Hello,<P>H introduced ow to our children (8&11) behind my back and against my wishes. We are separated and have not made the decision to divorce. H and ow believe there was nothing wrong in doing this. My children instinctively knew it was wrong as they didn't tell me until the third occurrence. (lying by omission)<P>Has anyone read or gotten any advice on how this affects them emotionally? I do not believe it is appropriate for him to introduce her into their lives until we are divorced should we decide to. They do not agree with me as they are only interested in their own selfish happiness. My opinion doesn't seem to count and would like to have some facts to back up my beliefs that it is not emotionally healthy for them to be around her at this point.<P>Thanks<BR>Hoping

Hoping,<P>Where to begin...well, just about ANY literature you can find on this topic will tell you that *new* relationships should not be exposed to children...Period...until the relationship is serious enough as to be considered potentially permanent. This holds true for divorced daters as much as is does for the merely separated or the WS crowd. The problem is THEY don't think its harmful because they are too wrapped up in the fog of their relationship and they hold strong to the idea that if it makes THEM happy it must make the kids happy too.<P>You are in skin-crawling territory...as in "the idea of my kids being around OW makes my skin crawl." But here's the real ugly truth...while you don't have to like it (and none of us do), to make a big deal out of it with your kids (like a group "hate the OW" session) puts them in a huge loyalty bind between you and H - especially if H is a fairly involved dad. You have to deal with this between you and H - not between you, kids and H.<P>Legally, it really depends on the state you live in. For instance, in WA, where I live, I was able to get a clause about no "sleepovers" included in our parenting plan for both our separation and extending 6 months past the date of our divorce. Others on this board got no help from the courts though.<P>Are you in counseling? Are the kids? How do the kids REALLY feel about OW? One thing that may sway your husband is if the kids are telling counselors or someone other than you that they don't like being around OW. Mine told both their school counselor AND finally got the courage to even tell their dad...he said "tough" but that's beside the point, because their willingness to voice their opinion swayed the judge in my instance.<P>Do a search under DanaB for this same topic...she gave great advice!<P>Good luck.<P>Lisa

i have the same situation. he is flaunting the OW around my kids. they do fun things together on the weekend and come home talking about OW ("daddy's girlfriend"). I have documented all the kids comments, told my lawyer, said he would have a talk with husband's lawyer and tell him to stop it, especially around kids. what do i do ? just sit back and let husband and OW take over? something has to be against the law here? what do we do legally? help, plese?

I'm pretty sure that most "experts" say that another person (OP or OW) should not be introduced for at least a year after you separate.<P>But you know, it pretty much comes down to this. Their relationship with their kids...as well as anyone else and that includes their spouse is THEIR responsibility. It is not ours or our kids. <P>As much as we want to protect our kids, I just don't think we can. All we can do is equipt them with the "right" stuff inside, without being judgemental to hopefully allow them to know how to maintain loving relationships in the future. <P>I'm pretty sure that you can legally do something to prevent having your kids spend the night with him if he is sleeping with the ow.<P>Again, I have to say that whatever type of relationship or lifestyle they want to project to others is their responsibility. Whenever these WS are in this mode, they don't seem to have any conscience, or empathy for what others may want or think, or feel, sad as it is.<P>I do believe that they will grow up and "get it", or know what went on. Kids know what they see. Hypocrisy and selfishness are pretty transparent. Yet...they are thier parent. I just tell my kids they are responsible TO him, not FOR him. I try to remain as consistent in my own behavior. I think that's about all we can do.