I AM SO ANGRY AT MY SPOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>He left me and filed for divorce. God has Clearly told me to stand for the marriage. Although I'm not happy, I will obey God.<P>BUT, in the interim, spouse is MAD that I'm not signing papers, is threatening to tell my nieces/nephews some information that is bad. They keep calling him and he says the next time he will tell them the info. I have told my brother and sister to tell the kids not to call.<P>WHY IS HE SO VINDICTIVE? Why so angry? WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!<P>HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know all the history..but..if your so afraid of them<BR>finding out by him..why don't you confess to them whatever it is so that way he has nothing to hold over you..<P>And if they choose to not like you because of whatever it is..then their parents need to help them understand forgiveness...

Cigiwriter-<P>I learned what ThornedRose posted the hard way and I agree. Confess...it will never be half as bad from you as it will be from someone else. <P>Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes...I would think(not totally certain)that you find understanding from them. <P>Once they know, you'll have peace and you'll be free so to speak.<P>And once they know, tell H to... <P>DD

I'd be mad too if I wanted to divorce someone and they weren't signing the papers because "God" told them to. It certainly isn't going to make your husband come around and agree to stay in the marriage. The only way to save a marriage is if both (BOTH) partners want to work at reconcilliation, go to counseling, be open to change, etc. It won't work if you are the only one who wants to do that. <P>You have let it come down to a power struggle, and you put youself in the position where you can win, and he is upset because he is not in control of what he wants. I am sorry to be so blunt, and I haven't read any of your other posts to know the story as I'm new to the board. But it doesn't sound like either of you are acting very reconciliatory.<P>If this is just a temper tantrum from him, then explain you want some time so he can calm down because you hope you both can work on the marriage. If he agrees to time, then set a deadline, like 60 days, to start talking about what to do and resolve the issue of stay/divorce. If at the end of 60 days he still wants out, you should respect his wishes.<BR>

I could not disagree more. This is not a matter of "respecting his wishes" as if we are discussing what color his next truck should be. Any reasonable person (and that certainly eliminates those who are in the midst of an affair) would never ask someone to violate their core beliefs by going along with a divorce when they believe that divorce is wrong. For those who believe in God, what better reason could there possibly be for choosing a path than that it is the path they believe God would want them to take? How can anyone ask someone to do something that that person believes is morally wrong? Someone who does not believe in divorce, or even someone who does not believe that there are irreconciliable differences, would be committing perjury by signing a no-fault uncontested divorce. No, it will not stop a divorce, and maybe the WS will get angry - but moral people do the right thing, not whatever they think will keep someone else from getting angry. <P>BTW, generally speaking the reason the WS is angry if the BS spouse won't go for a speedy divorce is that the OW is giving him a hard time about it and he wants her off his back. <BR>

NELLIE 1:<P>Please write me at findandkeep@yahoo.com. I believe truly what you are saying. Your right, it is against my core beliefs. Although I should be obedient to my spouse, I KNOW I need to obey God first.<P>Thank you and write me please!

I was in similar situation, I decided to confess to my family the things I did, I was not going to let her hold this over my head for life, I knew I had to be free from it to move on, to my surprise my family still loves me more than ever. I do not agree with divorce it is not part of gods plan. However you can not stop this by refusing to sign papers, this is only the legal divorce, you will always be married in the eyes of god. I would not rush to help him divorce, I would just wait and let it take its course, you are in my prayers<P>

Cigiwriter,<P><B>spouse is MAD that I'm not signing papers, is threatening to tell my nieces/nephews some information that is bad.</B><BR>If he does tell something which you have done in the past, own up to it, say you made a mistake & it won’ happen again.<P>If it’s NOT true, just say it’s not true.<P>CJ87,<BR><B>The only way to save a marriage is if both (BOTH) partners want to work at reconcilliation, go to counseling, be open to change, etc.</B><BR>Which is why Cigiwriter should NOT sign the papers. Keep the divorce off as long as you can so he can see what is really going on.<P><B>It won't work if you are the only one who wants to do that. </B><BR>If she waits it out, he most likely will come around.<P><B>f this is just a temper tantrum from him, then explain you want some time so he can calm down because you hope you both can work on the marriage</B><BR>He’ll just turn around and say this is what he wants NOW & he won’t change his mind. Don’t get him on the defensive.<P><B>If at the end of 60 days he still wants out, you should respect his wishes.</B><BR>Wow! 60 days to save a marriage?<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

"If she waits it out he most likely will come around?" Is that really generally the case when someone files for divorce with a lawyer, that if they wait it out the parties get back together? I kind of think not.<P>I do think that people should cool off and work together on the marriage. But how long should the other person wait if the other spouse isn't willing to work on the marriage? If this is a temper tantrum thing then of course, don't go through with it. If this is early in the stages of the dispute, don't go through with it.<P>However, if they have been separated for a year and the other spouse has wanted a divorce for some time, do you really think waiting it out is the best answer? <P>I shouldn't have suggested just rolling over and giving in if you truly believe in preserving the marriage so I am sorry for that, I don't believe that if it is early in the stages of the situtation. In my situation, it is so over it is cold and I want out of the marriage, but my husband is still emotional about the whole thing and wants to save it (2 years and 3 affairs later). I am trying to get him to go to counseling to realize that this isn't healthy and he needs to move on. If he wouldn't sign the papers I just served him with last week because God told him not to I'd be pretty ticked off. It would be a power play to me, and manipulative one at that. <P>I should not have applied my situation to CIGI's situation however. It probably is very different!

Just for everyone's information, my spouse left on March 12th of this year and filed for divorce one month later. It certainly has not been a long time. AND he has not even sat down with me to discuss anything, he just wants out, says he doesn't love me and that's it. Doesn't want to give me anything, no alimony, property nothing. We have no children. This was his problem to begin with, he is very irresponsible. Also, I believe there is another woman involved and I believe he wants a "quickie" divorce to get on with her. FYI all.

CJ87,<P>I understand how you feel. But this place is Marriage Builders. It is for saving marriages. The time to decide is for the person making the decision. We don’t jump on them & tell them to move on. If they make the choice, then we back them. However, if the choice they have made is (in our views) not a clear headed decision, we give them our point of view as to why.<P>Cigi,<P>He wants to get it over quickly so he doesn’t have to deal with it. But he will have to deal with the consequences sooner or later. Give it some time & don’t make any snap decisions.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

CJ87,<P>And trying to get some counselor to convince your H that there is something wrong with him because he doesn't want the divorce that you do is not a power play? <P>I am certain that one little fact that you have neglected to mention is that you are involved with someone else. <BR>

Cigi- I have the same beliefs as you that God hates divorce. My H filed on me a few wks ago- just 6 wks after confessing his affair.We arent even living apart and the OW took a job transfer to another state. Yet she was putting so much pressure on H to divorce me and go to her. He claimed he was out of love with me, we were incompatible, he just wanted out etc but when we went to counseling that night he confessed it was actually pressure from OW at the root of his actions. OW will try ANYTHING to get a man to divorce his wife- dont underestimate their sick agendas. In our case we have 3 children to consider! And raising them in our faith- no WAY would I ever sign for a speedy divorce. I told H that if he INSISTS on divorcing me against my spiritual beliefs, be prepared for the longest divorce in the history of Ohio. lifeismessy

Everyone,<P>I came to Marriage Builders to get help for my beliefs, not to have everyone start judging and criticizing. I am here because I believe in marriage, because I am practicing unconditional love for my spouse.<P>This is what I know:<P>I love my spouse despite his sin. Love the sinner not the sin.<BR>God clearly says "I hate divorce" therefore I am standing for my marriage.<BR>I am not involved with anyone, but believe my spouse is. I pray for the OW that she may leave.<P>I have tried to ask my spouse for counseling though he doesn't want this. At this point, God has told me to be silent.<P>If you wish to voice "your beliefs" here without asking me first what is the true situation, please don't. I'm not on a power trip or anything, I am just going by the Word of God and standing by his truths.<P>Thank you,<P>Carol

Carol,<P>I can relate to how you feel. My ex left on xmas '99 and served me d papers on valentine's day '00. (what a happy new year I had). <P>This is a place where people DO come to save their marriages. I think you will find lots of support. I've seen you posting lately but have been having my own struggles.<P>I don't know what the real issue is, but if its something to confess on, I'd vote for just admitting it so he can't control you in that way anymore. (and he'll be angry when that happens too).<P>I am going to say this and hope you don't take offense, I've been here since December of '99. A lot of people who come here and their spouse has left, later find out that there really was on OP involved. I haven't seen that many people who really just got up and said I think I'm going to leave my marriage. There usually is someone else.<P>I'm not saying thats the case with you, but have you had any indications that this could be the case with your H? Is it possible he is having an affair? I just wonder about someone who would get up and leave the wife, AND start threatening like this. <P>Keep posting. Sending you prayers and hugs, Dana<P>

Carol,<P>My sincere apologies. Yes, we are here to support you in saving your marriage. And I for one commend you on taking a stand.<P>Occasionally little “spats” break out like this. Please don’t let them bother you too much.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Yes, Dana, I do believe that there is another woman. It just makes sense. He has not said so, but in my heart I feel that is why he is pressuring me. I mean he left on March 12, filed for divorce on April 12th and had me served three weeks later. If there isn't someone else, that would be rare.<P>Thanks for writing.

Cigiwriter,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Everyone, I came to Marriage Builders to get help for my beliefs, not to have everyone start judging and criticizing. I am here because I believe in marriage, because I am practicing unconditional love for my spouse. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Life is full of judging and criticizing, and one can learn from them, both good and bad, to reinforce yourself. To only get support means you only want to be told you are right, when in some cases, you could better be served by being told a different truth!<P>BTW, MB and the Harleys do not support the concept of unconditional love, so there is one difference where you can be criticized for, or for a better term, disagreed with, and maybe be educated to be a better person.<P><BR>

Bye all,<P>Thanks for those of you who have supported me. I find that too many people online are too full of being critical than being helpful.<P>God Bless!

Dear Sister,<P>I agree 100% with what you are doing. God says He hates divorce and that those that divorce and begin another relationship are cut off from Him. (Malachi 2) May He do a miracle and give you the strength to stand forever if need be. Its been almost 2 years for me, and I am still hanging in there, and will til death do us part, if necessary!<P>God Bless you Sister!<BR>SpiritofHope