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Well, yesterday was the anniversary date of my divorce and x called last night all upset saying he finally realized what this all means. He said so many emotions are now surfacing and he doesn't know what to do. He is almost 40 and has lost everything. He said it is hard to see me now because I seem to be enjoying the good life while he is suffering and has nothing. For those who don't know my story, he left me last Feb because we were in a miserable marriage and he wanted to pursue a relationship with a 20 yr old girl in his office. Which he did immediately afterwards and it lasted one month. He has never indicated any remorse or regret until now. He finally admitted today that he wishes he would have tried harder before leaving. He knows that was a mistake now. He told me he doesn't want a reconciliation at least not now. And, I really don't want that anyway at this point. He just wanted someone to talk to and I'm the one he has always turned to when he needs a friend. I was told that he would realize his mistake one day. Now, that he finally has, it just makes me very sad.<BR>

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I love it! gosh, you know, i hope all BS get that response, however, that would also be unrealistic.<P>thanks for reminding us that MB is a good place to learn and grow.<P>I don't think i will ever get that from my X, she doesn't work or live in the real world, so real world realities will never get to her.<P>thanks jen<P>

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Hey Tom:<P>Well, I never thought the day would come either. So, don't be surprised if you hear from her one day soon. I noticed the same thing happened to Cjack and GSD. <P>MB has been such a help to me this past year. I have learned so much here.<P>See ya,<BR>Jen

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Well, I was wondering what had happened to you! I am sorry about the recent developments....believe me, I can relate. I never thought this day would come. I am sure you didn't either. Damn, it is funny how similar this all is to my ex. He doesn't want a reconciliation either, though he sends mixed signals: I saw him this week for the first time in 7 mo. He was very tender, loving, and remorseful. He had been calling because he was regretting not trying harder and finally realized what all this meant. I have a great life and his really does suck. I am not happy about that. It is a statement of fact. What to do with taht information is the struggle. After seeing him, I felt so sad, like he was this thin shell of anything that I remembered. And in light of some things I learned, I felt sorry for him--this man that I had fought so hard for. And I couldn't remember why.<P>He said last weekend that he thought we shouldn't be married (despite his recent calls/regret), but then a few days ago, he turned tender and loving. I kissed him, quite a bit actually. No further than that. I am ashamed of even that. It was comfortable, warm, easy, safe....it felt like it fit, but there were no hairs standing on the back of my neck. He was physically shaking. He is not happy with is 18 year old college chickie. He understands so much about everything now, and at the same time so little. He thinks it is easy to be friends because of all that we shared. How naive.<P>------------------<BR>

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I find this a very interesting topic. I am no where near that time in my life, actually in the hell hole of divorce, but i have learned and now have read about the WS "returning" to the BS after all is said and done. While I am not at the point of totally unloving my H, I sort of feel afraid of that potential point that he "might" return after the divorce and i have moved on with my life. I am a Christian and feel that it is always my obligation to seek reconcilliation, even if we divorce. <P>My question is, while you feel sad and amazed that the WS now realizes what has happened and devastated "thier life" doesn't some part of you want to rebuild your life with that person. Is this the point of the "bottom" and the only way out. Are they remorseful. While they understand what they have done to thier, your lives, is it still "easier" to continue to walk away or would it really be worth trying to go back up the hill togethter. <P>as they say "sometimes you have to go to hell before you get to heaven"<P>I guess learning here that the life of most affairs has typical pattern and have also learned that many spouses don't marry the OP and that many have the light bulb go off in their heads after the divorce, and we know all that and we initially are trying to save, rebuild our marriages, do we have a obligation(maybe not the right word) to give them another try or am I thinking in fantasy land?<P>Any thoughts?<P>hopelessmom

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((((((((((jen)))))))))))))))<P>It doesn't surprise me. All that pain and devestation. But you two were pretty good friends recently anyhow weren't you? You always maintained a good communication from what I remember.<P>Feel free to write to me. Hugs, Dana<BR>

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All of this does make you think about everything in a whole new light.<P>I will get back to you all later when I sort through everything.

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Never had anything like that happen with my x and it's been years since he moved out - and over 2 years since the D was final. <P>BTW - he has yet another bad hair style. Thank God, I don't have to look at that man every day. Sad to think that we were married that many years and the only communication he wants from me is in written form. Makes an intentional effort, I feel, to not remember anything I tell him. Go figure. You know, if my children didn't need to know this loser, I can't think of anywhere too far away from him. Don't hate him. Just have no use for him.<BR> <P>

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I have said many times over the past year that I really did not know what I would do if he ever asked to come back. He hasn't asked that yet. He just admitted that he made a mistake not trying harder before walking out the door. He said he didn't know if he would want to reconcile in the future and I shouldn't put my life on hold for that. He is just really confused right now. He doesn't really know what he wants, He is rethinking everything lately.<P>Now, that there is more of a possibility that he might ask to reconcile, I have thought about this more and more. I never shut the door completely on that possibility but feel it really would be a disaster in the making. I always wanted our marriage to make it. We were miserable but I would pray for God to turn it around somehow. For the children's sake and ours. Then, everything fell apart and my dream was destroyed. I have always been a romantic and a dreamer. I catch myself thinking that maybe we could do it, he would come back, we would get counseling, we would finally learn how to interact, etc. etc. and then I snap out of my dream and face reality again. The likelihood of that happening is so remote that it isn't worth getting my hopes up or the children. I would hate to have the kids see us get back together just to see us fail again or end up living together miserable for the rest of our lives. Everyone who knows us thinks it would be a mistake to try again. I want to tell them they are wrong, if we have God on our sides and really work at it, we can do it. But, I really don't think we could. I think it would only be a matter of time before we crashed and burned again. And, I just don't want to go there.<P>I have moved on with my life. I am happy right now with where I am. I have met some wonderful people since my divorce. I have a new network of christian friends that I spend time with now. I really don't want to go back to a shallow, unfulfilling relationship. Maybe it would be different but most likely not. <P>So, I have pretty much convinced myself that I would not want to reconcile if given the option soon. But, on the other hand, if we could work it out, I do think about how wonderful that would be for my kids and for us. But, then I hear all those people in my life saying that I'm in my dream world again and to snap out of it before I do something stupid.

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Is it just something in the air, or are there more WS realizing their mistakes? My X says he has....wants back into my life. I'm not ready to go there. Hello! He still lives with the Bimby. I told him to get his own life straightened out and decide what it is he really wants before I even consider anything. Besides, I'm dating again (very scary) and enjoying myself. I guess that's part of what makes me attractive to him now.<P>Any change from the zombie I had come to know is an improvement. At least he took the step to seek counseling for himself. I hope he continues to work on that and leave me be for now. I guess the divorce is actually taking on shape and substance for him now....took long enough. <P>I know what you mean though, about his wanting to talk with a friend....and you were the one he thought of. My X just said to me this afternoon that he still considers me his best friend. I had no comment.

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GSD: Hey there. It's funny that our lives still seem to be taking the same twists and turns. I also hate to see my x suffering. Even with everything said and done, I still want the best for him. He deos seem to have lost it all.<P>Dana: You are right about our relationship since the divorce. We have remained very good friends through it all. We are like brother and sister. We always cared about each other but never loved each other like I believe a husband and wife should. That was the core problem of our relationship.<P>Hopeless Mom: I am a christian too and that is one of the reasons I stayed in my marriage for 13 years. I was committed because of my vows and also because I wanted to make it work. But, when he left without even an inkling of a chance for reconciliation, I finally decided it was time to move on. My last post talks about how I feel about reconciliation now. There is a part of me that wants to try to rebuild. But, the sensible, rational and protective part of me is keeping me from going there at this time.<P>Cinderella: Sounds like you are better off without him. But, I'm glad you are keeping things in perspective for the children's sakes. <P>Rollercoaster: Yes, I believe that something is in the air. Spring Fever maybe. My x has not been in counseling at all since the divorce and I don't think he has any intention of going now. I too have been dating and I think that has something to do with the x's renewed interest in me now. I think he finally realizes that I have moved on. And, that has scared him. I think he thought I was just going to pine away until he had his time away. He even said at one point some time ago when I was trying to gethim to reconcile, that maybe someday, a year of so down the road. Well, I wasn't going to just sit around after that. I just couldn't do that. <P>As to being friends, we have remained just that. And, I'm glad for both my sake and the children's sake.


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