My wife and I have been married for 3 years and I discovered her affair with OM in February 2001 which lasted 3 weeks. We have been in recovery for 3 months and up til this weekend, the recovery has gone well. This weekend my wife came to me and ask for a separation, we continued to talk about the reasons for her wanting a separation and the only reason she told me was that "she wasn't ready for marriage" and "she wants to live an independent life". She told me that I have a great husband, provider and care giver and that I deserve someone who will appreciate a husband like me. <P>The weird thing about our situation is that we still show lots of affection and respect towards each other, we have great communication between us and we provide solid emotional support to each other. <P>Has anyone else been in a similar situation??? This is very confusing to me. I would appreciate any thoughts!<P>Thanks<P>Bryan<P>------------------<BR>BJK

Been there - heard that....<P>Fog, fog, selfishness, fog, misconceptions about marriage, fog, immaturity....<P>Sorry you have to go through this, it hurts I know. You always hear on TV shows the jokes about "its not you, its me", but I found in my own situation that sometimes that is just so true. <P>It really is not about you right now - it is all about her. She does not feel in love right now because she DOESN'T want to feel "in-love". How can I say that? Because the best way to show someone love is to "do for them", "to be there for them" "to care about the other person"... Love is in "the giving" not the receiving. If you are self-centered and only care about your happiness alone, then you will always be just that - ALONE. It is where my wife went and it is where your wife is at. The devil revels in self-centeredness. I actually sometimes think that happiness is the work of the devil - its like he gives a person just a little taste of happiness and then many times that person spends the rest of their life trying to gain more and more happiness (kind of like drug addiction).<P>Being joyful comes from God. Being joyful is being thankful and rejoicing in all that you DO have - not focusing on what you DON'T have. I would much rather be a joyful person than a happy person. Even now I am joyful, for I have witnessed God's love all around me this past year - things that can have no other explanation just seemed to happen.<P>I don't feel happy right now - haven't felt happy in a while, but I can be joyful...<P>sorry you are going through this but you have a choice - you can use this time to grow and better yourself or you can allow anger and spite to enter your life. I pray you choose the former road,<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thank You!<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hey now that sounds familiar. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Oh and how about this one....she's never really been on her own before and just wants to try it. Well she tried it and guess what the OM has been with her since day one, so much for being on your own eh? Sorry you have to get the wool pulled over the eyes bit in hopes that what she's doing is for the best but like Mike says it's all part of the "fog" that they step into. Stay with us through it all, come here to vent we've all been through it and there are some fine people here who do have some good advice and thoughts to help you through it all where ever it may eventually end up. Good luck. Jax

Jax..<P>It sounds like you have been in the same situation as me. I have heard the line about "being on her own" too! Please tell me more about your situation. I am hoping for the best in my marriage, but I don't think that my wife wants to be "married" anymore. She tells me that I am the perfect husband etc. but she doesn't want to be married anymore. This makes no sense at all!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

<B>This weekend my wife came to me and ask for a separation, we continued to talk about the reasons for her wanting a separation and the only reason she told me was that "she wasn't ready for marriage" and "she wants to live an independent life". </B><BR>Which means she is moving out to see the OM without having to deal with you. <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jax:<BR><B>Hey now that sounds familiar. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Oh and how about this one....she's never really been on her own before and just wants to try it. Well she tried it and guess what the OM has been with her since day one, so much for being on your own eh? Sorry you have to get the wool pulled over the eyes bit in hopes that what she's doing is for the best but like Mike says it's all part of the "fog" that they step into. Stay with us through it all, come here to vent we've all been through it and there are some fine people here who do have some good advice and thoughts to help you through it all where ever it may eventually end up. Good luck. Jax</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jax,<BR>Well, add my H into this mix! I've heard all this, too, and the truth is that he made a choice of which I was ignorant until I decided to SEE what I was looking at. I am phsyically challenged, a development over the past 6 years from a dreadful illness, and he has had enough. Although he would go to his grave denying it, I know he's had at least an EA with a mutual friend of ours, and quite possibly it advanced to PA. Frankly, I will never know for sure and it doesn't really matter. I've Plan A'd to death, and after a 'talk' we had last night, it is time for Plan B.<P>I just wrote this in another post and think it bears repeating here: We love someone for the way he or she makes us feel. Think about that a moment. Bryan, the lovely things your wife says to you about being a great husband, provider and care giver must give you a warm fuzzy BUT her actions right now are proving otherwise. It's no wonder you are confused! The point is that her actions--not her words--are what you should pay attention to. Words are cheap, actions take some dues-paying. You wrote that you each provide solid emotional support to each other. If so, then why did your wife have an affair? She was NOT showing YOU emotional support, Bryan, by turning to another man. In fact, I can't think of anything more hurtful or damaging than a WS's behavior. To cause such pain to someone one supposedly 'loves' is a contradiction in terms. It just doesn't wash.<P>My heart goes out to you, SoTired,and Jax because I'm at the same place you all are at right now. Still in shock from his EA, and weary from months of battling, hardly eating and very little restful sleep, I am ready for the next step. My eyes are fully opened now and it is his actions I am focusing on, both past and present. Believe me, they DO matter.<P>Hugs to all of you..<BR>Winny<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited May 21, 2001).]

Yep, she loved me, just wasn't "in love with me" She was "in love" with someone else. Also heard the "never been on my own" one too. She's not on her own now, if she's taking her family over to his house when they come out to visit.<P>I'm sorry to say this, pb, but she's in love with someone else. It took me almost 9 months to figure it out. I denied that she could ever possibly betray my heart for someone else, but she did.<P>She told me I was a great guy, and that any girl would be lucky to have me. Unfortunately, the one I wanted was in love with someone else.<P>I will say that in my opinion all the plan A in the world will not recover the heart of someone infatuated with another. <P>I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. I and many others here know exactly how you feel. It takes time for your heart to heal, but it will eventually.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

oops, I hate it when I do that...<BR>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 21, 2001).]

You know, I heard the exact same things as everyone else out here and my ex so vehimately denied being involved with another, so I beleived her. She did move away from our house and into a small one bedroom apartment that she could afford. Then 8 months later, she moved from there and into a larger place in a better neighborhood. Her old phone was disconnected, and she has never offered the new number.<P>I have wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she left me for the reasons we discussed, but all the signs point to an affair. I still don't want to see it, but if I heard this same scenario as a third party bystander, an affair would be my first (and probably only) assumption. Yet, I will probably never know.

That all sounds familiar to me as well. My wife of 6 years said the same to me. I love you but I am not in love with you. She also said that she wanted to go out and stand on her own two feet. Go figure.

PB,<P>If you haven't got it figured out by now...this little scenario pretty much follows a standard script...it's a little sad at how unoriginal it all is - especially when you're buried in the middle of it and feel like no one could possibly understand how unique your particular situation is. But it's not unique, and it's not original, and it does follow a pretty predictable path...even the recovery from it does.<P>You'll hear it again and again around here...time...in time you will be able to deal with it, make *some* sense of it and cope. But it does take time.<P>Hang on.<P>Lisa

THANK YOU!<BR>

PB,<P>All I can say to the following is ditto. Same this my WS said too me too. Don't wait to long to start plan b...you still might be able to turn it around. Chase.

Chase..<P>Thank You! I wish you the best of luck!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Once again, am going to say something that most, if not all here will disagree. <P>I completely understand that most people receive the "same lines", the stories are not original nor are the excuses. BUT..I strongly feel that you cannot just assume that every woman/man that uses these lines, or feels that way is automatically after another person. You can't. I think that many people who have been left want to blame someone, or something. And hearing that someone is just "not in love" or that they want to live alone and be single and free because they were NOT getting what they NEEDED for so long, well, maybe that is the truth? It's hard to hear that someone doesn't love you, or that they want to leave. Of course it is. And you will start wondering why..what did you ever do...and most of the time, it's not you, it's the other person, but maybe, just maybe, you weren't giving it your all. Maybe you weren't the person that you should have been. But instead of pointing the finger at yourself, you assume it has to be someone else. <BR>I have seen it a million times here, someone comes here, spills their story out, their spouse wants to leave, no longer feels the same...and everyone here shouts that there is an affair going on. That is not fair at all. And anyone desperate for help should not just assume that the advice they are getting it true or even helpful. Too many hurt people...they assume that it has to be someone else. In some situations, sure, you were giving it your all, you did work on it, you did provide emotional needs...but I don't think that everyone has...if they had, no one would be where they are. <P>Call me a trouble maker, but this is how I see it. My husband has been severly withdrawn, isolated, angry and depressed for almost our entire marriage which is less than 2 years. Did I assume he was having an affair? No, not at all. I knew he had problems. The thing is...he wants to work on those problems now, I think it may be too late, or he isn't serious enough. Not really sure. I imagine my life without him, without the heartache and I know that I would survive. Should he assume that I am having an affair because I am not longer happy with him? No. Not at all. <P>But you always want to blame it on something or someone instead of looking in the mirror. <P>That's how I see it anyways.

Jenniffer,<P>I agree with you on this one. Especially the part about wanting answers. I can only speak from experience here as I received a very familiar “story” myself when my ex left, but it just seems that has to be more than the reasons I was given. I now <B>know</B> where <B>I</B> failed in my marriage and where <B>I</B> needed to improve, but the few reasons my wife gave for leaving almost seem trivial to me now. Sure things could have been better, I could’ve met her needs better and she mine, but the reasons she stated for leaving were not justifiable reasons for divorce in my opinion, at least not without a fight. In fact, the reasons she stated for leaving were things that had always been between us. In these areas, nothing had changed over 7 years. If certain parts were missing for the 5 years of dating prior to marriage, then why did they suddenly become an issue 2 years later?<P>Maybe it would have been easier for me to understand if my wife had been upset and withdrawn for awhile before she left, but she wasn’t. It was if she woke up one morning and just said, “Guess what? I’m not in love with you anymore so I’m gonna divorce you.” It was a shock to everyone who knew us and the killer of the whole thing is that she suffered in her unhappiness without ever once telling me that she wanted or needed things to change in our marriage. How could I have ever been expected to make things better if I wasn’t told that something was broke?<P>Looking back objectively, I can see some signs which let to our demise, but compared to most failed marriages, they didn’t compare. I will take responsibility though and admit that I was not 100% perfect, but I was pretty darn close and our marriage certainly deserved a chance to be improved upon before it was called off.<P>Divorce has become such commonplace in today’s society that the value and commitment of marriage has been lost. Maybe if it was more difficult to be married, divorce rates would drop as well?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><I>We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.</I><P>~Joseph Campbell

Jenniffer...<P>Thanks for your message. I need to respond to your post with an equally strong post. My situation is not about me wondering if there is another man, in my case it was!!! My whole point is my wife did a complete 360 turn in her attitude toward me and our marriage about 1 1/2 years into our marriage of almost 3 years. Simply put, I have asked her straight out on NUMEROUS occasions if I had done anything to deserve become a betrayed spouse, or why she was avoiding intimacy with me and all that I ever heard was, " you have done nothing wrong" I just don't feel like I want to be married anymore, and I think I was just too young. <P>I am sorry to say, but she knew me completely before we got married and I have always remained the same great person that I was prior to our marriage. What really bothers me is the LAME lines that my wife gave me during the past few months relating to the idea that she was too young, and she really didn't want to be married! <P>I am sorry, but these lines and excuses are all Garbage! Marriage means to love and cherish someone until death do you part and I strongly believe that many people need to wake up and get real with each other and stop this horrible thing called DIVORCE! In my mind, there are only 2 reasons for divorce.<P>1. To protect the children from an abusive parent.<P>2. To protect the spouse from an abusive spouse.<P>WAKE UP EVERYONE AND START TREATING EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Jayhawk93<P><BR>I applaud you on another great post! I think people need to get real with each other and actually start respecting each other and the bond of marriage! Its too easy for people to give up on situations were divorce is simply not needed!<P>Take Care<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

I was just gonna write something and then saw Jenniffer's post... so I'll say something else instead...<P>My ex had a bunch o' affairs, and never once did he say "he loved me but wasn't in love with me"... when I had my affiar, I did say it... and I could crawl in a hole and die from embarrassment (aside from the wanting to kill myself at the time)... the thing is... I meant it.<P>Yeah, it was a fog. I was not immature (I was 40 and had been through a marital lifetime of my H's infidelities) and I was not newly married (it was nearly 19 years at that point)... what I was, was selfish, and lonely and pissed as hell that my H could go around boinking people, treating me like [censored], and getting away with it. No, that wasn't conscience thoughts at the time... because I wasn't myself... and yes, it was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and I actually did want to die afterwards. <P>What I say to people now is to get out if you've hit the wall... before you do something out of desperation that will change your life forever. Not only do I have an ex-marriage, I have to carry the weight and guilt of having once been an OW around - ALWAYS. It's a sign I wear, and will ALWAYS wear!!<P>I think I lost track of what I was going to say... leave to a 40+ year old, eh?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino