My marriage has been loveless and cold for the last 5 years. I was suffering and couldn’t endure it any longer so I moved out of my marital home on the pretext of a job promotion and secondment to another state 2 years ago. In the 5 years I reconciled myself with the fact that my marriage was dead and bit by bit I didn’t feel anything for her at all. There is NO more love, divorce was inescapable. I took this time away as separation. I go back home regularly to see the kids, staying at relatives and at our house sometimes. I was starting a new life abroad and was beginning to feel happy on my own. In the process of discovering myself, I met someone. Unplanned, not knowing, I fell deeply in love with her. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and the feelings just seemed to continue growing stronger. I was imagining my whole life with her. While I have wanted out of my marriage, she gave me the conviction to leave.<P>Told my wife and she pleaded me to stay and give it another try if not for her for the kids. I took sometime to make my decision and finally decided to stay because the guilt that I felt if I left my kids considering that my wife wants to stay now, was too overwhelming. When I came back here, I told my gf we had to end it, it wasn’t easy and went on for a few weeks. Until recently she said she couldn’t handle it and we had to stop. To have her tell me that was the most painful thing in my life. I cannot help myself, although I know the best thing I can do for her is leave, I can’t bear the thought of life without her. Though we don’t meet, I call her and email her to just find out how she is. I find myself passing by her office and home at times. I think of her with someone else and if she moves on with her life and it rips me apart. For her, I am sorry we fell in love because of the great pain I am causing her right now.<P>I honestly deep in me don’t think or perhaps even want my marriage to work. Its not arrogance but I just do not want to see a marriage counselor. I know I am causing everyone so much pain but this is how I feel. But subconsciously I feel that staying is the right thing to do. Perhaps I want to stay to prove to my wife that I tried and that the marriage has collapsed nonetheless but am I only fooling myself? To sleep with her is almost unimaginable and I am embarrassed when she says that she loves me as I know and have told her that I can’t say back right now. I am almost certain that my whole life except for my kids will be a total misery. If I wanted the love back maybe there could be hope, but what if u found a love so perfect its hard to settle for second best. I have never felt this was even when I first met my wife. I met a man who stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years for his kids and now that they are out of college is planning for a divorce. I am 36 I don’t want to go through that for the next 20 yrs. But thus GUILT I have is it enough to make it through the next couple of years. How do u explain it? <BR>
