hello all!<BR>well, i came across this website about 4-5 days ago, looking through a bunch of divorce sites, and marriage counseling sites, and was much relieved to find someplace devoted to saving marriages! actually, i didn't really understand what was happening to me until i read some parts of the infedelity information, and it seemed to apply perfectly. i have read about 3/4 of SAA as of yet. believing that this is what has happened, has really allowed me to calm down, read a number of posts and responses, and learn everything i can on how to deal with it, so thank you!!!<P>well, my situation: i am in a very young marriage, 8 months, i am 27 and my wife is 28, and we have been through some intense times in that period, although we did live together for about 2 1/2 years prior, with a 1 year engagement. anyway, my wife and i were living with my wife's grandmother for about 4 months after getting married, while we were remodeling my wife's house - purchased just before the wedding. -i put waaaay to much time into the house, and really couldn't understand why she kept telling me how everything i did was wrong, and the more she complained to me about how i made her feel, i quit doing anything that she had ever complained about, quit seeing all of my friends, and just worked as hard as i could to move in to the house as soon as i could. i also distanced myself from her because i never felt that i was doing anything wrong. certainly nothing any different that she was doing. (going to happy hour with friends, co-workers, going to her job while she was working, which made her upset that i expected her to wait on me, etc.)<P>and i am beginning to understand that i didn't know what her EN were, how to meet them, or understand her reaction to me... but somewhere in those months, i think is when a relationship with her OM developed into a physical one. when we finally moved into the mostly completed house, she went out every night with her friends - sometimes to her friend's house till 4-5am, while i stayed home and worked on the house. i never checked up on her stories. two weeks after moving in, she said that she wasn't happy, that she was going to live at her parents, that i was to stop working on her house, and that she needing to 'figure things out'. she has exhibited almost all of the signs of a PA, but not admitted it. but now, she can't stand to talk to me, is filing for divorce, and has said that she will sue me for alimony if i don't just move out.<P>I have contacted an attorney, and i know that she can't really force me- but i can see it getting to be a real battle, and extremely bad for her emotionally. i've pressed for counseling for the last 3 days, but she won't go unless i get out of her house, so that she can get back to normal.<P>but my question is - i feel that i'm at the point where a Plan A is not really not going to work, and that probably Plan B is the only chance that i could have, which would mean move out. - i am also to the point where i'm really not in love with her, but its my commitment to marriage that i feel bound to. and also all of my friends and family are telling me to get the divorce and move on. i am questioning the potential that i saw in the two of us, as well as really any hope that it might turn around.<P>i feel that i do need to confirm the A, but my hands are being tied daily. does anyone have any suggestions?

I wish I had a definite answer for you. She is still in the fog, which isn't good. If she doesn't want to go to couseling, you can't force her.<P>I don't think you have any "right answers" here. Just try to figure out what the best one is for yourself. I think you first need to decide if you want to make this marriage work. ( Which I think if you don't try, you will regret down the line.)<BR>Second, I would consider her request to move out. If you want to make it work and she is willing to go to couseling if you move out as a compromise, it may not be a bad idea. Just don't expect anything. It may not matter to her at all if you do.<BR>Staying in the house will just make her madder and polarize against you.<BR>You are in a tough spot because technically it is her house.<BR>If it were both of your's house and you don't have anywhere to go, I might make the suggestion you might tell her that you more than welcome her to move back in, but you are unable to move out for a lack of a place to stay. <P>Just understand, that if you do move accept the fact you may never live there again. You may be fearful that the only thing you have left is the house, but you have to confront your fears and not be made indecisive by them.<P>Personally, I would experiment and try different things and see her reaction. I know it will kind of feel like a game, but if you want save your marriage you are going to have to do some things you may not want to do.<P>Also, do not act to desparate or needy. You need to appear decisive, strong, and in control as much as possible. And if she tells you she doesn't want to work it out, I would suggest you say, "I am sorry you feel that way. I love you and I want to work this out. You know where to find me if you change your mind."<P>I know this a bold statement and you may have to accept the consequences of it, but you feel better about yourself and it might shock her into turning around.<P>You might want to read Love must be Tough by Dobson and Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis.<P>Remember, you are the expert on your marriage. You are the one that must make the decision. We can only make suggestions.<P>Also, I would go to a counselor on your own. It will help you.<P>I hope this helps. Good Luck. Chase.<P>

Dude, it sounds like she is being so self-centered. Why isn't she helping you with the house?? IF you can not even make it through 8 months of a marriage and her getting upset with you because your not spending as much time with her blah blah blah, move out and move on. She should be there helping you.......<P>Not out parting with her friends, tough call though, looks like too me that hse doesn't wna tto be married<P><BR>

ChaseJordan hit it on the head with the statement you should make to her and the book suggestions.<P>IMHO, you may want to chalk it up. You've only been married 8 months; not much of an investment. You've lived together. Statistically speaking, this has a higher divorce rate than not living together first. You started with no commitment. You "shacked up". I'm not trying to be hard on you, I made the same mistake myself. It's just that the statistics are against you.<P>It looks to me that she didn't grow up before getting married. Again, I'm not trying to be hard on you, I made the same mistake myself. My marriage did last for 10 years though. My X is very naive and doesn't have much snap. She's not dumb, just a slow learner. She cheated on and lied to me too. I spent 2 years of my life trying to fix that mess. In the end, she just had to have him. She gave up her daughter, some friends (was willing to give up all of them, she lies to some other friends to keep them), and her marriage just to be with the OM. Affairs are an ADDICTION. The people in them behave like they are on drugs. This is not an understatement. NEVER trust what a person having an affair says, instead watch what they do.<P>Unless she is your absolute best friend, I tell you to give it up. It will take you YEARS to fix this mess IF you can fix it at all.<P>Now I said YOU on purpose but in error. The WSs always blame the BSs and the BSs believe the lying, cheating WSs and believe that something is really wrong with themselves. Here's the kicker. It's not about you, it's about her. She's the one cheating, right? You cannot do anything. Let me say that again. YOU cannot do anything. People typically have affairs because something is wrong with them, not the person being betrayed. (see Frank Pittman's book "Private Lies") Until she hits rock bottom and wants to make the marriage work, don't even try. You will go insane trying to fix what she doesn't want fixed. Instead, just work on yourself.<P>There was no mention of children. If you do have a child with this person, forget everything I've said about getting a divorce.

thanks guys! - <P>no there are no children, and she is very selfish-i have experienced a lot of that. - i do think that i made a mistake in marrying her, because i didn't think she was ready, but she was the one pushing for the engagement, for the wedding, buying the house, etc.<P>and Chase you are right, when i suggested to her that we just stop making any more moves until we try counseling (me staying in the house-and she staying at her parents) she just got extremely, expressively, mad - and probably feeling trapped like i'm smothering her.<P>just started reading Love must be Tough also- and i think that the best thing is for me to leave and let her go without forcing her to do anything.<P>i mostly didn't want to give up, for me, to know that i tried to do everything that i could. but i did all the instinctive, wrong things after she said she was leaving, and have been really forcing her even further- that the real way to try anything is for me to let her hit bottom by herself and come around if that ever happens.<P>thanks guys!

Sorry for your pain. I wish I could have known things I know now 6 months ago and maybe they things would be different. However, I do feel good that I know I have tried everything I can think of to reach out to my wife and I know she can't say the same.<P>It sounds like you have done everything you could think of too.<P>Me, I would rather be in the position of knowing I have done everything I can than being uncertain.<P>It is going to be hard to walk away for both of us, but I think that is the only thing we can do. Hopefully, they will both come around.<P>Later, Chase.