I am just curious. Most people here seem to have had infidelity touch their lives. Has your mate continued on with that OP. Have they married. What is thier life like now. How long has it been since divorce, discovery, separation.<P>Have any of you old time divorce persons had first spouse return after several years?<P>thanks for responding, just curious i guess. <BR>Part of me is afraid that if I truly let go, which I am trying to do, then he MIGHT want to come back and I will be somewhere else emotionally and won't want him back. I guess that sort of scares me. Does anyone feel like that?<P>hopelessmom

I did for a time but once I accepted the divorce's inevitibility I now realize a month later I really -don't- want him back. Would I have married a liar, cheat and cold hearted "old man", no and that's what he is now. The OW can have him and good luck, she will need it.

Cheating XW is still with OP. They don't live together yet. It's been 5 months since the second seperation. (We reconciled before, but she just had to have him) We've been divorced 1 1/2 months.<P>Something is "missing" in her life and I guess she thinks he can fill it. She is still unhappy. Part mid-life crisis I guess.<P>I miss the person she was and I can never take back the person she is. He (OM) can have the person she is.<P>She doesn't like that I'm the primary custodian of our daughter. Why not? I'm the one taking care of her anyway. She took and odd houred job and seems to only want to be with him. Having custody of my daughter is about the only thing that keeps me from going crazy.

<B> CHANGE YOUR SCREEN NAME! </B><P>are you really that bad of a MOM to your kids? is that how you look at yourself? hopelessWIFE to a fogged out H maybe, but hopelessMOM?<P>rings of depression, rings of fatalism, rings of despondency.<P><B> DEAL WITH YOU AND THE PRESENT, DO NOT DEAL WITH FUTURE PROBABILITIES OF SOMEONE ELSE! </B><P>OK, read Private Lies. Very few return, and when they finally do, the BS must be able to forgive, and still want the man as he will have to show honest remorse, and a willingness to work on himself and the relationship. In general, my opinion, very low probability if upon D-day, the person does not feel remorse, agree to quit seeing OP, and <BR>is not racked with guilt temporarily.<P>Without those three, very few return, and any attempt to force WS to return is fruitless. You need to let him go, love him as you will your child that leaves for college, and wish him well.<P>And if he comes back, and you have found that you deserve better than that, ie you like your life the way it is, you will be happier than you realize, and you will realize that the man you married is gone forever.<P>just my opinion, take it for what its worth.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited May 29, 2001).]

Discovery was May 99, separation started July 99, divorce was final Feb 00, x married om Dec 00. They live in small house 2 mile away. X working full time (3-4 12 shifts/week)plus at least 1 day per at another hospital.<P>She has no friends, gave up the few she had prior, does not associate with any of the kid's team's parents as she sits off by herself with her stupid dog(oops, sore spot!), no longer attends church, doesn't speak to her sister and has very little contact with her parents anymore. <P>What kind of life does that sound like????

My divorce is still brand new. There hasn't been enough time for much to have happened.<P>D-day was really in June '98. Struggled for years, more d-days in the interim, incredible lies. Same song, different verse. I left the house 2/17/01 which I'm sure was a wonderful (early) bday present for loverboy. Divorce was final 5/9/01. She whined that it wasn't soon enough for her - she wouldn't go all the way with him until we divorced because she didn't want to be guilty of adultry. Can you believe that?<P>The problem is that he's still married. Another problem is that his wife doesn't know he's told my xw that he plans to divorce her. Yet another problem is that he lives about 1,000 miles away. Other problems are his 3 very young kids. Can anybody guess how this story will end? <P>I don't know if my xw will ever want to return. My feelings on that subject are like several of those who have already responded: I don't want the person she is now. I always will love the girl I married, but that's not who she is anymore. <P>I don't have the worry of being attached to someone else emotionally because I have absolutely no interest in going through this he&#0124;&#0124; again. The risks aren't worth the potential reward. I'm not interested in dating and honestly can't forsee a time in the future when I might consider it. I have kids to finish raising. Dating would only complicate things and occupy more of my already precious time.<P>One thing I found interesting is how RWD described his xw. My xw also has isolated herself from her family and friends. She now has some friends that seem to support her actions, but nobody she's really close to. Her parents and siblings are very in the dark about her actions. She's afraid to use the phone for fear of the kids overhearing. It must be really lonely living like that.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR><p>[This message has been edited by o2bsane (edited May 29, 2001).]

I have been divorced 1` year. My x's relationship with OW lasted 1 month. He just told me a few weeks ago he probably made a mistake but wasn't ready to reconcile. I am dating someone now and he told me not to mess that up because he really doesn't know what he wants. He said he is not sure how he feels about me. But he does miss his old life and is concerned about the kids. He said if my current relationship doesn't work out, he might want to take me out for a drink sometime. We talked about whether we really could ever make it work again and we both don't think we could. He isn't interested in counseling or self improvement. It is critical to me. So, I don't think we will ever reconcile.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by o2bsane:<BR><B><BR>...I don't want the person she is now. I always will love the girl I married, but that's not who she is anymore.... <P><BR>...My xw also has isolated herself from her family and friends. She now has some friends that seem to support her actions, but nobody she's really close to. Her parents and siblings are very in the dark about her actions...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, I'm constantly amazed at the parallels I run into in here...<P>But to answer the original question, STBX is seriously involved with her boy scout. She's either over at his house or he's at her apartment, acording to my son.<P>The important thing, however, is I do not care any more what she does or who she sees. According to our Sep. A. she's free to behave as though we were never married.<P>The only reason I would hope for this relationship to fail would be for my son's sake. But, and I know this sounds bad, I hope with all my heart that her relationship with him survives until the divorce is final. That way I have little need to worry about her changing her mind & wanting to come back, or alter settlement and custody terms.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited May 29, 2001).]

I agree with whenIfindthetime. Once the divorce is final they usually don't want back and if they did I think most betrayed spouses would not want them back. For me, I admitted my affair and desire to divorce, ex husband started up his own affair within two weeks of hearing about mine. I'm married to the other man, we are close to my family and his family and have a nice home. I would never ever want to be back with my ex. He's still with the OW but they aren't married yet (it's been roughly 5 yrs.). He's become a rotten excuse for a father (they live with me)and hardly see's his own family because they can't stand his girlfriend. He hates me so I'm sure he has NO thoughts of us ever getting together....he just likes to make himself miserable so he can blame me. My husband's ex....I'm not sure if she'd want or would take him back if that was what he ever wanted. There was a time that I know she would have but I doubt it now because so much time has pasted. My husband is very happy and I don't think he ever thinks about going back.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopelessmom:<BR><B> Part of me is afraid that if I truly let go, which I am trying to do, then he MIGHT want to come back and I will be somewhere else emotionally and won't want him back. I guess that sort of scares me. Does anyone feel like that?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yup. D-Day was Nov. '99, he moved out Jan.'00 and he moved in with OW in June '00. He will never file for divorce....he's an extreme procrastinator and "allergic" to paperwork. So I will probably end up filing in August (after our separate vacations). <P>I've pretty much let him go and moved on; however, there is still a part of me that thinks he will wake up one day and regret (big time) what he did. And I think he will test the waters of reconcilliation. <P>But in many ways, I think of my H as dead. The man I knew just isn't there anymore and it still cause me pain sometimes. It really helped me to look at it like a actual death. No matter what he does now, he will never be that man again and the marriage we had will never be revivied. It must be like loosing a child or a loved one....no, they weren't perfect, but they were loved...they were special...they were yours....and now they are gone, never to return. <P>I know that the person he is now is someone to whom I'm NOT attracted, let alone someone to build a life with. I wish I could hold the hope open, but he would have to have a total personality, morality and emotionality transplant for me to even consider it. <P>That's just the point I've gotten to. I read the book "Private Lies" and was astounded how much related to my situation, my H. Doesn't improve the situation, just helps to explain it better.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 29, 2001).]

Hi Hopelessmom,<P>Actually, those who are saying they don't come back aren't reading the statistics. Most partners do try to come back at least once. There is a much greater chance that the betrayed spouse will decide whether to continue the relationship than the betrayer- I agree, read Private Lies by Frank Pittman. He says over and over that once the affair ends, the betrayer will try to return.<P>After that, ther is a 3-5% chance that the affair couple will marry, if they do, there is an 85% chance the marriage will fail in the first two years. Again, Frank Pittman goes into this, so does Peggy Vaughn and a host of other noted psychologists who have spent their lives studying affairs.<P>Finally, there is an 18% chance that a couple who divorces will remarry their previous spouse. So, odds are more likely that you would end up with your ex, than the affair partner.<P>If you need any further information, just let me know.

I was married 28 years and had returned from my daughter's first bridal shower one month before her marriage. That evening I found out about the affair and that he was planning to leave.<P>He said that night that if that affair didn't work out, he was afraid I wouldn't want him back and he didn't want to be alone. I then said I probably would as he needed to see what he wanted.<P>He asked that question 3 weeks later and I said I wasn't sure. <P>We pretended for a year. Christmas of 1997, he admitted he was still seeing her and wanted out. In other words, the woman was putting great pressure on him.<P>I filed for divorce but let the action expire after a year. I'm sure she thought she was free to marry the man of her dreams. I didn't tell them that it had not taken place until they got a letter from a judge.<P>In January of 2000, we began to see a mediator. He filed. The divorce was final May 1 of that year. I thought that they would get married then.<P>He may have waited a year. I would often drive by to see if I could tell what was going on. The last two to three weeks she was staying over at his place. I haven't heard that they are married. In fact, I look at the marriage licenses in the paper every day. They may have decided to just live together.<P>I think this is the best thing that could happen to them. For here's when the reality test begins. I don't think he has the intestinal fortitude to ask to come back if things were wrong. I am not certainly not going to ask him.<P>For the most part, I'm happy with my life without him. But it would be "Sweet Redemption" to know that he has regretted dumping the person who had been better to him than anyone in his lifetime.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Martha

H started his affair Sep/Oct 96. Told me he was leaving 3 days after Christmas '96. Moved out Jan '97. Would not admit to the affair, but I suspected and found out the truth shortly before he moved out. Dragged his feet settling our divorce, I suspect, because he was not really sure he wanted to marry OW. Tried to come back Aug '97, because he was afraid OW gave him AIDS (her estranged H was a drug abuser, which put her at risk.) Moved in with OW Aug '98, trying to keep it secret by moving his phone number to her apartment, so his parents would not know that he moved in with her before our divorce was final. Finally agreed to settlement (OW was pressuring him, I'm sure) and D was final April '99. Married OW Sep '99. He makes such a big deal to everyone about how happy he is now, but I hear that he has problems with panic attacks and chest pains. I am better off without him, he is not the man he was before, and I have no interest in a relationship with someone who lies, cheats and uses people. I don't wish either one of them any harm, but I don't wish for their marriage to succeed, either. Whatever "happiness" they have, was taken at another's expense, and is a result of lying and cheating. Not an honorable thing, and I for one will have a small measure of satisfaction if/when it fails. The odds are against them, as this is her third marriage, and the marriage resulted from an adulterous affair, and they are basically just using each other.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Martha642:<BR><B>For the most part, I'm happy with my life without him. But it would be "Sweet Redemption" to know that he has regretted dumping the person who had been better to him than anyone in his lifetime.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know what you mean, Martha. I know it's not a great attitude, but I'm hoping for a miserable life for my ex-wife, for everything she did to our family. I even had thoughts crossing my mind of my happiness at finding out she had committed suicide. But I know those thoughts will pass.

hopeless mom- I am not divorced but have read all your posts so far so I hope you dont mind if I reply. BTW I cant BELIEVE your H put OW on his insurance- the NERVE! I even told my mom about that! Talk about a fog inspired move. Next thing ya know she'll be leaving Fritos in your car! Anyway I found out about my H and his A with a single coworker this past valentines day morning- I had confronted him again and he confessed! What a day for that to happen huh? He had ignored me when I was sick,ignored my bday, was going to the gym EVERY day-( found out later it was to OW's condo) and of course cut me off physically so I knew something was up since the summertime. He moved out for 3 wks- said he was staying with friends but I found out later he was staying at OW's empty condo( she took a job transfer as she was sick of him coming home to me- his own wife!) She thought he was divorcing me so she gave him the key to her place. Yet he kept coming home for dinner every night and to see the kids but was seeing divorce attorneys and looking at apts on his lunch hrs at OW"s request! He did file for D on me last month but then confessed to a therapist we went to see that OW insisted that he do it. He would break off with her then get weak and call her and she was mad and would demand he take further action against me. My H who usually easily made decisions and was a high achiever at work suddenly was RULED by whatever OW told him to do! It was sick sick sick! Anyway I refused to agree to any easy divorce due to my spiritual beliefs and told him if he insisted it would be a long drawn out messy divorce and I would move to another state with the kids and start my life all over!( we've only lived in OH one year due to moving here for H's job). I've moved 5 times in 15yrs all for HIS job and if he ditches me and our 3 kids then its MY time to decide where to live. Anyway he changed his mind about the D and we are now starting counseling for real. We are 4 mo past d-day now and its been a real adventure to say the least. I hope your H wakes up and sees what a fool he is before its too late. I think sometimes husbands are so freaking out that they panic and take action whether its what they truly want or not. Take care- you deserve better. lifeismessy

I know this may not help..but my dad married one of the many <BR>OW he had during my parents marriage..and they started dating when I was in h/s (about 1980)my parents divorced in 1982, and they married in 1985, and are still together...they have two children of their own..and are very happy...<P>My first h met his present wife while we were still married..they married within 30 days after our divorce..and <BR>are still together..13 years later..<P>same thing with my uncle and his second wife..they have been married almost 20 yrs now too..she was his secretary..and it still feels weird calling her aunt...<P>my best friends dad moved in w/ OW when she was like 5 or 6..(she's 36 now)...her parents divorced in like 1980, he's still with OW,..and her mom is with OM that she'd met back before their divorce was final..and they have been married now for over 20 yrs..<P>I know those aren't normal occurances..but..thats what I have seen happen...<P><BR>

Hey Hopeless,<P>I agree with WhenIfindthetime, you need a new username. You have dealt with alot, but I don't see you as a hopeless mom.<P>I am going to echo what has already been said here. I still care deeply for the woman I married, but this person is gone. And I really don't think she will ever be back. The person that my STBX is now, is not someone that I would ever associate with again. She is a cold hearted b*tch, and cares for no one but herself and Mr. Personality Disorder.<P>Because the OM still works with my best friend, I still here things from time to time. And frankly it is not pretty. Her life now if worse off than it would ever have been with me. He's not the loving, compassionate man that she thought he would be. Oh Well. Her decision. Her Loss. He can have her, because I don't ever want her back.<P>Griz

Hey hopelessmom,<P> I don't post much anymore,but I'll give you my update.<BR> I discovered my ex's A in the summer of'98.She moved out to continue seeing him,then moved in with him a few months later.We were divorced last year. <P> She had plenty of time to change her mind,but was going through a MLC,an identity crisis,and total euphoria that a 31 yr-old(BoyToy)could make a 43 yr-old woman feel like a giddy teenager again! <P> I think I made it pretty clear that once we were divorced,it was over for good,and I haven't heard hide nor hair of her since.I,too,read all the books,and kinda fiqured she would of called by now(maybe for money?).I do not know if they are still living together,and I really don't care anymore.She isn't the woman I married over 25 years ago.I still wonder sometimes what is going through her head right now.Maybe when she takes a good look in the mirror someday,she may realized what she lost(I spoiled her!).<P> But if I DO hear from her,....the MB Gang will be the first to know! <P> BTW,when she moved out,she gave me back MY cellphone with HIS number still in the menu!!! <P>~~Murph

Ex and LRB are in a off on relationship...<P>When he uses they break up....when he's clean they're back on...<P>I have gotten to the point I can sit in a meeting with them both and not feel totaly uncomfortable...I do however mutter F you under my breath when he says I'm LRB and I'm an addict...<P>Yes it is a lingering resentment and I talk to my sponsor about it <P>I still remain single...<P>Bill

My ex and his Thing are still together. Have been since about Oct of 99. He moved in with her in December 99 (the day he moved out of our house)<P>They're relationship isn't the best. She's already kicked him out once for flirting with a female bartender when they were out one night. He was gone for about a week and then she took him back. I had to laugh when I heard about it! <P>It really wouldn't matter if they weren't together, cause I'm not letting him come back here. <P>Mitzi