Let me see where do I start. X met OW2 in July of 2000. Left me and the kids for her in August. I filed for divorce and moved out of our home with the kids in October. He moved himself and her and her kids in the next day. (A**Hole!!)The divorce was final in mid December and he and OW2 were married in Feb. They have spent all the money she got from selling her share of her house back to her live in boyfriend. Almost 50,000.00 They live like they are on top of the world but I'm just sitting here waiting for the bottom to drop out. Do I sound a little bitter, well maybe I am but not really. I just hope that someday they really feel the pain that they caused alot of people.<P>Jill<P><P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

My soon-to-be-ex was "confused" and had a 6 month affair in private, then after I figured it out, kept it up when I was begging him to stop for another 4 months until I finally told him to move out. I wouldn't let him live with me if he couldn't be trusted and I had to stalk him to know if he was telling the truth or not. He just couldn't let her go, he was in such a fog. (Did he really think such a slut would stick with him for the long term?). Within 2 months of him moving out she dumped him like a hot potato, and was he ever depressed about that. He was used like a paper towel. (She had 3 ex-husbands already, and was only in her 30s! Duh! She cheated on him too!) He actually thought she loved him, and he loved her. Did I really marry such an idiot? By then I wasn't sure I wanted him back! He had a second affair that summer, when we were in a standoff. He has always wanted back, even before he moved out, I just couldn't let him have it both ways in the end. He now lives in apartment and hates it, and as far as I know isn't dating anyone, but writes me letters to get back together, the last one with his notarized papers that I served him.<P>As for me, I went through a year of waffling between wanting him back and being fearful of taking him back for multiple reasons. I finally got clarity and realized this wouldn't ever be a healthy relationship again and it took me another 6 months to file. I miss him from time to time, like this weekend I was very lonely. I do really hate being so alone in the house. I have friends and can do stuff, it is the little things I hate like watching TV alone, or eating dinner alone, or wanting to go shopping with someone. Being hugged, or taking a walk, and talking with him that I miss. Sappy, but he has so many other things I will not accept in a relationship that I am comfortable with moving on. I also feel like the earlier post that I may never get in a relationship again. I really hope I do, but know I won't be capable of it for a long long time. I really feel so scarred emotionally by this, that it feels like a raw sore. It goes pretty deep. I have had a pretty charmed life until this that I am just reeling. I didn't have any skills in my bag to deal with emotional stuff like this and am just having to figure this out as I go. <P>So, I stopped all contact with him until after the divorce goes through. I am being nice in email or if I have to talk to him, treating him like we are just two sad people now just trying to get through this as painlessly as possible. <P>In real life, I am cussing him and feel sorry for myself and miss him terribly, and hate his guts all at the same time. I know he regrets what he did. I can't wait until after the D is over so I can unload on him one last time and tell him how he screwed up our perfect little life and will never get it back again. I know that isn't healthy, but I just feel like screaming at him.

Hum... Not sure what will happen with my situation.. <P>H moved out in October... Swore there was noone else.. Continued to "see" me until December when I discovered he was in fact living with a woman and her 5 kids.. <P>They have had (supposedly) an on/off relationship. In March he made a half hearted attempt to come back.. (Guess there was trouble in paradise). Found out that I had been dating someone and blew a gasket... Told ME.. that I had CHEATED!!! Meanwhile he had moved out, was living with another woman and couldn't quite understand why I started dating someone (casually) after he said he didn't love me and wanted a divorce... <P>Ok.... So, he still hasn't filed for divorce... Up until that last couple of weeks... Called every day.. Ended every conversation with "I love you"... I got tired of all the lies and crap, told him not to bother and PLEASE FILE! <P>I wish him and the OW the best... They deserve each other! Actually I am hoping that they get married if we ever get divorced and make each other miserable! They have broken up and gotton back together at least 5-6 times since October. Figure it will be an interesting time for both of them. Just feeling sorry for the kids. <P>arm6868@YAHOO.COM

My x had an over two yr affair with a married online lover. After several attempts at trying to save the marriage, he moved out, we filed and, despite that I said I did not want the divorce and was willing to wait for a while, he finalized the divorce. This happened between Spring of 97-99. We sep. for the last time summer of 99 and divorced feb of 2000. <P>He was hot to trot for her right after we filed. Went to see her (1600 miles) often. But, after she actually spent some time with him, she dumped him. <P>I understand she remarried this spring. He moved away and I am not sure what or who he is seeing now. I got re- aquainted with an old friend who was married 27 years and had been divorced for three. We have been seeing each other now for over a year. <P>Life does go on, and despite the pain and sorrow we feel while going through this mess, we can be happy again.Not that we aren't scared to some extent, because we are, and if we have kids, they are. But, just have to look within ourselves and find our true happiness all over!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

CJ..anger is a very normal reaction..and part of the grieving process that is required to heal..the grieving over the loss of a loved one..so go ahead and vent and get the anger out so that you can heal emotionally..

We have been separated over a year now. I don't expect and don't want her to come back. Not that I think she will.<P>She is (IMHO) very invested in making her new relationship work. You see, I have primary custody of the kids. This is a big loss of face in her culture.<P>So her tactic is to make me the Great Satan. Everything I do is designed to make her miserable. I wonder what happens when we are divorced and she can't blame her lack of happiness on me. That will be interesting.

grandpabri,<P>When you are divorced, she'll still blame you. (have lying, cheating XW too)<P>I'm in the same boat as you. I have primary custody of my daughter.<P>XW wants me to put our daughter in a daycare that is close to HER work; out of my way. I pick up almost every day and drop off 3 days a week usually. I told her the place I had picked out so she could check it too. (I'm trying to work with her to raise our daughter) Even though it is only for the summer and is extremely convenient for both of us, she did not approve saying that she is going to move far away from me. I kinda lost it this time and told her to "grow up". She sped off.

father of 1,<P>Geez, I read your posting and thought I had typed it. I'm going through almost the exact same thing for the same issue, and said the same thing.<P>I'm beginning to realize that I'm being nearly, or maybe as much as, childish as she has been. I have to remember that she, being the betraying spouse, is in many ways going through a tougher time than me. I have no guilt over what happened because I tried to keep us together. She's going through what I'm going through, plus the guilt of breaking the family without even trying to fight to keep it together. Maybe that makes her as much scum in her eyes as it makes her in mine.

trying2bme,<P>Yep, it must be absolutely horrible for them. She had a poor self-image to begin with. And now? If I were her, I'd have a hard time looking in a mirror.<P>At least I am guilt free and have a chance to establish a new solid relationship. I now have a chance to find a best female friend. (My X was never my best female friend) My X is living off scraps as far as her relationship goes.<P>The only upside for them is the OP. <P>And when the fantasy goes away, it's time for rock bottom depression. But hey, it's their own making.<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited May 30, 2001).]

Hi all,<P>Been a long, long time since I was here. This topic does interest me. My ex is still with the OW she now lives in his mansion, sails in his boat and travels on trips with him much like I used to. She apparently doesn't cook very well because he gave her cooking lessons for christmas. Of course they are the same lessons he gave me long ago. He called the other day asking me to sign over a vacation we bought on our 16th anniversary to the same island that we spent a week on. <P>I have to say, Im at such a good place in my life I don't really care. Yes Im still alone, but I am so busy running my new business, sharing my time with two great kids and many wonderful friends that I don't think about it much. He isn't the guy I was married to. He has so little self esteem, he has to constantly interview the kids on me and my life. I have pulled myself from such a state I was in so long ago and I am proud of myself. So yes he is still with her. The children have alot of issues with her. I think it must be tough. They aren't married but are living like they are. Oh well that is life. I see it happening for me one day again too. I just have to get out and date a little more! Yuk!<P>Take care,<P>GP

My ex of almost 4 yrs is still with OW and they have been living together since the divorce. According to ex, he told me a few weeks ago they are in counselling because of her extreme jealousy, and although they got engaged last yr sometime, there was no way he was going to marry her the way she is right now!

And does your ex understand why she can't trust him??? I mean..does he realize that HE helped her get that way..by his not being faithful to you in your vows by cheating with her??<P>Myabe it's a good thing that they are in counseling together..sad that it took her to get him there..but maybe he'll realize how much he hurt you by his actions..

For all of you interested in my screen name, I don't plan on changing it yet. I don't feel like a hope less mom but when I first came here in Feb I did. My name is no indication of my present state of mind. I am still on the roller coaster of emotions. <P>While I have read many books on this wonderful subject, Yes, I read Pittman, i was mostly interested in true life experiences, not statistics. I think statistics can be manipulated and frankly, i don't care about statistics. <P>For all concerned, I am moving forward in my life, baby steps. Do i have hope of my H returning to me, yes, a small amount of hope BUT that doesn't mean he will, or that I would want him. IF he came back, or suggested it, That decision would be another challenge in my life, one that I am not totally prepared to answer at this point.<P>While I know everyone has their own situation regarding infidelity and divorce and all that, I feel that in my case, with 3 very small children, I must have hope. I will be in contact with this man for at least the next 18 years, hopefully for the kids sake.<P>I miss my H. I was his best friend. I miss laughing, and playing and hugging and just hanging out with him. I miss the family life that we never had. We never got the chance to be a family without babies. My kids will never know what that was like and I will never know what that would have been like. Mommy and Daddy and the kids at the park, etc. Fun family things. I am mad at him for taking THAT away from me. I felt like we were almost at the end of the tunnel where the kids would perhaps not need an eye on them every second and that we were about to be able to do "fun" stuff. But instead, my world and my kids world blew up in front of me. It is so sad.<P>hopelessmom but full of hope

My exH proposed to OW a few months after our divorce became final, and they are still together. I'm guessing they have been at least friends/lovers for about 2 years now, but I don't really know the truth.<P>Anyway, the affair, lasted right thru our divorce. I don't know that we technically can call it affair once we're divorced, can we?? Either way, I think the Harley statistical average of 6 months from seeing light of day is WAY off from what I've seen here.<P>Also, I tend to see in my case, and others here, the WS is determined to put a lot of effort into the new relationship, possibly to justify the horrible thing they did to the BS. Not in all cases, as I've said before, there are some WS here, who are good people too. But really, I guess looking at it from that angle, if it were me, I'd put a lot into it for what I gave up.<P>I read Pitman's book, has good statistics, and a lot of WS do try to return at least once, but for whatever reason, it may not be the right one to the BS either. <P>I think you should focus only on you. If you heal, and you WILL, don't worry about the "what if" he comes back and I have healed" story. If you have healed, you won't want him back anyhow, and even if you have a tough decision, you'll get thru it, AND "what if" he never comes back. Don't keep yourself being hopeful of his return too long. We all still carry a tiny bit of hope for whatever reason, but don't let that be your sole reason for not letting go.<P>When you do let go , you will feel a peace that you haven't felt in a long time.<P>Good luck, and stay hopeful.<P>Dana

I am going on 7 months of separation. It is not something I wanted. We haven't been comfortable around each other during that time. We are going on a month of not seeing each other. We both agreed to stop. I still want her back, even though I have found evidence that she might be having an affair. I want to work this out with her. However,I am getting stronger everyday that I am not with her and becoming more confident and it scares me because I don't want to get over her and then have her say that she wants to get back together and not want her. She is my wife and I love her dearly. I still have hope, even though it is starting to wane.<BR>In agreeement with everyone else, I don't like what she has been doing lately. She has been treating me very badly and has not even shown common courtesy a lot of the time. She has been deceptive and not dealt with me in an honest manner. I feel good about the fact that I have tried everything I can to work this out and that I have been honest with her at all times.<P>My problem stems from how long do I want to go on. She is not showning any signs of filing for divorce, but she is not working on us either.<P>Immobilization is no fun. Wish me luck. Chase.

The same ? a little over a month ago would have reflected an entirely different response from me. I thought that no matter what the statistics were (these relationships don't last), my XH and OW were of the minority and had each apparently found their true soul mates. (I almost threw up writing that).<P>Almost to the day of our divorce being finalized did the OW show her true ways. My XH realizing; OH MY GOD, I THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR THIS!!!!!!!!<BR>He is still in a kind of shock, not believing what he did, and who he did it for. I had told him along the way, Greg, you really need to consider this persons character (her track record spoke for itself). He has told me that I was right all along.<P>He has made a complete mess of his life, mine too for that matter. He deeply regrets what he has done. At this point, we are taking it slow. Hopefully reconciliation is in our future. We will see!<P>Petrie

I discovered ex-wife's affair Dec 98. She moved out Aug 99 to pursue OM and started divorce process. Divorce was final Dec 99. She found out after she moved out that OM was already living with another woman. The fog has not even begun to clear. I feel sorry for her, but could never have stayed married to the person she had become.

My exH and I were divorced late December '00 and he married his ow in late January '01 (my 11 yo D was even in their wedding). I don't really know how they are doing. From what my d says they seem to be doing fine. I have finally gotten to a place where I hope their relationship does succeed otherwise what was the point of the divorce and all the pain that accompanied it? My exH still does leave (from my biased perspective) angry messages and sends angry letters reflecting his frustration at not knowing every detail of our life here but I am turning over a new leaf and I am attempting to be nice to him without being a doormat.<P>My father had an adulterous relationship with a co-worker for several years, divorced my mother and was with this woman until she died 11 years later. He was very happy with her - she worshiped the ground he walked on and made it very ok for him to drink as much as he wanted because she matched him drink for drink. Not the kind of relationship that I would want but it apparently met my dad's needs.<BR>