Hello everyone,<P>Whatever happens between my XH and myself (reconcile or not) I'd really like your opinion on this. Back in January (Super Bowl Sun. to be exact) I spoke with the OW. I didn't call her to give her hell, in fact I was extremely civil and actually kind. What I wanted her to know was, a little about me and my marriage. I didn't make the call to cause any friction between her and my H. The divorce proceeding were well under way by then, nothing I could do to stop it. <P>I really just had to let her know that I was a very good wife, friend, and lover to my husband. For whatever reason, I did it and if anyone was to be hurt by it, it would have been me. My husband had told me never to call her. I thought he didn't want me to call her because he was protecting "her". Well, after that "all night" phone call, we had talked several times more. I stopped talking to her in mid Feb. I had nothing more to say or hear, and hey, she got what she wanted-my husband. <P>She told me everything about what my H did for her and to what extent he took to win over her heart. By her being completely honest, she in turn asked me specific questions about my "then" relationship with H. The information she was giving me was pretty hard to take, I mean it would literally take my breath away. Her information was basically forth coming, I didn't have to drag it out of her. I now see that she was being slightly manipulative, because she then in turn wanted info. from me. She also told me that she would never tell him that we talked. <P>Frankly, I knew I was not doing anything wrong. One thing she asked specifically is if my H and I had had "relations". It is a pretty sick thing to justify having sex with your husband. I told her the truth, and even though I told her that it was probably because we were still living under the same roof, blah blah blah, she would hear none of it apparently. Of course she couldn't hold it in, and told my H that we talked. This caused massive problems in their relationship. <P>My XH has realized what he has done, that this relationship with OW would not have lasted and was bad all around. But this is what I don't get. He has been so sweet, caring, and loving towards me. He sees the mistakes he has made. He talks to me about wanting to reconcile with me. <P>Why then, if he knows that the relationship with OW was a bad thing (he told me he is soooo thankful that it didn't go any further), is he still in mourning for her and still throws it in my face-the fact that I talked to her. Just this morning (after a very loving weekend), he gave me hell and really worked himself up.<P>That phone call really upset me. I forgave him what he did, yet he actually can't let go of the fact that I went against his wishes (or should I say order) and talked with OW. Those phone calls hurt me, no one else but me. <P>I know that he is really trying to get his life in order. He tells me all of the reasons why that relationship was wrong and how he is so much better off without her. He tells me how he wants to make it better and start fresh with me. <P>If she is so full of hate and lacking of character, like he said she is-why does it seem that he is pining away for her. Do you think it is because he gave up so much for her and now can't believe what he did?<P>Help<BR>Petrie<P>

Yes, yes and triple-yes.<P>I truly believe that one day, they wake up and see how foolish they were. Of course, it's not very likely they will "fess up" to their stupid behaviour..that would be what a grown up would do. So they turn it (again) on you, her or whoever is in their way at the moment.<P>He's "pining" away because it's an addiction. He still isn't out of the fog completely, just enough to know how stupid he was for screwing up two relationships (so far). Be careful...he wants a safety net it sounds like...Take it veeeeeery slooooooow. Make sure he's really changed before you take him back. Give it a test period. That would be my advice.<P>Hang in there.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Did your divorce go thru? <BR>Are you still living with your husband under the same roof?<BR>It wasnt really clear to me. I am fairly new here & in alot of pain myself, hopefully one of these other wise people can explain to you about your spouse being depressed after stopping contact with the other woman.<P>Are you willing to give your H a chance to reconcile? Can yo go to counseling together. How about reading all the info on this site & would he exchange questionairres on emotional needs etc with you?<P>I wish I was where you are at. My H is still under our roof but in a separate room. We barely speak except to fight. We eat, drive seperately etc. I am heartbroken. I told him not to bother me with his stress from work & so he began talking to HER, another woman at work. We all work in the same place. Initially I thought she was my friend. <P>DONT TRUST THESE WOMEN FOR ONE SECOND. I confided 1 thing to her initially & I didnt know she was telling my H everything, probably with her own twist. She told me stuff he told her about us when I never knew - that I never loved him etc! Its not true. But now I believe she lied & manipulated us both only telling selective parts of what we each told her. I thought she was helping. She told my H she was only trying to help & wouldnt bother him anymore. LIAR. She is in his office 24hrs a day. Anything I do to indicate her true colors to my H is undone by her. He seeks her out too & listens to everything she says. I have no clue what all has been said, but my H was willing to give us a chance until she stuck her nose in it & now he says Divorce. <P>My H tried to tell me "she's a non issue" but that is becoming far from the truth. I never suspected sex but I think the emotional affair is more out of hand & she is more in control than I thought. (See my posts "SHe's in his office again" sometime.)<P>Take most of what she said to you with a grain of salt. And you can be sure she didnt tell your husband all you said either. Be glad that something happened for your husband to realize the grass is not greener in other pastures and that what they thought was happening was just pretend/fantasy. I love what someone else has called the OW (other woman) in their case - Ms. PsychoBabble! Ha ha. Keep posting here & I wish you the best in your endevours.<BR>

Mrs. O,<P>Wow, you are good. XH himself compared this situation to alcohol. He is a recovered alcoholic and said even though you know it isn't good for you............<P>Definately taking it slow. XH, said to please give him some time. It took him along time to get us in this mess and he now has alot to clean up.<P>Thank you!<BR>Petrie

Dear Petrie,<P>Progress sometimes has it's setbacks. I can relate to what you are going through. I don't really feel like I am in recovery yet either. <P>Anyway, I read something interesting in the His Need/Her Need book. The chapter just before the 10 needs are outlined is a chapter about the OP. Read it. It tells that the WS may 'never' get over 'some' of their feelings for the OP. Can the BS live with that? Should we, can we?<P>Something for me to think about. My H is not as attentive as yours is. Mine prefers to sulk around making minimal effort to meet the needs of his family. Of course, OW is still trying to be in the picture and H is still feeling sorry for her. This makes me sick but I am having to decide whether I want to live with this situation in my life for the rest of my life. <P>Slightly different issue than when he was gone but an issue nonetheless. <P>L.

Thanks....my H was a recovered alcoholic too, for the 14 years I knew him and the 12 years I was married to him. But he started drinking again (BIG TIME and in secret) about 8 months before the affair. I'm sure the alcohol helped him hyper-space into fantasy land. <P>While he is in counseling and doesn't drink that much anymore (according to him), he still does drink some. And this from a man who 16 years ago tried to off himself for the hold alcohol had on his life. Unbelievable. <P>I'm sure your H, already having an addictive personality, is gonna have an even harder time giving up this addiction. I just hope you're not co-dependant. Is marriage counseling a part of your future plans?<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Cantletgo,<BR>Divorce was final 4/30/01, and we haven't lived under the same roof since 2/1/01, and I am willing to give XH and our marriage a second chance. He isn't receptive to counciling yet, I do say yet because I see him opening up more and more.<P><BR>Orchid,<BR>You bring up a good point and it is something I must think about regarding his feelings for the OW. I don't think that I am co-dependent. I hope that we can get counciling together, as for now, no.<P>I do feel that we have a good shot at reconciliation, and this is just one of the setbacks I need to prepare myself for. I am thankful for his attentiveness, even though it may be mixed with a little aggravation! We are communicating and being completely honest with each other.<BR> <P>Petrie<p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited May 29, 2001).]