Hi JJ,<P>Glad I could help ya!!<P>Well... hmmmmm.... I don't know if I should say this or not, but... what do you mean when you said, "Use you post against you"? <P>When you answer, try not to use specifics (names)... did you say something, and then it was later used against you?

Hey Sheryl <BR>I'm not getting into specifics. It doesn't matter right now. Just wanted to make that point. It does happen. And it shouldn't. We are all here for a reason. We should all help eachother and make everyone feel good and give them insights and suggestions. I know how it has made me feel and it is not good. It totally sends the wrong message. That is all.<P>..........JJ........

Okay, and you have a great night...

You too and thank-you<BR>JJ

Hi,<BR>I do not feel comfortable on this forum because it validates taht my marriage, according to my H's actions, is nearly officially ended. This is not my choice, and the blood will be on his hands, as I said I would not file.<P>I started on the infidelity forum. Soon, the affair,which started in 1/00, could evolve into more...her fourth...<BR>what a prize he will get...but he will have to find out for himself...right?<P>There are as many variations of Plan A and B as there are people on MB. I have read the book, spoke to Dr. Harley on the radio, counseled with Steve Harley, and conversed with others on the forums. I have sent a Plan A letter taht I labored over for weeks; it had absolutely no affect.<P>I haven't seriously considered a B letter, since my H is about to get what he thinks he wants--regardless of waht I want.<P>So many on the forum have been so supportive to share with me the realities of how alcohol factors into marriage and infidelity. <P>So, I will say taht being on this forum is very uncomfortable for me--I don't like to admit that this is how my life is now. I am not a happy trooper.<P>No, it is not easy for me to admit or accept this sentence that my H is pronounced on me and our marriage...<P>I am not interested in dating, or even discussing it with anyone.<P>I will not post on the recovery forum.<P>elo<BR>

I come here for many reasons. To feel like I'm not alone, not the only one losing my mind. To help, if I can, even though I feel desperately inadequate at times. I can only relate my story and hope that someone else sees where my marriage went wrong and how they might 1) see the signs and 2) avoid the same pitfalls.<P>I've applied MB principals myself but like many of you pointed out to me when I first began posting here, not all marriages or WSs can or will respond to them (my Plan A, the POJA which were forgotten by my H almost as soon as they were devised). To help others, to let others know that they aren't insane, inadequate, responsible for everything... the list goes on.<P>I'd hoped to salvage my marriage. I tried and tried and gave up after too many let-downs and broken promises. What I hope to gain from MB now is a better understanding of relationships in general. If I'm ever lucky enough to be in a relationship again, I will remember everything I'm . learning here. I will work harder to make it a healthy relationship. I will also know better how to respond when it is less than healthy. And with 3 children between us, I also hope to learn how to cope with my STBX fot the rest of my life...<P>Snow

For me, all of this has been so difficult. <P>I had no idea that he was having an EA when he left. And he lied and lied when it turned into a PA. And I didn't find MB until several weeks after he left.<P>Throw in the weeks of getting to the right counselor, getting on the right medication, and titrating up to the full dosage.<P>It was horribly difficult. I was trying to figure out how to do Plan A with a H who had left. He was wanting no contact.<P>So here I am. I know he's intent on going through with the divorce. So what can I do???<P>The only thing left is for me to work on myself, and encourage others to work on themselves and get the help they may need ---- especially when I notice someone wanting to 'make' their spouse do something.<P>In the first few weeks that I was on the boards, Just Learning basically sent me through a school of hard knocks. Sometimes rough stuf is all that will get through to people.<P>Did what he say to me hurt? Yeah. But the lesson he was trying to teach me is that I have to be honest and stop lying to myself.....I was in denial.<P>I would sit and type with tears running down my face, going through tissue after tissue. Realizing that with my depression, I had been blind to everything. The waves of emotion passng through me. Feeling that everything was my fault.<P>And then slowly rebuilding myself. That's what I'm doing over here. Yes, there are frustrations going through the divorce. Concerns about my daughter. Fears and situations which I am uncertain how to handle. And the encouragement from this board has helped me when I've faltered.<P>But I also know that I did have someone say some harsh words to me once upon a time. But they said them because they cared. Because they saw something that I was not acknowledging within myself and that I had to move past before I could make any real progress.<P>So here I am -- divorcing, but also doing a form of Plan A --- learning to be nice to the guy, and relearning who I am, dealing with MY issues.<P>If there's one forum that I'd like to add, it would be one for codependency. I'm not talking about families with alcohol and substance or sex addictions. Codependency can exist without those things. It's a difficult subject and there's very little about it available on the Internet. It's controversial where marriage is concerned.<P>The 12-step CoDA program is supposed to help a person overcome a codependency problem. But Harley believes that some measure of codependency is necessary in a marriage. So how do you solve the problem? How do you stop destructive codependency and establish a healthy relationship?<P>~Amy

When I read JJ's post I felt sad. Only because I can't tell you the number of times I read a post heading from someone I did not recognize and never responded because I didn't recognize them AND because I knew they were going through exactly what I went through a year ago. I get toungue tied when I think about giving advice to a newbie. I get scared and give up. Either it is because I can't articulate it well enough, or it will bring up the pain that I am moving past, or something. I guess for me I feel hypocritical sometimes explaining plan A or telling someone not to give up when I clearly am moving past my experience. It is easier for me to respond to someone about post divorce depression, dating, family issues, or philisophical ones instead. That is selfish in a way though. I am not sure. Maybe we should all make a conscious effort for every "familiar" post we make to post some real concrete MB advice to someone new. It might make the circle of regulars bigger.

I have several things I'd like to say and so if I ramble please forgive me.I'm taking medication for a bad case of bronchitis/strep throat and I'm a little fuzzy right now. First of all from a new person stand point: I don't care if you have any advice to give or not,just an acknowlegement that we are here and have been heard sometimes is all that is needed. This is new for us and it IS SCARY.People throw the word divorce around so easily at this period in time that many think nothing of it and don't realize how difficult and devastating it is. I probably would be a lot closer to getting a divorce if I hadn't been reading all forums including this one. Reading about the pain other people are going thru is a powerful inducement to try 200% to improve ones marriage. Sometimes it is hard to put in words what we mean. I posted on another board that I was disapointed that there were not more Christian principles and discussions available as there seems to be about various sexual practices. I am curious about everything,as are many other people. Which is why I read those other posts. I did not mean to say that those things could not be discussed. Once you are divorced or are at the end of marriage what else is there besides being lonely if you don't date? Yes as a Christian I know what the bible says about divorced people but I don't believe that is a great sin and I think my God is a loving and understanding God and will forgive that. I think discussing dating is a logical topic on a d/d board. Sometimes new people do have valuable things to contribute when others take a thread off topic. Thank you for bringing this subject up. I did have a few responses on things I posted, you know who you are and I thank you for those KIND responses. I wish I could send this post to the other boards but I don't know how to do that. I tried to do the quote thing and the edit thing once and just couldn't get it right.

Also someone mentioned about reading all the information presented on the MB site. That is good advice. I read everything and then printed everything out. It took a long time to do that. When my husband is ready to read anything I will have it ready and available. And I will also have it readily available to refresh my memory when I can't get back on the computer(teenage son). Another point if you can remember back to when you were new- some of us have no one that we can discuss this topic with for various reasons and sometimes just need to get it off our chests(vent). Thanks again for being concerned about us new people.