Hi there,<P>I should tell you now that I am not quite at the point of divorce in my life, but I may be soon. D-day was Feb 6th and my W and I are trying to work things out. Anyway, she thinks that if we were to divorce that we could still be friends and when I informed her that I would basically walk away 100% (we don't have kids) she has a hard time understanding that. I tell her that I love her and would do anything for her, but if we would split she would basically be dead to me. I believe I need to do that to heal properly, and I don't want to here how she is doing if I can't be her husband. Can I get some input on this subject?

Need some background. <P>Tex.

I basically agree with you....I don't think you can really be true friends after such a thing. I think you can communicate, be "friendly" and get along, if you so choose. But you can't truly be friends...that word has a REAL meaning to me and after what happened, it would have no chance to mean what it means.<P>The thing is...my H will always be "imprinted" on me in some fashion. I can't get him "out" from under my skin. I'm in Plan B, I communicate with him very rarely and then only by e-mail. We don't have kids, so we don't have to communicate, except about finances. I basically moved on and am not planning on him being a part of my life anymore.<P>So while my attitude (once my divorce is final) will be one of "you are dead to me," in reality, some little part will always love him, will always care for him and probably always be there for him, if he was really in a fix.<P>That's the dilemna. And in a way, it sucks.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 19, 2001).]

Don't know your situation but in mine my STBX/WS said the same thing. He would like to be friends.<P>Nope, Nadda, No way......No one I consider a friend would ever treat me like he has. <P>It just allows them to allevaite some of their guilt for leaving in thinking that after all this is over you will just be able to be friends. They really don't want you to go away completely but they want their freedom. (have their cake and eat it too). In my book Freedom has its price.<P>I will have to communicate with him regarding the children but other than that he will be dead to me. <P>There are others here who do a good job being friends/friendly with ex's. I admire them greatly and seek the strength to be more forgiving but it is so so hard. <P>Take Care.<P>

Jab- my d- day was also in Feb- in my case it was my H who had the A with a single coworker. He told me I could never forgive him and that he'd be leaving me for her. That our marriage was 'over in his head' but he never told me. I kept trying to work things out with him and I am very opposed to our divorcing after 15 yrs and 3 kids- but he got so caught up with OW he filed on me. I then told him several different times that if he divorces me against my will and God's will that no way no how could I be friends with him and that I would go for main custody and move away with the kids to be near relatives. I'd have to start my whole life over. None of this easy dissolution stuff where we live a block apart and share custody. No I told him- its all or nothing.I even checked with my attorney to make sure this was possible for me to do. Why would I want him in my life when he had the A, lied to me then divorced me against my will and the beliefs we're raising our kids by? He's a man who would take us all to church then drop me and the kids off then go over to OW"s condo saying he was going to the gym.He thought these choices over quite a bit and now we are 2 mo into recovery and going to counseling. No more of his sleeping on the couch with his mind not made up. I wasnt bluffing with what I told him. When he realized that it woke him up to what he was REALLY doing. lifeismessy

A little background on my situation....<P>Again D-day was Feb 6th of this year. My W, OM and I all work together. OM was a friend of mine that worked out with me 5 days a week after work. He is 42, W is 27 and I am 28. I will never have anything to do with OM ever again except work related things, but my marriage was good before this and can be good again. W is in a deep depression and was a few months before A started (mid-december). She's now on meds and is seeing a counselor weekly. She says that if it were not for the depression, she would not have done it. I'm having a hard time with that one. Anyway, there are no kids so there is no need for communication. In my point of view, it would hinder my progress in healing if we remained in contact. Once she is out of my life, I become my #1 , not her. My best interests become more important than hers. I'm not saying that I would be mean to her, I'm saying that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. I agree with Mrs O, she would be considered "dead" to me.<P>Jab

There is a difference between a friend and a <B> friendly demeanor. </B> Many WS don't know the distinction because they are in the ephinephrine high of physical attraction.<P>If you don't have kids, I suggest you just walk away. With the added stress of children, the person must have enough coping and social skills to make a good parent.<P>Without children, all you have is a legalized serious dating relationship. Sorry to be so harsh, but read the book, Private Lies, by Frank Pittman for understanding. if the person does not admit to wrong doing after discovery, and does not consent to work on the marriage within a very short time, in my opinion, she is exhibiting enough red flags to not warrant further time and effort.<P>WIFTTy<BR>