Guess I should say Xin-laws considering I am Divorced. This is solely a vent post, but I can't tell you how much it hurts.<P>I understand my H and his NEW family (OW and her bevy of kids) now go to the In-laws on a regular basis. These ppl were my only family, now I feel so betrayed by them as well. I know this is their brother (H), I just feel so hurt to know they accept this person (OW) into the family with open arms. She was beyond cruel to me, and they knew about all of it. What a disappointment. I imagine all of them happy, thinking how good it is that he and OW and OC are FINALLY together. Finally ridding themselves of me, the one who didn't fit.<P>Don't get me wrong, I know being Divorced, eventually my H would bring "someone" to the family things. It's just the fact it is this OW that seems to bother me so much. Makes me wonder why I trust in people and what they say. <P>Have any of you felt this way? Have you had to manage your emotions regarding the acceptance of the new OP entering what was once "your place" in the family? How did you get thru it, what did you tell yourself so you didn't feel so hurt and discarded?<P>Help needed, just a bad day ... I guess I'm not feeling so Divorced. Gawd this is NOT easy!<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P><P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

(((((Jo)))))))<P>Something I have come to realize recently is that even though my (ex)In-laws still love me and care about me, they belong to my ex. Period. I still have a good relationship with them, although we are no longer in daily contact with one another. When my ex brings a new person into their lives, I expect that they will welcome him as well because of their love for their daughter. However, I’ll be willing to bet that they will feel a bit awkward themselves being around her with someone new.<P>I’m sure that your In-laws still love you and care about you as well, but unless they are willing to disown a member of their own family, they have to try and be accepting of your ex and this OW. Another member of my family got divorced and is now living with the OW. Even though my family has love and compassion for the departed ex, we have accepted the OW into the family, but not as a replacement. There is a difference.<P>I know it’s hard and I know it hurts, but just take all of these things a day at a time and you will make it.<P>Healing is a process, not an event.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.</I><P>~Joseph Campbell

Well, the divorce probably made my BIL happy, he is now the favorite SIL!<P>Its wierd, my ILs sometimes act like nothing has happened except for my SIL. SIL, x's sister isn't speaking to her.<P>X and om/h were at the IL's atleast once in the past 2 yrs but not many more times than that. X and her father share birthdays and for over 16 yrs we always celebrated together. X and om/h didn't this year or last to my knowledge.<P>But they have accepted everything. One time they were going over to x's house and I said to MIL that it must be hard. SHe replied "I just accept things." Then my FIL told me that om offered to repair some rust on his car body. FIL said if it wasn't so far, he would. Like I wanted to hear any of that!<P>A couple weeks ago, FIL told me what x had got him for his birthday. He said " Your exwife got me golfballs" Weird!<P>So I have adopted what Jayhawk has, its her parents so I don;t plan to put my heart in between them. Neither should you.<P>Bob

Jo,<P>I sure can understand how you feel. Right after my D early last year, I flew out to spend time with my xMIL. We had a great time together. However, immediately after I got back, I found out my xH was getting married to the OW and that my MIL went to the wedding in FL. After the wedding, she drove right here to Atlanta to see x's houseboat and never bothered to call me. I decided then and there that it was time for me to move over. I was no longer her S's W, the OW was. I am no longer a DIL - I became a friend. I feel the difference and she is definitely treating me waaaayyyy different. Now I am more like an acquiantance.<P>I was the favorite DIL, so this hurt me big time - not just to lose my H but to lose her love, too. But, I did talk to myself and had a friend who helped me to see it. As Jayhawk and Bob have pointed out, families will rarely oust their blood, even if they disapprove of their actions. What finally put it into perspective for me was to think if this had been my child doing this - one of my own sons. How would I react? Of course I would be terribly disappointed, but in the long run, I would never turn my back on my own child. <P>I have accepted, like the others who posted before me, that I know that I am still cared for by this family, but it is on a totally different plane than previously. It is just another piece of "fall-out" that affairs cause.<P>I am sorry for your hurt. I do wish things would brighten for you. Sending a whole bunch of hugs your way<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey Jo,<P> I remember you. <P> I don't really post much anymore,but this topic has always struck a nerve with me.I was pretty close to my XIL's,too.I've known them for about 25 years.It's been almost 3 years since my ex's A,and her moving out.She trashed me to her family so I was the one booted out.<BR>I felt the same way you do now.Her BoyToy was most likely sitting in MY chair,drinking out of MY coffee cup,at THEIR house! <P> So,.....I can give you the"blood is thicker than water"speech,but you already heard that one.<P> So,how did I get over those feeling? Two things:<P>1.It takes time,lots of time.<P>2.Say to yourself,"To Heck with them,..they don't deserve MY company!" Now,repeat this 100 times a day.<P> Pretty soon,you'll believe it,and feel a whole lot better! <P> Take care,Jo.<P>~~Murph <BR>

Oh, how I understand you,<P><p>[This message has been edited by betrayed and desperate (edited June 28, 2001).]

<BR>Oh, how I understand you,<P>I am still not even divorced (d day July 4th) but my H lives with OW in OUR house for almost a year (kicked me into apartment) and my ILs all accepted tis OW, invite her on dinners, celebrations, while at the same time last 3 months I didn't hear a word from them.<P>After 22 years I expected different reactions-wondering why.<P>I am the only child of old parents with no relatives except them so I was really good with his family.<BR>At the time A started my MIL was of the great help to me cause she is younger then my mother and she really tried to <BR>make her son came back to his family , but when that didn't succeed she accepted and FIL helped even phisically to move OW in MY house , they painted the house, do the gardening, clean, ... everything what they never did when I was there, with 2 kids, and 8 hours job (OW is unemployed, 10 years younger and the whole day does nothing about the house, has also no kids only having fun walking arround the town spending his money...). Funny!!?<P>I know he is their son, but the whole 22 years I was doing everything to please him and them also and now when I have a lot of problems (parents are old and sick, I work, and they have only me so I have to do the double housekeeping-no money for hire somebody to help) in spite of the fact they know all about the problems and CAN help if they want----not a word from them.<P>Sorry this is your thread but I also needed to vent, cause just last night I had a phone talk with my H where he explained to me that I was never a good wife and mother and DIL so that's the reason whay they left me alone in a mess.<P>Hugs to you. <BR>I assume probably that's the way things go by nature, maybe I should be the same if I was at their place<P>But these thoughts don't diminish the pain<P>Love<P>

I have just tried to accept that this is what happened to me and life goes on my inlaws are no longer apart of my life and what they think or do has nothing to do with who I am. if you are divorced it is best in some wyas not to hold on to that part of your life.<P>

My g/f's XMIL is a real winner. When g/f was married, the IL bought cemetary plots for all the family, immediate family that is, no spouses were included.<P>The XMIL has also forbide the x's secretary from talking to g/f. G/F call his office to arrange kid's schedules so she has to talk to secretary.

Hey my freind Jo,<P>While my in-laws have all been wonderful to me, there have certainly been many situations where I feel I have been replaced.<P>A few weeks ago my MIL died, after a very lengthly illness. I went to see her a few weeks before her death and we had a good time, laughed, reminisced...and I got to catch up with various BIL's, SIL's,.<P>My MIL fell into a coma soon after, and the family called me to come out to say a final goodbye. I felt I had already done that, and didn't feel real comfortable about it, but they pushed me. They felt that if I (among others) spoke with her that maybe she could let go and die. Well, I drove over and lo and behold, walk upto the house and there is H and OW sitting at the kitchen table with various members of H's family....OUCH!. I turned around and left. H made a scene running out after me. They knew I was coming over, and I have accepted the fact OW is a part of things, but I was not ready to see her sitting there.<P>The family convinced me to come again the next day...H cleared out and I got to say goodbye to my dear MIL of 20 years. She died a few hours later. I did not go to the funeral...could not handle H and OW being there together with my kids. I went back over a few nights ago and got MIL's kitty, now she's mine .<P>My BIL's, SIL's, neices and nephews love me. They are between a rock and a hard place. I will always love them (especially those kids...man that is tough not seeing them) but I have no choice to accept that I won't be around any longer. In some ways I think the change is harder on them than me. My kids have to do all of the things they used to do, but now with H & OW. H has not changed his life much, still vacationing in the same place, but now with OW and my kids. He still golfs on weekends, but now when he has them for the weekend, OW takes them shopping, dinner, spends $ on them.<P>Well, this is turning into my own personal rant...sorry Jo, just wanted to say I do understand and now that my feelings for my H are completley gone, the only loss I feel really is for the family I had to let go of, and it hurts. I have gotten closer to my own family as a result, and try harder to spend time with them.<P>Jo, there are many kinds of families. It can be a group of friends, co-workers, your step-son is certainly your family. I could tell when we were together how much that child means to you. Keep looking, you will find them. Wish I could help more. Would a trip to Phoenix, a few marguaritas and a date with Don Henley help?<P>Love ya Jo.....Jo

Jo, I'm not divorced yet but in-laws have already become very 2-faced with me. They're nice to my face, but angry at me behind my back. My H also kicked me out of our house and moved OW in, but I got a restraining order and had them both removed. Now my ILs are letting H and OW stay for free in a trailer they own at the beach and paid for H's lawyer, while I pay H spousal support because we own a business together and he got too drunk and high to function here so now I run it alone. BTW, H is no kid, he's 48 yrs. old. OW is only 22.<P>I'm dreading the day that ILs start accepting OW as H's new woman. So far, as far as I know, they've had nothing to do with her.