I filed for divorce today. And my heart is broken. My husband and I have been together since we were 16 yrs old and married for 22 yrs. We grew up together and I don't think you could find 2 people more compatible. And we had a very good marriage until he became depressed when he turned 40. He decided that there must be someone better for him than me out there. He felt being a husband and father was too much work and not enough fun. He left my children and me over a year ago (On April Fools Day). For the longest time I thought that he would start missing us and regret his leaving. But now he has started running around with other women and has not bothered to even speak to his children in over 5 months. I don't want this but I guess I don't have any choice. He used to be such a good man. I don't know who this uncaring stranger is. I grieve for the death of our marriage and family. How do you stop feeling like the best part of your life is over? I have a great job and keep busy, but I still feel like there is nothing to look forward to and the future holds no joy.<P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59

SoSad.59, <P>I am so touched by your response to my thread. I have to tell you something. I've been on this forum for a long time, and I often jump in and talk to the newer folks because it's such a painful, awful time that y'all need some support and encouragement. Well, I read your post earlier today, and MAN. I did not have it in me to face the hurt and pain one more time. I hurt bad enough myself, I just couldn't do it. <P>Then, a miracle happened. A new person on this forum reached out to an "oldie" like me right when she was in the midst of her own darkest time! WOW! I still can't believe it. You know, God is funny sometimes that way. When I feel really hurt or bummed, it often helps me to help someone else--it takes my mind off my own troubles. Well, in this instance God sent you to me. Cool, huh?<P>So, let me share with you what I have learned. To answer your question, "how do you stop feeling like the best part of your life is over?", I would say it takes some time. So far, I've been learning for 1 1/2 years, and well...you can see where I was just last night. The lessons just keep coming. But, I did finally realize a few things.<P>First, I'd say that grieving for the death of your love relationship is natural. It's part of the process, and I would suggest that rather than trying to make it "go away" or "go faster", that you accept it and maybe even embrace it. Yes, I said embrace the grief. Learn the meaning of being lonely--learn the meaning of grief. Let yourself feel it. Walk with it a while. Heck, maybe even study it if you are the kind who likes to read; there are tons of books on grief and the grief process.<P>Second, I would suggest that having a funeral for your marriage would probably be REAL appropriate. Maybe write one finally "let it all out" letter to your H, saying everything that is on your heart -or- if you are more of a talker than a writer, make a tape. Create a ceremony for yourself to acknowledge that there has been a death--both of your marriage and of your illusions of how you thought it was and how you thought it was going to be. Those things are gone and dead, and it IS sad, so have a funeral. Wear black or rip your clothes. I will be a little personal with you: during the time that I thought our marriage was dead and I was coming to grips with that, I had a funeral, and I patterned it after Jewish mourning traditions since I am Jewish. I did not wear makeup or leather. I covered my mirrors so I could cry and look shook up and messy, and not worry about how I looked. I wrote one, last, final letter to my H and I burned it, and I buried the ashes. I said the memorial prayer for my marriage. <P>God, that hurt, but it was like step one healing and starting a new life. And I think this would also be helpful to you--a symbolic way to acknowledge that a death has occurred.<P>Lastly, let me send you a word of encouragement. The future does hold joy for you, but it may start off so small that you may not recognize it. For example, one of my small joys is grape juice. My H hates it when I drink grape juice because he thinks I'll spill it and ruin a perfectly good outfit. Well, I LOVE grape juice, and for years I never drank it. Guess what? Now I do!!! It's a small joy, but every time I drink a grape juice, it's like a kid with a secret piece of candy. YAY! Small joy. As a couple of these small joys gather together, pretty soon you'll realize, "Wow, I feel happy!" <P>Whaddya know. Joy.<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Trite though it may be....by realizing that the best part of your life is the second you are in NOW. Carly Simon says, 'these are the good old days.' What you consider the good old days probably didn't always seem so good at the time, did they?<P>I am sorry about your marriage, even more sorry that you had to be the one to file, that's tough. My XW did the filing, but not for the same reasons: she's a WAW, and your STBXH is in MLC. They are similar, I suppose, but she did all the work for the D, all I did was sign papers, I didn't even go to court.<P>Time is the answer. I was married for 18 years, and we have 4 children. She lives a block away, and OM is a former friend. Its hard to deal with, so I don't when I can avoid it. They are doing their thing, I am out of the loop. Obsessing about it does not help! (Strange, huh?) The really unfair thing is that they seem to be 'over it' before it is done, don't they? Think of that like a revolving charge account. He is accruing interest, paying nothing on principal. Actually, no...its a mortgage...with one helluva balloon payment at the end. When that end comes, you will get something back, trust in that. Be of good cheer. Why? I honestly do not know! How about this: God loves you, and he doesn't want to see you suffer. (After you have suffered a while...he will restore you.)<P>Hang in there, you are special, someone is about to find that out...you. Then someone else will, too. I hope that it is the FORMER him. God Bless you.

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened, sosad. To varying degrees, we've all been through many of the experiences you've had. FaithfulWife and waiting_for_her have already covered a lot of ground. I can only add to Faithful's suggestion to embrace the grief. As dark as things are now, you absolutely know that one day, and no one knows when, you'll feel great, and all this will be a distant memory. Embrace the grief, for one day, it will be replaced by happiness.

I cannot imagine the loss of a 20 year marriage and feel inadequate to offer any advice or suggestions. Only support. This may SOUND harsh, but by no means is it meant to be. Your life IS over. The one you had before. As it is for all of us. The grief you feel is healthy and strenthening. CJ is right. You must embrace the grief and the changes that are happening in your life. I know little about your situation, but it does NOT mean your marriage is over. Even if he came back tomorrow, this is the start of a new life and new relationship.<P>Time is the only way. This time last year, I cried for my ex every day. Slowly, it became only a few times a week. Now it is maybe once every two weeks or less and I have noticed that when I do cry, that the tears last a short time and I am able to continue with my activity. Even the pain is not as deep. I will always be touched and am forever changed by the loss of my husband and the life we had planned. I mourn it even today. I am in the process of moving out of "our" house into an apartment--finally. There is much I need to give up and will lose as a result. But I have a new life now, and even though I didn't want it a year ago, "wherever you go, there you are." I AM happy.<P>I am glad I made the decision to move NOW instead of right after the divorce/separation. (Over a year ago). The sadness has really taught me the power AND beauty of grief. I don't know if you like Oprah or not, but I get a subscription to her magazine. About two months after he left and was deciding if he still wanted to be married to me, I found an article called "Positive Thanking." Each of her issues has a theme, and that one was thankfulness. I have had it on my fridge for almost a year. It reminds me daily to be thankful even for the horrific things that happen to us. It uses a strange example of a woman who just found out that she has cancer and she exclaims "thank you!" It sounds far fetched, and I can't imagine the reality of this, but the point was that over time I really HAVE become thankful for the ugliness and pain of it all. I think that has really helped me. <P>The funeral idea of CJ's is a good one, but are you divorced or has someone filed? I know there has been little contact with the kids? Are YOU in counseling? If not, you should be for YOU, and certainly the kids. Don't let anyone tell you that counseling does not help. It does! Find a good one and take advantage of his/her services to the fullest. <P><p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited June 28, 2001).]

Time will help - one day the wounds will not be so fresh. And that will help.<P>I was so hurt the first year or so that I used to yell at God - very loud and long - until my throat was sore for a couple of days. And I didn't get the solution I wanted but I did get greater peace than I had experienced in years. <P>Like gsd, I recommend a good counselor. I've seen several of them - and sometimes it was a person chosen for a focus on a special issue. Some were very effective. Some marginally effective, and some were wonderful. (No, I'm not a therapy addict. I just believe it can really work if you put your heart into the process rather than merely showing up for looks.)<P>Journaling is a good therapeutic activity. My x and I met when I was 18 and we dated a long time before we married and ours was a fairly long marriage. 20 years is nothing to sneeze at.<P>So, remind yourself that you are a wonderful person and that it is ok to grieve and be hurt. But remember that there are better days ahead. There will always be days that will have significance and make you feel blue but life does get better.

Well, it's been about a year now since my wife deserted me. I still feel as if the best part of my life is over. Perhaps the rest of my life will be an extended epilogue, or perhaps there will be a sequel. I don't know. But either way, I plan to <I>live</I>, not just exist.<P>Sometimes you have to search for the joy. As I said, it's been about a year. I have been concentrating on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself, but recently I started thinking about what I could actually look forward to. It occurred to me that there is no longer a need for me to make choices that meet with my wife's approval.<P>And there <I>is</I> something I always wanted to do...<BR>

Hi SoSad,<P>I can relate to your story....the same exact thing happened to me, although I had no kids. And my H started an affair and moved in with the OW. He is like a stranger to me now.<P>The advice given so far is real good. I've been at this 1-1/2 years also, and am just now beginning to feel like I have some hope. I'm all on my own tho.<P>All I know is that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you and help you thru this. He will somehow, someway show you hope. I have no plans for my future...just taking one day at a time. But my self-esteem is coming back a bit and I am "feeling" hopeful a bit. I still have those down days and wonder "how could this have happened?" but they are few and far between.<P>If you can, get counseling. I think the idea of a symbolic ceremony is good. I finally (in January) took my wedding ring off, put all the picture of him away, and decided in my mind that that it's time to take care of me now, and stop hoping for something that isn't likely to happen. It was a choice I had to make; not easy, and even to this day, I still wonder if he'll ever wake up from the fog and want to return, and what my reaction would be.<P>But I'm not counting on it.<P>My prayers are with you. Please keep coming to this site for support....it's the best. Also a daily devotional I use everyday is:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm</A> <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS My H will probably never file for a divorce, so I too am looking at doing that myself, probably in Sept. What a bummer!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 28, 2001).]

Thank you so much to everyone for their words of support. They meant alot to me. <BR>I think I did something stupid this evening. My STBXH just got back from the beach with the woman he met on the internet personals. First, I contacted him (about the kid's medical bills) and then when I started talking, I gave him entirely way too much information. Before you know it, I am warning him that I know about the lies he has told me and the assets he is trying to hide- so HE won't get in trouble during the deposition! What a Sap I am!! Why am I still trying to take care of him? It was definately in my best interests to let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Am I still trying to get him to appreciate me? He hasen't shown the least interest in how the kids and I are doing. He is very good at "out of sight, out of mind". How come I can't seem to move on. Is it because the kids and I were the ones who were rejected? I hate thinking of us as his "practice family" that he has now thrown away. He says he has a second chance to do things right with a different woman and her children. Why weren't we good enough? I feel certain that he will NEVER find someone who will love him as much as I have. So why couldn't he love me back? I hope I am doing the right thing by filing. He has been gone almost 1 1/2 years, having contact with our 2 teenagers maybe 5 times over the last 15 months. But he doesn't understand why we can't stay married until it is more convenient for him to go through the process. But he wants to live as a single man and can't understand why I still feel that is "dating while married" and is wrong. He belittles me for my "standards & morals" like they are stupid. I just would not want to go out with a man who would date a married woman, and I don't understand what he would see in a woman that would not only date a married man, but would even involve her children with him. Am I totally out of touch? I took my marriage vows very seriously and I thought he did too. When did he stop caring about doing the right thing? I hope I feel that I can't start to heal until this is resolved. He wants to be friends, but I just can't handle that (His honey and her X are wonderful friends). I think he feels that if we were friends that he wouldn't feel so guilty. It's petty, but I just can't let him have his cake and eat it too. And I don't understand why it hurts so. We apparently don't have the same values anymore. Would I even want him back if he had a change of heart? But I want my children to have their family back. I say that while I don't think they would even accept him back. I know they have very little respect for him now. They can't understand why I am still upset.<BR>I know I should not have talked to him tonight. I told myself I would not try to look after him anymore- but then I just can't seem to help myself. I know this will come back to hurt me. I wonder how bad I hurt myself in the divorce case- no art of surprise now! He would have been surprised about the women I know about and the assets he hid. Well, maybe this was the kindest thing. I may have just given up alot though. I read about Plan B. I know it is for couples still together but I think the plan to not initiate contact is a good plan for me too. I guess I keep thinking that if he sees me or talks to me, he will start to care again- and then I am disappointed when he doesn't. What do you guys think? ------<BR>SoSad.59<P>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited June 30, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited June 30, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited June 30, 2001).]

Dear Waiting_for_Her,<BR>Thanks so much for your kind words. Reading some other postings, I noticed that you also have teenagers. How are they doing now? I have a 17 yr old son and a 19 yr old daughter. It's so hard to tell how bad this is affecting them. Allen was not a very involved father while he was living with us, but the kids have never known anything else, so they thought their relationship was just fine before he rejected us. You know I guess I can accept that he doesn't love me anymore, but I can't understand why he acts as though he doesn't care a whit for his kids. (he NEVER calls or makes any contact with them at all) The last time either of them even spoke to him was in february. It just amazes me. And he then says that someday they will call him because they will need him! I tried to explain that if you don't participate in their lives now, they won't be interested in what he thinks later. But he doesn't believe me and I think he's telling other people that I am keeping them from him. They are grown and they would call him I'm sure if they thought he was interested in them.<BR>My son is furious. He has definate ideas about right and wrong and thinks his father has become a man without morals. It was so sad to hear him say he couldn't understand why I even care anymore- that he doesn't have a father anymore and said if I changed my name back to my maiden name that he wanted to changed his too. I remember when he was little- he would sit in the back seat of the car and say "I just love my family" My poor boy. And he doesn't seem to care about much anymore. He used to love soccer (he played for the State Olympic Development Team). Now he says he may not play at all his senoir year. He just reads and plays computer games. And his grades are suffering. But Allen says that this shouldn't bother them- they are old enough to not be affected. I think that's BULL!!<BR>And my daughter has gained 40 pds and says she will never get married. She won't talk about this at all. I know she must be bottling stuff up. (At least my son talks to me about this). I know they need counceling but they are resisting and I am sooo tired. Just working is almost more than I can handle. Every night I pray that God looks over us and helps us to know the right things to do.<BR>Are you still hopfull that you and your wife will get back together? I waited 1 1/2 yrs before doing anything about the situation, but I torment myself that maybe I should have waited longer. But I honestly don't think Allen would ever admit he made a mistake. And he does not seem to miss my company at all. And I don't think my family (who live in the same town we do) would ever accept him again. But there is part of me that wants my family back. I admire that you could still be so patient. I feel betrayed and I don't think I could ever trust that he wouldn't do this to me again. But you know I never dreamed I would be divorced. I choke on the term ex-husband. I don't think I will be able to call him that. I guess he'll be my former husband. And part of me wants the fairy tale that the divorce process will make him realize what he is throwing away. Ah Yes - I'm the throwaway wife.. we were his practice family to now discard. Well' its 2:30 in the morning and I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Thanks again for your insights. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited June 30, 2001).]

Sometimes, you just have to be quiet inside. There isn't anything you can do for your H, he is gone to you now. As far as the moral implications of what he has done, they are very real, and very serious. Sounds to me like he never was there in the first place, am I wrong about that? So, maybe the question is: why did you not do this sooner, not later? My XW waited a long time, I think, but it wasn't the same at all with us, she left me for another man. You say you've read, so you know what I mean...my friend.<P>To recap, I have four sons: 17, 15, 13, and 6. They concensus of opinion is that they feel like their feelings don't count where she is concerned. They feel she is being selfish, not trying to work things out, and she failed to wait long enough before making her PA public, they now know it was underway before the D (not my doing.), and they do not want OM at her place when they are there. As they were telling me this, she called, and was asking (reasking, actually) a lot of questions about it, so I told her what they had said. Of course, that met with a lot of 'you make it sound like...' excuses from her, to which I responded, 'I am merely telling you what they are telling me now, that's all.' It was not pretty, but it was her little dose of reality for the week, and I have not heard from her, she's at the bar now, like clockwork. S1 says that she and OM sit around drinking beer all the time. (He really wouldn't know, in the month since the D, he has been there maybe half a dozen times tops. This place is one block away, so its not like he needs a ride, or anything.) So, the issue now is do I change the custody, or child support? I want to leave it 50/50 legally, but they have all would pretty much rather be here most of the time. (6 year old could care less, but prefers it here, he just wants to be fair, I think, and doesn't understand OM...she's smarter than to try with him, anyway.) On Thursday, I overheard the other three talking about maybe 'kicking {OM's} a$$'. It was not serious, more like three brothers trying to cope with a very 'unadult' situation. I had to chuckle, though, S1 was being the leader, planning out who should 'do it'. He elected S2, since he is an excellent wrestler, and has been lifting since fall, so he is pretty ripped now! S3 wanted in, so he was given the task of striking the blow. Of course, then I went in and set them straight....about how I was supposed to come in and set them straight. Then, I went back to my room. I guess I missed that opportunity! <P>Seriously, though, S2 is a top shelf very morally upright young man, and he tells me I was the abused one, she is being selfish, and OM has no perceivable character. XW claims he will 'get used to it', but....no, he won't. He does forgive her, which only took about 6 hours driving and talking about it, and some quick trips to KJV for guidance, but S2 and S3 and I worked out some very tough stuff that day. S1 and S4, I can't budge. I haven't told S4 enough about it, because his interpersonal relationships don't give him any tools to understand it all yet. I have been easing him into it as much as possible, although he tells EVERYBODY that makes the mistake, 'my mom and dad are divorced now, my mom doesn't live here anymore.' He tells MCI, AT&T, all of the creditors, the neighbors, everyone. She told NO ONE. I told her mother, her sisters....they are the ones in denial, and yes, there is a great deal of effort expended in deflecting guilt.<P>Yes, I would dearly love another chance with her, but she has gone well beyond all sense of propriety here, and I'd have to work at getting respect for her again. Trust is not an issue. My XW is (ordinarily) a person of the very highest moral fiber, unfortunately her father decided to take leave of his morality, and marriage some three years ago, and she is merely following suit, I feel. She is still more or less pleasant, just extremely selfish, and is still promoting a general agenda against me in that she goes out of her way sometimes to hurt me. Since I have been in plan B (Yes, it does work after divorce, BTW.), however, she is getting increasingly frustrated in her attempts to manipualte me. She calls more often, and is generally contrite, and meek (This is her little kitten approach, as I call it now.), but she is trying to soften me up, she wants me to act the same way as before the D, and let her, well....do her thing, I guess.<P>Sounds like your son might actually be a little offended at your being hurt by this. Well, look, no one is going to be able to understand it too much, so don't be surprised when he displays more character than his father...be realistic, sounds like he is RIGHTEOUSLY offended. This is not a spot on your character, the nature of your committment allows you to feel the way you do. Please keep in mind that so does your son's committment to your happiness allow him to feel the way he does. Remind him that he is a man, and as a man he is commanded by his Creator to not be an angry man. He can assume the role of protector for you, and help you to help yourself. He is old enough for that now, sounds equal to the task, and you need that now. Your daughter is hurt, too, but she is making the mistake of denying her possible future happiness to avoid heartache. This is a possible outcome, but it is not the only one possible. She needs her faith restored. She is looking to you for that. You need ten times as much integrity as you have had before now.<P>Your H has left you, and that is immeasurably sad, I cannot think of anything he could've done that would've hurt you more. You have deicded that enough is enough, and who could blame you? Before you go getting bitter, and showing that to your children, think about this:<BR>'...Finally, brethern, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report, if there is any excellence or anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you.' Phillipians 4:8-9<P>As far as reconciliation with your H, you aren't divorced yet, and he is still engaged in an affair, so you'd do best not to think about it, unless you can totally forgive him/her for ALL of their transgressions. Then God will forgive you yours. At that point, you must make sure that you do not allow what he is doing to sway you, or your opinions of him. In other words, don't jump on that train until you are ready to ride it all the way into the station, it gets 'worse' before it {gets better}. Also, at that time, most people recommend that you put a deadline on it, although I personally don't think that is necessary, and it gives you an automatic failure out that is not attractive to me now.<P>Take care, and remember that you need not try to fix it all at once, just a little piece at a time. When you push too hard, you will ALWAYS end up backsliding.<P>P.S. Please beg your son to play soccer. I have coached my son's (ALL of them!) in soccer for 7 years, and he obviously loves the game, it would be a shame not to...plus, he might get a scholarship. who knows? He ould be having fun, and organized sports can be a very strong influence on a young man, particularly one in his situation, I know...I've coached kids like that before, and now I am trying to raise some in the same situation. Stay in sports! Show some character, these places can be in serious need of that...I know that, too!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited June 30, 2001).]

SoSad,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>he doesn't have a father anymore and said if I changed my name back to my maiden name that he wanted to changed his too<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My two oldest (now 20 and 18) have used almost those exact same words! The only exception is that the one who mentioned the name change wants to change her name regardless of whether I do. <P>My 18 year old has not spoken to her father since the day he left, over two years ago. My 20 year old wants nothing to do with him, and she has not spoken to him since last summer. The idiotic counselor my H and I saw actually had the audacity to tell him that the 18 year old would get over it - yeah, right - I don't think my H even believed that. <P>He has complained to the younger kids that they don't call or email him, yet he rarely emails them and has called them a handfull of times in over two years. He allows the children to see him 12 hours a month. The two middle kids have lost all respect for him; the two youngest are too little to understand completely. I find it interesting that the youngest, who was only 3 when he left and who I don't think remembers him living here, always includes him in her pictures of the family. She almost never mentions the OW - the one time she has in the last year, she referred to her as the "fat lady who lives at Daddy's house." <P>I do feel that the best part of my life is over. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that I only have to make it through 12 more years, by which time my youngest will capable of living independently. By then I will only be 4 or 5 years younger than my mother was when she died, and hopefully her lack of longevity is inherited. <P>BTW, I don't think that letting him know what you know so that he doesn't get in trouble at the deposition was a mistake. Protecting and taking care of is what you do for someone you love, whether it is in your best interests or not. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited June 30, 2001).]

Dear Nellie1,<BR>Wow, It seems we're living the same life sister. I feel bad for the kid's pain, but I also appreciate that they know his behavior is wrong and is not right with God. I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm not that kind of person. I'm usually one of those take charge and do something type people. Maybe I'm just frustrated because there is nothing I CAN DO. : I also think these guys are making a mistake. These therapists and my H think that once the kids are grown or almost grown that they can handle this- but it screws them up too; just in different ways. My STBXH hasen't acknowleged that he has most likely lost his children. He seems to feel that there should be no cost to his behavior. But then again I am sruggling to accept that I couldn't keep his love. I'm afraid I'm a "till death do you part" one mate for life kind of girl. And at 40, the future seems awfully lonely. I know I should follow my own advice and concentrate on making my life fufilling regardless of anyone else. My daughter reminds me of this advise I've often told her (smart girl!) I think I'm going to see about volunteering at the children's hospital nearby. I need to get outside myself and think about others. But then that is less time with my kids and they need me now. But they need the old me back- I'm so confused!!!! <BR>Does your XH act like he misses the kids? My STBXH must be very good at compartmentalizing. He says he misses them and me but you would never know it from his actions. I think saying it just makes him feel less guilty. <BR>Please try not to think you are just waiting to die. I've been doing the same thing- almost hoping the lump in my arm is cancer. I know I feel that way but it is a selfish feeling on my part. Their father isn't interested in being a father or their lives, so without us they wouldn't have a parent at all. My son has said more than once;"please take care of yourself Mom- I don't know what I would do without you". And I don't think that goes away when they grow up. My father-in-law died suddenly in December and he had been my rock throughout this. I know I would be coping better now if I had his guidance, and the kids miss him too I know. <BR>Take heart. I guess we both need to remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. We've still got children and families that love us, and many people out there would love dearly to say they had as much.<BR>You're in my thoughts Nellie. Please keep me in yours. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59

What a beautiful post. You have given yourself the best advice so far, and me, too.<P>I will reiterate that your STBXH is a fool. You have a wonderful combination of strength and weakness. The real trick is in knowing when to be strong, when to be weak. (Well, let's not use the word weak, it isn't appicable here, at all!) Compromising....I guess. There's no need for that now, excpet when your pride, or anger is in the way.<P>Have a good day/life!

Dear Waiting_For_Her,<BR>Thanks for the uplifting post. I needed it today. I don't have contact often with my STBXH, but when I do, I am filled with such saddness that he did not even have enough respect for our history together to even try to see if we could work things out. And it doesn't help that his new honey and her children are boating with him today. That used to be our family thing. The kids and I talked about plans for July 4th though and that helped some. I don't know how you handle living so close to your XW- it would make me CRAZY!! I admire your courage and self-control. Your boys are lucky to have you. I guess that at least you don't have to wonder what she is doing though! I have those types of thoughts alot and I know it is not healthy for me. <BR>You had posted that it was hard to concentrate on work as your marriage ended. That really spoke to me because I have a very stressful and demanding job and I am struggling to focus and keep on top of things. And I know I'm not doing such a good job of it right now. And my industry doesn't cut you much slack. I've got to put more energy into it. It is disconcerting to know my whole financial future is up to me now. Oh well- I guess its an opportunity as well. And it is a good job. God has looked after the kids and me in that regard. Are you still into computer programing? My son thinks he may want to major in computers at the moment. The way the industry is growing, it sounds like a promising field.<BR>Thanks again for the encouragement! <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59