Well, I have been divorced over a year now and have been in two relationships that have not worked out. I know they were probably doomed from the start just from the timing perspective and all, but I'm starting to really wonder if I even want to be in a new relationship ever again.<P>I have two great kids, an amicable relationship with my x, a good home, a good job, good friends and family nearby. I'm just not sure anymore if another relationship down the road is even worth all the work that is required. Even in the best of relationships, we all know how much work is involved. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. How many others feel this way? I didn't have a nasty divorce like most of the people here, but my marriage failed nonetheless and now I think I have become cold hearted and commitment phobic.<P>Also, I found the beginning chapters of His Needs, Her Needs to be so depressing. To me, it sounded like if you didn't meet your significant others basic needs, it was only a matter of time before they would end up having an affair. How depressing. And, this site does back up this finding. So, now I'm wondering if it is really worth it to try again.<P><p>[This message has been edited by 711 (edited July 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>Well, I have been divorced over a year now and have been in two relationships that have not worked out... I'm just not sure anymore if another relationship down the road is even worth all the work that is required. Even in the best of relationships, we all know how much work is involved. I'm not sure I have it in me anymore. How many others feel this way?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think maybe that is a hurdle that those of us who have chosen to date "too soon" have to face. I have to remember that I'm not interviewing to fill a vacant position ... there is still too much of HIS crap in that office for me to move someone else in there!

Jen,<P>Honestly, only you can decide if a new relationship is worth it or not. IMO they are, but only when you are ready for one. Keep something in mind here….statistics tell us that the majority of relationships which start as an affair will fail within the first year. This stat is usually reserved for the WS, but why would it be any different for a BS getting involved in something new? It isn’t. I don’t have any stats on this one, but I would be willing to bet that BS’s initially have more failed relationships immediately following a divorce than the WS’s do for a variety of reasons. <P>As the BS, we generally felt empty, rejected, undesirable, lonely and needy following the divorce. Because of this, I think we are more likely to get involved with someone new to help rebuild our self esteem and to help combat that loneliness. I think most people generally get involved too soon which doesn’t allow us to truly grieve our loss or rebuild ourselves BY ourselves.<P>I have also gone back through parts of His Needs/Her Needs and have seen them as depressing as well for what I missed in my first marriage, but more importantly, I see them as an outline to build my next relationship. I feel fortunate to have this information now on what it takes to build a strong and healthy relationship in the future. I still don’t know if being armed with this information would have saved me from divorce, but I am confident that it would have made my marriage better and the time we spent together would have been more meaningful.<P>My best advice to you would be to analyze for yourself what it is that you are wanting with a new relationship and keep that idea in mind. If you just want a friend and companion, then keep your relationship light and fun. If you are looking to get remarried, then you have to be willing to make yourself completely vulnerable which unfortunately means that you are open to being hurt. However, until you are ready to allow yourself to get hurt, you won’t truly be able to feel the love either. It’s a risk, but if you are not willing to get yourself hurt, then you are not ready for anything serious.<P>I don’t think you have become cold hearted or a commitment phobic, I think you are human and you are still healing. I have felt this very thing myself and what it comes down to for me is the whole fear factor and unwillingness to be hurt again, at least not yet. I keep thinking that if I can keep my emotions at arm’s length, then I won’t risk getting hurt. Unfortunately, that is not always possible.<P>I would take this time to enjoy yourself, enjoy your kids and enjoy your life. When you are ready to risk heartache again, you will know it and when that day arrives, you will be ready to answer your own question.<P>Don’t rush it.<P>Shawn <BR>

While I'm not divorced yet (been separated for 1-1/2 yrs), I have been thinking about this too.<P>I really like my own company and feel really content with my life right now. I've simplified it and am finding a good balance in all areas.<P>However, I don't want to go thru life alone....I really do want a special someone to share life with. But will I find that? Who knows...some days it seems like no one can really be counted on...<P>Yesterday (July 4th), me and my neighbor (lady) made plans to drive to the beach, swim, relax and stay for the fireworks afterwords. I was really looking forward to it all day...slept in, putzed around the house, read. Well, by early afternoon, she wasn't too sure she wanted to go (she was doing some outside yardwork), but if she did, she'd let me know later in the afternoon. Then by 4:00pm (getting kinda late to go to the beach, 1 hr away), she said she'd go, but that she had a really bad headache, etc. Well, ended up just saying we could bag it since she didn't feel too good and that it would be too late to swim, etc. by the time we got there.<P>Anyway, I was a little upset, although I am trying to be more flexible. I feel like I wasted the whole day, just waiting to go to the beach. And then the thought came "can you really count on anyone these days?"<P>I don't want to have that thought nor do I want to think a new relationship is too much work. But those thoughts come now and then.<P>I'm hoping that by the time I feel ready to date again (a long time from now) that I will just take it easy and keep my hopes up. I do feel alot more clear on what type of person I would like to spend time with; at least the last year and a half has helped me clarify that.<P>If that type of person exists...that's the question.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 05, 2001).]

I have often wondered if human beings are capable of maintaining a monogomous relationship for life considering our fickle nature in every other aspect of our lives. As far as new ones, I suppose they are worth the value that we place on them. I often ask myself if my marriage was "worth all the effort" because in the end, it failed. But if my ex had died two weeks before he moved out, would the relationship be considered successful just because it didn't have a chance to "fail"?? <P>Yes, I am a cynic sometimes, and at others, I am a passionate optimist. I can't make up my mind. I think I want to think they are worth it. A very close friend is in a very happy marriage and gets upset every time I "down" marriage. To her, the above question about man being capable of lifetime committment is moot. She believes we are, but she is young and has not shared our experience. So someone somewhere thinks it is. And she is happy. Are we? Or is she just a fool? I have no answer to that question. <P>I do think Shawn has a good point though. Trying to place too much value on a relationship too soon is dangerous. Either one is not capable of the vulnerability necessary to make a relationship beautiful or he/she is TOO vulnerable and cannot make wise choices. It is a narrow road we walk, that I know for sure.<P>In the end though, I do think they are worth it, though I still get sick thinking of going through another divorce, and I can't say that I am ready to face another marriage for that reason. I often wonder why I was ready for that vulnerability the first time, or what makes me so comfortable being so open now sometimes. Maybe I am an optimist. Or a fool. Or both.

I've found that reading that little book "If The Buddha Dated" has been a really good experience for me. As I said, I'm no where near dating, but it's really opened my eyes to thinking about relationships differently (and I'm a dyed in the wool Christian...so I didn't agree with everything in the book). <P>The thing I feel is....will I ever find anyone who is as sincere and faithful to the relationship as I am? (Not that I'm all that great...) But I feel that I place a very, very high priority in making a relationship work and giving myself to it so fully, maybe I'm the odd duck when it comes to that??<P>I am and alway have been considered very loyal as a friend. While that's usually a good thing, it's a bummer when you can't seem to find very many other people who feel that way....<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited July 05, 2001).]

Jen, <BR>I think only you can decide if another relationship is for you. There is no right or wrong here....<BR>Divorce makes us re-evaluate ourselves, our life, and hopefully if we contemplate and refocus on ourselves, we can overcome the bad feelings we have about ourselves after divorce. I know I felt unlovable, unwanted, old, sad, etc... when going through the affair and divorce. <P>But I worked on myself. I focused on what was important to me. My health, both mentally and physically, my kids, my other family members, my support group of friends all helped me overcome those terrible feelings I had about myself. I did counseling, I renewed my faith which I had set aside during my marriage.<P>I did open myself up to relationships. For me, it was right. I still have to work on certain issues, but don't we all??<P>If we look back to before we married, most of us went through several relationships or dating circumstances before we met someone who we wanted a long term relationship with. Most of us who pursue another relationship will go through this again. It is part of the dance. But we need to know our limitations at this stage of our recovery after divorce to avoid deep pain again.<P>So, if it doesn't feel right for you now, it probably isn't. But, know that you have learned a great deal from these after divorce relationships and that if , in the future, you decide to re-marry, these relationships have helped you.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Thanks everyone.<P>I'm glad to hear that there are still people out there that believe we can be successful again some day and that there are others who are just like me and have many doubts. I do think this is probably a temporary but necessary stage of mind that I am going through right now. I plan to use this current state of mind to my advantage. I never have been on my own and now I finally really want that. I know I have said that before on this site but this time I really mean it. Before I knew it was probably the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it. Now, I know it is the right thing for me and I really want to do it. The last thing I want is a man or a relationship and that is a 180 degree turn from just a year ago. I even turned down a date this week! <P>I have learned quite a bit about myself from these post divorce relationships. I have been able to identify similiarities in the men I have now dated and am now able to identify why I am attracted to them and why I stay in the relationship when I see red flags popping up.<P>I have my arsenal of books to read this weekend. This is the first weekend I have had without the kids and without a bf and I am soooo looking forward to it. I have the Buddha book to read and a new book by Melody Beattie called "Stop Being Mean to Yourself". I tend to blame myself too much for the failure of my relationships and other things as well. This has been used against me by the men of my past. I need to be kinder to myself so I thought this was a good book to read. She wrote the book Codependency No More and several others. I have been told I am co-dependent and I have low self esteem and that is why I stay in relationships that aren't healthly for me. I want to break that pattern so I am going to work on these areas now. <P>And, maybe one day, I will feel like venturing out again. But, I will be looking for a totally different kind of man next time around. It should be interesting.<P>And, finally, my therapist assures me that there are good men out there that aren't out to manipulate and control me. But, he won't tell me where to find them just yet.<P>So, I am going to just enjoy myself for awhile and not worry about all the issues of a relationship for quite some time. There really is no rush!! I have all that I need right now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 711:<BR><B>And, finally, my therapist assures me that there are good men out there that aren't out to manipulate and control me. But, he won't tell me where to find them just yet.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's what my counselore said too! HA!<P>(Darn that client/doctor confidentiality....)<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>

Of course my story is all over these boards, and luckily for ya'll I am not going to repeat it -- however, of course I would say:<P>YES, A NEW RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH IT!<P>I am careful about writing the "detaily" kind of stuff (since I am a newlywed and so many people are hurting) but I could write pages and pages about my marriage - already!<P>One thing I would like to share, which a friend shared with me (and I have found it to be true also):<P>She was driving to work one day, about three months into her second marriage. Her first marriage had been abusive (and he was AWFUL) and her second marriage was to a kindhearted man. She was driving along and burst into tears, thinking "OH! This is what a good relationship feels like!"...<P>I have already had that experience (we lived together for seven months before marriage). As much as I loved my ex-H (and I truly worshiped him at times throughout the years -- not the end though) I had no idea what a truly loving and safe relationship felt like. Now I do.<P>It's worth it!!

I think deep in the recesses of my heart, I do know that another relationship with the RIGHT PERSON will be worth it. I think I have just been involved with all the WRONG MEN for the WRONG REASONS my ENTIRE LIFE!<P>But, with all that said, I do plan on staying away from any man right now as I work on myself for a change!<P>

I didn't date for nearly 5 years after my x left. (It took me a LONG time to heal.) And, while I would not necessarily recommend waiting that long to date, I would recommend waiting a while so that you can get to know yourself, heal, work on yourself, and get into a place where you can be more available and less preoccupied. <P>The first relationship post-divorce was one which I honestly didn't see any permanence. And when he ended it, I was actually fine with it. I had even analyzed it and saw the reasons for its demise probably more clearly than did he. It was right for it to be over. Very right.<P>And I have no clue where my new relationship is going. None. And I don't want to hurry it. I have the rest of my life.

711,<P>My current post-divorce relationship came along when I was up to my gills in gutting a house, remodeling, cutting down trees etc. Busy in my single life, you know?<P>I also had worked on myself prior to this, many soul searching nights alone and REALLY came to like who "Ragamuffin" IS.<P>YES there are good men out there, they find you when you are busy being happy with who you are and THAT is what attracts them.<P>Yep, you have to go through a few frogs till you find your prince!<P>Ragamuffin<P>

Well, hopefully my prince has time on his hands. Because he is going to have to wait for this little princess.<P>I really appreciate all the replys. I was really very down on relationships and my hope is somewhat restored. <P>Not sure I can wait 5 years but it doesn't sound half bad really!