I figure that it has been awhile since I have posted anything from me...<P>My son's birthday is coming up. I should be happy... right? Instead, I feel about the most blue that a person could be about it. I feel so alone in doing all of this. I am the one that did the invitations, I am the one that went to the store and bought all the food, I will be the only one cooking, cleaning, and getting things ready. Between my work, and trying to maintain a small level of sanity... I just don't know anymore. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!!<P>I am trying to get out of the house some. I am actually trying here. Boy it is hard. I have a good friend who is trying to help get me out of my shell more often. But even with that... it just feels... like I don't know why I am even trying to bother with it. He invited my son and me to go camping with him, his family, and some friends (a couple of which I knew.) I spent about the first hour hiding in my tent and being called anti-social by him. All in all, yes it was fun and I enjoyed myself as did my son. But the entire night out there, I felt so out of place. I was the only one that didn't have someone there with them. That night I think was the one thing that made me truly feel so alone. That mixed with a few other stray thoughts... I was packed and ready to sneak out at about 5:30 in the morning with my tail tucked between my legs. The following day was much better. We did things. I didn't feel like a total outsider. I was more within my realm.<P>I get out and play volleyball now. Once a week. That is nice. It is one of the true releases that I enjoy doing. I am still working too much. More now than before. It is supposed to get easier... right?<P>I guess that I don't really know why I am writing this. I guess that I just need to get it all out of my system so that I can focus on the important things in life, like trying to get ready for a bunch of little ones running around my house with water guns... <P>Take care of yourselves. You guys are in my thoughts on a regular basis.<P>~Java

Java:<P>I posted regularly last fall and remembered your name. I have been lurking some lately. I'm sorry things aren't better for you. Where exactly are you in the D process? Where is the OW? <P>I have found personally (especially that first couple of months) that taking care of YOU is the most important thing! Go out and meet new people, have fun, worry about you.... Once I did that I was better able to be a parent to the kids! <P>All of this stuff sucks, ESPECIALLY for the kids. None of it is fair, but as I tell my own kids (and my students when I'm in school), whoever said life was fair LIED!<P>I, for one, used to hate change. But you what, the farther away I get from my STBXWS, the more I like it! Remember, take care of YOU. Thinking of you...

Java,<P>All work and no play will wear you down. I hope that you keep doing the volleyball and other stuff. Get out of that comfort zone, or find a few other things that you can make a part of that comfort zone which are fun for you.<P>I know that you were working A LOT of hours. If you're working even more now, it's too much by far. It will affect you. Is your (x/stbx...I forget which) paying any support? Do you have to work that much, or is it just a way to keep from being alone?<P>I wish I had a quick answer to take away the sadness. Time, perhaps, but that's a hard answer to hear.<P>Take care of yourself,<P>Steve<P>

(((((Java)))))))<P>I feel for you my friend....and you are right, it isn't supposed to be like this! You are an awesome mom and I'm sure that your son is going to love his party. True you are having to do this on your own, but when one parent isn't willing to sacrifce for his own child, what choice do you have. For what it's worth, I think you are doing great!<P>What ever happened to chasing hot air balloons out on the Mesa? Did all the stupid tourist go and get smart by figuring out how to keep their trucks from getting stuck in the sand? Don't they know that is taking away one of your hobbies?<P>Keep smiling there, Java. Things will get better!<BR>We are all here for you. Don't forget that

Thanks guys... reading the things from you all made me cry. But it was a good cry.<P>I don't know... I guess combination of everything that has been going on in my life mixed with lack of sleep and me being a bit over sensitive lately caused yesterday. It had actually been in my system for a while now.<P>I am feeling better this morning. I had a couple of wonderful e-mails from some good friends, a long talk with my dad, and a few other things that made me feel somewhat optimistic. Perhaps I just needed to scream and get it all out into the open.<P>I'm really not sure what else to say right now... Just thanks.<P>~Java

((((((((((Java)))))))))),<P>Hope this finds you feeling better today! <P>"combination of everything that has been going on in my life mixed with lack of sleep and me being a bit over sensitive lately"<P>Take care of "you", ok? You need some rest and that is hard to get when you are the only one making things happen at home. That in itself is overwhelming. <P>Oh yes, some adult conversation would help too! Don't feel out of place (like on your camping trip) use a different mind set. It's like when you want to get pregnant and can't, everywhere you look someone else is! We girls CAN have days like you are having, it's the law! <P>Take care, get some rest and keep us posted!<P>Ragamuffin<p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited July 18, 2001).]

{{{{{{{{{JAVA}}}}}}}}<BR>Hey Girl!<BR>It's good to find you are still around. I'm not here much lately either. <P>It does start to get better... I promise. It will get easier to go out and do things for you, and not feel like you stand out because you are "alone"... I've started getting out a lot more lately, and making some new friends... couples and singles. <P>Keep up the volleyball... I know I'd go nuts if I didn't get to hit the golf course once a week. That's my release... sometimes I picture my X's face on the ball... and I usually smack it too hard LOL.<P>I've been getting into Albuquerque a lot more often... we should get together and go out shopping or for dinner or a margarita or something. Just have some Girl Time! (maybe pedicures and margiritas).<P>Take care of you sweetie... and remember that it does get better!<P>Smooches & Hugs,<BR>Dawnetta<BR>dawnettad@aol.com

Okay, I am doing much better today. <P>Ragamuffin... Adult conversation... what is that? It's been so long!!! Even when my H was around me... I don't know if I would consider a conversation with him (when there were ones) adult!! But thanks!<P>I am taking care of me... or at least I am trying to. <P>Butterfly... Getting together or something sounds like fun. Yes, I do truly enjoy my Wednesday night volleyball games. Last night was a good night there. We actually won one of our matches!!! I guess you could say that we are probably not the best team out there... far from it in fact. But we have fun!<P>Apart from that, just trying to get the last minute touches done for my boy's party this weekend. He is truly excited about it. One more trip out to the stores tomorrow and I should hopefully have everything that I forgot during my first two trips out. I have a list written down this time... now if I could only remember to take it with me. I should have quite a group of kids and adults there. It should be fun. I am almost looking forward to it right now.<P>I also was invited out again the last weekend in July to go camping with my friend and his family again. This time he promised me a different expierence, one that I would enjoy more. And the people that were making me so uncomfortable will not be there. I am considering it. Still a bit uneasy, but thinking that it might be a good thing for me to do.<P>Thanks guys for all of your warm thoughts and hugs. They have meant quite a lot to me the past couple of days. And they have also helped to remind me once again that I am not alone. I think that I forgot that for awhile. Take care of yourselves.<P>~Java