Well, as if my life isn't already complicated beyond belief by loss and pain, I am now dealing with the depressing withdrawl period of ending an emotional affair. (Ended a couple of days ago, lasted a couple of months.) I am currently divorcing after almost 20 years of faithful marriage to my h. Ironically, now that the divorce papers have been filed and things have settled down, my h and I are getting along better. We both mutually agree to end our marriage, however. <P>I have so much support in my life, (solid friendships, weekly individual and group therapy with women who are also divorcing, and a career I love with coworkers who are fun and good to work with,) yet, this support does not seem to be enough to weather this storm. I take excellent care of myself in everyway possible. But the pain remains and is so intense.<P>Having this emotional affair (he is currently reconciling with his wife,) has made my life miserable beyond belief! The biggest problem I see is having this loss on top of losing my marriage, the house we have lived in for 18 years (My husband is buying out my share of the equity in this home and is seeking a loan this week,) the loss of hopes and dreams and the belief that I would be married always.<P>I have made a commitment to myself to not get involved with a man emotionally for at least a year from now, and instead, focus on healing. This is in my best interest and the only way I can regain my emotional strength and be healthy enough to choose a healthy future relationship.<P>The pain is so intense and the losses, so deep. This emotional affair filled my need for intimacy, affection, and support, (something seriously lacking in my marriage for years.) <P>I wonder if any of you have been through this. If so, what has helped. I could use all the support I can get to move through this difficult period in my life. <P>Thanks for listening.<P>hopefulheart

<BR>I've been there.<P>It hurts. I cried more breaking off my EA than I cried about getting divorced ... I had years to love my STBXH less and less due to the abuse ... but I had just hours to make myself go through with cutting the ties to the man who had shown me that I had the strength to leave the marriage - not for him, but for me.<P>You see, I ended the EA to work on reconciling with my then 'adoring' husband and he KNEW it was wrong, hated to see me so weak again, knew I'd be hurt beyond belief when the abuse came back (of course it did), and I had to try and convince him that I was doing the right thing ... knowing I wasn't ...<P>BUT, I had to do the final 'leaving' on my own ... and breaking it off let me do that. Now I chat occasionally with my friend, who also needed the time away from me to work on his marriage. Of course we don't EVER talk like we used to, we are both vigilant about not letting it go there again, because we've both moved on with our lives, but he is a friend who knows more about what I lived with and left behind than anyone, and he's a little like a big brother with his concern about my present and future relationships. <P>If it happened anything like mine, this person gave you the biggest RUSH - made you feel so many things that you hadn't felt in years - and it's 1134 leaving that behind. But the next few steps for you will be done by you alone - you need to stand on your own during these hard times. You'll feel SO much stronger knowing you did it yourself. When you look back on this, anyway. It will be hard. It will STILL hurt. But you can do it.<P>Hope this helps. I can't make it look like hearts and flowers, because it isn't. I'm doing well now, but it took a while.<BR>

Thank you, T-L-C,<P>I can tell from your response that you have been there before and understand. I really appreciate your taking the time to share this with me. <P>I know in my head I must do this alone, but my heart is lagging seriously behind. Actually, before the Emotional affair, I had just begun to feel a lot stronger and was climbing my way up to emotional recovery from my marriage. My husband has also been abusive. I have no regrets about ending my marriage in this regard. <P>This affair set me so far back, emotionally. I am reading and working through the book, "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends," by Bruce Fisher. He talks about how common "growing" relationships are as one ends a long-term relationship. Common, but as he notes, sometimes more painful than the one you are ending with a marriage partner. Amen!!!! You and I confirmed this one.<P>I completely broke off this emotional affair because it would provide this man with the opportunity to reconcile with his wife without getting any of his needs met by me. It also removed the hope that our plans for a future together would happen. I can't risk getting hurt again at this point in my life. It's like a knife to my already wounded heart. We did consider a friendship. Didn't think that could work. I am too needy and wounded. This from a woman who has been able to hold her own for so long and capable in so many ways.<P>I will focus on strengthening my friendships with women. Safe to heal. I don't trust myself with men at this point. I really don't. All I need is to hook up with a man right now who wants to rescue me from my troubles. (That would likely happen, given my emotional state) Then I'm really in trouble! Same story, different man.<P>Anyway, thanks so much for your understanding and thoughts on this. I really need that kind of support. And helpful from someone who is steps (leaps) ahead of me.<P>hopefulheart

I would love to have an easy answer to this also. I haven't seen or heard from my A since the day my husband filed divorce about 8 months ago. I know in my head that it wasn't meant to be, but it has not gotten easier. I don't know if you watcch Oprah and have seen Dr. Phil, but he doesn't agree with the phrase that time heals all wounds. I'm starting to think that he is right. Nothing makes it better - not my husband wanting to be with me, not anything. I would pay anything to be able to do things over again and not get so involved. Good Luck.<P>Peggy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopefulheart:<BR><B>Anyway, thanks so much for your understanding and thoughts on this. I really need that kind of support. And helpful from someone who is steps (leaps) ahead of me.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not leaps. Maybe not even baby steps. I didn't spend all that much time alone ... after the EA ended and the reconciliation failed (miserably) over the course of last summer and fall ... I went right into a rebound relationship when I moved out in December ... of course that ended, in May ... now I'm dating a high school sweetheart and I still have 37 days before my divorce is final.<P>I am learning by my own example of what not to do, it seems.<P>I was never as alone as when I was living with my husband last fall -- hurting so bad because of the love I denied and ended (the EA) -- and clinging to hope that if I loved my H enough he would stop abusing me -- but only alone I realized I could live without him.

Well, T-L-C and LivingInLimbo, aren't we a sad trio! But misery loves company, right? And maybe we will learn from each other. <P>I agree 100% that time does not heal all wounds. It takes hard work to heal. That is my plan. I am certain getting involved again with someone would set me back even further and hurt even more. Brief happiness. I don't think I can bare that. I think if I can practice focusing on the present and not dwell on the past too much, I may find moments of peace. I am trying. I may get good at sitting with pain and aloneness. <P>This doesn't mean I don't want a committed relationship in my future. I really do. Making that promise to myself to not get into a new relationship for a year was very difficult. My divorce will be final December 28th. Another 6 months after that of healing should be good. I just think the person I will attract right now will not be the one I will want later when I am feeling stronger.<P>Was my EA a mistake? No. I learned so much. He filled so many emotional needs that hadn't been met in years. Spiritually, our connection was so strong. We both agreed that we love each other still. We did wonderful, albeit, very painful closure with each other. Was it worth the pain of ending? Still wondering about that one. <P>T-L-C, I can't imagine myself in your position. I'm too afraid to get involved with anyone. I don't know how you do it! But, I want you to know, I hold no judgements about your choices. I really appreciate your support so much.<P>hopefulheart<P>

Hey you guys....along these same lines, how honest do you think it's good to be about the feelings for the EA. I know you guys are either close to being divorced, or already divorced. I have a divorce pending against me, but all of a sudden my husband wants to try and make things work. He continually asks me if I still love this guy or what he did for me that he can't. I've told him that I'm completely over it, but in the middle of the night - I know I am about as much over it as I was 8 months ago. <P>Also....are you ever tempted to contact the EA and just see how things are? Isn't that the hardest thing to smack your own hand when you want to pick up the phone?<P>Peggy

Dear LivingInLimbo,<P>Would there be any real benefit to you in trying to deny your feelings about this man who you still(love?) I can tell you that I still love the man I had this EA with very much. Deeply so. Once the passion died down, I thought somehow, that I would come to my senses and I'd be fine. After all, passion is not rational at all. I was wrong. It's still difficult and I still think about him sometimes. More than I would like to. But, in order to give him the chance to reconcile with his wife as he desires, I must let him go. I want a man who is committed to me only - not someone spreading himself thin. I remind myself daily that someday there will be someone in my life who can provide me with what I desire. He is not the only man in the world. That's sometimes easier to say than believe but I'm making the effort. You know the saying, Fake it till you make it. <P>Unlike you, there is no chance for reconcilation with my husband. He is not coming to me and asking for that, nor am I with him. We are working on our marital settlement every couple of days. He is unable to do the deep work required for us to make it work. He told me he is not strong enough and I believe that. But much to my surprise, we are actually forming a friendship which really surprises me a great deal. Healing is occurring and we are letting go. <P>Sounds like you have some real soul-searching to do regarding your husband's wanting to reconcile, and your emotional attachment to this other man is part of the picture. I don't know enough about your situation to comment here. Are you even considering a recomittment to your husband?<P>Hopefulheart

I just want to do the right thing. I have stayed away from this other guy for 8 months - but it has taken every bit of strength in me to do that. I have three little kids,and one is handicapped - and I know that they need their parents, both of them. My big question these days is if I want to hang in there, or let my husband go out and find someone who will better love him the way he wants to be loved. Him and I have been together since I was l5 and he was 14. He is devastated over this....he will do anything to make things work, but do I ask him straight out if he's willing to take me back even though I may not be able to give him the level of love he deserves? He isn't the one that screwed up - I am, and I'm just wondering if he deserves better - - especially since I can't get this other guy out of my mind.<P>Peggy<P>

LivingInLimbo,<P>Now I see why you have the name LivingInLimbo. You really are living that way. Your life sounds rather stuck. Which way to turn? <P>What if I were to say I thought maybe you are holding on to your EA so you don't have to deal with your husband and make a decision there? Is that possible? Or could you really go back to this man you are holding on to? Is it just a fantasy or a real possibility and you are staying away as the "right thing to do"? It seems as long as you focus on him, you can not go forward with your life and either make a full commitment to your husband or end that relationship emotionally. <P>How painful this must be for you. Being like this for 8 months is a long time. It will probably take some time to work through this all.<P>I don't know if what I have said is helpful or not, but it is my honest response to what you shared. Do you have a good support system? I hope so.<P>hopefulheart<P>

<B>After</B> you have <B>forgiven and forgotten</B>, then the healing will occur. The trouble is (I like Dr. Phil, not too wild about Oprah these days.) that we <B>do not forget</B> because we want to avoid it in the future. This does not work...either for us, or others. You cannot modify a negative concept/behavior by using a negative affirmation (admonition)...it does not work that way. You have to replace it with a better concept/behavior.<BR>IMHO -Mike

Dear Waiting_For_Her,<P>It took me a while to digest your comments and decide on a response. Your words appear so simple - forgive and forget. You describe the end point. The place that says, "I feel over this, HEALED, I've moved on." There is a process before that occurs which must be dealt with. <P>I think I am still unclear on some of what you are suggesting and would be interested in your comments. Especially in regard to what you said here: "We do not forget because we want to avoid it in the future. This does not work.....either for us, or others."<P>Interestingly enough, my comments to LivingInLimbo were actually very good for me too. I spent some time last night wondering how my emotional attachment to this other man is keeping me from rejoining my life, facing my divorce, and doing what I must do to rebuild my life. Facing aloneness is the real issue for me. Up until this point in my life, I have valued my alone time so much. Now it can be a real painful place. I have made a conscious decision not to fill that emptiness with another relationship right now. After some time has passed, that will be another story. I see myself in a committed relationship down the road.<P>Last night I decided that when I move out of the home I now share with my husband, I am going to have a party to celebrate my new life with my closest friends. An acknowledgement of a new chapter in my life. I also made a list of all the things I will purchase to make my new place mine. Money is not an issue so I am free to make my life what I want it to be. <P>hopefulheart<BR>