I've posted here before - went back to EN's board because it was comfortable - but I think I need to be over here...<P>~~~~<P>I posted this on EN's board under the heading 'hurting' but I think I need more clearly defined advice. I honestly don't believe his objective is making the marriage work - and at this point - I don't foresee that happening. I feel it's over... So, I'm posting again - here...<P>~~~~~<P>Saturday wasn't enough - he came by again tonight - asked for copies of the checks he wrote to his company - over the past year and a half. I had agreed to find him copies, but they weren't in my folder - so I'll have to search my desk for them - probably in a different folder. THe agreed date was for Thursday, and this is Tuesday.<BR>He didn't call to let me know he was coming over, he just showed up. I was on the phone taking care of a client, when he arrived. My son let him in. When I got off the phone he asked how I was feeling then proceeded to tell me that they weren't operating on his hand until the 8th of August, and his new job starts tomorrow. <P>Lucky me - I'm his new confidante! I thought I was the old one that he threatened before - - - - - <P>Well, he threatened me again - this time, it's with sending him bills for medical treatment on the kids that he didn't authorize --- like I'm supposed to communicate with him before any medical care is done for the kids -<P>"Oh, hello, I left that message for you two weeks ago, our daughter bled to death waiting for you to return my call - will you pay for the funeral?" Sorry - but it's THAT bad.<P>When I did call him about a medical emergency - our 11 year old had a lump in her breast - he finally returned my call seven days later. By then I'd had the breast checked, the lump biopsied, and a minor surgery to remove the lump (prior to biopsy -- at the Drs recommendation). It was non-malignant but necessary removal, because the lump was painful. She survived and after he finally called - actually asked me not to tell him - which I did not. I just told him, D needed medical care and it had been taken care of already. (He didn't ask either.)<P>When he came in the door his demeanor indicated he was looking for a fight - he was silent, told the kids to turn down their TV movie (this isn't HIS house anymore), and defiant, when I asked him what he had come for? I remained calm until he informed me that he guessed he'd better hire an attorney because he hadn't made any of THOSE bills. <P>The man is gutter slime - isn't it illegal for gutter slime to walk around in the presence of REAL people? <P>Sorry for the venting statement - but REALLY... Three days ago he's making passes at me intimately suggesting that we have SEX and now he's threatening to hire a lawyer to keep from paying medical bills for his family - that were made before we were even seperated. The man is gutter slime. It's got to be that simple.<P>I could use some support - advice if you have any... flames - that would actually feel nice right now - I could flame right back... I need to yell at someone!<P>Thanks for reading all of this.<P><BR>

Hi seekingjoy,<P>From what you have described it seems your h is intruding on your boundaries in a serious way. Coming over and simply taking over. Intrusive and controlling. I think it's time for you to define what you want for you and your children. Living without fear is a start. What do you think about a restraining order? I would consider it.<P>It's rather symbolic that you came to this board. Are you moving in the divorce direction?<P>hopefulheart

hopefulheart-<P>I had actually filed for a divorce - because when he left, he left me paying ALL the bills for BOTH of us - took his paychecks, all savings accounts, and all joint personal income. He's paid NO support other than once offering to pay the vehicle insurance - I've paid three months of insurance - without his help. He's EVEN saying he won't pay ANY of the kids medical bills - from BEFORE he left. <P>I know what he's saying is bogus - but the faster I can get the divorce - the faster I can stop paying all of his bills and regain my personal income from our joint business interests. <P>I tried to get a restraining order - the court says they won't give me THAT since he isn't 'Physically Abusive'. I know other people get this frequently - with less reason... But the court seems to be a bit prejudiced - which is fine - I filed the divorce outside this court area... They can't over rule it - he chose NOT to respond to the filing - assuming that if he was 'nice to me for a few days' I would stop the divorce - I didn't.<P>We have four wonderful kids - and he's not even paying ANY child support at this time - and has said he would 'dissappear off the face of the earth if I filed for any'. I'm not worried - THAT would be a benefit!!! <P>Thanks

Hi seekingjoy,<P>I am sorry to hear about your situation. I wonder how I would hold up under those circumstances. Especially with 4 children!!!<P>I'm glad you are acting on your behalf. Your H sounds so thoughtless (wanting to just disappear rather than care for his children finacially)<P>I want you to know that I will be here to support you in any way I can. My heart goes out to you.<P>hopefulheart

another thought..... can you get temporary orders from the court to help you financially while the divorce is pending? I know here in California, that is the case. <P>True, your h may run, but, hey, that could be a benefit to you, right?<P>hopefulheart

seekingjoy,<P>First, if I were you (AND I AM!) I would do what your name says--seek joy. I know right now you would rather wallow in it, and I firmly believe that wallowing has its time and place, so go ahead...for a while. Then, start to seek joy again. I personally went to a concert in the park with my kids tonight,and the artist was a local "easy-blues" singer. She was awesome. People got up and danced, and within about an hour, it was like a huge party. Then we went out for ice cream. Okay--it's not a Queen Reunion Tour (THAT would be a miracle!!), but it was joyful!<P>The second thing I would say is, let's have a little fun. Let's flame away so you can get it all off your chest and yell. Yell all you want--trust me, I'm good at taking it (oooo--bad one). So here goes: the seekingjoy roast!<P>"SEEKINGJOY!!!! How could you be so self-centered? Do you expect him to take care of himself and think of you and the kids too? MY GOD! His stuff is IMPORTANT and your stuff is just providing silly stuff like food and shelter. WHAT are you thinking? Do you think he can just wait around for those check copies? After all, he works there too and has every right to them. You are holding him up from ripping you off. GET BUSY!!! Don't just sit here typing on this forum--get those copies. And just what the hell do you mean expecting him to care about and share expenses for the medical costs of the kids??? Come on, lady, give him a break. Those are YOUR kids now, you divorced him, remember? You pay the damn bills. Don't make him hire an attorney--because he MEANS it. BTW, why won't you have sex with him? He's only human and I hear that blue balls is an actual medical condition."<P>Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't stand it anymore. I'm ROFLMAO. This is so ridiculous that it's fun. Why don't you try it? Flame me back if you want--really it's all tongue in cheek good humor, and it will remind you how juvenile and comical it really all is. <P>Now for one serious sentence. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish he would be a MAN and provide for his family, care about his children, and love his wife. It's not a huge consolation, but you're not alone. <P>{{{{{Seekingjoy}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks hopefulheart - <P>I can get temporary orders - but they don't actually mean anything here - not really enforcable, from what I understand. Kind of like personal property - he can take it all and sell it - and I can't really stop him - but I can do the same thing. The crux of the matter - lol<P>We are surviving financially - I had expected him to do something similar to this - so I had some money put back - and I have a fairly good income, lots of friends and family near, and lots of talent - so I can bring in extra income fairly easy. Besides - my 16 year old is working for the summer, too - so we will make it.<P>THanks for the encouragement and support!!! I needed to see that tonight.

CJ - I can always count on your sense of humor - you are too much - <P>FLAME - on the way -

CJ - the reality here is YOU left HIM - why should he want to provide YOU with furniture - you didn't take it when you left!!!! Really!!! It's asking an awful lot of him to expect mature behavior from an emotional cripple - he can't even connect emotionally - and you want him to consider your FEELINGS? Oh, come on, girl - where's your UNDERSTANDING? Can't you see - he just has too much to think about without all of that other stuff to bogg him under. Roses??? A dozen a day for the rest of your life??? AT 69.00 a dozen - you'll be lucky if you GET one rose during the rest of your life!!! HE's working HARD to make enough money to keep him comfortable - roses are YOUR responsibility.<P>You're right - this is sinfully fun!!!<P>Actually - I managed to find quite a lot of JOY in this week - even WITH a toothache... Mustered up a new part time job - where I can take at least two of the kids with me, and the other two may get to work part time too (if they are available). <P>My whining sessions are usually pretty short lived - I REFUSE to stay in the muck and mire - I much prefer the sunshine and green grass!!! Besides laughing doesn't hurt the tooth nearly as much as crying - I ended up with Strep and they still can't pull the darned thing - but the pain pills have improved dramatically!!! <P>AND - my attorney's father - a very sweet man sent me a dozen YELLOW (my absolute favorite) roses yesterday!!!! cuz I'm feeling poorly He's absolutely ADORABLE!!! AND very married!!! and twenty years older than my FATHER.

Dear seekingjoy,<P>I am SO IMPRESSED with your ability to act on your own behalf. (putting money away, connecting with your support system, seeking legal action) You are a survivor!!! You will make it I am certain. Your actions speak to that.<P>Wash that man right outta your hair!!! <P>hopefulheart

I'm scrubbing scrupulously <P>THAT was a short night! Not sure why - but sleep isn't forthcoming these nights. Maybe it's the weather - rain every night and sun in my window every morning. Never did sleep through the thunder!<P>But I do like the rain - saves my water bill and keeps my yard looking lush and green! <P>

OK then, Seekingjoy,<P>Stand out in the rain!! It will wash him out quicker and you won't have to spend a dime on your water on his behalf!! <P>Keep me updated on the rinse cycle.<P>hopefulheart