I'm really not sure why I'm even writing this because I really don't have anyone to send it to. I guess maybe I'll feel better if I write it down instead of it just fluttering around in my head. I am probably more unhappy than I have ever been. My children are away visiting family and friends and I miss them terribly. I just plain don't know what to do with myself and my husband is not the cheeriest person to be around most of the time. I just wait for him to bring up something financial so we can fight mostly. I'm kinda dredding tonight. We are suppose to go out to dinner and maybe a movie. Just us. I'm scared to death. I don't know what we'll even talk about. We really don't seem to have much in common anymore, maybe we never really did. So much has happend the last few years and I know that when it comes right dowm to it. We don't trust each other, and in his case, he has very good reasons not to trust me when it comes to money. I too have reasons not to trust him. He cheated on me a few years ago and still to this day does not have a guts to admit it. We've talked many many times about me keeping things from him regarding finances, but I can't help it. He's so critical of me and when I make mistakes sometimes it feels like he enjoys rubbing my face in it too much so I panic and I hide stuff. Lots of stuff sometimes. I know it's wrong and I even know that he's going to find out sooner or later, but I do it anyway. I wish I could be honest with him about everything in my heart and in my head, but I can't. I'm just not comfortable with that. I feel so distant from him. It scares me too because I not longer, and haven't for a long long time, desired being with him. Instead of getting excited about being alone with him for the past several days, I have been sick to my stomach most of the time and just a reck. Sometimes when he tries to touch me and get close to me it makes me really angry. I don't want him near me and I know that as his wife I should not feel that way. I just don't desire him anymore and haven't for a long time. We have done the marriage counseling thing before, but some how I don't think it would help this time. I filed for divorce a few years ago but did not pursue it. We did the counseling thing and stayed together, but I'm not convinced that we should have stayed together. I know that divorce would hurt my children badly because they love their father very much and he loves them, but sometimes I find myself thinking how nice it would be to actually go home for work and be able to truly relax with my kids and enjoy the evening instead of being on pins and needles til I go to bed. I don't know.......any input would be appreciated.......miserableinpa

Hi miserableinpa,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders <P>Glad you shared your story here. I suppose what stood out most for me was your willingness to own your share of responsibility for the problems in your marriage. You see how your actions contribute to the state of things. Those are things you can begin to work on, it you are willing.<P>The fact that you posted here sounds like maybe divorce is a consideration. You are at a turning point. Attempt to make changes that will rebuild your marriage or move on in your life knowing that it will have an impact on your children. You are the only one who can make such a decision. From the sounds of it, should you decide your marriage is worth saving, you have a lot of personal work to do around honesty. Relationships do not thrive well in dishonesty. It also helps if both are willing to do what it takes to make changes.<P>I get the impression that your husband is angry over some of your actions but is reaching out to you. Is that right? And you are withdrawing from him. <P>What do you suppose could make things better for both of you? What are your needs in the marriage? What do you think his needs are? Can you both met those needs or begin to?<P>Should you feel this is a marriage worth saving and you have a Husband ready to rebuild, how about printing out the Love buster and emotional needs forms on this website. Then work on them together.<P>Keep writing. Sometimes that can provide you with some clarity. We can also support you.<P>All the best,<BR>hopefulheart

Hey Mis. <P>Your statement:<BR>I wish I could be honest with him about everything in my heart and in my head, but I can't. <P>Is the catch 22 in the issue. Substitute I WILL for "I wish I could be", and substitute I KNOW I CAN, for "but I can't."<P>And you'll have it. The first thing is to BE honest with yourself. Then you can BE honest with anybody. Including your H. Have courage. <P>I would suggest that during the date just be yourself. If he gets into some tierade be the duck and let it run off you like water down a ducks back. Be patient.<P>Enjoy yourself regardless of his actions. If they are good, good. If they (his actions) are bad then good. The tendency is to make a bad thing happen because you expect it to happen. kind of like it was destine to happen, so it will. Don't go looking for it. Have Fun.<P>Be You.<P>Tex.<P><BR>

Mis,<BR>Great advice from AGoodManInTexas. I was at that point once with my XH, didn't want to be with him cause I felt I was always walking on eggshells. I wish I would have found or knew about this site years ago. Go have fun - enjoy your time, for goodness sake, you have no kids to worry about. Do something wild & crazy, if you drink, go to a nice restaurant and have a couple of drinks before the movies. Most of all, try to be positive and remember why you fell in love with him.<P>Hey Tex, this is from a good woman in Texas, still looking for that good man in Texas!!!!!!

Thanks guys for your input. Sorry I didn't respond, but I write to you from work. Anyway, my husband and I actually had a pretty nice weekend without the kids. I was able to relax a little, but I think it was because we weren't at home. You guys were right about one thing though, it does seem that I sometimes anticipate a "bad" evening without a reason. I don't know. Maybe I just want to be prepared. I also know from our marriage counseling before that I do have a strong need to feel in control of everything. Let me tell you, if something is happening, like an arguement about something, and I can't be in control of it, it drives me nuts!!! It's my strong desire I guess for control of the house that drives my husband crazy and he feels that he's left in the dark about whats going on in his own house sometimes. Make any sense? As far as being honest with him, that's a really tough one. I have a really hard time telling him anything about how I feel because he has a way of making things seem that they are my fault or that I caused the problem somehow. So, I don't bother most of the time. It's sometimes just a little easier to keep it to my self. One thing you guys need to know is that this "stuff" has been going on for years. We've been married for just about 12 years and probably having problems with this "stuff" for about the last 8 or so. I know that marriage is not suppose to be easy, but sometimes I gotta tell you, I'm wondering if it's worth all the hasel.