I really like the idea of giving a closure letter to my husband. I will give it to him when I move out of our, (now his,) home. I only hope it doesn't push him into too much grief. I would appreciate comments and feedback. Thanks.<P><BR>Dear Tom,<P>You have been my husband, lover, and the father of our children for 20 years. I can honestly say, you have been a good financial provider and a great lover. You have fulfilled my needs in this way so very much. I will miss, and do miss, these things about our relationship. <P>Although this is painful for me to write and reflect on, it seems appropriate given the years we have shared together. I want to somehow provide closure on our marriage. Thanking you for the gifts you have provided me is one way I can do this. <P>In my search to understand and heal from the breakdown of our marriage, I believe some of what happened is grounded in the following:<P>I think back on our beginning. I, 19 and you 29. You divorced and lonely, me, young, naive, with no real identity to call my own. Remember how you use to tell me I needed to become more aware? I was so emotionally stunted from the abuse I suffered in my family. Disconnected and unsure. I remember loving you because you loved me with all my flaws and neediness. You needed someone to rescue and there I was. We were perfect for each other then. Our unconscious marriage agreement was that I would stay dependent and you would take care of me. I guess I stopped needing that from you. I see that I broke the agreement. I have changed in ways that still amaze me, and maybe you too. I have grown up. You have lost the woman you married. I know this has caused you so much pain and you have grieved this loss. <P>I know as the years went by in our marriage, I struggled to heal the wounds of my childhood and you suffered those difficult years with me. My suffering propelled me to grow and change. Could our marriage possibly stand those changes? <P>As I got stronger I wanted a college education and we agreed that college was a good thing for me and for us. You supported and encouraged me through it all. I thank you for this, Tom. You were there for me in every possible way. I can't thank you enough for that.<P>I see now, however, that going to graduate school was the beginning of the end for us. I had heard all the rumors about how often people divorce during or after completing such a program. I guess I thought we would be different.<P>It must have pained you so to watch me grow further and further away from you. I am sorry for that. I really am. You said you wanted the woman you married back. I just couldn't go back. My identity is formed and we are now so very different, wouldn't you agree? <P>Now here we are, attempting to be friends and doing a very good job of it. That is how I would want it to be. I still care about you and want the best for you. I am so amazed and thankful that we have put the pain of the last two years behind us and no longer hurt each other. How many couples who divorce can say that? <P>I guess I want you to know that I am so sorry for the ways I have hurt you. I never meant to do that. I hope that you can forgive me for those hurts. <P>I never would have predicted things would turn out this way for us. I always thought we would be married for life. The loss of this dream has caused me so much grief.<P>And where do we go from here as we step into our separate lives? The land of uncertainty. I can say I am wishing you a future of happiness and love. Lets continue to be friends OK? I believe that is possible. I am so thankful our hurting each other is behind us.<P>Love, <BR>Roberta<BR>

Nice letter!<P>Um... My W was 19 too - and I too am much older. I'm I doomed? I want her to go to grad school - but she hasn't finished college yet.<P>-AD

AdandonedDad,<P>I completed a Clinical Psychology program. I know the relationship survival rate for this focus is not good. With other programs, I don't know. <P>You can imagine the personal growth that occurs as one looks deeply into emotional and spiritual issues. You are forced to look at your belief system fully. You are propelled to confront and heal your wounds. When I healed mine, my H lost his "job." To rescue me. Also, having "lived in" the depths of emotion and intimacy, I could now longer tolerate the shallow intimacy my H offered due to his addictions. Notice in the letter I did not refer to that. I wanted the letter to be healing not harmful. What good would that do either of us?<P>Then there is the amount of energy and time diverted away from the marriage. Emotional needs of the S are put aside in order to finish the degree. The one in school gets their needs met in a variety of ways from classmates and instructors. That's a biggie. <P>Some things to think about, AD.<P>hopefulheart