My STBXH keeps saying that he wants us to be friends. (He is the one that left the marriage.) One day I realized that I did not know what he really meant by this because he definately DOES NOT act like my friend. He told me that being his friend meant that I would care about him, but that I would not have any expectations concerning him - that I should not expect anything back from him.<P>This seems like a very one sided view of friendship. But it does correspond with his behavior. If your spouses have expressed this "Lets be friends" sentiment, what did they mean by it?<P>I thought it meant acting like you do with other friends. Am I off base here? <BR>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

Hi Lisa,<P>My W tells me the same thing! Exactly. I was thinking the same thing you think, that you treat them like your other friends and you are treated the same way. She DOES NOT treat me like that, so I don't know what she's talking about, but you are not alone in this.<P>PS - if you figure it out, please let me know!

My X said the same thing when she wanted a divorce. <BR>So I looked up friend.<P>Posted this earlier but here goes again.<P>Friend: Websters Dict.<BR>A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. <BR>A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. <BR>One who supports, and sympathizes. <P>Does this sound like an X to you? <P>So I ran it thru my STBX or X speak translator and what it means is. <P>I want to make this as easy on me as I can and if I tell you I want to be friends then that will help me not feel so guilty in what I am doing because then I can put you on the defensive, and tell everyone I tried to remain friends but you would not let me so it is all your fault. <BR>

I think Tater Tot is on the money w the WS Translator (patent pending, I hope). As far as I can tell, this phrase is common w affairs. My wife said she wanted to be good friends, wanted me to be a big part of her life, go on family vacations, church( nauseating, or what) , but she continues to lie, lie, lie and continues w OM.<P> Steve Harley says welcome the oppurtunity to deposit in the love bank. I think that's fine, but the presence of someone you care deeply about who is acting this way is toxic. This "frienship" is false and contributes to the destruction of self worth. Apparently, a good plan a calls for the absence of expectations, but expectations are a key part of any relationship. There need to be limits. The trick may be not to love bust while defining those limits or when sticking to them.<P> Just my thoughts...<P> Dan<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited August 03, 2001).]

Tatr_Tot,<P>You are so right!!! It is exactly how I feel. I am just like Family Man: my wife wants to be friends, but she is not honest with me sometimes and still continues to be with OM. What kind of friendship is this? Should we contact Wbster and have them update their definition? <P>Tacsi<P>

Yes, I think Tater_tot nailed it, and did so very succinctly. Neat gadget, that (although I doubt the patent will be granted - too much prior art, you know).<P>I think Family Man is right about the need for limits, or boundaries, in any implementation of Plan A, if it is not going to be destructive to one's self-worth. For me, a large part of defining those limits is about being honest. Specifically, I try to make it very clear what I think and feel about my wife's choices, and about the reasons for my <I>own</I> choices.<BR>

They don't mean they want to be friends that's certain. My stbx fed me the "I want to know you for the rest of my life" line and well, we haven't spoken in three months except through a third party. It was just his own short sighted way of consoling me and trying to make me feel as if he wasn't divorcing me because he disliked me. Yeah, whatever. Don't buy it.

I believe that WS's have a warped sense of what friendship is. The OP is "just a friend". Then they tell you they want to be your friend. Do they really think that if one of their friends lied to them, cheated them,deceived and betrayed them and destroyed their family; that these are the qualities of a good friend? Give me a friggin' break. If my so called friend treated me this way it would be a short lived friendship.

Thank you everyone,<P>I did not think I was going bonkers, but after some of my conversations with my STBXH, I sometimes wonder. <P><BR>I agree that I think this friendship thing sounds good to our spouses, but they don't really mean it. It is just a way to relieve their feelings of guilt.<P>But I may have kind of turned it on its ear for my H. He says he wants to be friends - so by gosh, I am treating him like a friend. Not a GOOD FRIEND, but a slight friend nevertheless. And sense he did not really mean this, he does not know WHAT to do! I love it!! <BR>And acting pleasant really does make me feel better about myself. I feel like I have some control back over my life.<P>But I do agree that I would not want to be friends with someone that would lie, hide things from me, reject our children Yada,Yada,Yada... But it is remarkable- for the longest time I tormented myself with the feelings that I could not be friends with him under these conditions. Like it was my fault somehow (apparently exactly what he wanted).<P>It wasn't until I asked him what being friends meant to him that I realized he did not really mean it, or that he has a very weird idea of what friendship means.<P>Oh well, I guess of this helps us heal, right?<P>Thanks you guys!!<BR>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

OK, I'm starting to put my foot in the water over here on DD.<P>Tater Tot nailed it, but he/she will probably be sued for stealing that definition from the WS script, Act III, Scene 1. This is the scene when the moose brain worms compete with the alien abductors for control.<P>WAT