I'm asking this question because I feel quite betrayed by my Fiance's recent actions.<BR>Craig went and took out a loan to buy his sister a car, after we had discussed that this is not a feasible financial arrangement.<BR>He did not tell me that he took the loan out, I suspected he was up to something like this. On Thursday morning he went to the credit union to supposedly get a personal loan for our vacation next week. He came home and I asked when will we know if it is approved or not? He said the personal loan is not available at this time because the loan for his sister's car was approved. I said what loan are you talking about? I thought we already agreed on this situation? He replies that the loan is approved and she will be getting the car on Friday and that is final; it is his money and I'm not going to tell him how to spend it and that he can't do for his family. Since then I've sunk into a funk and I feel betrayed and that I'm truly not a significant part of his life. He said I'm being petty and selfish. All I've done is cry for the last two days and I can't seem to pull myself back to normal. Can someone please help? <P>------------------<BR>JDC

JDC, you aren't married yet and you are having a lot of problems that don't seem to be negotitable on his part. If he told you he wasn't going to get the loan and did...yes, he betrayed you. How can you trust him? Getting a loan is a big decision. What if she decides not to make the payment, the loan goes on his credit and you can't buy a house? Is their credit bad and they can't get a loan. If so, he should have heard bells and sirens go off in his head. He has a very selfish mother & sister. They will stop at nothing until you are gone. To tell you the truth I'd be outta there! There are so many issues in a marriage and meddling relatives shouldn't be one of them. Depending on your circumstances of course, I would seek another place to live (or have him move out) and get on with my life. That may be the wake up call for him. If it isn't consider it a blessing you won't have a hateful woman hounding him and getting to you. Take it from a person who knows. When I got married my fil & step-mil started some garbage and I put my foot down and it was nasty for a solid year. What was even worse my H works for his dad's business. Now the smil & I still don't get alone, however, fil & I are fine with each other. She & sil caused trouble and now look like the idiots. <BR>Run, Run, Run!!! Right now your fiance just showed you the priorities in his life!<p>[This message has been edited by ang25 (edited May 23, 1999).]

ANG25,<BR> Thanks for your reply. You hit the issue right on the head. I agree with everything you said, but I don't agree the solution to this problem is to run away. You seemed to have worked through a similar situation in your marriage. What finally made your husband open his eyes to the true colors of the mil and sil? What does he do to deal with them now that he realized their motives? What do you do to cope with their attitudes towards you? This is the only issue we can't seem to negotiate on. I will not runaway and give them what they want that easy. I just want my fiance' to realize that it is time to let the apron strings go and he is not responsible and should not be made responsible for his family. I could care less what they think of me. My fiance' just thinks his mother is this June Cleaver picture of a mom.<BR>He doesn't even think his mom is capable of feelings of envy. We love each other and we have something really good, until they start with their nonsense. <P>------------------<BR>JDC<BR>

JDC,<P>I am so familiar with in-law problems it would put a sour taste in your mouth if I told you what I have been going through for that past 5 years of marriage. But I won't get into it I'll just tell you using what I know from my experience.<P>Under no circumstance should a family member come before you without your "enthusiastic agreement". You need to press this issue further especially since it bothered you so much. If you don't do something about it now, the resentment from this incident will eat you alive and 3 or 4 years into your marriage after the build up of other things that you've allowed to go HIS way will come crashing down on you both. Don't keep your mouth closed now or you'll live to regret it. These things are important to you and so it should be important to him to consider your feelings as I'm sure you would for something he wasn't to keen on, right? Believe me when I say this...in-laws can destroy a marriage if they are not kept in line and kept from meddling. The in-laws can be the best of people but if they control his life and his actions they will soon control yours too....you need to straighten these boundaries out BEFORE you get married. Go to premarital counseling to get another (outside) opinion on this, if he will not listen. If that doesn't work...then you may have to make a difficult decision...should you marry him or not? It may be downplayed by him right now because this is the life he is used to and some men like consistancy....but beleive me you've got to get him to realize that mommy and daddy are not the rulers of his life when he gets married. The engagement is a preparation for that marriage....also a time for you to set those boundaries and pace for your marriage or you'll be dealing with this stuff for years to come.<P>Good luck and I hope this helped....in-laws can be very difficult and once your married and allow these things...it'll be harder to change that pace.

JDC,<P>I'm back because I just found and read your previous posts. I have a better picture now. Craig has been blatantly dishonest especially since you had already agreed that he would not get the loan. That was a month ago.... Don't stand for it, especially regarding finances.<P>I can imagine that his mother got to him. He felt guilty (mothers do that to get their way...especially when they feel threatened). You need to put your foot down ASAP! You need to confront him on this issue regarding doing things behind your back. It sounds to me that you are living together and in a sense you are more married to each other than other engaged couples whom live separately. So point that out to him....why live together as if you are married and then when it comes to issues regarding his family these living circumstances do no constitute being married yet. He needs to grow up emotionally from his mother....thats exactly what I dealt with with my H and mil. I can't believe someone else is going through the same thing...I thought that I was alone on this MIL issue. It can happen (he can grow) but your H is dealing with childhood emotions that his mother will not let him grow free of because she makes him feel guilty everytime he tries to do something for himself (or you). Please tell me if this is right or wrong? It sounds so familiar to me!<BR>If you have trouble getting him to understand, you may need to go to counseling Premaritally to conqueor this issue. My H agreed to this and it is helping but is a very emotional thing to go through. It's called "Separation & Anxiety". Most of us go through this when we are teenagers going off to college. Sometimes earlier. Sometimes later....as in my H's case...He'll be 40 in one week.<P>Good luck! Its well worth it! He'll feel better about it himself once he gains that independence. But remember...it doesn't happen over night...be patient if he agrees to it.

SuziQ,<BR> Thank you for replying to my post and sharing your own experience with me and I can not tell you how much I appreciated that you read my other post to get the full picture. I agree that we need to return to counseling (we were in counseling for a couple of weeks last fall and this was the only issue we were at odds with). Craig always seems like he is protecting them from his big bad fiance'. He claims it was his idea to get his sister the car. If so, Why was your mother questioning you about my carpayments on Monday? She is concerned and wanted to know if she could help in any way. Well I know for a fact that her concern is not for me, because she only became concerned after he told her would not be able to give her money for a bill. I know that this is something that we can get through. We are not going to get married until May of 2001. We are in our late twenties and this is the first relationship for the both of us where we have been willing to work through the hardships. That is a sign of my own maturity, before I would have been gone at the first sign of a rocky road. I know nothing is guaranteed, I believe you only get what you work for and I'm going to work with him to make this the best relationship for the both of us. Don't take that as I'm being a softy. No,I made it absolutely clear that I will not tolerate dishonesty and betrayal. We both agree that we need someone to mediate this issue for us, it is not working on our own. I just don't understand why she feels so threaten by me. I would never tell Craig he can't do things for his family, it just that they never know the limit.<P>------------------<BR>JDC<BR>

JDC,<BR>I think it's great that you are loyal to your relationship and he also. You have time to fix these issues...2001. Thats great! I also want to commend you for realizing that you have these problems and need to address them. I wish I had been that way before I married my H. We met, engaged and married all in less than 2 years. I was 27 and he 33 when we married and we didn't live together prior to. It wasn't until after we married that I really started to resent the control his family had on him. I wasn't mature enough emotionally to handle it and our communication skills were not the greatest. Some difficult times became of it last year and we split up for a few months. We are back together and in counseling. These issues have been with us from the start of therapy and he is now well aware of how wrong it is for our marriage. He is trying and is feeling the great independence now. We just celebrated our 5th anniversary Friday...This was the first one that I felt so complete with him. We are very happy and I do love my in-laws they are great people!! The meddling is still happening...but it is all in how we handle it. <P>Good luck!

SuziQ,<BR> I'm glad that you and your husband are trying to work things out and seem to be doing quite well. This gives me hope that Craig and I will reach a common ground on this issue. He came to me today and asked when I would like to start counseling and did I want him to make the appointment or was I going to. This is the one of things that keeps me loyal to this man, he is always willing to do whatever it is to put us back on track and I know because of this we will be able to work through anything. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy Craig's family immensely. We have had many good times together. But unfortunately that can not make up for the tension that always seems to harbor right under the surface. Though I truly do not care what they think about me, I would truly like to come to a common ground with them in particular his mom. I just want her to understand that I'm a part of his life and Craig is no longer her son living at home. He is the man I love, whom I am going to marry and God willing have children and a family of our own. I want her to respect the fact that he has priorities and responsibilities here with me and not be threatened by that fact and try to manipulate situations to suit her.<BR>I know that is her son and I respect their relationship to the fullest, I just expect the same respect in return. <BR>May God Bless you and your husband with many more happy anniversaries.<P>------------------<BR>JDC<BR>