I am so confused. Angry, upset and sad. I am trying to deal with an inevitable divorce. Papers are filed and waiting... H then tells me that he is moving 600 kilometers away from me. Well that didn't take long - he has only been out the house for 4 weeks. I never gave him the reaction I think he wanted - ie for me to cry and beg him not to leave. Well that was the old me. The new me is letting him go. I have decided that he is very bad for me and that I am stronger without him. There have been the sad nights and lonely weekends, and the longing to be with someone. And I expect more of that. But this morning he phones. Agressiveness no more... charming voice again.. 'hello' and I thought what now. I best just find out what he wants, he says just wanted to find out how you are, so I said well I'm fine and I have work to do, so bye. That was it. The hardest thing to do. That nice voice is the voice that charmed me, the potential to be my friend again. But nothing has really changed has it? He is still the same as he always is. Isn't he? I now wonder - maybe I should have spoken to him, but it would have been so easy to open my heart and allow him in, to hurt me...Please tell me I did the right thing. That this is the only thing I could have done...

Pantha,<P>It takes a long time and a lot of sweat for a person to truly change themselves. Some merely return as wolves in sheeps' clothing. Your husband probably hasn't had enough time to evolve from the errors of his past, so I'm in agreement with you there. It is probably not in your best interest to live with your husband if you're going to divorce him, especially if he is manipulative and abusive. I know some couples are able to share the same house right down to the decree/moving day, but that is rare. <P>I found it necessary to stop all verbal communication with my husband several months ago. I knew about his current affair and that he was not telling me about it, and denying he was involved with anyone. While I miss him too, I know it is for the best we don't contact each other except through our lawyers.<P>It sounds like you're going with your gut instinct, and that is supposed to be the most accurate. Good luck.<P>Nell

I don't know your whole story, but This part sounds like me, I made the same decision for muself as you and decide I wasn't going to hurt myself anymore by talking with exw or begging, it was best for me to let go, it was painful, but it was also what she wanted, I can see now I made the right choice, she was not good for me, I chose to get better and not let her keep a grip on me to hurt me anymore.<P>

I have told him to deal with my lawyer. But he still tries every now and again to call or sms. In a way it makes me think that maybe he cares, but mostly he is just trying to be nasty. It is good to know (in a funny way) that he thinks of me at 3am! by sending me an sms(even if the sms is nasty). I put my phone on silent so he doesn't bother me. But the niceness in his voice today threw me. I keep analysing and thinking. <P>I just wish this pain will end... its not easy when he has been in my life for 9 years. I try to think of all the reasons that made me decide to finally go through with the divorce. <P>He isn't living with me now, for the last 5 weeks. But he is moving next weekend to the other side of the country. Maybe that is a good thing.<P>It just feels like there will be no one in my life again. Not that I am even ready for that. But I get so lonely. Tired of being strong. Tired of dealing with all the stress. <P>It is so bad that so many people are going through similar things! It is good to know that people are willing to give each other support. Because this must be one of the most painful experiences of someones life. Maybe because of all we have learnt our next relationship will be better because we learn so much (if we want to) from this experience.

Hello Pantha,<P>Maybe your H gets some sort of wierd pleasure out of conflict with you. The "nice" voice was the hook to engage you again, and your taking the bait would have given him a chance to assess just how much he can hurt you. It could even be unconscious on his part.<P>If he were a mensch (Yiddish for a grownup, stand-up man) he would own his mistakes, and his feelings, and put them out there with a palms up gesture. He would risk YOUR rejection with more than a nice voice in a random phone call. <P>I think you did right. He gets some satisfaction out of engaging with you, even in conflict, and maybe it makes him feel superior when he can then reject you.<P>You did right. I'm sorry you're hurting, but don't doubt yourself. He's out of the house, and moving further away. Why would you want to let him hurt you even more?<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

{{{{{Pantha}}}}}<P>I am trying to post to everyone quickly because my phone is scheduled to be shut off today sometime.<P>All I have to say about that is that we all know it stinks, and good job on the phone call...IMHO. Knock that little devil off your shoulder, and tell it to go back to hell! You did what you felt best, and did not LB...Good for you. Keep up that laissez faire attitude...It will drive him to think for a change!<P>I wish that I could be there for you, you are at a point that you need someone to 'let it all out' to, and I get a lot from the connectedness that you have with yourself!<P>Have a good day, and be strong. I think you will succeed if you remain steady on course. Take care -Mike

Belle you are so right. It feels like you have met my husband! You are right, if he did care he would 'put himself on the line'. And I think he does get off on the fact that 'he rejects me'. Well this time I am going to move on - no matter how much pain I must endure to get there. It is better than dealing with an on/off relationship for the rest of my life. <P>((((Mike))) thank you for your support! Are you moving? Did you manage to get a job? I am sorry that your phone is going down today. Hope you will be around again soon!

Thanks, I will keep trying.<P>Yes, I work at a convenience store a block away...I got the closest job to home that I could! No, I am not moving, I just took in boarders, in fact. Now, 6 months from now, who knows? I take it 15 minutes at a time these days! I am starting to make some things to sell, but its hard...the house is still all out of whack, although its getting better all the time. I'd call it 'eclectic', but what it is is just a random collection of furniture! Okay, what I would call it is <B>home</B>. -Mike<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited August 16, 2001).]