Jill,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can walk through life now not on eggshells but on good solid ground.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm having trouble understanding how divorce could make that better. My H was often irritable and critical, but I did not feel I was walking on eggshells until after his affair began. Since he left it has become much worse. At least when we were together we had many shared philosophies and goals. Since he left, it often seems like I am trying to co-parent with a stranger, a completely different person than the father our kids had for 18 years. He has acquired a rather harsh and very authoritarian parenting style totally unlike the way he used to be. Sometimes I feel like he disagrees just for the sake of of disagreeing. I have to be very careful how I phrase things to avoid antagonizing him, and it is obviously easier to come to an agreement if he feeling that way. This wasn't much of an issue when we were together. <P>I am sure that someone will suggest not communicating with him, but that is not feasible when you share 6 children, some of them very young. Actually not only is it not feasible, but communication is mandated by the terms of our separation agreement. Communicating with him by email is much more difficult. When I am talking to him, we can usually come to an agreement - but being able to look at his eyes, see his body language, listen to his tone of voice, etc., makes it much easier to communicate. Not to mention the fact that he has on occasion, I am sure, had "editing assistance" from the OW on his emails. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited August 16, 2001).]

Hi Nellie,<P> I guess what I mean when I said that is I now realize that I had been scared of him for along time. I no longer have to be scared of him. What can he do to me now? I am my own person and I have gained so much more self strength from this. I would have never left him on my own. If not for the affairs we would still be together. Me, still living my life totally around him and his moods. He wasn't a monster in fact in alot of ways he is a very good and nice person. I miss that side of him but he has a very dark side also. I hope now that he is on antidepressants that is better. <P> As for communication, he calls me much more than I do him. My kids who are all in their teens see him when they want to. He pays 400. a month for childsupport and hasn't offered another dime for anything else. So I figure that when it comes to the kids they are my responsibility and very seldom include him. He is the one who left them. <BR>When we do talk it is always civil. In fact we haven't had a knock down arguement for many years. In alot of ways that makes problems harder to deal with. <P>I knew we were in trouble when we quit fighting. Although it was much more peaceful it also in some way took away the passion in our relationship. <P> I am working now on for one thing being able to put this behind me and move forward. I feel that he is always in the back of my mind and I'm trying to change that.<P> I didn't want the divorce but now realize that we were not right for eachother anymore. I still do love him I think. Sometimes I feel that maybe it's more of a obsession than love. I mean to see him and his new wife doesn't bother me at all. It's like seeing a old friend with someone. <P>We have become totally seperate people with different needs and wants and don't think any amount of counseling would have ever changed that. <P>Jill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So I figure that when it comes to the kids they are my responsibility and very seldom include him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course some of my kids are a lot younger, but it my state joint legal custody means that both of us have to participate in any major educational or medical decisions. <P>You asked what could he do to you now? In my case, there is lots he can do regarding where I send them to school, for instance. Since he has more financial resources than I, I would not be able to fight him for what is best for the kids. When he was home, we pretty much agreed on issues like that. Now sometimes it seems like I am co-parenting with a stranger. <P>I guess I'm in the minority. If he came back today and said he wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't hesitate.