I am 47 and my wife is 32. She told me about a week ago that she neede some space to sort out her feelings about me and our relationship. She wants to move out into her on place for awhile, but at the present because of our financial situation, she is unable to. I have agreed to allow her to stay in the house and that I would sleep on the sofa. Our communication had almost became non-existant before all this happened. She told me all the reasons that she had to leave. After listening, I realized that I had become selfish and non-caring. I never listened to her anymore and hardley ever showed any emotion except when we made love, which has become more like just having sex. I realized that everthing she said I was doing was true. After several nights of misery and sheading may tears I decided to talk to someone about the problem, if to do nothingelse but to clear my own mind. I went to see the only non-family member that I could trust. I went and talked to her preacher. After that I felt like a new man and committed to myself and God to change myself for the better no matter what happens to us. In the past week I have made good progress with this even though she thinks that it is all contrived to get her back now and that I would go back to the old way after awhile. I try to reassure her that this change is to be a permaneant change as coming from the heart. <BR>We are now talking and trying to resolve the problems that we have. I thought we were going to be able to resolve the problems, but last night she hit me with a bomb. She was holding back on one problem in fear that she would hurt me more than I was already hurting me. I keep telling her that I neede to have all the information in order to be able to work on the problems. But this last revalation is going to be the hardest to resolve, if it can be resolved at all. She told me that the single hardest reason for her to get over all of this is the difference in our ages. She told me that she was tired of me talking about my age and how she was a child in comparison. Whenever I said anything about age it was supposed to be in a joking manner. But she has taken it seriously. I never had a clue to this. Now my insensitivity to her feelings has driven her so far back that I'm afraid I'm going to lose her forever because of this problem. I can't see anything I can do to solve this problem. I can't change my age. If I could I would. <BR>I really love this woman with all my heart and don't want to lose her, but I can't do anything about this except to give her my solemn promise that I will never hurt her in any way again as long as I live. I will do this even if she still sees the need to leave.<BR>By the way, I've been sleeping on the sofa for the last week and a half so that she can have a little space to confront her feelings without me being in the way. That's the way it will be for as long as she has to stay. This is not a healthy situation, but neither of us has any other place to go. I will never just kick her out. I love her too much to ever think of that.<BR>Please give me any advice on this matter that you can. I'm in a desperate situation. I think we can solve all the other problems. It's just this one thing that stands in the way. I can't bear the thought of loosing the most wonderful lady I've ever had the priveledge to be with. She is my heart totally.<BR>

Ggreene,<P>You're situation and mine have some similarities and some big differences. Our sleeping arrangements are the same with financial considerations also being part of it. There are many differences though.<P>The main reason I wanted to write is to encourage you to continue with your plan. Don't give up suddenly due to the age "issue". You're right, you can't change your chronological age, or your wife's but the age you FEEL can change. I'm 52 but most of the time I FEEL the same as I did when I was 25. My associates (I work in industry) are mostly at least ten years younger than me but the age difference for the most part isn't noticed. It seems in a work environment, the most overt standard of comparison is not your own age but the ages of your children. <P>"What's all this got to do with me?" you're probably asking. Well it's just one example of how people AREN'T hung up at all on age differences. I could give you more examples. Maybe I will later. The point is this: the kind of "age difference" that counts is in you and your wife's minds and your perceptions. It's the age difference your wife FEELS that needs to be defined. Try to get her to define it, specifically. Is it physical? For example does she think you're a couch potato because you don't join her in her daily 15 mile run? Does her circle of 20 year old college student friend clash with the AARP group your involved with? Or are the scenarios just the opposite? I'm most probably exaggerating but you get the point.<P>I think your situation sounds EXTREMELY hopeful--in fact I can't help but even feel envious. You're going to work this thing out. Just hang in there. It will take longer than you want it to take but I really believe you are going to convince your wife to stick with you. You've just got to get her to clarify the age thing a bit, and then act on the REAL issues, what ever it takes. Good luck and have a great holiday weekend!<P>(My back is starting to ache from the couch, I think I'm going to try the floor tonight).<P>TD<p>[This message has been edited by TD (edited May 29, 1999).]

Thanks for the encouragement. I really needed for someone to understand the seriousness of my problem. After I received you reply, I let my wife read it. She hasn't had anything to say about it yet. She will be gone all day with the kids to birthday parties. She seemed a little more responsive than she did before. I know it's going to take a long time to heal the wounds that I have inflicted on her feelings. I just need to think that I have a chance of healing all this in time and be able to make her happy for the rest of our lives. The thought of losing her just devastates me. I find myself breaking down in tears everytime I get still enough to think about it. I just hope that she will eventually let me in so that I will be able to show her how much I really care for and love her. I know she can't return the love at this time, but I can handle that. I am sincere about all the changes that I am making and I hope she can see it.<P>And as for sleeping on the sofa, I know where you are coming from, but it is just one of the necessary things that I feel I need to do. It's not that bad until my 4 year old daughter crawls up there with me.<P>Trying to keep hope.

Only if you are 24 and she is 12! LOL, I'm sorry I couldn't resist:-) <P>Sometimes all marriage have rough spots, keep communicating with her and try to work on meeting each others needs. It sounds like you are on the right path by talking to her and trying to help her through this trying time. All in all, age is probably just something to focus on because she is confused.

I'm in the opposite position: My girlfriend is 44, I'm 33. I love her very much and we are very compatible in many ways, but now we are taking some time off from each other to give us space to think objectively whether we should get engaged and married. She is in great shape, but I am concerned that I've always wanted children and she doesn't and is too old. I'm also concerned that she will start looking old long before me, and then I'll be tempted by younger women. And I sometimes wonder how important IQ is: I'm very bright, while she is also bright, but not on my level. So often I feel "bigger" than her. Maybe this is why our sex, which was great in the first weeks, declined to just once or twice a month. Should I rather date other, younger, more highly intelligent women with a stronger sex drive? Or am I just making up these "excuses" to find a way out of commitment? I don't want to be stupid and lose a wonderful woman. But maybe there's someone out there who is just as compatible and wonderful, but younger and brighter? Am I making any sense?