What I had been afraid of for so long just happened a few hour ago. My husband sat down with me and told me that he thought he should move out for a while - get a hotel room to think about things. He told me thia around 12:30. We talked and cried until just about 1/2 hour ago when he left. This is absolutely the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I am so alone. As many of you know from previous postings, we have really become very distant. But I always kept holding out hope. I kept trying to be affectionate even when I received nothing in return. It really was a very honest and loving relationship we had today. At one point, I even joked that had I known him leaving was all I needed to be held I would have done it sooner. He held me a lot today. Told me how much he loves me. I told him too. He is everything to me. But I did tell him that if it meant continuing to live the way we have these past few months I couldn't take it. I have known what it was like to have affection from him and see him happy - that living this way is killing me. <P>When he left he was more afraid I would do something crazy. I talked about getting out of the house myself but he begged me to stay home. He was worried about all the Memorial Day partying drivers. I agreed to stay home.<P>Now I am here, crying more than I ever have and not knowing where to turn. Not sure why I came to this board - but I figured at least here people are listening and understand. I just don't know what to do now. I told him I love him and am here to talk when he is ready. I told him my hope would be to work on counseling or getting us help. But I also told him that I am smart enough to realize that not only 1 of us can be 100% committed to working on us. I told him that if/when he comes back, I want it to be because he wants to focus on repairing our marriage. That things would have to be different if he does come back.<P>What do all of you think? Did I handle it correctly. I joked during parts of the conversation that I was trying to follow some of the hints from this board but how difficult that is at times. <P>As he left he knows that I love him very much and want to work on our marriage. I am not sure what more I could have done.<P>Any thoughts would really be appreciated since I am probably at the most empty point of my life right now.<P>Thanks.

Alisa,<BR> I'm so sorry to hear your bad news. I really don't know what to say because I've never experienced this kind of problem before. I can say that you handled your end very well by letting your husband know where your feelings are and where you would like your relationship to go from there. I understand your husband's concern for your safety, but I think the worst thing you can do is stay in the house and let your thoughts and emotions consume you. You need to let your mind free from the pain for awhile. Do you have family that you can go to visit or maybe an old friend? You and your husband seem like two people that probably love each other very much, it just seems like your husband is experiencing something that he has to work out for himself. I hope that you and him can work to turn your marriage around. Until then you are in my prayers. Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>JDC<BR>

alissa,<P>I feel for you. You said everything that was right, but I do agree, it would help you to get counseling. This is a shock to you, to a degree, yet, you did feel that something was amiss in your relationship. As your husband is thinking, you do the same thing for yourself. Obvioulsly, things have been difficult for you also. Take this time for yourself to really look at what is going on for both of you. Again, a therapist would be a great help!!! Take care!!!

Alisa<P>What can I say, I'm heart-broken for you, after all hard work you have put into it, to try and make things work.<P>I am leaving work now, but can I make a suggestion, if you post on the 'infidelity' board, I think you will get more of a response, try it and a big (((hug))) from me.<P>Cuddles

Dear Alisa,<P>I have been following your posts and I am so sorry to hear your bad news. It actually made me cry for you, because I know so much of the pain that you are going through.<P>Though not completely identical, I am going through a very similar situation, and my husband and I have come very close to separating, as you have just done. The pain and heartache is unbearable, especially when you love them SO much. We're still at that brink and can go over anytime.<P>At any rate, I do think you handled things the right way. You've tried your best to make things work. It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to destroy it. It's up to your husband to sort things out for himself now. I do suggest you get counseling for yourself. While it probably won't make things easier, at least you'll have someone to share your problems with.<P>You're in my prayers. Hang in there.

Alisa: Oh how I feel for you. Alisa, don't stay home. Enjoy a friend, a family member or someone that is a positive person to be with. Think about it. Your husband left but he was soooooooooooooconcerned about you going anywhere? The one that is left hurts the most. The sooner you get out of the house and start to enjoy yourself the sooner your husband will start to realize that your not just going to sit at home and wait on him and I bet at the present time that's what your doing. As long as he knows that your continuing to wait on him he will be secure in his actions. It's like young girls and boys. The more that we wait around or chase the other person the more that person will avoid you. Alisa, I know that you want to save your marriage but it takes two. I know I was in the same position that you are at one time in my life. I cried, begged, and almost had a mental breakdown. Then I started to mend my heart and realized I was a wonderful person, not only a loving mother but also a loving wife. I begin to put my life back together when he suddenly realized that I was beginning to form a life without him. But it was to late. I had hurt to bad, to long. He was the one that lost. So Alisa, my prayers are with you. It probably seems part of your life is over with the anguish that you have went through but when a door closes there will be a door that opens that lets in a fresh cool breeze Take care, you are at the hardest point in your situation now. It will become easier if you realize that you are a very special, loving person, and a person that doesn't deserve to be treated in the manner that you are being treated now. Take care. Go out and take a walk and see the beauty around you. God speed. JAF

Thank you all for your kind words today. This has definitely been the hardest day of my life. I am sitting here at work - only half focused on anything. I did send my husband an email telling him how hard this all was and that I do love him and want to work on us. He is very stressed at work and couldn't give me a full reply. God I wish this day would just end.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<P>I wish I could be as strong as you suggest. In another post today to Cuddles I confirmed that I have begun to feel more like begging. Every time I talk to him I just break down crying. I have gone out with friends for drinks and a movie, and tonight I am going to the gym. So I guess I am doing SOME of this right huh? God this is tough.<P>

Alisa,<P>you have my thoughts and support. Beleive me, I know what it is (for me it was a hwole year, every day harder than another). <P>I can only tell you a few words about ourselves to cheer you up.<P>Sometimes, separation is simply necessary to let both cool down and what is evenmore important -- to forget and forgive. I noticed that a lot of old habits, even minor ones, have a strong influence on us and tend to pull us back. <P>You can never step into the same river again -- but you can have a new start, after both of youchange and grow, having learned from old mistakes, and knowing how to treasure your relationship. It takes time. And this work can't be done together, for each of you goes his only way.<P>We started e-mailing and talking on the phone only several months after I moved out. Now I moved closer to him, and we even see each other 1-2-3 timea amonth, and talk on the phone and ICQ. And give each other gifts, and share thoughts and feelings.<P>Technical tips -- NO PRESSURE IN ANY FORM!!! Sending him e-mail is fine and necessary, but make sure you don't appear needy and suffering. You told him you love him and suffer, he knows it. Making him feel guilty will work against you -- we all hate most who we harmed, not those who harmed us. Even do your best to avoid this topic -- how bad you feel. At least, say it with a smile and laugh about your weakness.<P>Get your own life, but leave the door open. Don;t engage into any games, like showing him how marketable you are, how many dates you have, and so on. Even if you create jealosy, it will only last for a short time, but instead would send a clear message that your love is transient, and for you it is easy to switch.<P>Most important -- don't reject any help, any friendly gesture. First, if shows how friendly you are and also does a very important job for you -- all of us are always attached to those who we had helped, we become responsioble for them.<P>I have done this mistake, rejecting everything and showing how independently and proudly I can suffer. The climate became warmer only after I made a U-turned and told him, I regretted my behavior.<P>And a lot depends on how committed you are to getting back together, even you alone. I say for myself that as long as at east I myself want it and work on it, no hope is gone.<P>And check the following book titles<BR>How to get your lover back -- H. Blase<BR>More love tactics -- McNight<BR>Getting back together<P>------------------<BR>m145i@theglobe.com

ILM,<P>Thanks for all the very detailed advice. I think I was stronger when we were talking on Monday before he left than I have been since. I felt much more independent Monday than I do now. I am really going to try and show him I am holding up okay.<P>thanks,<BR>Alisa