I have been reading this site for about 10 days since Saturday a week ago when my husband of almost 15 years told me he wants a divorce. Here is the background:<BR>I am 36, he is 40. We have 3 children (11, 9 and 5). He is an attorney and until about a year ago I was a high paid bank executive. I have always worked outside the home and have been an overacheiver my entire life. As a matter of fact I worked to put him through law school. We have gone from making very little money to making a lot of money and spending a lot of money. I am one of those people who has a hard time opening up to others and forming close relationships. No affairs of any type by either of us (of myself I am sure and of him I am reasonably sure). <BR>I began my battle with depression about 2-3 years ago and in my need to suppress my feelings and prove to myself and everyone else that I was alright, I didn't deal with the negative feelings. I began to drink too much (wine everyday) and overspend (to just feel better temporarily)and continued to neglect my emotional health. I did not reach out to my husband or to anyone. I also began to steal money from my company by submitting false invoices. The scheme lasted several months and it all fell apart last August. I lost my job and was prosecuted in federal court. He didn't know anything about it until the day I was fired. <BR>On my d-day (different than an affair, but still a major cover-up) I went straight to my priest's office and that is where I told my husband what had been going on. He immediately jumped into action, knew just which criminal attorney to call... I began intensive psychotherapy the next day and stopped drinking altogether. Bottom line of the legal business is that I was sentenced in June (could have received 18 months in federal prison)to 8 hours in prison, 6 months in a halfway house (have to spend the night there, but can leave to go to work, church..) and 5 years of probation. Well, I served the 8 hours in the Marshall's office and was getting ready to go the half way house when the gov't decides to appeal my sentence. So, now I am in limbo for the next 18 months because that is how long it takes the federal appeals process. The judge granted our motion for a downward departure based on diminished mental capacity, which is why I got less than the 18 months and the gov't thinks that he abused his discretion in granting it. So, I could have to be re-sentenced or I could have to eventually serve the 6 months in the halfway house, but won't know anything for some time. <BR>So we have weathered this horrible storm keeping our family in tact as best we can. We have talked about the possibility of our marriage not surviving this kind of train wreck. The two oldest kids know what is going on and we have done a few sessions of family therapy to get through. I have done a tremendous amount of work with my therapist and have uncovered some shi* about myself that I would have preferred not to know. But, I know truly understand that pretending doesn't make it go away and that it is what you don't know that can hurt you. I am a different person than I was a year ago or even 5 years ago. I am stronger and better. Surviving a federal prosecution complete with newspaper coverage and public humiliation will teach you to hang tough. I know I have not been the open, loving and honest person that my husband deserved for a wife or that I promised to be. I can be that person and I am becoming that person.<BR>So, now after 12 months of this he says, "I don't know if I can do it?" He questions what we really had. Who was I all those years? Is he really throwing anything away, because our marriage seems to him to have been a sham anyway. <BR>So, last Sat. when he drops this bomb, I said I am not giving up. I said he was selfish and self-centered and short-sighted (LBs, I know). I then calmed down and asked him to commit to 6 sessions of marriage counseling and not to make a final decision until we were sure that we couldn't fix this. I told him that the children deserved our best effort to make this work. I told him I loved him and I wanted to be married to him.<BR>He said he would go to MC. Tomorrow is our first session - we are seeing the same guy who has done family counseling for us a few times. I am also still seeing my psych 1 x week. He said he thinks I may need to get back on Celexa but I haven't done it yet. <BR>I guess my bottom line issue is to see if you all think there is hope here. If he has given up, what can be done? I know I can only impact my own decisions and behavior, so what can I really do to help him understand that we still make sense. Even though I did this terrible thing, I am not a terrible person. And even though I have broken his trust in me, I am worthy of trust again.<BR>Any input welcome.<BR>

Hi Wiffle,<BR>I am so sorry. After all this time and all the support he has given it seems he's giving up in the home stretch. I certainly understand that after so many hard months and still no definant end in sight it can be alot easier to opt out than keep fighting. I felt that way myself several times and so far I havent given up on my husband. I hope yours will continue to be there for you til this is over. Then you two can work on making an even better marriage now that you have dealt with your own personal issues and learned to be more open with him. I hope these word of encouragement help.<BR>Sam <BR>

Wiffle,<P>I am sorry to hear of all of this. I do think your marriage can be saved but it will take work. I presume you really don't know why he changed his mind or perhaps crystalized his thoughts on the matter of your marriage. I do think you need to ask him point blank about this, but perhaps the best way to do this is to anticipate what the reasons might be.<P>1. He is 40 and Mid Life Crisis hits about now. This coupled with what has happened in the last few years may be making him question everything.<P>2. You mentioned that: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I know I have not been the open, loving and honest person that my husband deserved for a wife or that I promised to be. I can be that person and I am becoming that person. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Now this is tough. You may need to read more here about marriages but Harley has this idea that meeting needs is a big issue and cause of marriages dissolving. Further, your H is probably wondering if there is anything in this marriage for him. You need to supply the answers Wiffle.<P>3. His self-esteem and his job have no doubt been affected by this scandal. He may feel that being married to you will hurt him professionally and that coupled with your previous statement about not being open, loving, and honest suggests that he doesn't see much purpose in hanging around.<P>4. You may be seeing the accumulated effects of a mediocre marriage at best coupled with a year or so of hell. Plus, he is looking at a future where you may be incarcerated and obviously not able to fulfill any needs. You might reasonably argue that in marriage the other spouse should be able to suck it up for this period, but if the marriage had little for him other than his vows and the children, this option might not be attractive.<P>I could go on, but you get the point. Well, maybe you don't. You see all of these points can be countered, but they must be countered with word and deed. You need to address yourself to these issues or any others that he might be willing to mention. <P>Wiffle this is a tough situation. It is tough for you, your H, and surely your children. Please make sure your children get support and help. I am sure the oldest one has heard from his/her classmates about your trial. And if you are sentenced to jail time they will hear more.<P>Your H may be trying to protect them as well. There are better ways. <P>My recommendation is to read His Needs Her Needs by Harley and see if you can determine through talking with your H, filling out the questionaire, or just detective work what his needs are and meet them. <P>As you have said this whole thing has lead to changes in you, but he needs to know the changes are honest, and permenant. <P>This is a tough situation, so hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I admire the candor and honesty in your post. You have obviously benefitted alot from the therapy you have been in. Like you I've been married 15 yrs and have 3 kids- that is ALOT to stay married FOR! If you didnt have SOME meaninful base to your relationship I dont think you could have been married this long- I tell my H I would have killed him by now if we truly had 'irreconcilable differences.' Have you thought about seeing your priest together? Forgiving each other and yourselves for mistakes is SO important to get the momentum going in a long marriage that is going downhill. I found that my H ( who is also a high achiever!) has a hard time forgiving both himself and me for past mistakes and keeps his feelings bottled up which is very damaging over the long run. We are in counseling to work on this after he had an affair with a single coworker. Making a marriage work is harder than divorcing I think- thats why the divorce rate is so high these days. But the narrow gate is the one to go thru. Maybe you could get your H to read 'The case against divorce' by author Diane Medved- it goes over the rationales for divorce and why they arent what they're cracked up to be. Dont give up and agree to a divorce if thats not what you want.If H brings it up tell him you believe its wrong and damaging to the children and dont discuss it further because believe me it wont be a good conversation. Hang in there. lifeismessy

Thanks so much for the kind replies. <P>We had our first counseling session yesterday afternoon and I would have to classify it as a success - even though he did emphatically state that he couldn't see us staying together. <BR>We both said a lot of things we needed to say. We agreed to several things we would do, including telling each other at the end of each day when we felt closet to the other person and when we felt farthest away. Telling each other when during the day we felt happiest, saddest, angriest and most afraid. Going on a date and meeting again next week. We also agreed to review our "agreements" about what is and isn't acceptable behavior from each other. <BR>Last night we stayed up talking and actually laughing and had a wonderful time.<BR>One day at a time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Reality<BR>It's not what you think

Wiffle,<P>This is good news, but has your H stated why he couldn't see you two staying together?? You need to know the reasons. Yes, he may feel the marriage was a sham. I am sure he feels that your acts have betrayed the children and him.<P>But I go back to the comments you have made about not being a very loving, open, or honest W to him. I would like to hear why you make these assessments of yourself. <P>I am wondering if he wasn't very happy with the marriage before and all of these recent events have finally put him over the edge.<P>Keep working on it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<BR>I think you are right. He does think too much has happened for us to be able to repair it. He doesn't think he can get any love for me back in his heart. He doesn't think I am capable of real change. We did have problems prior to this big mess. Mostly communication issues. Me wanting everything to be peaceful and fine and therefore avoiding any type of conflict, suppressing anger, going along with a smile on my face to whatever he wanted to do, but being passively aggresive and lying to him about things - not things like other people, but about money mostly. I allowed him to think he had the role of "Head of the Household", but I guess I didn't really respect him in that role. <BR>I have learned that it is so much easier to be honest. You don't have to try and remember your story. I am capable of honesty. I am capable of change. I believe if he sticks around long enough he will see that. <BR>Also, he thinks I am an alcoholic. I don't think so. I have been to several AA meetings and have read the entire Big Book. I have abused alcohol. In the past I have been known to drink inappropriately (like alone, or in the mornings, or to calm fears...). I am willing to admit I may be an alcoholic, but I sure don't want to be. I will go back to AA, because in truth, I actually did enjoy the meetings. There are people there from all walks of life and I could identify with many of their stories. I was never one to "get drunk", I just sipped often. I have given up all alcohol in order to prove I can change. I don't think this is the right reason to give it up, but maybe it doesn't matter. I want him to know I am serious.<P>Anyway, thanks for the input. I will keep listening and posting.<BR>Wiffle<P>------------------<BR>Reality<BR>It's not what you think

Wiffle,<P>I have another question for you. Does he think that you are capable of loving him???<P>I am serious here. If you were to stand on his side of the line, how would you interpret your actions?<P>I am guessing but I would interpret the alcohol as an attempt to get away from the marriage and me. I would interpret the lies as an attempt to manipulate me and get more of what you want. I would interpret the lack of response by you, as a lack of interest in me.<P>In summary, I would interpret all of your actions as those of someone that didn't love me.<P>So I wonder, does he feel he has lost his love for you, or is it that he has come to the conclusion that you never really loved him, and therefore sees no reason to try and love you again.<P>I am not trying to paint him as a martyr, but it would appear that you have sort of been proactive in messing this up, including the issues of theft. I do think coupled with everything else that issue plays larger than you realize.<P>So what do you think? Are we getting close? As I said before, given a chance all of these things can be overcome. But it won't be easy.<P>God Bless,<P>JL