Hi Everyone,<BR>This is my first posting, so please be nice to me. I've been reading postings for about a week and I'm still learning the abbreviations, so please bear with me.<P>Summary (edited/removed by jim) I'm a bit nervous about what I wrote.<P>I feel that we have not made any progress over the past month. She is still unclear about if she wants to stay with me and try to 'work it out' or go move in with her lover. I told her that I am committed to trying to work this out. I feel that I have to at least try to save this marriage before I call it quits. I am frustrated that she has not 'committed' to working on this. She is starting to see a counselor for herslf this week.<P>My primary concern, even ahead of the marriage, is the welfare of the children. I told her that if she moves out, I want custody of the children and well be very fair regarding visitation, etc. <P>The two pwople that I confided in about our situation basically said that maybe I should see a lawyer. Yikes!<P>I'm not sure what to do.<P>I'd appreciate any help or insight anyone else has.<P>Thanks<P>Jim<P><p>[This message has been edited by Jim-Arlington-VA (edited August 31, 2001).]

Jim: There are pro's and con's to a lawyer.<P>If you are financially worried about what will happen to you or the kids then a lawyer may be advisable. On the flip side lawyers for the most part aren't interested in whether you wish to save your marriage or not, they are there to represent you in getting the divorce and collecting their money.<P>I would hold off on the lawyer just yet. Make sure you read about Plan A here on the site. Remember it's goal is to show the WS that you are the one. Be the one.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I would wait until she moves out, and ask for finacial support, as long as she is at home and counseling you have a good chance keep plan Aing her. Once you get a lawyer involed everything will change, lawyers are like bulldogs that is what they are trained to do and they will want to push everything through and get the most for you, it could destroy any chances you have of working things out, do not try to pressure her or manipulate her be honest loving and caring work with her, read the books and everything on this site <P>

I would definatly hold off on the lawyer till she moves out.. If you seek attorney advise now that may give her the push to go elsewhere..<BR>Just remember you can not change her.. You can only look at yourself and change those things you wish to change for your self improvement.. Just hang in there.. Be supportive and the most important is comunication...<BR>Do give her the choice thou that her seeing another man is not an option while the two of you are together.. (that is what I would do)<BR>wish you luck<BR>Janet

Thanks for the replies everyone.<P>I think I'll take everyone suggestion and stay away from the legal world for now. I liked Janet's comment about being able to only change things about myself.<P>Jim<P>

I guess I am kind of the oddball out on this one. I would go to a lawyer--just to get basic info. You don't need to do anything at this time. I went to one within last 2 weeks--just for info. Was a free initial consultation--and the lawyer was very nice. My kids told my husband I went--but that I didn't file for divorce. He hasn't even asked me on it. The lawyer I saw was very nice--I told her a little of my situation, and she thought our marriage was very salvagable. Also, was on the 1st day I posted here, and had a nice response from Paul--was so nice to have a couple positives that day. I was thinking the lawyer would be money hungry, etc--but far from the truth. She doesn't like to play nasty--and the more we can figure out on the kids between us, the better. (unless of course there is any kind of abuse) The 2 things she told me was to know what our assets/debts are. I do the finances--so know that. Also, she said get into counseling--even though divorce is easy to get, a very emotional time. (this was before I told her my situation) I hope I don't have to see her again--but glad I did get some info. Also learned that if one of us would leave to visit parents, etc for a couple days, that would be okay. But, if one of us moves out of the house--not good. (abandoning children) <BR>So, maybe going to check into stuff, and get any questions you may have answered would be okay. Just don't do anything drastic or let the lawyer talk you into anything.<BR>Best wishes to you.

I may be a day late and a dollar short on this, since it appears you've already made up your mind, but here's my experience:<P>In May, after my wife and I came back from Retrouvaille unreconciled and miserable, I did a brief phone consultation with a lawyer, but didn't pursue it. In July, when her move-out plans firmed up, I decided to consult that lawyer again and told her about it before I went. She got very quiet and scared; she's told me throughout this that she's afraid I'll start taking out my anger on her. I told her I was just going for information, but she lived through her parents' ugly divorce at age 8/9/10 - it took a long time- and so it made her tense. <P>However, I knew it was something I had to do, and that I had no intention of initiating any divorce, let alone an ugly one, so I felt it was under control. We have a particular financial mess in that we own two houses together, and my wife had a mistaken idea of how easy that would be to un-do; the lawyer gave me the info that showed her how costly it will be to un-do.<P>It also gave me a good excuse to talk to the woman who will be my wife's lawyer, if we get to that; she's an old friend, and so I felt OK calling her up to discuss what the other lawyer had said, and how it contradicted what my wife said she had heard, etc. We cleared that up, and then talked some more about my wife's state of mind, and that conversation (recounted here, if you care: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003623.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003623.html</A> ) was enormously helpful to me in understanding what is going on in my wife's head.<P>So, I'm glad I talked to the lawyer. I have a better understanding of the legal process now; I know I can use a lawyer to my ends, rather than let the lawyer drive the process. I told him from the outset I was not interested in an adversarial divorce, but that I might want consultation on legal documents and the like, and he was amenable to that. Talking to him did not weaken my resolve to repair the marriage- the only thing getting in the way of that is my wife.<P>The other issues- whether she is committed to making it work or not, your frustration- I can't help you with, because I'm in the middle of the same (unless it helps to hear that you're not the only one). But I see nothing wrong with talking to a lawyer right now- just don't give him/her a retainer yet.

Thanks 'Helpla' and 'dabigtrain'.<P>I guess I still need to think about this. <P>Jim