My H and I are meeting so that he can pick up our son. We have not spoken much lately. But he was very nice and upbeat this morning. Every time I talk to him he talks about our marriage as it is PAST tense and we've only been separated for 3 months. He said this morning, "you don't have to put up with my butt now that we're not married anymore" and things like "when we WERE married....."<BR>This drives me crazy!! And makes me feel sad <BR>How do I reply to these statements without LB and without disagreeing and without making it look as if I'm hurt and desparate to reconcile????? Also, what should I say and talk about when I see him? I feel like he's always trying to get one over on me so I have to becareful yet I don't want to LB.

Hi Katie,<P>Haven't heard from you in a while...how's the gym work?<P>I would say that the reason your h might be saying this is to push your buttons. He may know this will rile you up, and he may be trying to get a reaction, so he can say "See? You haven't changed!"<P>So the best advice is to ignore it, but I suggest you give him a subtle message about it in this way: if you want to say something about when you weren't apart, you say "When we were together..." or "When you were living here..." as a kind of model for him. It may or may not sink in.<P>Would you believe my h said the "when we were married" thing to me BEFORE he even left???? He had ALREADY dismissed himself from the relationship. He hasn't said it since, but then there hasn't been any real conversation about our time together since the day he left.<P>Try really hard to just let it roll off you. It's also possible he doesn't even realise what he's saying....who knows with that stupid fog!!!<P>Take care, <P>Jacky

Hi Katie, I must say I am in the same boat. After being so very cold last week, my wife has opened up a bit more, but still speaks of our marriage in the past tense. Perhaps they are testing us. I dont know, so I would like to hear others opionions as well. I will be starting counseling on Tuesday because of things like this. I get SO down when my wife talks about us in past tense. I wished I could say more, but I just dont know either. I will listen though. I am trying to learn how to do that.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Katie Carlson:<BR>Every time I talk to him he talks about our marriage as it is PAST tense and we've only been separated for 3 months. ... This drives me crazy!! ...<BR>How do I reply to these statements without LB and without disagreeing and without making it look as if I'm hurt and desparate to reconcile?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You don't. Nina too's suggestions are good- don't adopt his terminology, just use your own. Don't rise to the bait- you'll get hooked, skinned, fried, and served up with lemon butter before you know it.<P>You gave me some good advice on another thread, so I'll give it back to you: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Play it cool and don't pressure [him]. If [he's] hanging out with you, that's a step in the right direction. This gives you the opportunity to show [him] that you are fun to be around. ... Make yourself a pleasure to be around and mention nothing to [him] about getting back together. You are apart and you have to become friends before you can become lovers. ... [He's] got to figure this one out for [him]herself and when [he] does, you'll be ready<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It isn't easy all the time. For me, the effort's worth it. Is it worth it for you?<BR>

Thanks everyone! <P>Dabigtrain - Thanks for giving my own advice back to me - it's so easy to know what to do when your outside looking in but when your "in" the situation it's a whole other story. I do really well when I'm not talking to him but whenever I hear his voice or see him, it sends me through a loop. We're meeting at a restaurant - TGI Fridays. I'll let you know how it goes, "hopefully" It will go well. For those of you that believe in a Higher Power - keep me in your prayers tonight. Thanks.

Hi Everybody! The meeting went well. Avoided OR talks and when he brought up about money and finances, I just nodded. He mentioned that I looked good after dinner and that my face had good color. Then when we were walking to our cars and parting, he asked if I would consider moving to VA Beach because of the long drive he has go make. (He has to come up and get our son and he travels a lot with his job. Is it possible he meant as a family? I didn't pry, I just replied "I don't think I'd move there by myself but maybe if I had someone to move with me I'd consider it!" Did I give the right answer? Tell me what you think.