One of my wife's closest friends called me- by mistake. "Oh, you guys' phone number is close to [name of someone I didn't recognize]. I always make that mistake..."<P>This friend divorced her husband of 12 years about 4 years ago. I don't know much about it, only her side filtered through my wife- he was cold, put her down a lot, they got married too young, she needed him to get out of her abusive family of origin, but now she needs something different. From her side, it sounds like the marriage was unrepairable, but as I said, I don't know his side. She's remarrying in two weeks- he, as far as I know, is stuck in place.<P>This woman is one of my wife's support system of divorced and single women that I've written about on another thread. She feels the divorce was her only possible path, and feels much better about her life since. I'm sure she's the one feeding her the "kids will adjust, they'll be happier, they'll love going to dad's house and to mom's" B.S.<P>Anyway, she asked me how I was doing, and I gave the answer I typically give these days to people who I don't really wish to discuss it with: "I'm doing well, under the circumstances."<P>She made some commiserating noises, and then said this: "It'll be better, really."<P>I wanted to say: "Oh? For who? For our children, shuffled between two houses, confused and bewildered, just wanting their old lives back? For me, alone half the time in a three-bedroom house, missing the love and support of the woman I love, bereft of the emotional and physical intimacy that made my life so happy for 10 years? For my wife, overworked, confused, possibly clinically depressed, in financial chaos because of her huge housing payment on top of huge student loans, also alone half of her time without the man who she loved and I believe still does and who supported her every move without fail? Or for you, since if we split, you'll have yet another example of a failed marriage to validate your own inability to keep yours together?"<P>But I knew such an outburst would only get back to my wife and be a big LB, so I swallowed hard (it may have been the hardest thing I've had to swallow yet), thanked her for her concern, and hung up.<P>And then I came here to vent. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.<BR>

dabigtrain,<P>I'm also very thankful that this forum is available to vent our frustrations with those out here who understand. <P>I hope you have a good weekend/holiday. This weekend is pretty much make or break time for me. <P>I feel the same frustration when my H continually wants to think everything is "ok" just hanging in limbo. Sure it's good for him because I haven't been LBing or making any time demands on him. He comes and goes as he pleases. <P>It is mega frustrating to see someone I love so much throw their live away without giving anything another try. Sure the OW may seem great now but HE IS NOT SEEING REALITY. <P>His kids should be his reality. <P>Oh, don't get me started...... I just wanted to say I'm glad you came here to vent too.<P>Have a great weekend. Still don't know if I will or not...<P>Lynn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR>I hope you have a good weekend/holiday. This weekend is pretty much make or break time for me. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I read in one of your other posts that you're a systems admin- that's my day job, too, and this weekend, I'll be upgrading Solaris and Oracle and a bunch of other software on our company's single most important server. Could take anywhere from 24 to 72 hours. So, this won't be much of a weekend, but thanks for the thought.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel the same frustration when my H continually wants to think everything is "ok" just hanging in limbo. ... It is mega frustrating to see someone I love so much throw their live away without giving anything another try. Sure the OW may seem great now but HE IS NOT SEEING REALITY.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've read a lot of your posts, but I haven't thought I had anything helpful to say, so I don't think I've replied on many (if any). But your story is one I'm following, and I wish you well. I agree the most frustrating thing about this whole experience is its senselessness. Friends and family of mine look at my wife and I and ask "what is she doing? Why on earth?" It's so clear to me what we need to do, but she doesn't see it yet (if she ever will).<P>What keeps me going now is I still believe in what we can be if we ever get through this together, and also remembering how long she stuck by me, in the early days of our courtship when I was waffling. I feel like it's my turn to do the same.<P>Doesn't mean it's easy, but it's true.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Oh, don't get me started...... I just wanted to say I'm glad you came here to vent too.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Go ahead, get started. Its feels good to get it all out somewhere the spouse won't be on the receiving end of it.<P>Take care, and good luck this weekend.<BR>

Hi Train,<P>I'm back now. I have done a good job today, so don't lay the boots in now. You can start again tomorrow morning thank you!<P>I know the friend thing...I just don't want to see anyone he knows because when I do they seem to take his side...makes me sick because they never know about the A's just think I kicked him out.(!)<P>I have a workmate of his' wife phoning at the moment, but I haven't replied. I like her, I really do. And I will phone her to say goodbye. But what am I supposed to say other than that? The last time she saw me she noticed I had lost weight, but it was the day before he was leaving, and I hadn't eaten well for two weeks. Well, if she could see me now!!! I think she'd think I was turning anorexic, I'm not BTW, eating three meals a day usually, but still losing weight.<P>I just don't want to get into any detail, I don't want her trying to talk me out of going either, which is why I think she's phoning this week. I told my h today by email that I intend on saying goodbye to a few people tomorrow, but if he has any objections to certain people (like her) then I wouldn't....blow it I will anyway, these people were also my friends. He didn't reply, so he doesn't care what I do. Good, I don't just want to disappear, and them not hear from me.<P>I had one incident early in the split where we had a friend call up and ask us to his birthday BBQ. He just wouldn't let me get a word in or I would have told him our news....anyway he ended up telling me all the arrangements and stuff about five minutes later, and I just felt after his big effort I just couldn't tell him...so I said we had other plans, which was kind of true for h. Yuck!<P>You know what is getting me though? This week I let three good friends in Oz finally know we had separated....only one wrote back. Now THAT stinks!<P>They say you know who your friends are at times like these!<P>Take care...and BTW did you answer my post on how you chose your user name....I'm curious about yours!<P>Jacky<P>

You should have said it. How can it be an LB if you're not saying it to your wife? Do you have watch what you say to EVERYBODY now just because it may get back to your wife and be an LB? I don't know. I think it's a great reply and one that your wifes friend probably needed to hear. Maybe you should call her up and say 'remember when you told me it'll get better? Well I'd like to ask you a question.', and then deliver it to her. I'd really like to know what her answer would be, having gone through it herself already.

Awwww, you propeller-heads are all alike. I am one of the unwashed masses who couldn't get through a workday w/o you guys who keep the networks humming. This Bud's for you!<P>Vent away, my friend. It is amazing-I have not coe across anyone anywhere on this board or elsewhere where the WAW does not have one or more 'friends' advising them. Friends who have failed or failing marriages. Certainly well-qualified to dispense advice. My W has one who I know is urging her to find someone else. She is in proces of nasty D, she has OM. Real winner-great cinficdant for my W. Fortunately, their schedules are not too comaptible any more.<P>This is such a chess match, isn't it? You sound like your head is on straight, and you are keeping the high ground. Good for you. i tink the key ingredient for all of us is patience-so hard to get, so easy to lose.<P>Good luck with your upgrades this weekend, and hang in there. There are lots of friends here rooting for you.

ANB3,<P>You are so right...but get this!<P>My h has definitely an EA, probablp PA with a THREE-times divorced woman, who recently dumped her boyfriend....as I said to him the other night "Well I'm sure she has some great advice from you, since she is such an expert on relationships!"

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>You know what is getting me though? This week I let three good friends in Oz finally know we had separated....only one wrote back. Now THAT stinks!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't be so quick on the condemnation. When I e-mail my four brothers and sisters back in May to let them know of the approaching storm, my divorced and remarried older brother wrote back and called right away, and we've had a few long talks since. One sister wrote back a brief note to express concern; the other two, I didn't hear from for a while. I was talking to my mom one day, and I said "don't they ever check their e-mail?" She said yes, they had both talked to her quickly after I sent the message- but they were both so surprised, they just didn't know what to say. The silent friends of yours may be in the same position- wondering what on earth they could say, shocked to even hear the news.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Take care...and BTW did you answer my post on how you chose your user name....I'm curious about yours!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I never did. But maybe I will sometime this weekend....<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ava:<BR>You should have said it. How can it be an LB if you're not saying it to your wife? Do you have watch what you say to EVERYBODY now just because it may get back to your wife and be an LB?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not <I>everybody</I>, but I do watch myself around my wife's pals. I assume they are extensions of her ears. And some of them are mutual friends, really, so I don't want to put them in between us. I have friends I can lay it on the line to, and I have this forum- that's enough outlet for me.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>Vent away, my friend. It is amazing-I have not coe across anyone anywhere on this board or elsewhere where the WAW does not have one or more 'friends' advising them. Friends who have failed or failing marriages. Certainly well-qualified to dispense advice. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think we all tend to search for people who are in the same stage of life as us. A few years ago, she and I spent a lot more time with other couples, especially with children. Not enough, but far more than we did over the last year or so. The divorced friends were always friends, but over the last year, they became my wife's only regular confidants.<P>I've always found it interesting that her single/divorced friends knew her side of our troubles, were aware of them (in some cases before I was)- but on the weekend she moved out, we phoned at least four married couples to surprise them with the news of our split. Two years ago, we might have invited them all to a cookout in our backyard; this summer, they were apologizing for losing touch with us.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You sound like your head is on straight, and you are keeping the high ground. Good for you. i tink the key ingredient for all of us is patience-so hard to get, so easy to lose.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're right. I have to keep telling myself that she isn't coming back tomorrow- if she ever does, it will be next year sometime at the earliest. Ironically, she has no patience now- she's the one who, after a month of barely trying to stoke the embers, told me her feelings just weren't coming back and that she had to move out. 30 days!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>There are lots of friends here rooting for you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, and I'll say the same for you.<P><p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>My h has definitely an EA, probablp PA with a THREE-times divorced woman, who recently dumped her boyfriend....as I said to him the other night "Well I'm sure she has some great advice from you, since she is such an expert on relationships!"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe I've written this before, but I will again: I still don't understand why my wife has talked to her lawyer friend, who she's known since junior high school, probably her oldest and dearest friend, about divorce proceedings but has never said "hmmm... you've been married to the same man for nearly 20 years now. How have you managed that?"<P>

You're right Train,<P>They probably don't know what to say....everyone, including me thought we had a great marriage.<P>My one friend who wrote back was candid "we're shocked...can't believe this....what happened....we're there for both of you" I appreciated this so much.