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Joined: Jul 2000
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cjack Offline OP
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Well, let's see...<P>Divorced since February. Separated since last August. A little over a month ago, she realized that OM was a total loser, and dumped him. I was pretty happy about that. She had dropped some hints about us maybe working things out, and we'd actually been getting along pretty good, when <B>BAM!</B> she meets a new guy.<P>He's everything she ever wanted in a man. Same age, lives close by, same interests, etc. They have a "connection" (where have I heard <B>that</B> before?), and she thinks this could be something really special. What has her all messed up is that he says he doesn't want a relationship. He's been married once, betrayed twice, and seems to be acting with all the caution of a former BS. She's beside herself...overanalyzing everything he says/does, fretting about every little detail...<P>And I'm a basket case!<P>I <B>know</B> our marriage is over, I <B>know</B> there's no hope of reconciliation, I <B>know</B> I should be okay with this...<P>So why does it bother me so much? Is it because I thought that when she realized what a loser OM was she would come running back to me, and she hasn't? Is it because I see her rushing headlong into another relationship where she'll just get hurt? Or have I just not gotten over her yet?<P>I've been looking for an analogy, and I don't know if this one works:<P>I liken it to a death: Our marriage died a year ago. The funeral was in February. Today was like the day I visited the grave for the first time, and it brought back all the terrible feelings I've had over the past year all at once.<P>Any thoughts?

Joined: May 2001
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You are still grieving and in pain and that is ok, take life one day at a time and keep moving forward. It is time for you to let go of her, if you let go and it is ment to be she will return, do not have any expectation of her returning and get on with your life. I know you don't want to hear that but you can't go on hurting yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. You deserve better and there is alot of good people out there so why let her go on controling you and your feelings.<P>

Joined: Sep 2000
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First of all, cjack, I am sorry that it took me so long to reply. Like the rest of the world, I was off playing today.<P>I can really hear the hurt and pain in your post, and you know what's funny? I bet there are a lot more people out there than you know who also miss their X and kinda wish there was a way to reconcile--even sometimes when they know darn well that it wouldn't be good for them! Even though you are divorced, and there is a paper that says your marriage is over, in YOUR heart of hearts, you married for life and despite it all, some part of you will always love and care for her. <P>Now, most days, you get along quite fine without her. You are confident and independent--maybe not in love--but generally "okay." You have learned a lot about yourself and you have become a better person, a better man, a better husband even. BUT now and then there are going to be days that are what I call "trigger days". Sometimes you KNOW what it is that triggers the sadness and makes you a basket case--for example, on your old anniversary or if you accidentally discover one of her old love letters. Other day, you will NOT know what it is that triggers you--you just feel lonely and rejected, and all the old hurts and pains come back up like it was yesterday.<P>Know what I say? Ride the wave. Accept the fact that there are going to be days like this and let yourself feel them, all the while knowing that probably tomorrow will be a better day. To be honest with you, sometimes I let myself have a small pity party for an hour or two. The other thing I'd suggest is to come here, to your friends, and let us know that you need a little friendly support, encouragement, hugs, jokes or whatever makes you feel better. I like support and hugs, but that's just me!!<P>{{{{{Cjack}}}}} You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight,<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Joined: Feb 2001
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cj,<P>why is there no chance of reconciliation? <P>you're head is telling you to forget her but your heart is not listening. why?<P>i don't even know what to tell ya cj. i'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish she could see what a great guy she has lost and get straight.<P>sending some peace your way.<P>take care<P><BR>

Joined: Nov 2000
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She's still chasing a fantasy. To stop doing so would mean she would have to look at herself which is too painful.<P>She is unable to make herself happy. No one will be able to, including you.<P>Look on the bright side, the OM crapped out. Hooray for the good guys. <P>Your XW has not hit bottom yet. She's looking for anyone to keep her fantasy afloat. She's still looking to justify what she has done.<P>Stay away from her. Let her hit bottom and realize what she has done. Let her learn to make herself happy. She will have to spend a lot of time on her own.<P>Stay away from her. She is desperate right now. She will use her charms to lure you in and most likely leave you again.<P>She must be allowed to hit bottom and get used to living on her own. She must have time to see that being alone isn't so hot. Then maybe...<P>My two cents of course.<P>Kevin<P>

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cjack Offline OP
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Thanks for all the responses on a holiday! Today at work, everyone's asking how my weekend was...I say "great!" with a forced smile!<P>jabber: Letting go is the real problem for me. I guess I never totally let go, thinking there would be another chance after the OM was out of the picture. Wrong! Now I have to deal with the fact that she really <B>has</B> moved on. Thanks for the thoughts.<P>FaithfulWife: Thanks so much! You hit more than one nail on the head. I think I realized something through this: I have to face this pain head on in order to get through it. She was originally reluctant to tell me about this new guy. I told her that since I <B>had</B> to remain a part of her life (for D's sake), I would <B>have</B> to deal with the fact that she would find someone new, sooner or later. In other words, seeing her with someone else is a pain I'll have to face, so I'd better get used to it now! Thanks again.<P>HinAZ: I know there's no chance of reconciliation based on something she said on Sunday. In the past, she always said "never say never." She had always let on that she thought that divorce wasn't final, and that there was always a chance. When she was reluctant to discuss this new guy, I asked her "are we married?" She said "no." I asked "are we ever getting back together?" She said "no" with a degree of finality that I've never seen before. I could just see it in her eyes. Even if she does still have feelings for me, I've been relegated to "you'll always have a special place in my heart, but..." status. <P>As for my heart, well, its just stubborn! Thanks for the help, though!<P>Fatherof1: I've decided that leaving her alone is the best course of action. Since the divorce, I've tried hard to remain friends with her. I've been nice and supportive, helped her whenever I could, etc. It was really just a "post mortem" Plan A. Now I've just got to forget about her and move on. At this point, I need to stop thinking about "then maybe..." That's what hurt me this time around.<BR>

Joined: Dec 2000
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cjack,<P>I can identify with your feelings. When I found out about my EX second affair it hit me harder deep inside. Mainly because I wonder even to this day what is so wrong with me? <BR>Is that kind of what you are feeling? I believe that we all wish that our ws would come to us and tell us they are sorry ect. If we choose to take them back or not is our choice. Our chance for power over the relationship. Even though we know in our minds that isn't going to happen it's still lurking there. I kind of think you are just feeling that let down. I think it's good for your wife to have to worry about this man. He may not be too crazy about a woman who left her H for another man especially if he himself has been through that before. <P>Tomorrow will be a brighter day.<P>Jill


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