I have been reading this BB for the last three weeks looking for advice and info to fix my marriage. This is my first post. I am in desperate need of feedback on how to get my marriage back in order. Here is a quick summary of my situation:<P>About one month ago my wife started discussions regarding a separation. Her reasons behind these thoughts mainly focused on me being emotionally unavailable to her. In many ways she is absolutely correct. I fell into a routine in the last year that did not include paying attention to the needs of my wife. I was promoted into a new position about a year ago and have been overly focused on that job. I now regret that big time! We have been married almost 7 years and have had an "OK" marriage. Or so I thought. We had our ups and downs like all married couples. There was even a point three years ago that I thought she might be having an affair. What I realize today is that I never was able to put closure on that situation and I have held some resentment because I never completely trusted her after that time. I still have no facts and she claims that there was no one else.<P>We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. My heart breaks everytime I think about what she may have to face in the future if we eventually divorce.<P>My wife actually moved out of the house yesterday...September 1st. She took our daughter with her. She found a place about 5 miles from our home. I am going to stay in our house and pay the mortgage until we figure out if we can reconcile or not. I am not sure if we can afford two payments or not. It is going to be rough. <P>My wife is pretty adamant about this separation. She explains to me that this is only a separation, but she does not want to give me any false hope regarding us getting back together. She wants to be able to clear her head and to see if she misses me and wants me to work on me becoming a better communicator. I truly beleive there might already be another man waiting in the wings. Again, I have no concrete evidence other that intuition.<P>Well, here are a few questions that I was hoping to get feedback on...<P>1) With my wife and daughter out of the house, how can I work on our marriage?<P>2) Even though there have been no papers filed, I did do some snooping and found out my wife has talked to an attorney about a "legal separation." She signed some paperwork but I have yet to receive anything. Should I go ahead and retain an attorney at this point?<P>3) How long does it take for paperwork to go through the system.<P>4) Since my wife left the house and took my daughter. Is there something I can do to prepare for future visitation rights. I would like to have my daughter at least 50% of the time. Although, my daughter has a bigger bond with her mother than with me. I am worried about her mental stability and how this insecurity may effect her. Is there a chance that a 50/50 split can happen?<P>5) My wife in the recent past has been very distant, cold and resentful towards me. In the last week, she has really started to talk to me a little more. What can I do to increase this communication now that she is on her own?<P>6) How do I get my marriage back?<P>7) She totally packed up all her belongings. Is this a sign that she doesn't plan on coming back?<P>8) I am pretty devastated right now, any advice for a newly separated man? It got pretty lonely last night and this morning not having them here with me?<P>9) I would like to go to marriage counseling or Retrouville, but my wife says she is not ready for that at this time. Is ther anything I can do to help her realize that we need to work on this togehter?<P>10) My wife feels that I cannot change and be the man she wants me to be. In the last month she has seen a total turnaround in me, but feels that it is onlt temporary and that it stems from the fact that I only changed since she brought up the discussions regarding separation. How can I get through to her?<P>I realize that this is scattered and I am all over the board. I apologize. But I could really use some advice. Things are starting to get pretty bad and lonely.<P>Thank you all in advance for your feedback.

SanDiego Son,<P>I am so sorry to see you in this situation. But, you have come to the right place. Everyone here knows the pain that you are going through right now. I wish I had better words of encouragement for you, but it sounds like she might have someone waiting in the wings. I know this hurts and even if she doesn't have someone, it sounds like she might be interested in someone else and this is her way of "making it easier on you." She is probably in a fog right now and this is making you crazy. Read, Read, Read on this website. There are so many people here with good advise and a sympathetic ear when you need it. Hold your head high, and try as best you can to do the principles on MB's website. Keep posting - God Bless you!!<P>Tina

My H left me on July 24 and has been gone since then. I know the pain you are feeling because when he left, I couldn't sleep that night and many other nights. I kept thinking that he was only playing games and would be back in a few days. Well, he hasn't come back yet. My situation has nothing to do with OM or OW. We argued alot and couldn't communicate.<P>We haven't filed for legal separation or even divorce. That is something I don't even want to think about but I know its possible. I'm not sure how the legal system works in your state but I did contact an attorney about questions I had regarding divorce and he said it takes 90 days after the divorce is filed as long as its a straight shot divorce meaning no problems in those 90 days.<P>My husband packed up all his belongings too. The only things he didn't take were a few sweatshirts. I thought the same thing, that since everything of his is gone, he isn't coming back. <P>I'm working on myself first before I can work on my marriage. There are a lot of good books out there that I have been reading. In order to get your marriage back, you need to work on your problems first. My problem was not being able to sit down and discuss things calmly. I've realized too that I had a few other problems that I didn't even see I had throughout my marriage.<P>My H doesn't live here and I've asked myself the same question - "how do I work on my marriage if he isn't here". I know its impossible to do because you feel that you both need to be together to work on things but like I said before, work on yourself first. Since my H has been gone, we have minimal contact. No phone calls unless he needs something and no going out together.<P>My H and I are currently in counseling. At first he said he wasn't going to go either and then all of a sudden he wants to go. That gives me a positive outlook on our marriage but he is confused and doesn't know if he wants to come back or not. The more I bothered him in the beginning about coming back, the further away he became and he just got madder and madder at me for asking him questions. But I wanted to know how he could just up and say he doesn't know what he wants after being together for a total of almost 8 years. So I stopped bothering him and stopped asking questions and stopped assuming the worst. Now, he is being a little more responsive to me and we actually had a good conversation Friday night and we are suppose to go out tomorrow night. These are things that never happened since he has been gone. And when he left on Friday, he gave me a hug, something else he hasn't done either.<P>You can change but you can't change the other person. They have to want to change themselves. You can prove to your wife that you have changed your ways but you have to work on it. I know that since I have been reading and working on myself, I am a different person. I am a lot calmer about things, and I know my husband saw that when he came over the other night. <P>Hang in there - I know that I was a complete basketcase since my husband left but I'm looking at the positive side of things and I pray everyday that he realizes that this marriage is worth saving. <P>This place has helped me out alot and I'm glad I'm here Keep reading and coming back.<P>

Thanks Rdhead10 and Ela611...<P>It is sure helps to be able to talk with folks who are in the same predicament. You have both given me some great things to think about.<P>I got to tell you though, I awoke alone again this morning and it is very hollow in my home. The depression has an easy way to creep into my head and heart. Top that off with a minimal number of sleeping hours...maybe two at the most in the last week! <P>I realize that I need to take things one day at a time, but after almost 7 years of marriage and companionship, the void is huge!<P>Do either one of you have children?<P>I am hoping that if there is OM in her life, that she gets it out of her system and somehow returns to me and our daughter. I can't imagine another man trying to take my place as my daughter's father. That would be incredibly devastating.<P>I start a new job assignment tomorrow morning and that will pre-occupy me for a litle while, but it is the coming home from work time that will be tough. What have you done to keep yourself busy?<P>Looking forward to your replies!<P>

I have no children - just 2 dogs. I'm left with the entire house to take care of and even cutting the grass.<P>Since my H has been gone all he does is spend time with his friends. He is currently living back home with his parents. As for what I do to keep my self busy, I do little things around here that I wanted to do but never had the chance to do. Such as painting something that needed a touch up, I spend a lot of time with my dogs and I am reading marriage/self help books, coming here and praying to God that my husband will come home and that my marriage can be saved.<P>I know what you mean about waking up in the morning and being alone. At first I would feel like he was sleeping on the couch and never made it to bed that night. Other times I would sit here at night watching TV and waiting for him to come through the door. It was very lonely at first and I couldn't even handle the fact of being here all by myself and coming home from work to an empty house. So many things remind me of him and its hard. Its those things that you really miss.<P>I'm just taking things day by day with a positive outlook. I always tell myself that this marriage can work and it will be alot better than before.<P>I'm not giving up and you shouldn't either.<P>

Hi SanDiego Son,<P>Well, most of us here know that lonely feeling...and it can be really awful. There are some things you can do to pass the time, improve yourself and feel better. Some have been mentioned already, but a while ago I posted a thread called "What do you do to give yourself a lift?" It got a lot of responses. If you use search, and type in that title, it shoud come up for you. I don't know how to do links yet!<P>Take care.<P>Nina

Yes, we have 2 children, 10 yr. old boy and 15 yr. old girl. It has been hardest on our 15 yr. old in that she new about OW before I did. Bless her heart - she has really been through it. At this point my H has lost our daughter. She has no respect for him and he knows it. He has finally figured out that she is not going to "get over it" like he thought and like his buddies told him she would. He just left here for a short visit with the kids and was a little upset that daughter was not here to see him. I always feel a little sorry for him when things like this happen. My children are so close to me and our daughter is so far from him - he is missing so much. I have a friend that has made her children and their father's lives miserable, because of her anger with her XH. I have made a decision that no matter what the outcome, I will try not to do anything to hurt their relationship. Not to toot my own horn, but I am always trying to find ways to get my H and the kids together WITHOUT me. They need their Daddy so much and I think he is finally starting to miss them too. Maybe he will start to miss me?? I think it has been to long for him to miss me now. Anyway, try your best with your daughter - don't put her in the middle, even when and if things get really nasty. I know you are in pain and it is not going to go away any time soon. Keep yourself busy any way that you can. I know my hardest times are mornings and nights. Work, at this point, is my only relief from the hurt and even then sometimes it comes flooding back. In case you don't know my saga - sep. 15 months, he is starting to end a PA with OW - or so he says, but at this point no talk of reconcilliation on his part. No divorce filed for or anything right now. I am in LIMBO!! I pray that things go better for you than they have for some of us here!!<P>God Bless,<BR>Tina

Welcome <B>SanDiego Son</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're in a difficult position...<BR>...but as advise <I>almost</I> everyone...<BR>...do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Just as a reality check...<BR>...if you divorce... the odds are your W will have custody of the child (since your daughter is so young... almost no court court system will take the child away from it's mother (these are the facts!)<P>The only way you'd get custody is if she is a hard core drug addict/prostitute/dealer/gun smuggler...etc...<BR>...(and even then maybe not)... or if she "gives up" the right to be the custodial parent (which is what happened in my case [although my kids were all older 7, 10 & 17])<P>If custody is not an issue, but visitation <B>is</B>...<BR>Plan A is tailor made for you! You are to optimize as much time as possible (with your daughter)... and hope that can carry over toward your W. It could give to ample opportunity to "show her the MB changes you're going through"!<P>The issue of you having <B>VERY</B> frequent contact with your daughter <B>NOW</B>... is a BIG MUST...<BR>If you have any chance at "liberal visitation"... especially once an OM comes into the picture...<BR>...you're going to have to be more forceful in demanding your time (and activities) with your daughter.<BR>Spell out the "full days" you want with her...<BR>Go as far as demanding (virtually) everyday time with her!<BR>Your separated from your W... not your daughter.<P>If you're really hoping for 50% time...<BR>...you need to demonstrate to the courts... how really concerned you are... and they can tell when your faking... so be sincere (I sure you really are) about that time you do spend.<P>Once your W moved out...<BR>...there is little you can do to "control" her return...<BR>...but do show her your changes... every opportunity you get to see her!!! Plan A... Plan A... Plan A!<P>Be... (not play the part of)... but be a "married man"... married to the woman you love! Let your W know you are married to her... and that you have no intentions to file for divorce...<BR>...but your love for your daughter may require protection! (be honest with her... this is hard... but reiterate... your love for her AND for your daughter!)<P>Be patient...<BR>...but (and this will be hard)... be honest!<P>If she finds and OM (or already has one...)...<BR>...he (and discussions of him) are to be avoided...<BR>...and the focus must be on you (and your improvements)... and your marriage!<BR>Don't get sucked into complaining about the OM... in front of your W!<P>If you've been away from your/(a) faith for awhile...<BR>...it's time to rediscover it...<BR>...it (even it has no impact on your W)... can have a great impact on you!<P>You have my prayers...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Wow...<P>Thanks for the great feedback from everyone. Pretty overwhelming so far and very good for me to process.<P>Special Thanks to Rdhead10, Ela611, Ninatoo and NSR.<P>I am now sure that I have found the right place to help me through this temporary situation.<P>I just returned from spending time with my wife and daughter. My wife dropped the 2nd bomb on me. She just told me that she did file for "leal separation" and I should be receiving paperwork anyday. To be honest with you all, this really isn't that big of a deal. I guess I almost expected this to happen this way. One other thing I need to mention, my wife was completely scared and embarrassed to tell me that she had actually filed. She expressed to me that she has seen all the postive changes in me the last few weeks and she realizes she made a mistake in filing. She is going to look into whether or not she can pull it back from the legal system. She now agrees that we need to work out the financial and visitation aspects amongst ourselves. I guess I will have to wait and see how this all unravels. I am tempted to just go ahead and get my own attorney and have it handled that way. On the otherhand, my interest only lies in the welfare of my daughter and only positive feelings for my W.<P>I still can't beleive she actually did this. She said she has already paid the attorney $1000. What a waste of money!<P>Anyhow, I am trying to keep a positive mental attitude and move forward. I don't want this to pull me down. I want my marriage back. I want my family back.<P>Let me know if I am off base with my thinking...again thank you all in advance for your thoughts, prayers and feedback.<P>

Just a couple of points:<P>As NSR said, if you want 50/50 custody, you'd better start working towards that end result right now. Since your W is currently holding full physical custody of your daughter, with every day that goes by you are allowing this to become the normal routine, which will most likely result in her getting full physical custody (in CA, you will have joint legal custody, but the physical custody is the issue you're trying to resolve). If you want 50/50 physical, your daughter needs to be with you 50% of the time <B>now</B>, otherwise it's unlikely that a judge will let you have her 50/50 if you spent the previous six months only seeing her sporadically. Hope this makes sense.<P>Regarding the legal process... Just because your W filed for legal separation, nothing takes effect until she has submitted all the other forms (financial forms, disclosures, etc), and has actually filed for Judgement. Until that time, you are <B>not</B> legally separated. Separated yes, legally separated no. OK?<P>Regarding attorneys, it would be better if you could avoid them, and put together your MSA yourselves. As one attorney told me, it's my choice: I can either divide stuff up between myself and my W, or hand most of it over to the attorneys... So see if you can work out all the property division and custody issues yourselves...<P>Hope this helps.<P>AGG

Thanks AGG...<P>Still looking for the silver lining with all that is going on. I find some peace in knowing that the legal separation is not final until all is in its place. I prayed to God that we are able to work this out amongst ourselves. I really don't want to give the attorneys what we have....its not much, but it should go to our daughter.<P>Your feedback has given a little peace of mind and for that I am thankful!<P>talk to you soon!<P>

Hi San Deigo,<P> Here is my humble opinion and advise, as a woman who was until recently seperated from her husband. (I ask him to move out instead of me leaving.)<P>1. I found it easer to remember the good stuff than the bad while we werer apart. It was also easier to talk by phone, if the conversation turned ugly I could end it and we could try again later. We also went on "dates" it brought back that romantic feeling of the early relationship, was much better than just going to dinner.<P>2. Unless the terms of your wifes legal seperation are unreasonable you probably dont need to contact a lawyer. My lawyer actually advised me against a legal seperation unless visitation or other issues couldnt be worked out between us.<P>3. It takes 7-10 days to have you served the papers.<P>4. Yes I am a mother but I am not against fatehr seeing their children. the # 1 thing to keep in mind is a visitation schedule that causes the least changes to your child routine they have now. If your wife lives only 5 miles away and both your work schedules childs school or daycare schedules permit you should be able to see her a good bit. 50% may or may not be asking too much depending on the situation. Too much shuffling back and forth or too much time completely away from her mom can be very tough on a 2 year old. <P>5. Be available and concerned. Use all the communications option she uses. Phone, letters, cards, email, instant message, voice mail, or whatever. My husband is a lousy communicator and just knowing he was trying to make himself available to try make me feel better.<P>6. Your on the right track. These people here have great advise and insight. There is lots of helpful info in all the articles. Work Plan A and plan on permanent changes not just doing what you have to do to get your marriage back. Make you the best person you can be.<P>7. Not knowing your wife and situation better its hard to say for sure what she intends but I dont think how much she packed really has too much meaning. My husband and I even split the pots and pan when he left. <P>8. I am very sorry you are feeling so bad, but the good news is missing each other is half the point of a seperation. Some times when day in day out gets tough its hard to remember how it used to feel like you couldnt live without this person. Being away you miss them and it helps you decide what is really important and whats not. <P>9. Start counseling alone. Find a therapist that handles all types of family therapy not just a marriage counselor and make an appointment. It can be very helpful to have some help dealing with your emotion adn help you see what areas of yourself you need to work on. Hopefully she will decide to join you later on.<P>10. Time and patience. Anybody can act differently for a month or two. My husband did for 3 months and now acts worse than before we seperated like I am the bad guy for making him leave and not appreciating his being nice for 3 months. So it is realistic for her to think the changes are not permanent until you have had time to prove it. This is another reason to go to therapy even if she doesnt feel ready. Its a big move and shows you really do mean what you are telling her about making permanent changes and wanting to work it out.<P>I hope this helps. <P>

SanDiego - just wondering how you are doing?<P>I'm actually getting some positive feedback from my H because I have been keeping my distance from him. I realized that the more I bothered him about coming back the further away he went. Now I have no contact at all with him except for him calling me. He called me yesterday to tell me that he had to go away for work and will be back Thursday and he wanted to go out to dinner. He said he wanted me to know in case I was wondering why he wasn't calling. He never really called me anyway. He also told me that he has noticed a positive change in my attitude since he has talked to me on Friday. If he was anything like he was when he left in July, he would have never called me to tell me that he was going away for work. He would have cared less about me knowing what he was doing and where he was going. Our communication (something we never had) is going really well, we're actually getting along and talking, something that wasn't being done the first few weeks he left. Our next counseling session is next Wednesday, hopefully things will continuing going in the right direction for us.<P>Just remember - work on yourself first and then your marriage. I was always the type of person with a harsh/bad attitude and since I have been reading self help/marriage books and coming here, my attitude has changed for the good and is continuing to change. It's going to take some time for you to work on things but I think once your W see's positive changes in you, she might become more responsive in a good way. <P>Take care, think positive and keep your chin up <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SanDiego Son:<BR><B>I have been reading this BB for the last three weeks looking for advice and info to fix my marriage. This is my first post. I am in desperate need of feedback on how to get my marriage back in order. Here is a quick summary of my situation:<P>About one month ago my wife started discussions regarding a separation. Her reasons behind these thoughts mainly focused on me being emotionally unavailable to her. In many ways she is absolutely correct. I fell into a routine in the last year that did not include paying attention to the needs of my wife. I was promoted into a new position about a year ago and have been overly focused on that job. I now regret that big time! We have been married almost 7 years and have had an "OK" marriage. Or so I thought. We had our ups and downs like all married couples. There was even a point three years ago that I thought she might be having an affair. What I realize today is that I never was able to put closure on that situation and I have held some resentment because I never completely trusted her after that time. I still have no facts and she claims that there was no one else.<P>We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. My heart breaks everytime I think about what she may have to face in the future if we eventually divorce.<P>My wife actually moved out of the house yesterday...September 1st. She took our daughter with her. She found a place about 5 miles from our home. I am going to stay in our house and pay the mortgage until we figure out if we can reconcile or not. I am not sure if we can afford two payments or not. It is going to be rough. <P>My wife is pretty adamant about this separation. She explains to me that this is only a separation, but she does not want to give me any false hope regarding us getting back together. She wants to be able to clear her head and to see if she misses me and wants me to work on me becoming a better communicator. I truly beleive there might already be another man waiting in the wings. Again, I have no concrete evidence other that intuition.<P>Well, here are a few questions that I was hoping to get feedback on...<P>1) With my wife and daughter out of the house, how can I work on our marriage?<P>2) Even though there have been no papers filed, I did do some snooping and found out my wife has talked to an attorney about a "legal separation." She signed some paperwork but I have yet to receive anything. Should I go ahead and retain an attorney at this point?<P>3) How long does it take for paperwork to go through the system.<P>4) Since my wife left the house and took my daughter. Is there something I can do to prepare for future visitation rights. I would like to have my daughter at least 50% of the time. Although, my daughter has a bigger bond with her mother than with me. I am worried about her mental stability and how this insecurity may effect her. Is there a chance that a 50/50 split can happen?<P>5) My wife in the recent past has been very distant, cold and resentful towards me. In the last week, she has really started to talk to me a little more. What can I do to increase this communication now that she is on her own?<P>6) How do I get my marriage back?<P>7) She totally packed up all her belongings. Is this a sign that she doesn't plan on coming back?<P>8) I am pretty devastated right now, any advice for a newly separated man? It got pretty lonely last night and this morning not having them here with me?<P>9) I would like to go to marriage counseling or Retrouville, but my wife says she is not ready for that at this time. Is ther anything I can do to help her realize that we need to work on this togehter?<P>10) My wife feels that I cannot change and be the man she wants me to be. In the last month she has seen a total turnaround in me, but feels that it is onlt temporary and that it stems from the fact that I only changed since she brought up the discussions regarding separation. How can I get through to her?<P>I realize that this is scattered and I am all over the board. I apologize. But I could really use some advice. Things are starting to get pretty bad and lonely.<P>Thank you all in advance for your feedback.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, your situation seems to be a carbon copy of mine and I would like to talk to you more about this hopefully to benefit us both. My wife and I have been seperated for 9 months now and things look grim but no final decision has been made. I'm real busy at work right now and I'm 3 hours ahead of you on the clock so I'll post a message later and I think I can enlighten you a little on some of your questions. If you are just a few days into this thing believe me I know what you are feeling.....I have a 5 year old son and been married 7 years as well. We'll talk soon. Hang in there....God will provide one way or another.<P>

Thanks for the feedback Kevnc...<P>I look forward to additional feedback. I would love to hear more about your situation and how you have handled things in the past. <P>Thanks again and I hope I can in some way help you in return!<P>Talk to you soon!<BR>

Things have been very busy for me at work lately but I did want to respond to you even if it is brief. Man this is the toughest thing I have ever been through in my life and its a pain that just doesn't go a way and the thoughts worries and anxiety of this situation just weigh on you constantly...I'm sure you can relate. If I can give you any advice at all and remember this is coming from someone whose marriage is still falling apart but if your wife is anything like mine with her hurt and pain you need to give her space and leave her alone about this situation. Just up until recently I haven't been able to do that...I've been trying to fix it myself by pushing her for answers and trying to convince her to work on it....big mistake...its only made it worse. Like I said before we have been legally seperated for nine months and like your daughter our son is caught right in the middle of all of this. I definitely don't want a divorce but this situation is totally ouf of my hands now. Only God can heal what is broken for me and I'm sensing the same for you. You can't do anything right now to make this better for yourself other than giving her time and focusing on your relationship with God and your daughter. I'll tell you what makes this even harder and that's while you are trying everything in your power to reconcile with your wife you still have to plan for the worse from a legal standpoint and start getting things in order from that aspect of all of this. I don't know what your living situation is but I was asked to leave our home on the premise that she would then work on it. That hasn't happened. My wife has everything I own except for my truck and she is in our house with our son. In NC there is a mandatory 1 year seperation period before a divorce can be finalized......I'm waiting for the bomb to drop so to speak. Anyway...if she is dug in and relentless on not working on it you have to protect yourself legally. I don't know about your custody situation. Like you I would like to have my son 50% of the time because we are both great parents but it just hasn't worked out that way for me and I don't know if I want to put my son through a court battle. I have him every other weekend (Friday night-Sunday evening) every Tuesday overnight and every Thursday evening from 5-8pm. Believe me this is not easy because my son and I have a very close relationship. <P>Got to go but don't let the frustration of this situation get the best of you because believe me it can. I'll talk to you soon and hopefully when we both come out on the other side of this thing we will have our families together again.<P>See ya

Well, here is the latest...<P>Once again, I could use some advice.<P>First off, tomorrow is my birthday. Today my wife asked me if I had any plans to celebrate...I told her no(although my friends want to take me out for drinks and dinner). She then proceeded to ask me if I would like to have dinner with her on my birthday. Should I go or should I tell her no thanks. I don't want to have any false hopes!<P>Second, it has only been 9 days since she moved out. i am already having feelings that this may be the best thing for both of us. I am having many visions of life without her. This pains me because deep down inside I would do anything to keep my family together. I am hoping that these feelings are just a way for me to guard my heart from getting crushed even further. Has anybody else had these feelings so quickly after their separation?<P>Also, Kevnc, I still live in our home and my Wife has move about five miles away. My current visitation agreement with my wife is everyother wekend (Friday Night thru Sunday Night), every Tuesday from 5pm - 8:30pm and every Wednesday Night thru Thursday morning. It is real similar to your situation. I am hoping for more time with my daughter, but I almost feel like I don't want to push it at this time. It breaks my heart to have my daughter live in two places when she is only 2 years of age.<P>Anyhow, any veterans or newbies have any advice for the SDSon....<P>Thanks a ton!<P>Also, I have a mediation date set for next week. Even though my wife has filed for the legal separation, she now admits to making a mistake with the filing and would now like to work things out between ourselves. Should I still go ahead and consult an attorney prior to the mediation date. My wife and I make pretty good money (60/40) me 60 her 40 for our overall income. Her attorney puts some figures together when they filed for the legal separation and came up with an astounding $1500/month for alimony and child support. This is almost half of my monthly take home. Is this a normal figure? I am also still paying for our current mortgage and she is getting the benefits from the equity. This just doesn't seem fair.<P>Thanks again for your support!

^

SanDiego Son,<P>My W moved out over 3 months ago now, and I know what you are going through. The first couple of nights were the closest thing to hell on earth - the only time in my life I have ever felt hopeless. I lay on the floor and cried all night - mostly because I missed my baby D, who was only 6 months old then. Now she is almost 10 months.<P>About the legalities, I can't tell you much except that I'm surprised by the amount of the support. My W went to a lawyer and was told that she would get approx 1/3 of my take-home as child support and nothing in alimony - and also that my house - which I owned for 15 years before our marriage was mine. That was HER lawyer talking. Also L told W that she would get custody. In my state, the chance of 50/50 is about nil.<P>Well, things have developed - and W hasn't been back to lawyer (so far as I know) and she says she'll move back in with me if I either get the house renovated or we rent a bigger appartment. I've spent the night over there several times and she has stayed her 3 times in the last 3 1/2 months. She says she doesn't love me, just needs me right now - since she has no other way to live. She has an Emotional Affair (EA) with a guy back in eastern Europe (from whence she also came), and runs up the phone bills etc. with him. He has nothing, and can't get a visa to USA - and I'm not going to sign a passport appliction for our daughter - so W won't go there. Also, she has no job or money of her own. So, she might stay just because she is dependent on me. Not a very good reason, but better than nothing, I suppose. Still, I'm going to keep trying to get her to let go of this guy.<P>Pretty much all my dreams are crushed. I don't think I could ever trust another woman - I mean my W was so sweet, so wonderful, so respectful etc. BEFORE we married. Aren't all women like that? So, either we get back together, or I'm alone for the rest of my life. I'm not sure which is worse. <P>I hope your situation is better.<P>BTW, I see my daughter every day. W wants it like that, and I'm really glad. Baby girls are wonderful! At least this one is!<P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 11, 2001).]

AD...<P>Thanks for the feedback. Your sich sounds pretty compelling. You need to continue working on yourself. If you have any love left for your wife, there is always a chance for a reconciliation on "good" terms. I realize it is probably the toughest thing you can do, but try to give yourself a chance. I think you are putting yourself in a corner when you say you are either going to be with your wife or no one at all. <P>Concentrate on your children, they need you more than ever. I have tried to keep my focus on my daughter and it has done wonders. With all the crap that I have been dealing with, she seems to be my only real salvation.<P>Please keep posting with me. Your situation sounds real familiar and I think we can help eachother. We can also pull in Kevinc and get his feedback. I think he is even further along than we are.<P>Take care!