Hi, this is the first time I've posted although have been lurking heaps over the last year looking for any advice or help that could influence my sad situation.<BR>My live in partner of 3 years standing has just moved out after alcohol and his emotional problems caused too much trouble in our relationship - it's very sad - we used to be so good together.<BR>This may be a little long but it would be nice to introduce myself properly and give some background on the last 18 months of our relationship.<BR>I am divorced (6yrs ago) with two boys (13&11). My 11yo is disabled by Cerebral Palsy and although a bright and happy boy is confined to a wheelchair for mobility - so really I've got enough challenge in my life without someone in it who is not an enhancement.<BR>My partner and I got together 3 years ago, and our relationship was just wonderful, he is a great person and has always been a supportive father figure to the boys who both thought the world of him (they're pretty disappointed with him right now). I know we didn't marry, but we were both very committed to each other and our relationship.<BR>When I got involved with Mike he was sober and was thrilled to be so, it was wonderful to be involved with a man who didn't drink - I loved that we could go out together, have a wonderful time, and that I would come home with the same man in tow that I went out with (I think anyone who has been involved with someone with a drinking problem could relate to what I'm saying here!). However, that has all changed in the last 18 months since Mike began drinking again. Suddenly this lovely man is no longer so lovely anymore - yet he realises that he has a problem with alcohol (he should do, it's contributed to the ruin of about 3 significant relationships before ours). The problem I have is that he cannot seem to stop even though he's fast heading towards nadir. He goes to counselling (has done for about 2 years now) as he had a terrible childhood and was badly abused by both his mother and stepfather. He has great insight and has learned much since I met him, but he seems unable to 'Walk the Talk' - much of his learning seems to go in one ear and out the other! He tells me that he loves me more than anything in the world but he just can't see that he actually loves the drink more than anything else I've been down the road of all the empty promises, the trashed house and possessions when he gets in an alcoholic rage and behaves like a two year old having a temper tantrum (scary when the two year old is 6ft).<BR>Anyway, he's moved out because of the last huge eruption when he frightened the living heck out of myself and 11yo and offered to throw me off the sundeck! I will not live with a person who frightens me or my children - it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.<BR>I have said that there is still a chance for our relationship if he becomes the sober, happy person I first met and he says this is what he wants. He's joined Man Alive which is a guys group here in NZ, is going to the Community Alchol and Drugs service for counselling and is making all the right noises when we talk. We are still seeing each other and I am showing him friendship and compassion whilst taking one day at a time (not sleeping with him - that's over for the time being, I need to protect my emotions) - however I will not take him back unless he is not drinking - maybe not even then as I am scared it will not last and that I'll allow him back and start the whole horrible dance all over again - anyone out there with experience of someone staying sober - like forever? Most of the posts I have read seem to be sober/relapse/sober/relapse - what a nightmare! I was so naive looking back now to think that because he had given up drinking before we met that things would stay that way.<BR>The thing that has just happend that has really rocked my socks is that I opened a letter mixed up in my bills the other day which was addressed to him (oops, genuine mistake on my part) and inside was a DUI ticket (we call it DIC in NZ) and bloodtest result dated 28/8 (2 weeks after he moved out when he said he'd just been sitting crying every night, not sleeping, not eating etc - sympathy, sympathy).<BR>I am blown away - he was moving out to work out all this cr** and now this! I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut - I have given 150% to help this man over 3 years, and I've given and lent him stuff (even after all the nastiness) to set him up in a house on his own so that he can sort his head out in a reasonably comfortable environment without dragging myself and the boys on emotional rollercoaster rides on a daily basis. I dunno, I begin to wonder if I've got MUG tatooed across my forehead! Anyway, I am gutted to think that he would drive around drunk on top of all the rest - he could injure or kill someone and I know that he would NEVER forgive himself if that should happen. He is very self destructive with his use of tobacco, marijuana and alcohol - I begin to wonder if he will succeed in self destructing before too long - things are going from bad to worse for him - and now he will lose his license on top of everything else.<BR>It is just so hard to let your head rule your heart and stand back and watch while it happens.<BR>A lot of his problem is that although he is aware of all the past issues that cause him pain so that he wants to numb out with alcohol or dope, he just cannot seem to move on from them. He's still stuck going on about how life has dealt him a bad hand, how many people he's lost, his disfunctional family etc, etc. After 2 years of counselling is there any hope for this guy? Obviously he cannot be with us while he's in the state he is in - he is not safe to be around when he's drinking and he's a bad role model for my boys.<BR>It's all just a terrible mess and my family (Mum mostly) are very non supportive of the relationship getting back on track - Mum says I'm a flake for even thinking about giving him a chance - am I? I'm getting it in the neck from her as though I could control Mike's behaviour and just wasn't trying hard enough (I haven't even told here about the DUI!) This is hard to take, as I am really hurting here, trying to do the right thing and I could use some support rather than more grief - she doesn't seem to realise that this is 3 years of my life and a relationship I held high hope for going down the gurgler . . . I would really welcome any advice as you all seem to be very kind and supportive people with a lot of experience to offer. Look forward to hearing from you, Jules<P><BR>

Hey Jules,<P>We're neighbours, I'm from Australia.<P>I don't have an alcoholic partner, but I did have an alcoholic brother, who died after mixing drugs and drink.<P>I don't really feel all that experienced to give you advice all the same, but I have read that Al Anon seem to be a good support for the family and friends of alcoholics. <P>They say once an alcoholic, always one, even if they never touch the stuff again, the craving is always there, just like when you give up smoking.<P>I just wanted to welcome you, and someone will surely give you the traditional welcome post soon, giving you links to various articles.<P>You have done the right thing in getting him out of the house, as he is a danger to you and your kids. My parents had my brother live with them for a while, and boy could he be abusive and violent. ANd NEVER remember a thing in the morning. So do what you must do to protect yourself.<P>Take care, and I know there are lots of people here who have had similar problems, so take heart. Weekends are usually slow, though. You might get more responses if you post on the other boards too, like Emotional Needs and General Questions.<P>Be strong. You will get lots of loves here!<P>Jacky<P>

Hi Jules,<P>There is help for him at AA. Not sure about the other groups he's going to, but alcoholics need to be actively in and pursuing AA meetings for the rest of their lives to stay sober.<P>I urge you to go visit your local Al-Anon group. There you will learn more about the disease of alcoholism, and how you play a role and are affected by the disease.<P>There is a good chance that even if you don't take this man back, that you will be attracted to another alcohoic or drug abuser if you don't find out more about this disease. Meetings in my area are free the first time, then we donate a dollar a meeting at additional meetings. <P>I think you might also check out Dr. Harley's Q&A on alcoholism and how it affects marriage building. Very perceptive.<P>My H got sober in April and has been sober since except for 2 minor relapses. He is not violent or rageful which is great. BUT he has not gotten past step 3 of the 12 steps and is still very selfish/inconsiderate. Not sure our marriage will last. Mostly I have been living like a single parent for the past 3 years.<P>But sobriety and recovery are very possible, for your partner AND for you. I would tell you more but I really think you can get so much more out of some al-anon meetings.

Dear Jacky and Married2Alcoholic<P>Thanks for your replies, I agree it would be good for me to learn more about AlAnon - do you know if it's possible to attend an on-line meeting? I work full time and now that I'm solo with the boys I don't know how I would get to evening meetings. Mike was here this morning and I told him that I knew about the DUI - he was ashamed that he hadn't been honest but felt that it would be another 'black mark' against him if he told. He was making a lot of excuses but in the end admitted that "if I hadn't been sitting in the barbers chair, I wouldn't have got a haircut". He knows that he's LB'ing all over the place but seems to think that things are so incredibly bad for him that it doesn't matter what he does, they couldn't get much worse! I guess it's classic alcoholic stuff?<BR>Perhaps you will tell me more if I can't get to an AlAnon meeting - any good book titles to suggest maybe?<BR>Thanks again, Jules

Jules,<P>Al-anon's website is <A HREF="http://www.Al-Anon.org." TARGET=_blank>www.Al-Anon.org.</A> I don't think they have online meetings, but I could be wrong. Some of their meeting there is babysitting provided. Their is also Ala-teen which is excelent for the boys. The 11 year old may be old enough. I don't remember if there were strict guidelines on ages. If you have any way at all of getting to meeting, once you start going, you won't want to miss these.<P>Anyway, hope this helps.<P>ANNA<P>

Yes...there are online Al-Anon meetings, but I would strongly caution you to use those as supplement only. Get to face to face meetings if you can!<P>A listing of online Al-Anon meetings can be found at <A HREF="http://www.ola-is.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.ola-is.org/</A> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by desiderata:<BR><B>Dear Jacky and Married2Alcoholic<BR>Mike was here this morning and I told him that I knew about the DUI - he was ashamed that he hadn't been honest but felt that it would be another 'black mark' against him if he told. He was making a lot of excuses but in the end admitted that "if I hadn't been sitting in the barbers chair, I wouldn't have got a haircut". He knows that he's LB'ing all over the place but seems to think that things are so incredibly bad for him that it doesn't matter what he does, they couldn't get much worse! I guess it's classic alcoholic stuff?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As long as he's drinking his first love will be the alcohol, he can't control his urges to drink. His brain cannot even produce any positive endorphins now because of the alcohol (will take days of being dry for the brain to start producing its own again). Alcoholism is a serious disease that you did not cause, you cannot cure, and you cannot control.<P>I also urge you to look for a meeting you can attend face to face. Some areas have noontime meetings you can go to during your work day. They have the literature there you can buy very inexpensively. I think "How Al-Anon Works" and "One Day at a Time" are good starter books.<BR>