Well, it's been a long time since I logged onto this forum. It was almost a year ago when my wife spilled out all the resentments she harbored against me. For the latter part of last year and earlier this year I frequented this forum alot.<BR>Things have settled down for us but more the settling of being in a controlled suspension of hostilities, not the settling of having come to peaceful resolves. Whereas last year she was suggesting I leave for a while there is no talk of that now. And she has decided to stay herself, for which I am glad since we have two sons. Yet she still does not show much affection. I have complained of this repeatedly but it has never done much good.<BR>She has cut back on her computer time (another source of some bitter arguments) but that has not translated into more time with me. She may sit with me but she still does not act very affectionate. To be fair she does do it sometimes but generally if she knows she's been neglecting me and can tell it by how I act.<BR>Thing is I no longer get mad about it like I used to. In one sense I'm glad about that because if I don't get mad there is no argument. But in another sense it scares me because now I have this inner attitude that I'll be damned if I'm going to torture myself any more over her the way I did last year. I CAN find something else to occupy myself (not another woman). I'm afraid that if she continues to act the way she does much longer that I'll come to a place where I'll have built up an inner wall I'll find hard to tear down if she ever mellows. My kids are a good part of the reason I continue.<BR>My wife has told me on numerous occasions that some men simply don't need to be married if they can't withstand the rigors of raising a family and being responsible. The other day I told her she needs to think along those lines in terms of herself. If this marriage implodes I am the one who will take the blame. People who know my wife like her. She's a people person, very pretty, and treats people well. On the other hand I am more introverted, opinionated (but not quarrelsome)and people generally have to know me a while before they understand where I'm coming from. It will be easy to think that she should never have hooked up with a so and so like me to begin with (we'ver been married for 20 years).<BR>After our troubles began and I saw the immanent demise of my marriage it scared me so bad I read every marriage book I could find. It really did help and awakened me to greivous errors I'd made because of selfishness. I have done much toward correcting these things and continue to do so. Yet there needs to be feedback from the spouse sooner or later. I'm still pretty much alone in my actions. I told my wife that just as she has pointed out that it is crucial for a man to fulfill his role that it is just as crucial for her to fulfill hers. I find meaningful interaction and affection with and from her to be great motivation. We still have sex regularly but outside of that just not enough affections. It makes me feel like persevering. When she doesn't give it, which is most of the time, I still do what I must but it all seems like far more of an uphill climb. I told her that it is crucial that she supply this and that a woman who can't/won't give her husband the emotional support he needs from her doesn't need to be married any more than a man who doesn't do his part.<BR>If things collapse people will think they understand why. They will think I'm the primary cause. They'll never see her part in all this. They'll never know that she just let it all drop while appearing to be the injured party. Not that I care what anyone thinks, but a major source of weariness for me are the things I hear from time to time that someone says about us that has no relation to the reality of our relationship.<BR>There is much more to say than I have room or time to explain. But I find that, once again, since I have no one to tell these things to I'll use this forum to "confess".<BR>

Hi Bruce,<P>I'm going to use a "DivorceBusting" tactic on you...<P>Is your wife ever affectionate with you (in recent past)? If so, can you identify the "surroundings" that this affection occured. If you can figure out what triggers the behavior you're looking for (the affection), you can encourage her to be more affectionate by doing whatever you were doing to trigger it.<P>I'm sorry that things aren't going better for you.

Bruce:<P>It was strange reading your post. Our "stories" are quite similiar. My wife dropped the "don't love you anymore" bomb on me about four months ago. It's a struggle not having any affection at all day in day out. I too have two kids, which are a big reason I'm still around. I still love my wife very much. She also puts on a happy face for her friends and family, so I'm sure I will be labeled the bad guy if we do split up. The part that confuses me is that she says I am a good husband, father, provider, supporter <BR>and generally a good guy. She just dosen't love me anymore after 17 years. Her standard answer to every question I ask her is "I don't know what happened". So, it makes talking together impossible. We don't fight and are nice to each other, but, the lack of affection and sex is starting to take it's toll on me. I need a companion and partner in my life. It's just not healthy living this way. Bruce, I have asked other posters on this forum just how long one should stay in an unhappy marriage. I see you've been at for over a year. I wonder how long I can last. It's sounds as if we're in the same boat Bruce. <P>Kevin

Bruce,<P>I remember you from last year. It has also been a long time since I have posted. I wish I had advice to offer you but in my case the wall got built and because I am unable to tear it down my marriage is over. He has asked for one more chance but how many does one give. Whatever the cost, don't let the wall get built.<P>Steph

Kevin,<P>I don't know how long one should stay in an unhappy marriage. I guess the answer will vary from person to person, what they are able to take and what beliefs they subscribe to.<BR>It's really funny how things go. I wrote my original post out of a feeling of tiredness. That same evening I was home lying on the couch. My wife comes over to me and says, "Do you hate me?" I said why do you ask. "Because I know you don't understand why I act the way I do and I know it bothers you." I told her she was right that I don't understand it at all, but that I did not hate her.<BR>So she sits down and starts looking at TV with me. After about twenty minutes I decide I'm going out to jog. As I get up I decide to kiss her, something I haven't been doing much of because I haven't felt I'd be received properly. But just then I didn't care. Let her react as she will. I planted a nice long one on her lips. She says, "What made you do that"? I said I didn't know, I just felt like it.<BR>The whole week end was uncommonly good. Saturday she was very communicative. She actually lay against me the whole time while we watched a movie today, something she hasn't done for a long time. Darned if I understand this thing. But when she acts this way it makes me feel a lot more hopeful about the future.<P>Steph,<P>Of course I remember you as well. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I still remember very well the things you described about you relationship.<BR>One of the reasons I stopped posting was because I felt I'd come to a point where it was fruitless trying to sustain false expectations. I felt I was using the forum to pump up false hope in myself. I just came to the point where I said whatever happens, happens. I tried the best I could. I remember how hard you tried.<BR>I discovered this week end that my inner wall is not as high as I thought. Just these couple of days of good relations has made me feel very good towards my wife, and makes me want to try even harder to keep things on a good level.<BR>

Bruce,<P>It's funny how sometimes things just come to be and we learn to accept them. I'm happy as a person. I'm happy with my job (which is new btw). I love my children and I have some very wonderful friends. I also know that I did everything in my power to make this work. Some things are just not meant to be. <P>I do wish the best for you though.<P>Steph

Bruce and Steph, How coincidental.....I haven't posted in so long (so long in fact that I needed a new password). But was drawn to this forum today...<BR>Bruce, I don't think you should stay in the marraige just so you don't look like the bad guy. Unless she is telling tales most people will probably think that it just didn't work. I don't think therer necessarily HAS to be a bad guy, Like Steph said, sometimes things just aren't meant to be. I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well for either of you. I also haven't posted because I seem to be in the same ole rut (but I will post for your opinions in a few minutes.)<BR>Good Luck to both of you.<p>[This message has been edited by GBM (edited June 28, 1999).]

GBM,<P>Things are going well...just not in my marriage. I've learned to be happy despite it. I wish you that same peace. <P>Steph

Too weird........Felt the need to post tonight after all those months.....and there you all were.<P>Same old crap going on here, except we have progressed to lawyers now and arguing over marital assets. I have a new job and I love it........and he still makes me feel absolutely worthless and irresponsible.<P>He has started going to AA as well......and I did not even realize that was as bad of a problem as it was. It has helped his anger somewhat, but the awful tension is still here in this marriage.<P>I will not be sorry that we will not be married. I will be sorry that he has been hurt by this, and that our children will be hurt. <P>But.....as Steph says......some things were just not meant to be.........<P>Hope and Blessings to you all,<BR>Maria