I was married for a year and a half. It was my first, it was her third. Her previous two marriages and several of her relationships appeared to end the same way. According to my wife, she was physically and mentally abused by many of her relationships, and seemed to be sincere when she first told me this.<P>However, on Christmas eve of this past year, she had the first of her affairs, and she denied it, but I had all the proof. She asked me to leave that night, which I did. A month went by and she asked me back. During May, she went off her depression meds, became angrier at me, which culminated in her asking for divorce on June 6th. Her reason, something just snapped and she didn't want to be married anymore.<P>To fill in some gaps. My wife tried to commit suicide on the return of our honeymoon, she physically and mentally abused me. And, what she failed to tell me on June 6th, is that she was having an affair with a doctor from her hospital.<P>Laura stopped talking to me altogether after June 6. I made it a point to go to our house and each time I would see a car, the same car, parked in my spot. She denied having any affair, said she didn't know what I was talking about. Anyhow, the reason she asked me for a divorce and to move out by June 10th was because she and this doctor left for Chicago on the 11th. I eventually went into her email at the advice of this doctor's wife (the doctor's wife has known about the affair for awhile, and when I was playing sleuth, I came across their number), and saw that on June 6th she professed her undying love to him. They've flown the country several times since. He is still married, our divorce is coming up within weeks.<P>My problem is this. My wife tried to kill me with her car. We went to court, and she lied. It was thrown out. They have been living together since June 11th. I've been seeing a psychologist. But I still love my wife. She won't talk to me, her lawyer threatened me if I call or email her, and even though she tried to have me fired recently, I can't help that I still love her. I gave her everything but money, which is what her doctor can do. I don't want to sign my final divorce papers, I don't know if I can take her back with everything she's done, but I love her. I have since forgiven her in my mind for the affair, but not for the lies.<P>My questions are: 1) Do I sign the papers or do I let the Pennsylvania law go the 2 years. 2) Should I contact her and tell her how I feel and try to save my marriage, or do I move on. 3) If you tell me to move on, how do I do so.<P>Sorry this post is long, I am confused and looking for help.<P>TIA<p>[This message has been edited by iupgrad (edited September 22, 2001).]

Your wife is doing you a BIG favour by wanting to divorce you. Sign quickly before she changes her mind. I hope the therapist you are seeing will be able to help you to determine why you would want to stay with a dysfunctional person who abused you and almost killed you.

iupgrad,<P>I can't imagine your pain. Or rather, I can <B>only</B> imagine it. Your situation is <B>much</B> worse than mine. My W just has this email/phone thing with a guy and it... well, I just can't...<P>As for the divorce, I can only advise you to act lovingly. If you love her, do what a person who loved her would do. Maybe you know what that is, maybe you don't.<P>For myself, I've thought (and said) that I won't make it easy for my W. If she wants a D, she has to do it. I won't take one step in that direction. Maybe I'll even refuse to sign anything. Realisticly, with consideration for our child, I don't know if I can do that - because just by not cooperating with the process I'm afraid that I will jepardize my opportunity to keep a relationship with my child.<P>So.... If I were you, probably I wouldn't sign - but I know it won't make your W love you.<P>It sounds to me like you kind-of fell in a hole - I mean falling in love with this woman was a mistake in the first place. Probably you were lonely, she was nice to you, etc. etc. You believed what she said when she said what you wanted to hear, but not when she said what you didn't want to hear. Yes, probably you are better off without her, but... then there is the mystery of marriage... something that whispers to us in our inner parts - telling us that we have to hang on because the dream can become real even if nothing we see is anything like what we dreamed. People change. That is an amazing fact. She might change. The odds are against it, but it is possible. There's about a 10% chance that one day, maybe, she'll look at you and say "thank you for believing in me - for hanging on for me".<P>My W says she doesn't want to be married to me - but she knows that we have been through a lot together - that she has done a lot to me - and I forgave her - and still love her and want to live with her - and she says "maybe nobody else will be so patient as you are". Still, she want's somebody, seemingly anybody, other than me. Maybe it will pass. Only time will tell.<P>My W too has been suicidal at times. I knew about it before we married, but I thought she was beyond that. I'm sure your W is a complex person who has been hurt many times in her life. She probably doesn't really know what she wants - is afraid, confused. If you stay steady - to love her even when she abuses you, it will lodge somewhere in her mind. My W abused me too. A month or maybe 6-weeks after the wedding the police came to the house because she called 911. She was just playing with me, 'cause I told her she as acting like criminal - so she said "go ahead, call the police!" - and dialed 911 and handed me the phone. I just hung up. I should have stayed on the line and said "oops, we were just testing the emergency function on our phone" or something like that, but when you dial and hang up - they know where you are - and they called back - ended up sending a Sherrif's deputy - who check to see if we were ok and told us to be nice to each other. I never in my life expected to have that happen in my home. Never!<P>Maybe there are some similarities between our situations. I think part of the problem is that my W lost respect for me. Whatever she asked for (almost), I would try to give her or do for her. She bossed me around and I conformed like a mouse - so she didn't respect me. I figured out (after she moved out) that I needed to stand up to her. Maybe that applies in your case too.<P>Why did <B>you</B> move out? If she wanted out, she should have left. She told you to move out and you did what she said. I'm just saying this because I feel like my experience has some similaries to yours. Many woman expect men to be strong - to stand up to them. When you don't, they lose respect for you. This is not MB orthodoxy - but maybe you would read about it in Dobson's "Love must be tough" book.<P>So, maybe saying "NO" now might have an effect. She might start to gain some respect for you. Maybe you should move back into <B>your</B> house and tell her that her boyfriends are not welcome there. She wants you to "be a man" - fight for her.<P>Ok, I've said enough. Remeber that my marriage is all messed up too and I have no qualifications to advise anybody about anything.<P>I wish you the best.<P>Oh, and one more thing... June is only 3 months ago. Her mind is quite changeable and WILL change one way or the other. Putting the brakes on the thing seemed to help in my case, maybe it will in yours - just to gain time for your W to change her mind.<P>-AD<BR><p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 23, 2001).]

Iup,<P>Please re-read your post. "Very Slowly". How could you still be in love wife your wife, she tried to kill you with her car. <BR>Are you seeing someone that can help you sort out your feelings, do it now. Sign those papers and don't look back. Start working on yourself and let go of the poison before it kills you. Take this advice and run with it.

IuP, Your post scared me, literally. My H is involved with a woman who has been divorced three times...i have often wondered why, at the age of 36 this woman could not hold even one of her three men???<P>Maybe she is psychotic too....<P>At MB, they only tell you to get out if the relationship is abusive or dangerous, and CLEARLY yours is...get out, before she really does kill you.<P>Sending light your way,<P>Jacky

Thank you to all who have replied.<P>Yes, I am going to therapy with a psychologist. At 32, my wife had been married 3 times and engaged 7, I truly trusted her when she told me why her relationships failed, and I'll assume she realized she told me that each was due to another man. I tended to believe that her sexual history was due to the fact that her step-grandfather sexually abused her until 6. But when I brought that issue up to her parents, they looked at me like I was crazy.<P>Anyhow, we've known each other for 18 years, and now that the friendship is gone, now that I know she has another man, it made it very unstable for me. So I did reach out for help before something stupid occured to me. Yet, I don't miss what she did or how she treated me, and yes, I realize she is poison, but why do I feel like I love her still. I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and errands, yet even though she didn't lift a finger, I still find myself in love. I don't believe in divorce for this reason, and I tend to agree that if I held out it would show her that someone does care.<P>At 34, I felt I waited long enough, had done 15 years of 4 different relationships, so I thought she was it. Now, she emails this doctor all the lies she told me about her other relationships, which makes me feel like she needs help, and I still want to be that person to help her. <P>Confused, yes. Dazed, yes. Love isn't supposed to be this way. I keep reading stories and I try to get stronger, thanks for your support.