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Joined: Oct 1999
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I was the one that filed because I couldn't take my exh continuous affair for over two years. I don't think if I hadn't filed he would have even bothered. Why should he he had the best of both worlds. Now he has his divorce he is living with the OW and now are they really happy? I know he wouldn't tell me if he was happy or not. He continues to try and guilt me into selling him our house but for less than market value. Says that everyone is telling him that they don't understand why I won't let him have it if I don't want to keep it. DUh he cheated and walked away from our marriage and now he is asking me to do this big favor for him. I asked him to do a big favor for me too quit seeing the OW and work on our marriage he sure the he** didn't do that for me.<P>So I guess my question is just how happy are all the WS's that finally get the divorce are living with the OP and got supposedly what they wanted. I think my exH is living with the OW because he really had no place else to go except home to his parents and at 37 that wouldn't do. He could have rented a place of his own but that would have meant spending his money on rent and utilites rather than beer and partying. This way he stays there for free and they are able to party all the time. And I am home paying ALL the bills right now until the house is sold.<P>Maybe it is revenge I seek or something for them to hurt just a little like I have. Is it wrong? And maybe one day my exH will see just what he had to give up for this OW then will she be worth it all. For gosh sakes he can't even admit that he loves her so what is there in the relationship? I guess I will never know.

Joined: Nov 2000
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bc, <P>My WS XW is not happy from what I can tell. She is a total pain. She assaulted me the other night. I told her to stop or I would have charges brought against her for assault. She feels extremely guilty about all of this. She keeps prompting me to date; I presume to make her feel less guilty.<P>She continues to do things that are not in her nature (ride motorcycles and drink wine). My daughter told me that she drinks wine and said she said that wine is a "love drink". The OM's XW said he was wierd. I've seen other evidence of this too. I guess it's rubbing of on my XW. I think my XW keeps playing a part in a fantasy. I think she keeps telling herself that everything is wonderful, even though it isn't.<P>Affairs are about those having them. <P>My XW hasn't figured out that mostly she's unhappy because she is unhappy, not because I caused it. If I was the cause, then she should be happy now.<P>Hold fast and do what ever you want to as far as the house is concerned. I think the mere fact that he and his deluded friends are pushing you to sell it for less than it's worth is that he is unhappy and thinks having the money will make him happy. Don't give in; he won't be any happier, you won't get him back, and you will just have less money which hurts you.<P>My XW calls me trying to justify herself. She tells me to just leave her alone so that she can move on with her life. If that were true then why is she calling me? I seldom if ever call her and it is always about our daughter.<P>If they were really happy then they would be too busy doing the things that make them happy rather than bugging us.<P>Hold firm,<P>Kevin

Joined: May 2001
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All I can say is father of one was reading my mind, i thought I wrote that for a minute LOL. I think mine feels much quilt and pain, because she keeps trying to hurt me, I have nor contact with her, but she keeps calling and leaving cruel messages and telling me to leave her alone. She still blames me for everything that she has done. Just like father of one said. She should be so happy now that I am gone but she is miserable. The kids tell me the OM is a jerk and that he seems discusted with her most of the time. The therapist says they will go to great lengths to prove what they did was the right thing. So i quess they are both still in the fog. My life keeps getting better, because i have done all I could do.<P>

Joined: Dec 2000
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My EX is married to his OW. Happy, I don't know. I do know that he is still taking his prozac which in all reality may give him a greater sense of being happy. I think he is happier with her than she is with him though and I wouldn't be surprised that someday she says adios.<P>JIll

Joined: Feb 2000
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My ex is still with OW. I think he has periods of happiness, but I don't think he's quite as happy as he tries to let on. He traded in one set of problems for a whole set of different ones! I'm not so sure knowing what he does now, if maybe he would have tried a little harder to work out our problems. Knowing what I do of the situation, I think right now, I'm the lucky one!

Joined: Jul 2001
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My ex got other woman pregnant and according to what he told my girls ----- the right thing to do was to marry her. She already has an 8 & 5 yr old and at age 40 he is starting over and has a 20 month old. Is he happy??? Don't know, don't care, all I care about is him leaving me alone. I prayed she would make him happy enough so he would stop playing the head games with me and stop hurting my girls. He used to say he would trade me in when I turned 40 for a woman half my age. He got what he wanted, she is 10 years younger than he is.<P>He has left me alone and the last time he called and tried to play the blame game on me, I told him don't call here again, I have nothing to say to you. I haven't talked to him in probably 4 or 5 months. All I care about is my girls having a descent relationship with him. He bought a house around the corner from me and I told him a long time ago you are more than welcome to pick up the girls anytime you want, I just ask them to call me and let me know where they are.<P>I hope he is truly happy with the other woman and for the baby's sake. And the funny thing was, I was the one that had the affair, yet he found someone the very first weekend I picked up the girls after I left, how ironic. It really doesn't matter to me, I was emotionally withdrawn from the marriage years before. But I do have to ask myself, was he having an affair before I did????

Joined: Sep 2001
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:<BR><B>bc, <P>My XW hasn't figured out that mostly she's unhappy because she is unhappy, not because I caused it. If I was the cause, then she should be happy now.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, yes, yes!! I tried to tell my stbxh that he might be depressed, but he won't even consider it. Maybe the mc will be able to see it.<P>(Somehow it just helps when you see a sentence that hits so close to home - just knowing that others feel the way you do. Thanks!)<BR>

Joined: Mar 2000
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My STBX recently TOLD me he isn't happy (after I had told him I am basically very happy). And I believe him. He is still living with the OW. He's gained weight, he looks bloated and raggidy, etc. (I think he's still drinking pretty regularly) Even our mutual friends have noted how "bad" he's looking.<P>He does, however, feel relieved. And who wouldn't be...no responsibilities, no one counting on him, no accountability, no working things out....just everything his way. That would be a relief to just about any person, I imagine.<P>But happy....no.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>BTW: I'm going on two years myself...and if he doesn't file by the end of September, I will. Actually....doesn't seem so bad.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited September 24, 2001).]

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Yeah, it's interesting how often the WS complains that the BS won't leave him/her alone, when it's the WS initiating the contact. It makes no <I>rational</I> sense. That particular phenomenon hasn't occured in my own situation, but my wife <I>did</I> shock me by accusing me of stalking her (I even got hauled into the magistrate's hearing room to answer her charges), when I can't imagine how I could have given her more space.<P>I don't think my wife would have made the accusation unless she believed it to be true. And the astonishing fact is, to my wife it <I>is</I> true. I really <I>am</I> stalking her. Oh, not the flesh-and-blood me, no. Rather, the image of me that has supplanted the real me in my wife's mind. The personification of her guilt and self-doubt. I am everywhere she goes, threatening her security, because to her, I <I>am</I> her. I am the part of her she does not want to face.<P>This is called <I>projection</I>, and it creates a terrible dilemma for the WS. If the WS ever does break his/her ties to the BS, the WS will no longer have a "screen" on which to do the projecting. How then will the WS be able to handle his/her rejected feelings?<BR>

Joined: Nov 2000
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Damn, Gnome...<P>Going way deep on us here. I had to get a beer to slow down and read your post a few times to get it to sink in. <P>Thinking...<P>Thinking...<P>So, what have we learned here boys and girls? We don't want to be the screen. They throw spit wads at the screen.<P>LOL<P>Kevin

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And...<P>Sooner or later, that projector bulb pops and has to be replaced.<P>That screen is always there and can easily be cleaned off and made new again.<P>Kevin

Joined: May 1999
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Well, he's got little responsibility, no need to ever work again if he doesn't feel like it, and since he has made it perfectly clear that seeing the kids a dozen hours a month is plenty, missing his family is obviously not a problem for him. <P>It has become painfully clear that that core belief, "Money doesn't buy happiness" is hogwash.

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Well...being the WS I guess I can answer this too..<BR>Am I happy? Yes, for the most part I am alot happier than <BR>I was..Am I still hurt and angry about some of the things<BR>that contributed to the end of the marriage..Yes, I am..<BR>But, I am happier..I no longer take medication for depression..I no longer worry about being accused of things I didn't do (even b4 the A)I am no longer responsible to send him money when he's broke because he drank all his away..I no longer feel the guilt for wanting more out of a relationship..so I guess in many ways...it is going to depend on some things..like if the marriage was abusive in anyway..my stbxh was emotionally abusive and mentally abusive..so in many respects..I am much happier because I don't have to deal w/ that anymore..

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I am not sure that the WS will ever find true happiness. They went outside the marriage to find something that was lacking, but when the dust settles, they will find out that they may have gotten what they thought they were missing, but now they have lost everything else. This causes a lot of new 'missing things'. It could be a very long and drawn out cycle.<P>My ex is currently living with the OM. I hear stories every now and again. Apparently he brow beats her, makes crude and snide comments to her and about her, and basically is a complete jack [censored] towards her. She looks horrible, and no longer has that spark in her eye that I once remember seeing. The funny thing is, I don't care one way or the other. I don't feel one bit sorry for her. She chose this path, and now she gets to see the consequences of her actions. My life has seen some vast improvements, and I am taking day by day.<P>Griz

Joined: Oct 1999
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Thanks for all the responses. I think that like one said they look outside of the marriage for something that is missing and when they find it what have they lost in the process. My exH was looking for someone to sit on the barstool next to him and drink and party all the time. I didn't want to do that anymore so the OW was right there doing exactly what he wanted and liked to do. She is a first class "barfly". But what did he lose? We have no kids so it wasn't his family, but he is losing his house actually we are both losing it, something that he put a lot of work into and he isn't happy about it. He is losing a wife that did everything she could to give him the toys and things he wanted. And what did I get......traded in for a two bit fluzzy. So maybe it will take some time to sink in but last night when I talked to him for the first time in a week he acted like he might be realizing what it cost him. I told him that the house would be sold and not to him which I legally can do and that he made his choice as to who he wanted and it wasn't me so he would have to live with that. I also told him that I was there to work on our marriage and I can live with myself and the fact that I tried and I didn't have the affair he did.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bc:<BR><B>Thanks for all the responses. I think that like one said they look outside of the marriage for something that is missing and when they find it what have they lost in the process.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But the true happiness comes from within..and until they can find that..it doesn't matter what they lose financially or materially what the cost is..and it really isn't until they face themselves in the mirror and realize what they need that they come to understand what they have truly lost by the choices they have made..<P>I personally as gave up alot financially..to have a my mental and emotional health..and all the money in the world<BR>wouldn't make me go back to that..and believe me with some of the financial struggles I've been through in the past year..I've considered it..but it keeps coming back to one thing for me..is that price worth it?? Is giving up my emotional heathly and mental well being to be financially secure worth it? and the answer for me is NO..<P>now, if I seen real changes in my stbxh..and I mean REAL CHANGES..changes that would have to be seen in the course of a longer than a year..then maybe..but I wouldn't want to sell my soul again for 30 pieces of silver to be financially secure..so like I said before..it all depends on what the marriage was like..on if they can find that true happiness..<P>And I pray for all here that their spouses do see what is they are losing and will change..and go back to their spouses..but unfortunalty most have to hit rock bottom before they can actually look up and see what it is they lost..<P>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ThornedRose:<BR><B> But the true happiness comes from within.. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess I got that dead on when I told it to my WS XW when she was leaving. The only person that can fill that hole she has is herself, not me and not the OM.<P>Kevin <P>


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