Hey, <P>I always felt kind of left out because I wasn't in plan A or B. I just recently figured out I am in plan "C" "Run like heck and never look back." <P>I'd love to hear from those of you who are in this plan with me, or who are "plan c wannabes". [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img].<P>Take care,<P>ANNA [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Heck!!! Is that better Randy? hehehe<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

I am divorced and I have no contact, I don't think I could ever take her back, she has done everything possible to make sure I wouldn't want her, I do still love her in someway and still wait the day that I might have a say, I was treated like I never existed and when there was contact you would think I was the worst person that ever lived according to her. So I think I am in plan C or B- not sure which, But no matter what it still hurts like heck and still gets me down.

Anna:<BR>I think that my wife is trying like h$ll to put me into 'plan c'. I love my wife very much, and nearly came apart today thinking about what I had lost, however, she treats me the same way jabber's w seems to be treating him. To my w I am nearly a non-entity. She doesn't treat me like the enemy, she hardly treats me any way at all.<BR>Any more of this from her and I will be plan c-ing in a big way.<BR>JC, does this hurt.<P>vb_guy<p>[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: vb_guy ]

I swear I just posted something almost like this just a couple of hours ago - but I can't find it!!<P>What I said was we need a forum for those not planning and fixing. We know it's broke and we don't want to fix it!! There are those of us out there and we need each other, too!! Divorcing/Divorced sounds like a really good place for us, but too many people in there still planning while they're standing in front of the judge!!<P>I just want it over. Literally, one day I was married to my wonderful husband and the next day he was a completely selfish, arrogant, cold, horrible stranger. Obviously I don't have enough words to describe him.<P>I'm all dressed up in a low-cut dress and a push-em-up-squeeze-em-together bra and looking good from my divorce diet, and going to the symphony with my 15 year old son. When you've been rejected, you desperately need the affirmation of a man's appreciative glance that you still look good. And I do.<BR>Too bad H won't be there to watch. Ya know, I really really want to rent a good looking guy and show up with him somewhere where I know H will be. I just want to see his reaction. Well, I might just want to keep the good looking guy around, too, IF I EVER FIND ONE!! Hey, you don't have to look like Mel Gibson - just have his personality.<P>Oh how I do go on. So sorry.

Hey Jabber, VB and BB,<P>Well, I've decided I'm probably the biggest plan C'er there is. <P>BB, I am such a die hard "c'er" that I don't even want stbx to see me in my finest. Dang he may want me back, and I don't ever want that. Matter of fact I don't like seeing him at all.<P>VB and Jabber, I'm sorry you guys are having so much heartache, but glad you are both on you guys are moving on.<P>Talk to ya'll soon,<P>ANNA<p>[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by billbailey:<BR><STRONG>I swear I just posted something almost like this just a couple of hours ago - but I can't find it!!<P>What I said was we need a forum for those not planning and fixing. We know it's broke and we don't want to fix it!! There are those of us out there and we need each other, too!! Divorcing/Divorced sounds like a really good place for us, but too many people in there still planning while they're standing in front of the judge!!<P>I just want it over. Literally, one day I was married to my wonderful husband and the next day he was a completely selfish, arrogant, cold, horrible stranger. Obviously I don't have enough words to describe him.<P>I'm all dressed up in a low-cut dress and a push-em-up-squeeze-em-together bra and looking good from my divorce diet, and going to the symphony with my 15 year old son. When you've been rejected, you desperately need the affirmation of a man's appreciative glance that you still look good. And I do.<BR>Too bad H won't be there to watch. Ya know, I really really want to rent a good looking guy and show up with him somewhere where I know H will be. I just want to see his reaction. Well, I might just want to keep the good looking guy around, too, IF I EVER FIND ONE!! Hey, you don't have to look like Mel Gibson - just have his personality.<P>Oh how I do go on. So sorry.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hey BB,<P>I am for rent and I am handsome just like Mel....You can ask Anna because I sent her my picture and she agrees that I am drop dead cute!!!!!!!! She does mention Oil of Olay to me but it was not the best shot of me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I know what you are saying here ....but I dont think the X's care about anything but themselves, so even if Mel were to accompany you it would mean little to WS. It would mean a lot to you though [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] hee hee so push em up stick em out and find that Mel guy....<P>You really made me laugh.........Thanks<P>Randy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Anna2000:<BR>[QB]Hey, <P>"Run like hell and never look back." <P>Hey you,<P>Hell is a bad word...I am shocked young lady.<P>Yes we need a Plan C board.<P>Take care<BR>RAndy

Anna2000. I like this plan C. I have been in plan c for a while. I guess it means that you are emotional dead for your SBXS, I know I am. In order for you to become whole again you need to detach or leave behind the memories and feelings you had for your SBXS. If you are the BS then it comes from months of receiving nothing back in return, no love, warmth or concern. Plan C becomes very appealing. Since I said goodbye emotionally and realized that it wasn't me that filed and it wasn’t me that had numerous A's and it isn't me that is dysfunctional. I have become stronger.<P>For some this is not an easy process for others plan C is just a natural form of self preservation “it tells us we are OK". I wish my marriage had gone the other way for myself and my three children, but it didn’t and that is the way it is. I look at what I have, three beautiful kids “ I will get custody”, I’m young , but this whole ordeal has aged me, I'm successful and I might become even more successful now that I don’t have to contend with the lies and deceit any longer. So I agree that Plan C does work for those who choose not to continue the marriage. “You can not make someone love you but you can choose to be loved”

ya know, this sorta puzzles me. I can see spouses questioning and leaveing marriages, but I can't see trashing the bs either verbally, or by neglect. I suppose it sometimes is some kind of survival thingy, a need to emotionally distance oneself from that which they are trying to change. But some of the ws seem completely heartless, I can't help but wonder (looking back) whether most of you ignored the signs of the apparent personality disorders that must have been there all the time. Contrary to popular notions of moose worms and alien abductions, people do not change much in their lives, your spouses behaviour was predictable if you looked closely enough (admittedly we are not skilled, or motivated to do that, marriage is generally an optimisitic activity). I would suspect many of you were married to sociopaths. You should read up on it, might help you with closure, and more importantly AVOID sociopaths in the future, since you already know you are vulnerable. <P>Sociopaths are strange creatures, often very personable, well-liked (even when you KNOW they are a sociopath), often hard workers productive people, etc. But they have a fatal character flaw, they literally are incapable of feeling the effect they have on others. They are master manipulators, using everything from woe is me to anger to control. They fine tune their techniques to match YOU, and what works. We even end up feeling sorry for them, incredible as that seems...do any of you feel sorry for your spouse? We want to love and fix them, it is truly awful. They are revealed two ways, one is that children see through them, they can put on a good picture as a parent, but the lack of connection is there to be seen if you look, they use the children for the picture, they go through the motions, but it is on their terms, not the kids. And when they are thwarted, when the rules are not followed, they usually get very angry, inappropriately angry, or respond in some other odd manner, anyone who describes their marriage as walking on eggshells is at high risk a being married to a sociopath. They are so good at "pretending" that you think they must love you, and so good at micro-managing you, you don't even realize you are being controlled, and they often do so by sutlely keeping you off-balance. <P>They pick away at your self-esteem, you are never quite right, love is always somehow conditional, and so forth and so on. People live their lives like this with such individuals, sadly, but they live the picture, never really happy. However when a sociopath decides you have outlived your usefullness, they change in the blink of an eye, you indeed are nothing to them, they no longer need you, you are disposable. This is incredibly painful, but it is not about you, it is about them, you were in the hands of a monster, be glad you escaped. These monsters do not wear horns, or slobber at the mouth, they look just like you and I, but they are very real, and their are lots of em, and they do not marry each other (for obvious reasons), they marry YOU, they feed on you, they consume you, and throw you away. Why do such people exist? Who knows, but it is not your job to love em or fix em, just get away from them as fast as you can, they are dangerous to your mental health, and they cannot be fixed, it is a permanent condition.<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]

Sociopaths: hey you finally defined yourself SNL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey all!<P>I was married to one of those sociopaths that sad-n-lonely speaks of. <P>I was married to him for too long but I stuck it out because of my vows and my children. Even when he left I went thru a plan A. I did this for me. I felt better about myself as a human being. He imposed a sort of plan B since I don't have to see him. He doesn't see our kids but maybe 2x a year. Rarely calls either. So, when I see him, I still do a plan A on my kids behalf. I want to show them that although he hurt me for so many years, I can still be civil towards him. I'm not trying to win him back, just trying to make myself feel good. <P>The process of MB is one that can help you come out of a terrible mess as a survivor. And you will have no regrets. <P>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Mitzi ]

sad n lonely,<P>The first time I read your post I totally read it wrong. So I just went back and reread it. However I think you made good points to stay away from these types of people, but I think you have such an anger problem that you need to work on that yourself. I can see this in this post and other post. <P>You are letting what happened in your marriage eat you up. If I am right you need to stop this. The MB site is to try to figure out what you did wrong in your marriage and become a better person, not try to figure out that your spouse is a monster and what things they did wrong.<P>I may be wrong but it seems to me your spouse may have gone for years wanting you to change and one day gave up on that and totally turned you off and never turned that switch back on. Just look inside you and make changes so your next marriage won't be like your first. Stop the blame. We are all not perfect and we all have changes to make in our lives. Find out what your changes need to be.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

**CRYING** but think I am heading towards running.<P>see threads in Resolving conflict. Imature Husband and What am I doing wrong.<P>-kat-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by -Kat-:<BR><STRONG>**CRYING** but think I am heading towards running.<P>see threads in Resolving conflict. Imature Husband and What am I doing wrong.<P>-kat-</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kat,<P>I'm checking your threads out right now. Things will get better.<P>ANNA

Kat,<P>I read it and posted. I think you should copy and past a thread on EN and DD. You will get more responses to your problem.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]

Well, I've been thinking about giving up - I guess that would put me in plan D.<P>My W thinks I got something great out of our marriage that I should be grateful for - but really all I got was 3 years of agony - since she went off her rocker right from the beginning. Just last night I came to the conclusion that I have to learn not to care about her. Tomorrow I may change my mind again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>She's afraid of what her life would be like if she divorces me - and I agree with her that she not live her live by fear. I think that if we get back together, it will just be until the next crisis. If she breaks up with OM, she will be looking for another OM.<P>Maybe all I ever felt toward her was a mix of pity and compassion. Maybe it's not love at all. Just now, forgetting all about it sounds like a good proposition - except that we have baby daughter - 11 months old today - and I want to be her Dad, but I'm afraid that I never will have the chance. It's so painful to have to see my W when I see the baby - since I very much want W to love me - and I care about her. I have to learn to stop caring about her. Then, I can just visit the baby and think about my daughter and pretty much detach from my W.<P>This can't be a tactic just to get her to "realize how much she is losing", but just a matter of facing reality. I married an immature and unstable person who, as she now claims, never loved me - just said that she did for whatever reasons - maybe just because she wanted to play "love" - until she found somebody more interesting. So, if I realized that she is not and has never been the person I thought she was - and will never become that person, then maybe I can stop caring - and give her what she wants - a divorce.<P>At least, least that's what I'm saying today. I can't say that I really "feel"<BR> anything right now. Maybe she's just a bad habit that I have to break - which is hard because she's the only woman I've ever loved - the only woman I've ever even kissed.<P>I'm rambling... Maybe Plan C (really plan D) is for me.<P>-AD

Hmmmmmm Plan C, mine is more like Plan E<BR>It's hard to run like heck when I see xh every Mon-Fri at work. <BR>We have settled into a comfortable place in our communication and interactions. <BR>However, I have absolutely NO desire to ever be married to him again. <BR>I'm sure that if we didn't work together we would never see eachother. We have no kids so there is no reason to.<P>Some "nondivorced" would question why we stay on this board, my reason is that it gives me the tools to continue to communicate with xh. And when I do meet Mr Right I will know what it takes to make a relationship the best it can be.

To All<BR>SNL is right on the money! I have a degree in this area so I can tell you that what he says about a sociopath is text book. Come on guys, you may not like SNL but don't discount what he says here, "Don't shoot the messenger".<BR>You can look this up yourself. I believe SNL is just giving information, not saying his wife if a sociopath. <BR>If you are indeed married to such a person, then knowing this can help you to disconnect and NOT take it so personaly.

To All who responded.<P>Thanks for all your comments. I am sending a request see if we can get "moving on" forum added. I hope all who would like this would send a request too.<P>ANNA

Plan C worked for me!<P>There is just no Plan A'ing or B'ing with an abusive person who doesn't think there is anything wrong with what they are doing. So my best option was get out with what's left of your pride and sanity, and I did it.<P>You could have NEVER made me believe that life after divorce could be so happy. YES there is still a lot of hard stuff to go through. YES the kids are affected, I can see the results daily. YES dating really bites. YES I feel like a failure even though I was not the one refusing to change or get help. But in situations like mine, you can only choose to be a victim (and let your kids grow up watching), or choose to not be a victim (and give your kids a shot at not repeating the cycle).<P>I am happily divorced. It might make me a minority in a MarriageBuilders forum, but I still feel like I "fit in" here at the Divorcing/Divorced board as much as anyone can "fit in".