He took the 4 youngest kids out to dinner as he does each week. The kids gave him birthday presents that they had made/bought for him. He then announced that he had married the OW. <P>Two of the girls came home in tears. Our son says he doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. It apparently went completely over our littlest's head.<P>He didn't even say when this event took place. Last week our 5 year old grabbed him as he was leaving and said she wanted him to stay, and then said out of the blue and over and over, that she wanted him to marry Mommy again. He told her that he didn't think that would happen. I don't know if that had anything to do with his telling them that he had married the OW - I don't even know if he had done so by then. <P>I hate October. We married his first wife in October, 1971 (and she left him two months later). We met in October, 1974. To the best of my knowledge, the first time he met the OW was in October, 1998. The divorce hearing was in October, 2000, although it wasn't final until 2001.<P>I just realized that our daughter's asking him to marry Mommy again happened one year and one day after the divorce hearing, which she was far to young to be aware of. If I were superstitious, I would find that coincidence hard to believe. While we were at the divorce hearing, this same daughter developed a fever of 103 degrees, although she had been well when I dropped her off at the babysitter's, and well when the sitter put her on the school bus. The school tried to call but our phones were turned off since you can't have them on in the courtroom. By that evening, my daughter's fever was completely gone, and she was perfectly healthy. <P>He is taking every memory I have, every piece of my life, and destroying it piece by piece. First he has an affair and now marries someone with MY first name, living in the town where he and I first rented a house. He left the month of our anniversary; I would have been served with divorce papers on our son's birthday had I not told the sheriff's office I wouldn't be available, sends more upsetting paperwork on another child's birthday, tries to schedule a hearing on my birthday, now informs the kids that he has married the day before another child's birthday. <P>All you need to get what you want - including another person's spouse - is money. It has happened over and over on these boards. My H does not seem happy, but I am sure he owes the OW a lot of money - his unemployment ran out almost a year ago. Yesterday my son was talking about how his father's emotions are virtually non-existent - from his description apparently what psychologists would call "flat affect." <P>For any newcomers, if you have been married a couple of decades or so, don't let anyone ever tell you that the pain gets better. There has not been a single morning that I have awakened in almost three years now that I haven't wished that he had killed me instead. It only gets worse and worse with each passing month.

Nellie:<P>I am so sorry to hear your latest news. Can anyone stand to see their child in pain? I can't - my oldest (7 yo) found out about her daddy's girlfriend/OW yesterday and her little heart is broken. Actually, I was quite proud of her "talk" with her dad. <P>She let him know quite clearly that she was mad and hurt and she even gave him some advice on ridding himself of the OW. Needless to say, I was so shocked at her reaction. <P>BUT it was good for her to get it out and maybe you ought to encourage your older ones to do the same???? My youngest (4 yo) doesn't really understand other than to say she wanted to call the OW "doo-doo head." Out of the mouth of babes, right?<P>Anyway, I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry to see that things aren't improving for you.<P>Ashley

Nellie,<P>I'm sorry for your October's that will never be the same, and for your continued gut-wrenching pain.<P>But most of all, I am sorry that your life holds no promise for you tonight, and that you'd rather have been killed by him then left by him. Remember though, that you're kids respect and love you more than life itself, and that you are worthy of that love.<P>As an aside, I agree about the money-thing. David stayed with his last OW for two years because he owed her money. I think it does happen. <P>Take good care, Nellie, and please, PLEASE find a way to grab some peace in your life... you certainly deserve it.

God Nellie,<BR>I know how bad this hurts. I wish there was some way to make it better. Just know that I am here for you.<P>((hugs))<P>JIll

Ashley,<P>The kids have said many times that they are afraid to tell their dad what they are thinking because they are afraid he will get mad at them, and/or stop loving them. <P>Sheryl,<P>Thanks for your support. Unfortunately, there is no promise, there is no hope. When my H first left I initially believed it would get better with time, but time and again I was proven wrong. The only hope is that it is only 12 more years until my youngest is 18, and worst case perhaps 5 more after that till she finishes college. It is not just tonight, it is every night of the last thousand or so.<P>Jill,<P>Thanks for your support - I know you have been through this.

Nellie1,<BR> I'm so sorry for your pain. I surely relate as do most here. <P> I'm not trying to give you false hope BUT..... <BR> My W left on Sept 4th "99" we were divorced July 7th "01" She married OM July 15th "01" (no waiting period in NH) She THEN came out of the "fog" and called me every day and after 5 months proclaimed she made a BIG mistake and "Wanted her life back" and "Wanted me back" I did a near perfect "plan A" and so it was possible for us to work things out and we are getting re-married this Saturday Oct 20th (which was out FIRST wedding day)<P> I can't pretend that it was easy or that God didn't bless us with a miracle. Without his mighty hand on this it would have never happened. <BR> Nor am I saying you should wait around for this to happen. BUT.... it's really NEVER over until "death do us part" AND.... the odds are on YOUR side. 97% of ALL affairs end. Of the 3 that don't only ONE ends in marriage and of the three relationships that survive only ONE lasts more than 2 years.<BR> You have children, that's a STRONG pull in your direction and usually is one of the MAIN things that pull them out of the fog. All I'm saying is I know my situation is different BUT.... you never know, maybe yours is too? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <BR> Pray, BUT... pray like you believe it will come true.. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Frank,<P>Thanks for your encouragement. I suspect that he felt like he "had" to marry her for some reason (not pregnancy, I am sure - she is about 50 years old) - probably guilt because she has been supporting him. I am not sure how long ago he married her, but I found out he has been taking off the wedding ring when he comes over to pick up the kids. What a great way to start a marriage - not even letting your own children know.<P>I used to be an optimist, but since he left that has turned out to be a mistake - about everything, not just his relationship with the OW. I suspect he has joined the ranks of the permanently unemployed as well.

I am so sorry Nellie. I hear you. It is doubly more painful with kids. You have you and your pain - then as women we take on our kids pain too. I know you have a tough job on your hands. I know you have be thrown into circumstances you did not choose. Nor do you deserve. (nor did your kids choose nor did they deserve!). Keep venting and posting. We are here for you. Find something to encourage your heart: a book, a movie, something... <P>does he take the kids to give you a break other than once a week for dinner? that is kind of crazy!!! You need Nellie1 time! Plus they need him too. Does he take them every other weekend for you?

notheard,<P>He takes all four of them to dinner once a week, for about an hour and a half. He takes them each out alone for 2-3 hours once a month. They visit him one day a month, for about 6 hours (including an hour and a half travel time) - only two at a time, because they "disturb the atmosphere" at the OW's house. They have begged him to see more of them, and he has had one excuse after another why they can't stay overnight with him.

i guess when you have time alone you just sit with your mouth to the floor and eyes dazed over right? or if you don't know how to veg you probably keep picking stuff up. Is there anyone else there that can help give you a break? family? in-laws? church? do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? swap babysitting? i am sorry for all the questions. I am just concerned about you.

notheard,<P>No, actually mostly I do my homework for the graduate course I'm taking. I don't have any family close by - I have some friends nearby, but they mostly have kids the ages of my older ones (19 & 21), way past babysitting age. Most people my age have kids in college, not kindergarten.

All your hard work and dedication will pay off. Hang in there. You are investing in yourself (graduate school). When you take care of you, it naturally spills over to your children. you are a setting a good example for them. keep posting.

Nellie,<P>I am sorry. I remember when it happened to me. I thank God that He has helped me to find peace and happiness again. I pray that these things come back to you and your children in time.<P>Take care, Desiree

notheard,<P>Hopefully this graduate degree will at least get me a job that I can keep till I retire or die.. The last one didn't do me much good.<P>RollMeAway,<P>Thanks for the support.

Nellie,<P>I think of you often. I am so sad thatyou are in a place which is so hard...and I know it does not get any easier and I know it will not get easier, while you still take care of everything and your X continues to live this "new" life. Picking up the pieces of a family is the hardest thing to do, when someone is so determined to break up as much as they can and make life for you as hard as possible.<P>I am glad to read you are pursuing graduate work.How do you manage it all. I admire you so much, and I know your children must be in awe of you. What a wonderful role model they have in you.<P>October is not a great month for you...<BR>Nellie look after you,please.<P>I am still not divorced....stbx still with ow. They are doing their best to make my life as hurtful as possible. A huge mess still in terms of the kids ....and stbx will not talk to me,meet with me about the kids even though there are some pretty big decisions to be made regarding our 18 y o who is finishing school. So now I have to get my lawyer to talk to his lawyer to get this to happen! QUITE INSANE [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]<P>I donot know why I am logged in as YES. IT is WILLBOK99 here.<p>[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: yes ]

I'm going to ask a few questions prompted by the hours I have spent with my counselor.<P>Nellie, do you have any professional psychological help to deal with the profound anger and pain you obviously feel?<P>Do you have any clue how much power you are giving this man? Yes, he's long gone from your marriage. But my holding on so determinedly to this pain and anger, those emotions give him power. He's not asking for it. You are giving it to him. And when you begin to turn loose of those emotions, you will find more peace and happiness.<P>And lastly, if your children need professional help in dealing with this, are you and their father providing that?<P>I know that you will not be pleased that I have asked these questions. But following my 17 year marriage and all these years that have gone by since he left, I do need to be asked these questions myself.

Willbok,<P>It is nice to hear from you again, but I am sorry that your stbx is still making things so difficult. You are right - it is insane for him not to talk to you about your kids. <P>Over the past few weeks my H apparently wore a wedding ring in front of the kids, or had it in the car (apparently he took it off before picking them up) - I am guessing he was hoping the kids would bring it up so he wouldn't have to. As it turns out, the one child who noticed it didn't know (or was hoping) it was not a wedding ring - my H and I didn't normally wear them. He has perfected the art of conflict avoidance.

bleubelle,<P>Who are you, anyway? You rarely post on this forum, I haven't been able to find much about you from your posts, though admittedly I haven't read all of them. Every once in awhile you pop up to respond to my posts accusing me of being angry, even when my posts do not indicate that at all. <P>You posted awhile ago:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's been several years and my x has yet to acknowledge that he hurt anyone. And he's still trying to manipulate me. I'm really not sure why some people get to breathe. But that's not my decision to make.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And I'm angry?<P>Interesting coincidence - my H's OW was also married 17 years, and she divorced several years ago. Hmmm...

I am a very happily single-again woman living with two children in my house I've lived in for a long time. And I am in Tennessee. And I still think you are giving this man power in your life - something I wouldn't have said before my new counselor started asking me the same questions I've asked you.<P>(BTW - I fought x tooth and toe-nail to save my marriage. And tried to hold out hope until he remarried.)

bleubelle,<P>One could question why someone who is very happy is still going to a counselor - but I won't get into that. Whatever..<P>And btw, why would anyone "give up" just because their spouse got remarried - since when do marriage vows mean anything to the parties involved? No marriage based on infidelity will ever be valid, much less secure.