--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I recently discovered my husband (longterm alcoholic) has been giving my son, who is 13, beer, and at a social event last weekend, my drunken husband gave my son at least two mixed drinks. I discovered what H was doing and put an IMMEDIATE stop to it. How should I handle this? My son worships his dad...but H is getting worse and worse with his drinking.

Hi, I'm a cop. Report him for child abuse, if you don't, and someone else reports the incident....you risk loosing custody of your son to the state in which you live. If a school/doctor/anyone reported it to me, in my jurisdiction....I would take custody of the child, because YOU knew and didn't report it.

I wouldn't listen to Big Brother Snoopyhusband...maybe you could move to France or Italy where drinking is more socially acceptable and alcoholism rates are low. <P>Bringing in Big Brother to handle a private family matter is absurd. He wants to throw your whole family (including inlaws, cousins, neighbors, friends, co-workers, and anyone else who would have an opinion) into an uproar over a drink? Hardly child abuse, in my opinion. Stupid, yes. <P>Sounds like they (H & son) need grounding and extra chores for punishment.<P>Good luck.<P>PS...how much does your H drink per day?

Sorry but I agree witht he cop. That is child abuse. The child (13) is NOT old enough to act as a responsible adult (neither is dad) and does not need to be exposed to alcohol at his age. That is child abuse, against the law, and immoral. You could ruin that child life at the age of 13. What if he gets drunk and does other things he shouldnt? I would have had his butt locked up in jail the minute I found out no matter WHAT my kid thought about him. I divorced my husband of 10 years who was an alcoholic because of the impact it was having on our 2 children. They love him very much and see him all the time - but they also know he is an alcoholic and has problems that they are GLAD they don't have to see and face every day. Talk about peer pressure in schools ... your son is getting it at home! Please, for your sons sake and life, get rid of this guy who is abusing your son!

My husband drinks at least a twelve pack a day, and quite frequently an 18 pack. I do not drink whatsoever. H has been a heavy drinker for most of his life, did quit for 6 years -- those were some of best years of my life -- then started drinking again 5 years ago. Things have gotten progressively worse. I have been keeping a journal of his drinking activities (since last October) and he has been sober a grand total of only 4 days. He's hardly ever here lately, usually its about 10 PM before he comes home drunk. He won't admit he's an alcoholic, but he certainly is. Says its only beer. I recently started attending Al-Anon so hopefully this will help me deal with it. Since I found out about this the other day, I'm in the process of finding a counselor for my son to see. He won't listen to me - dad has brainwashed him. My H has twisted and manipulated things around so much my son thinks of me as the "bad guy" because I make him do what is expected of him (like go to school everyday, keep his grades up, clean his room, and do other minor things like take out the trash). My H buys him anything he wants, and of course my son thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. H also makes a point of contradicting every directive I give my son, i.e., I tell him he can't go to a friends house until homework is done, son then goes and asks his dad if he can and he says sure, go ahead, even if he knows I just told son "no". I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall trying to raise my son to do what's right when H does this kind of thing. During H's drunken stupors he has gone so far as to tell son he doesn't have to do anything I tell him to do. <P>I have contacted an attorney do discuss this situation. I have also made up my mind to tell my H that if he does not get help for his alcohol problem, I will turn him in for what he did. And I will.

I am so sorry to hear that things are messed up at home. Yes, I think it's a good idea to dump the drunk if he's not going to get help for his alcoholism.<P>Pardon me for asking how much he drinks, it seems like he has a horrible problem. I just wanted to know if you were serious about his alcoholism or if you were over-exaggerating, which apparently you are not. <P>I think it's a good idea to set the example for your son's sake that treating women like your H does is absolutely unacceptable. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship and you should not allow anyone to mistreat you. I hope that you also will seek some counselling that will help your self-esteem. We teach others how to treat us. <P>When my H gets his panties in a knot and his voice begins to rise, I calmly say "I do not have to be spoken to in this manner and I will not stand for it. I'm going for a walk so you can calm down and hopefully we can talk respectfully when I return in about 10 min." (He used to be afraid I'd leave and not come back so I assure him I'll be back in 10 min.) I used to stand toe-to-toe and scream with him...but I learned that I have to teach him how to treat me. I'm just giving you this as an example, I don't know if or how it would apply to your situation. <P>Don't settle for less than a beloved child of our creator (you!) would deserve. <P>I wish you luck and God's blessings on your journey. Feel free to post often for support or advice.

Hi Alcholic's Wife. I am also an alcoholic's wife. What your H is doing is wrong. But, your H is in that state where the decisions he makes is impaired & clouded by his drinking. You need to do what is best for yourself and for your son. If your H doesn't go get professional help soon, I suggest that you remove yourself & your son from that abusive environment.<P>It is good that your are seeking legal counsel because then you will cover yourself just in case he tries to get custody of your son. Obviously, the environment you are living in, is NOT a healthy one.<P>I have also attended Al-Anon meetings and it is good that you are attending them too. But, I told our therapist that I CANNOT attend Al-Anon forever! I have choose to NOT live in this environment anymore. I just can't.<P>I have just given my H an ultimatum. He needs to get some type of professional help for his alcohol addiction. I have already prepared myself and our kids to move out if my H doesn't make an effort to get help for his addiction.<P>Do what is best for yourself & for your son. Hopefully, your H will wake-up and take a turn for the better. Good luck in whatever decision you make.....

Alcoholic's Wife-<P>Thanks for posting. You may know this already, but Ala-non also has a group for teens called Ala-teen. The point of Ala-non and Ala-teen is to learn to cope with living with an alcoholic. Maybe you can convince your son to go to Ala-teen. You cannot make your H stop drinking. <P>It's easy for others to say "leave him", but not so easy to do. Continue to attend Ala-non and use the tools you learn there to help you make a decision whether you stay with him or not. If your son has grown up with an alcoholic father, it is too late to try to get him away from his father's influence. He's already been influenced. I know, I grew up as a child of an alcoholic step-father. Your son needs therapy. But you may not be able to make him go. Ala-teen is a start towards healing. <P>Whatever you do, make sure your son knows you love him. Even if you cannot stop your H's behavior, your son will know you support him. Maybe someday your son will see what the alcohol is doing to his life and he'll remember you were and are there for him. <P>Take good care,<P>Myra

I used to date somebody whose father sounds exactly like your husband. Your son may see someday how his father affected him poorly, but it will be better for your son's sake to remove him from the environment. That guy's father always told him, "I can't be your father, but I'll be your best friend." They were drinking together by the time he was 16 and doing drugs together at 18. I was in Alanon and I know they suggest implementing the tools they give you and waiting to leave the situation. Yet, he is abusing your son & as your son gets older, the issues that your husband dismisses and the level of neglect will only grow more serious. Your son has already been impacted, and your husband is giving you little opportunity to reverse it.

My father too was an alcoholic. I don't remember much of it when I was little because my mom left him when I was two.<BR>My brother how ever was older and remembers more of how he was.<BR> He was abusive in many different ways and my brother grew up with many similar problems as a result.<BR>I agree that it is good for you to stay in ala-non...it will help you get through these rough times. I know it is hard to think about leaving your husband but look what he is doing to you and your son.<BR>He needs a wake up call real bad and real soon!!! Do you have anywhere you and your son can stay temporarily? If so then go!<BR>It may or may not wake him up but you will be able to think better without him there.<BR>You cannot make him stop but you can get out of the situation!!<BR>My prayers are with you!!<BR>Hang in there!<P>------------------<BR> GOD,<BR>Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference. <BR>

Thank you all for posting. Things have really been shaken up for me the last week or so. Husband said he has no intentions of ever quitting drinking, so I contacted the PD to report H for giving son alcohol. They were very sympathetic, but unfortunately in the state we live in it is not against the law for a parent to give a child alcohol. So I hit a brick wall here. My H drank himself into a stupor all weekend. Monday night he was 9 sheets to the wind by the time he got home (must have spent the afternoon drinking). He then assaulted me, I called PD and they arrested him and pressed charges. Luckily my son was not home when this happened. H bonded out yesterday, we have not heard from him, thank God. I met with an attorney, and am planning file for divorce. I can't take it anymore. Sometimes there's just too much bad that can't be overcome. This is one of those times. I have tried and tried and tried to save my marriage, but couldn't. This is the worst time of my life, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Thank you all again, and please if any of you pray, would you please say a prayer for my family? Thank you all for being there and listening.

I am so sorry to hear of this new turn of events. How horrifying! Yet, if his unacceptable behavior is the catalyst for you rising up and taking care of yourself, then there it is. You need to dive into Alanon meetings, time with friends and your son, taking baths, reading, and taking very good care of yourself and building up your strength. I am so proud of you.

Hi,<P>Thanks for your response on one of my older posts. I really feel for you AW, this dam*ed "disease" can really wreak havoc in everyone's life... us and the alcoholics. My daughter is only 4, but even now I dread the day that she comes "of age"... I just have this gut feeling that somewhere in the back of his mind my husband looks forward to the day he can have a drink with his daughter. I feel terrible even thinking that, but I do. I can only hope that I can steer her in the right direction between now and then so that when she's making these choices for herself, she will understand what abusive and addictive drinking can lead to, that she will know not to depend on some substance for comfort.<P>You are in my prayers, AW... please make sure you keep taking care of yourself. Get to those meetings, talk to those people who want to support you. These forums are extremely helpful, but I've found even greater comfort in face to face meetings and discussions.<P>Take Care.

AW-<P>I think you did the right thing by pressing charges against your H and filing for divorce. You need to get out of that situation and away from your H. <P>As for your son, he may not want to have anything to do with you. He may resent you for pressing charges and filing for divorce. I'm sure he loves you, but this will be hard for him. He may take his feelings out on both parents. I hope that's not how things go, but if they do just remember that you love your son. Be supportive of him as much as you can. Whether he acknowledges your love or not, he will feel it and be comforted.<P>Your strength and courage is inspiring. Thanks for posting here. <P>Take good care,<P>Myra

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I've spent a lot of time praying for H, son and myself lately. How do I ever get over this? Now we're going to be in court involved in a nasty child custody battle. My husband counterfiled for divorce. He has always told me if we ever split up, he would take my son. I cannot deal with this. <P>It's been a bad day and I lost it a couple of times today (uncontrollable crying spells). I feel like I've thrown away 17 years of my life (well, maybe 5 of them were ok, that was the time he was sober). He used me. I meant nothing more to him than being the maid. Seventeen years of loving someone who did not return that love -- he was and always will be in love with his booze bottle. How could I be so stupid? Because I loved him. I wanted so much for our marriage to work, and for him to stop drinking. I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would stop. He didn't, and never will. <P>Was I a fool? I spent 17 years taking care of him, making him nice meals every night, rubbing his back (well, when he wasn't passed out), paid all the bills, took care of all the household chores, did all the yardwork, assured his laundry was always done and clean clothes and towel were always laid out for him every morning for when he got out of the shower, got up an hour earlier than I needed to so that I could make his coffee and pack his lunch (he did manage to go to work), plus maintain a full time job and make a decent living. Yes, I was a fool. Since he started drinking again I can't recall ever getting anything in return, except to be called a "F***g b***h". Oh yes, I did get something. I got criticized for every meal I made, the way I folded his clothes, the way I looked (he thought I should still look like I did at 23). He was always critical of my looks. He put down my red hair (others complement me on it all the time, its long and deep auburn), told me I'm fat and disgusting (I'm 5'1" and weigh 120 - I gained 10 lbs in 17 years), told me I look "really old" (people think my 22 year old daughter is my sister) and always told me how STUPID I am (hmmmm, I don't buy that one. I'm the one with a professional job with a future). <P>So, I guess I answered my own question. I was a STUPID IDIOT for putting up with him for so long. I should have left him when I was pregnant for my son and he began showing his true colors. He wasted my life. I'll never, ever get those wasted years back. <P>The moral to this story is, if you're married to an alcoholic, get out RIGHT NOW. Thank you all for listening while I vent. I appreciate you all being here. <P><BR>

I am so sorry you are going through all this pain!!<BR>I prayed for you after reading your first post and I will continue to pray for you and your family, I promise!<BR>I am glad you had the courage to get out and take care of YOU!<BR>Hang in there!<BR>Take Care & God Bless<P>------------------<BR> GOD,<BR>Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference. <P>

AW...<P>Dear heart....case law is on your side. Judges do not like to give children to alcoholics and men arrested for assault. So relax a little. Get to a safe place for you. Get a restraining order, a protection order for you and your son based on the assault charge. You are not alone. God is with you...get out, get safe, and you will heal with time. Get into a support group, and get all those around you who truly love you. Your son will be learning a very important lesson...that you can't treat women in this way and get away with it. Let your attorney have at your husband. I will be praying for you. You really are stronger than you think. You had the strength to have your husband arrested. Let them send his little butt to jail...he needs to wake up and realize that he can't just go around doing that kind of stuff.<P>We'll stand by you until you are free...and through it all!!<P>God's blessings... hide under the shadow of His wings!<P>Ramy

Ramy,<BR> I'm in a safe haven now, my home. My H cannot come within 500 feet of us or he will be arrested. A protective order was issued by the court the day after he was arrested. My attorney has also petitioned for a restraining order, so I am not worried about him coming after me. I'm not sure how this will all play out since I've never been involved with anything like this before. If Snooperhubby is out there, could you give me some insight? All I know is H was charged with Assault with Bodily Injury. Since I have not called the PD before (where we live now) the authorities are not aware of any of the previous incidents. H has been arrested and convicted before (many years ago) for Felony Assault against an individual he got into barroom brawl with. Can this be mentioned? <BR> <BR>Thank you for your encouraging words about the court battle. It has been eating me up inside worrying about it. My son has told me he wants to live with his dad and sees me as the "bad guy" in all this. I have been trying to reiterate to him how much I love him, and that I love his dad, but could not continue to allow him to abuse me. <P>Whenever I start to get depressed and nervous I say a prayer. It seems to help me get through the tough moment. I pray for my son, and I have prayed a lot for H. He is a sick, sick man. I must somehow find the strength to get through this and continue to never have any sort of contact with H. It is the only way I will get over this. Life is just SO HARD. I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with my son, although he doesn't want me around and to spend time with my friends. They've been a tremendous help through all this. I plan to add church on Wed. nights to my life as well. Between my job, my son, church, and my home I think I will make it. <P>Thank you all so much. Please keep us in your prayers. You are in mine.

AW-<P>You are not an idiot for staying with him. You have a good heart and you gave your all to make your marriage work. But marriage takes two. Your H has a disease called alcoholism. It is a disease. But it's not your fault. <P>No matter how hard times are now, realize that they will get better. You are getting out. You are going to Ala-non and you are healing. It's hard to face an alcoholism without denial. You are strong. You will make it through this and you will be better for it. <P>I'm praying for you and your family in my heart. <P>Take good care,<P>Myra