I haven't posted in a while so here is a brief recap of my story: No affairs - I am the wife, 15 year marriage, 3 wonderful kids. We have always had communication problems - meaning I tended to keep things inside and sweep conflict under the rug and put on the happy face for the world to see. I hate conflict, I hate arguing. I learned growing up that appearances are all that matters.<BR>Our life seemed idllyic - both professionals, beautiful home, lots of friends, social lives, church lives, leaders in the community... you get the picture. Last year I had a complete breakdown and have been in individual therapy for 15 months. I embezzled a large sum of money from my employer and went through a federal prosecution. Ended up with probation and 6 months to serve in a half way house (which I still have not served b/c the gov't is appealing my sentence). My H is an attorney. We have had a tremendous amount of support, but needless to say this has been a pretty ****ty year for everyone. <BR>Now, as the smoke clears on the legal problems, he announces that he doesn't believe there is enough of a relationship to salvage and he wants a divorce. <BR>Actually he announced this on 8/18/01. I told him I wasn't ready to concede the marriage. Asked if we could please go to 6 sessions of MC to discuss. He agreed. We have been to 3. <BR>Yesterday, he says he has seen an attorney and we need to talk. He says we should just work out an agreement, we can continue to be great parents...he want joint physical custody (but he wants to be primary custodian). I told him I didn't agree that he was the most stable influence (I know the evidence seems to point otherwise, but I really love my children). He is an attorney, I am a convicted felon, I have documented mental issues (my therapist says I have been depressed for a long time). <BR>As I sit here and read this it sounds awful. I am not this monster that I look like. But, I know I do not have a choice but to work with him on an agreement. Fighting it would be futile and would not serve my interests.<BR>My real question is how do I know that it is time to let go? Part of me knows that while we are both good people, we are not a good couple. Part of me says all that crap about "fit" is hogwash and we married each other and created these three innocent people and it is our job to make it work. Part of me says if he wants out I can't make him stay anyway. Oh, I just don't know.<BR>The thing that makes me the most sad is that I am willing to work on it and have made substantial changes over the last 15 months. Even he acknowledges these changes. But, I can't change him. Can't change his heart..<BR>Can't make him forgive.<P>I read something the other day that really spoke to me. "The opposite of sin is not virtue, but faith." <P>Any input to my situation?<BR>Thanks,<BR>M

((((((((M))))))))<P>I'm so very sad for your situation, you seem to be "stuck between a rock and a hard place". I hope that you are taking care of yourself during this stressful period.<P>As for the agreement and when do you give up, you pretty much answered that yourself. You have no power over him so if it is going to happen you need to try to protect yourself. Don't know what your state laws are but here in Kansas you can have total joint/shared custody with no primary custodian, that's what we have.<P>As for everything else, don't know what your beliefs are, but in mine I give my problems to God. Whenever I'm getting down I figure out all my problems and sort them out by which ones I can control. You'd be surprised about the very few number of stresses that you and only you can control. Then all the ones I can't control I pray on. May sound a little silly but it's worked for me.....<P>Don't be a stranger around here and lean on your whole support system.<P>Hugs, thoughts, & Prayers for your family

Dear Lost Husband,<BR>Thank you so much for your kind reply. Just to know someone is reading is really somehow very helpful. <BR>I agree with your sentiments about what you cannot control you give to God. I know I can only control me. <BR>What is also really sad to me about this situation is this: as I get stronger, healthier, become more of a real person - this is when he decides to call it quits! Talk about your timing issues! And the thing is, part of me knows he has a point, we may both be truly better away from one another, but oh, what a gamble. What if we are wrong.<BR>I am just confused. I am sad. I am hurt. I am not blaming anyone but me for where I am, but it still hurts.<BR>Thanks again,<BR>M

I'm reading too.<p>-AD

you didn't say why you took the money, it is not important to me but perhaps it is in your life, for example for many years I had a gambling problem and it wasn't beyond me to steal, once I got help for myself I realized I had to make big changes in my life, I would be curious if there are changes that need to be bad and perhaps other problems that need worked on, perhaps he has just had eonough of the life he has been living. I am not critizing you or judging all I am saying is I have been there and just wonder what else has been going on to bring about your problems

Guess what, I do not
think embezzlement/ white collar...felony-or depression makes you a bad wife or mom... my husband is playing... the your violent act on me... since I have lost my temper and gone a little wacky a few times... but overall I am not a bad person, not violent on a regular or normal basis--- (i.e. I hit him and myself with the phone... first I hit myself ... when I found out he had been cheating on me with someone at work...)--- then... ( I went crzy in a bar... because I went to see where he and his girlfriend... the sl-- took, my two precious kids age 9 and 3, while he took them to spend the night with her after he moved out from our home 2 wks prior,,, sorry I am still stressing as they both filed assault charges against me... misdemeanor, but getting my bonds yesterday was no fun, I had to pay a lawyer, $2000 to represent me and keep me out of jail... Anyway in this bar, I went in alone and had been drinking way too much because I had not been eating or sleeping and had had about 7-8 glasses of wine... well they walked in... my husband and his sl-- Anyway... (can you sense my rage?) I love him dearly and could not bear this site, though I had imagined it - it was evermore real than I ever imagined when I saw it and I lost it and went for the girlfriend sl-- Anyway... in our marriage, my husband has had an alcohol problem and has been verbally abusive at times, not always... but when he called me a bit-- well, I slapped his face... other such small physical episodes... I do not spank my kids.. I was severely spanked as a child and at times overly physically punished in my opinion... I have problems with people hitting me ... but have done the same when faced with real rage.. that is with my spouse... well, he says I am damaged goods and violent... I have an mba, am not employed currently... but am sm,art, successful, attractive.. .etc.... I am ok, I have to tell me that. He is trying to say that I am damaged goods, to make himself feel better about his A and his betrayal and lack of honor for our marriage and family. I give your husband the same diagnosis... You deserve love and support... maybe your actions were a symptom of his treatment of you... I am sure your depression was, as was and is mine. I used to be so happy.... and his has made me at fault for all problems in our marriage.... well, sorry... but it takes 2 to create and 2 to break a relationship. Hope that helps, I'm in your corner. There is good in all of us, and bad. I am sure your spouse has his demons, shame on him... for making you feel bad at a low emotional time. He should care that his wife is depressed and had this legal problem, he should help you overcome it, and rebuild the relationship... Commitment is the key.. it sounds like he does not understand commitment and honor to a relationship and family. It is his problem not yours. Work on you - do not file or push divorce/// do everything you can to save or better yourself and your relationship. Let it be his deal and problem and decision if he ends it... that is what I am doing... so I know I tried to save my marriage as hard as I could... If my H does not turn back towards me, it will be because he has no commitment or moral backbone,,, not me. LOL

Jabber,
You are right. The "why" I took the money is the biggest piece of the puzzle. What the embezzlement did was point up a whole lot of illness I had been struggling with and trying to manage (quite unsuccessfully) on my own. It was a massive cry for help.
One of the ways I also "managed" my pain and stress is through alcohol. I still struggle with that. I don't drink very much anymore, but my H and his family think it is a problem. I went to AA a few times a few months ago. I thought it was a great program, but not all that applicable to me. I probably need to revisit it.
Thanks for your input.<p>Honey,
I a sorry for the situation you are in. It does sound somewhat similar in that some bad choices are being used to make you out as this horrible person. I agree that one (or many) mistakes don't define us as bad people. What is important is how we try to reconcile the mistakes we have made. What efforts are we putting forth to change the underlying issues that brought about the undesirable behavior.
For me, it involves individual therapy, working on being honest with everyone in my life, accepting the fact that I don't have to be this "perfect, all-together person" Learning how to REALLY open myself and trust others.
It sounds like for you, alcohol may also play a role. Yes, in the situation you described I can see how your rage would come out at your H and the OW. The 7 or 8 glasses of wine didn't help contain it. I find that drinking doesn't give me the clarity I think it does at the time. It actually contributes to fuzzy logic. In your life, you may want to put the alcohol away too, at least for now. This would be a good time to not be an altered state.
Good luck and thanks for sharing your story,
M