Hi! I'm new to this.Here's my story. Married 18 years.Five kids. H has had at least two affairs that I know of.The 2nd one started in summer of '97 and is still happening. He has an alcohol and cocaine problem. But won't admit it. Still lies to me and says he isn't seeing OW. Just talks to her on the phone. We reconciled last Oct/98 for 2 months but I ended it again when I found out he was seeing her still and as well as me. Since then I have told him that I love him. That I need a husband and our children need a father and we would all like it to be him. But if he doesn't give up OW and the lifestyle I told him I will be asking for a Divorce and moving on with my life. So far he hasn't done either and he will be served his divorce papers this week. I am very sad and lost and anxious. He is very angry with me for pushing the divorce. Don't know what my question is I guess I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.

Craven:<BR>I am also new to this. I have been somewhat in your prediciment before. My first H had a alcohol and cocaine addiction. He went through thousands of dollars, and I lost everything. He didn't have another W that I knew of, but who know when you are under the influence right? I knew I had to get out of the marriage. My kids as well as yours don't need to be subjected to that. I believe you are doing the right thing. You may really love your H, but you know what he is doing is not right or healthy for you. You need to concentrate on what is right for you. You will be okay without him. It will be very difficult at first, trust me. You will find love again. I know it is the most difficult decision that you will ever make, but trust in your own feelings, and you will do the right thing. I hope that I have helped you some.<P>Marilyn T.

Hey Craven:<BR>Got your reply. Thanks! I actually had a great talk with my H last night. I let him know my insecurities, and explained my concerns. I think he understands them now. He told me that I would be included in anything he is doing outside of work. He assured me that nothing is going on, nor ever will. He said his W and his family are the most important thing to him. I must say for the first time in a long time, I feel at peace inside. I hope things are going well with you. Let me know if there is anything you need. I know that you are going through alot of pain right now. I cannot understand for the life on me how people get messed up in situations like this. You will be okay, I know you will! Bye, Marilyn

Sorry to have to say this. But addicts usually lie to get the result they need. This honeymoon period will most likely fizzle out after everything is back to normal and then he will return to his old addictive behaviors. That is what addicts do...LIE!!

Hey! This is kind of neat. I wish I knew about this years ago. I feel like I can tell everything to you. It feels safe and I don't feel all alone. It helps, especially when all the kids are asleep and you still feel like talking to someone. Marilyn I'm glad you trusted yourself enough to talk to your H about your insecurities. And I'm glad you feel at peace. I remember somewhere here I read that you shouldn't trust 100%. I believe it's your job to pay attention to your relationship, forever. Never take it for granted. It seems that these days there "is" always someone else who wants what you have. And really it doesn't take alot of time and energy to make your H feel like a king and the payoffs are worth it. Addicts are sad people. I sure have been awakened these last two years. The only thing I can trust about my H is that he "will" lie, without a doubt. I can't imagine doing and living with that anymore. The one thing I now believe is that men can lie with their words but they cannot lie with their actions.It has become really important to me to keep my eyes open wide. And that is the only reason I'm going through with this D. Thanks you guys. I feel stronger and more hopeful for a brighter future.

Hi Craven!<BR>How are you doing today? I have been thinking alot about your situation. It almost takes me back to my past life(first husband). I think the thing that helped me the most was, my family. Do you have alot of family close by? Do you belong to a Church? They also have good support groups. Don't you feel that just by talking it makes you feel better. Have you and your H been talking? What are his feelings about the D? Has he been trying to talk you out of it? If he would seek couseling and give up the other W, would you reconsider D. How is your children handling all of this. Let me know how you are doing okay! Everything on my end is doing okay. This marriage builders thing is really cool. talk to ya soon. Marilyn

Hi,Marilyn. Glad you are doing alright. My H and I don't talk about the D very often. He has often in the past talked about reconciling but has asked for more time. Says the OW is hard to give up but sure it can be done. I've been waiting patiently for 2 years and there has been no sign of an ending. He also says he won't quit his lifestyle or change his friends or job or go for councelling or be home more etc. etc. etc. He basically won't change a whole lot of anything except the OW, "if" I accept his ways. I just can't. And so we don't discuss it anymore. I'm ready to move on with my life. I just feel so bad for my kids and it scares me to not know what's in store for me in the future. But I'm sure it will all work out. Thanks for caring.

Hi Craven.....I'm sorry that you are going through this. I am going through a similar situation. Although my H's affair is over for 5 months now.......my H is STILL addicted to his alcohol...<P>Although he has tried to refrain from drinking, and we have gotten professional help in the past.....he still has his fall-backs.<P>His abusive addiction has resorted to him sleeping in parks, drinking alone so that he can have his booze.....It seems the start of becoming a drunken bum.....<P>It's so sad to see him like this, especially when he has everything (promising future, career, home, family, marriage, kids.....)....It's amazing just how strong and intense an addiction can be....<P>And, it's true.....ADDICTS LIE.....they have lived a secret life for so long, that lying and sneaking around is a symptom of an addiction.<P>But, they have a choice and an option to do something about it. They don't have to choose to live like this.<P>I have come to terms with myself and realize that I have to make the decision for what is best for me & my kids (they are ages 3 & 4). If my H doesn't get the professional help that he needs, then it is time for me to move on and rebuild a new life for myself.<P>This will be hard because I still do love him, despite his weaknesses....But, like I said...I need to do what is best for me & the kids.<P>I know that when the time comes, you will also do what is best for yourself & your kids. Remember, your physical & mental health should be a priority. Take care of yourself....and the rest will follow.<P>Hang in there......I hope things work out for you.....

Thanks No Trust. I agree it's all very sad. I still hope that one day he gets the help he needs. We have 5 kids. And they need a healthy father whether we are married or not. He panics a bit about the divorce and I don't think he really believes it's happening but I told him if he ever does what it takes to be a healthy husband and I'm still available that I would marry him again. I still love him and our children are in agony. But I have no choice. He, does. And I told him our children need 2 grown up parents and that I am working on growing myself up. It sure is hard work.

Hi Craven.... I can see that you are doing what you have to do for yourself and your kids. I truly hope that your H comes to his senses and realizes just how much he will lose if he doesn't change. But, that's something that he will have to do for himself. Just hang in there. I wish you and your family well...

Hi Craven!<BR>Just checking in to see how you are doing? I haven't chatted with you for a while! Are things going okay with you? Let me know!<BR>

Hi Craven,<P>I really, really feel for you (see my posts under "My Husband is giving son alcohol". You've tried and tried and tried, and nothing helped. My H has been an alcoholic all of his adult life. He says he doesn't have a problem - I do. I don't drink at all. He used to be a happy drunk, and I was able to tolerate him then. He used to only get plastered on the weekends. For the last two years, its been a nightly thing for him, and now he is a "mean drunk". My H also had affairs with cheap tramps he picked up in bars. He said he liked them becaused they'd drink with him and not ***** about his drinking. All he knows how to do is lie. Like NoTrust said, alcoholics lie about everything. The have no conscience, nor no sense of right and wrong. They get so good at covering their tracks and living the secret life that they even believe their own lies. There's been many times my H told me he did not even remember how he got home the night before or where he had been. That probably was true, since most likely he blacked out. I do not understand it at all. I have always felt that I would want to know exactly what I said and did the day before and want to wake up in the morning without being sick to my stomach and have a headache. My H would drink himself into a stupor at night, then get up the next morning and start drinking as soon as he'd had a couple cups of coffee. He would not eat during the day because he "didn't want to ruin a good drunk" and those are his exact words. I have watched this behavior for so long and have been the brunt of his physical and verbal abuse. All because of alcohol. It's a hard decision, and one only you can make, but for me, the best thing is for me to NEVER see or speak to my H again. As long as I don't hear from him, I think I can get over it. I have finally faced the fact that he does NOT love me, never did and never will, and I need to get over him. Its extremely hard to do though. I think about him constantly and worry about my son and the upcoming court battle. <P>I've heard from others that since my H got out of jail he's been back in the bars getting drunk and chasing the barflys. He is a loser. I will pray for you Craven that God shows you the answer and guides your decisions. God bless you, and know that you are in my prayers.

MarilynT and AlcoholicsWife<BR>I'm going away for a holiday with kids tomorrow. We'll be gone for a week. Hopefully H will be served his divorce papers while we are gone. I have know idea what goes on in his head but he walks in here like nothing much has happened in 2 years. It drives me ******** crazy sometimes. Major denial I guess. H never drank much at home here. Never wanted his kids to know about his other life away from home. It was easy for him when I used to cover up for him. You know I'd say Daddy's at work. Things like that. He had the best of both worlds. I never knew or realized how much I helped contribute to letting him have that. It is difficult to not have any contact with him. We have a business together that we have to discuss on a regular basis as well as five children. I do agree it would be easier if I NEVER had to see, or talk to him. Don't quite know what to do about that. Have him buy me out of the business I guess. But then I would have to get another job. And right now I work out of our home which makes it easier to raise the kids. I'm just kind of letting whatever happens happen right now. I get a headache if I concentrate on our dysfuntional marriage to much. I'm hoping to relax and have some one on one with my kids without any calls from H. I won't have a computor so I'll talk to you guys next week. Thanks for caring. Craven

Hi Craven!<BR>Are you back yet??? Haven't heard from you and I was just checking in! Things have been okay around here. I am just always having to put up with my H being a crap when he comes home. You know Craven, I have decided that only I can create my own happiness. Do you feel that way too? I decided to quit smoking today! That will be my next challenge I quess. I need to focus on me, and improve my health and lifestyle. I need to start exercising! Enough about me, how have you been lately? Keep in touch

Well I'm back if anyone out there remembers where I left off. The kids and I had a great holiday. I've spent the rest of the summer getting the school supplies and hockey equipment organized. Ready for winter!<BR>Marilyn T if you are still reading thanks for the reply Aug 16. Things are pretty tense now. I've served H with his divorce papers. He was hard to serve. Still "says" he doesn't want a divorce but still sees OW on a regular basis. And still tries to keep her a secret. Wild! Don't know what to expect now. My lawyer doesn't want to rush things. He figures I'm better off now. H still provides well for us finacially. It's the emotional side that he seems to have trouble with. His visits with the kids are becoming few and far between. Just spent the bedtime routine trying to explain divorce to my 8 year old. He has a hard time understanding everything. I hate it when they cry. Anyway I'm doing o.k. I seem to be adjusting and accepting so far. Time will tell. Talk to you soon