This is my first time posting. Here is my situation. Back in 89 I found a poem my husband had written. He admitted he had an attraction to some girl but after several stressful days agreed to forget her. He later told me he had been a fool to almost give me up.<P>In Feb of 99 he became irritable and withdrawn. After pressing him he told me he had never forgotten this girl, that she had died in 95 but he had been hearing her voice from the grave until Oct. of 98 when God had told him to let go of her. He also said that though he loved me it did not feel like the love for a wife but for a good friend or sister.<BR> To make a long story short he never even kissed this girl. He confided in a friend of ours shortly after her death. The friend thinks 90 percent of the relationship was in my h. head. H. told me and our friend that God had showed him this girl was his perfect soul mate, and while he did not feel to leave me, he did think he would be with this girl in his next life. I know this all sounds bizzare (and it is) but other than this garbage there does not seem to be a thing wrong with my h.<BR>I am devastated and in counseling. My h. refuses to go. Presently, he claims to want the marriage and want to love me again but says he feels a lack and has no passion for me. He says now that he doesn't think this girl was his soul mate and that he has let go of it. His words: it doesn't exist for me anymore. He will not admit it was wrong because, in his opinion, he did not do anything wrong.<P>There is a lot more to it-some very hurtful things he said. When he told me in Feb, he said I was his best friend. Of course, that has been affected now. I love my h. still, want to forgive him and want our marriage to work. He claims to want that as well but I feel he is only half-hearted. And I feel so betrayed. My question is, can love really come back? We have been married 21 years and have no children. I thought he was happy. If he really loved this other girl so much, wouldn't he have left me? He said the reason he didn't was because he did not want to leave me in utter despair and because he was afraid he would be hurting himself. The entire situation is bizzare because it is mostly a fantasy. She was 14 years younger than him. I guess I'm looking for advice and encouragement in my situation. I just want my h. to recapture his feelings for me. I'm willing to forgive him.

Bubblemaker,<P>I can see plainly that your husband has alot of confusing things going on in his own mind.I'm sure its been very hard for you to go through all of this.Your husband will need to be willing to give your marriage a chance. You cannot force anyone to love you or love you more. Thats something he will need to grow into again. I feel that his past (fantasy) has robed him of reality.Its going to take some serious communication between you and your husband to get things healed and healthy again in your marriage. Counseling for the Both of you would be your best bet. Its a very complex situation when your husband isnt or I should say hasnt been intouch with the real world. He will need to give you a more clearer understanding on what he feels is lacking in your marriage. Its a little easier to move forward in a marriage when you both know where you've gone wrong and what needs to change to make things better again.I just want to encourage you in not giving up yet. Hang in there...There is Hope, and Pray that your husband will allow himself to open up and have a meaningful,loving, Healthy , Happy marriage again.<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited August 18, 1999).]

So let me make sure I understand in a nutshell what is going on: your husband met a younger girl and became infatuated with her. She died, and he is/was mourning her death. He SAYS he's over her, but his actions say otherwise. It's amazing how people who pass away can be placed on such a high pedestal; their imperfections and quirks just don't exist in death. Your husband has some true dissalusions and it also sounds as if he is quite the "drama queen". I am willing to wager that he has some mental health issues and battles bouts of depression. true mental disorders usually worsen as the individual ages, so you may be seeing some things that you never saw before but that does not mean mid-life crisis. If your husband refuses council, you need to see one yourself to give you the tools to deal with someone of his nature. If the marriage is that important to him, and he feels the desire to rekindle lost feelings of romance and passion, he should be willing to do anything to save it.

When this girl died, my h. told our friend that her death was not really a big deal because the relationship was continueing. He was recieving messages from her. They really had no relationship that I know of other then he saw her once in the grocery store when we were shopping (this was one of the signs from God that she was the one). At the time of her death, This girl was attending collage, planning to go in the Peace Core and had a boyfriend that was five years younger than her. Our friend said my h. never said anything to indicate he really knew her (ex. she was so sweet...). He simply told him their history. He met her, she was in one of his classes at collage, he was attracted to him. She followed us around (without my knowledge). Sat in front of our house, etc. The funny thing is that after telling our friend this (in Dec of 95), he requested his mother(who is an artist) paint a portriat of one of our wedding pictures for his birthday (guilt?). Friend said h. only brang it up that one night and that he himself was concerned but since H. never mentioned it again, friend dismissed it.<P>How could my h. be in mourning without me or anyone else knowing it. I recognized soemthing was wrong in Feb. of this year when He became irritable and withdrawn, mean, depressed. Two weeks after her actual death in 95 we were out shopping for a computer and going online in the chat rooms and having fun. Is that what you call mourning? I'm really confused here.<P>As for his mental state, I am beginning to wonder as his brother is schizophrenic. Another brother believes he's been abducted by an alien and another that crows speak to him. My h. is going through periods of depression now. So am I. My heart is broken in two. We both want to serve God and he spends hours praying. He changes his story a lot. For instance, he told me that he occasionly feels like he loves me like a spouse but then turns around and says he doesn't know if he can or can't.<P>I am in counseling. Counselor says h. is confused but after everything I've told him he thinks my h. still loves me-I thought that, at first, also. But I am myself beginning not to know what is reality and what isn't. So then, feelings of love and passion can come back, then? Thanks for listening. And thanks for any encouragement or advice. Just to let you know, my h. will not at this time go to counseling. He says the only one he needs to discuss anything with is God.