I know that there are many sites on the Internet with regards to Drug addiction and Intervention, but I have gotten so much out of this site I wonder if there are some answers some of you might have to help me with this problem.<BR>Background:<BR>- Woman I have known for 10+ years.<BR>- I am close to her family.<BR>- History of drug use/problems.<BR>- Jail time for problems (on probation).<BR>- Infant child<BR>- Probation is such that any offence (drug/alcohol included) would result in 2 years incarceration...child to foster care no doubt.<P>- I have been down the road of drug use myself, albeit clean now.<BR>- I care very much about what happens to her.<BR>- I am attracted to her...her to me I think.<BR>(may not be relevant here, but is a fact)<BR>- She has very negative feelings about her life, choices she made, appearance, etc.<P>Options I have considered:<P>1) Remain the person she can do activities with that do not involve drugs. Quietly do what I can to "help" her get/stay away from drugs....Just be there for her.<P>2) Confront her and offer to help in any way I can. She may not know that I know...she puts on a front of "being clean" and "doing the right thing" for her child.<P>3) Make her family aware and participate in an Intervention (essentially have her put in treatment) Family has history...parents recovering alcoholics/drug users who have been clean for years. Siblings also have history...still using and/or have been through treatment.<P>Problems with each option:<P>1) I don't know that I can sit by and watch her kill herself (with drugs) or destroy her life with child, etc.<P>2) May not work...don't know that I have what it takes to help her rid her life of the poisons...may not want my help...she may be very resentfull and it may terminate what we do have for a relationship. (emotional...friendship...courting)<P>3) She WILL be resentfull and hatefull.<BR>She will have much conflict with her family.<BR>She may lose her child (temporarily maybe).<P>I guess I feel afraid to lose what we have now. I know that if she continues, the outcome will be devastating and we will still lose it.<BR>I know if I participate (or help initiate by telling) in an intervention, it will end what we have now.<BR>I don't know how she will take it if I sit down and have a frank conversation with her...offer my help, show her that I care...offer my opinion on what the outcome of her actions may be...be supportive...tell her that she matters (to me and others)...etc.<BR>I also feel selfish. My goal here should be to help her get away from drugs and give herself and her child a chance for a "normal" life. This should be my main concern with regards to her...but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't do anything to make her resent me. I don't want to give up the love we have (whatever you call it...the feeling when my stomach has butterflies...the concern for each other...or at least me for her).<P>Even though I have these feelings...I know that I cannot be selfish...I know that I cannot just ignore this problem hoping it will go away and everything will be fine.<P>I know that she is headed down a road of destruction...I know that I cannot sit by and watch.<P>Maybe I should walk away...not like she asked me for help...not like I don't have my own problems to deal with?!<P>What do I do?<BR>I am leaning towards #2...telling her that I am concerned, how I feel, what I am willing to do to help...<BR>Heck, I would babysit while she goes to counseling/support group...I would go with her if she needed/wanted...I would just be there when she wanted to talk or had the urge to do drugs and needed someone to help her stay away.<P>

Harley,<BR>As you well know addicts dont get well because someone who cares for them wants them to. I was in a 5 yr relationship with an addict. I enabled for a long time but finally realized until this person hit rock bottom he was never going to change/get help.<BR>I helped him from hitting bottom and it was I who ended up hurt. IMO you can be her friend but not a friend who enables. Yes, it will be quite sad if she breaks probabtion and loses her child. She know the consequences of her actions. I think going to open AA,NA meeting would show support. Is she in 12 step programs consistantly? Is she clean? I like the intervention idea. It is apparent that you care a great deal for this lady. Your a kind and caring person Harley keep being her friend but keep reminding yourself that 1)She really isnt your responsibility 2) She must be the one ready to make a change in her life...for herself only. I hope she gets the help she needs and gets on a path of recovery! <BR>ruby

Ruby,<BR>Thanks for your input.<BR>I thought that she had "hit bottom" with her time in jail. Maybe she didn't hit hard enough to decide to quit.<BR>She is not in a 12-step program.<BR>She is not clean.<P>I know that she isn't my responsibility, but I want to help. I know sometimes the best form of help is just being there to listen, etc. I know that she may not want my "help".<BR>I also don't want to abandon her...or for her to feel like nobody cares...because I do. I know her family does too.<P>I know that she must want to change...and I know that she knows that no good can come of the using.<BR>I think that she is just so low and doesn't feel love, self-worth, etc. that she is looking for an escape.<P>I am by no means an expert. I hit a low when I was using and that made me quit. I did not go through a 12-step program. I "sucked it up" and decided what I wanted in life (at least what I did not want).<P>I have talked with her about my drug use...told her what happened and why I quit.<BR>This was during the conversation in which I told her how proud of her I was...how I thought it was great that she is being a great mom even though it was an unexpected pregnancy, etc. (She was understanding and a listening ear when I was going through marital problems).<P>I have decided what I will do...at least the first thing I will do.<BR>I am going to sit down and talk with her.<BR>As hard as I know it will be, I am going to try to do it without being judgemental or blaming, but rather just showing her that she DOES matter and she is cared about...showing her that I am willing to be there however I can.<BR>I will not go the route of intervention yet.<BR>I know that would rip apart her family.<BR>I know that I am not ready to do that for/to her yet.<BR>I will STILL continue to be there for her...do activities with her...talk with her, but I will not be a part of hiding/condoning her drug use. I will remove myself from that situation.<P>I have taken a pledge to myself...a pledge to be honest. To never lie to anyone...to be open about everything. I don't mean I tell everyone everything...but I feel as though I shouldn't have to or want to hide anything from anyone I care about.<BR>I cannot sit by and see the cover up of what is going on without saying something.<BR>If it ends up that I must not see her at all, I will do that...but I know that I can't watch her kill herself. I have seen that too many times already in my lifetime.<P>Thanks,<BR>harley