Hi all,<p>I feel like I have been logging in to MB for forever &#8211; but really it is just since early 1999 when I discovered my H&#8217;s affair. I spent a long time in plan A (almost 2 years!) while H went back and forth between us. I counseled with Steve, spent time (5 mos or so) in plan B, and now my marriage is finally ending. H is still with OW &#8211; against the odds and statistics. She has now met my children and life &#8211; as surreal as it still seems sometimes is going on.<p>I know I did everything thing I could to give my marriage a chance. And I learned how the little things can destroy a relationship without your even realizing it. But mostly I learned that no relationship can be renewed without the desire and commitment of both people in it. I understand fully how lovebanks are drained, how feelings can be hurt and destroyed, how affairs and attractions can happen to us all. But I still get stuck sometimes that when things blow up in a marriage &#8211; a partner can and will choose to leave without really ever truly giving the marriage his attention, there are no guarantees that you will get a real chance. I am still stunned sometimes that my H lacked that commitment; I question what the promises of marriage are for, if not to embody that commitment, but that is the reality. I never had it from my H from the time the affair started (and admittedly for some time before), and with time it became clear that I never again would. And I have to wonder if I ever did. I know he loved me, and he never claimed he did not. But love and commitment are light years apart for some&#8230;<p>Today is my divorce. I signed the final documents yesterday and neither of us needs to be in court today for the filing and judge&#8217;s signature. I feel sad but relieved. MB helped prepare me for this outcome and I know things will slowly keep improving, as they already have. My H lives in another city. The kids visit about 1/weekend month and longer over the summer. Our life has a new shape and routine to it. Things will be OK. The future is not scary because I have learned I am capable of great things &#8211; they may just be different than those things I originally imagined.<p>I cannot name everyone who was so important to me in the depths of my despair. There are so many&#8230;Distressed, K, lor, Wassi, Sidney, Roll Me Away, Lilly, Chris123, new woman (now Nyneve), TNT, very sad, Hoping, catnip, Dmac, Suze, Animac, and I know there are tons more, but unfortunately can&#8217;t prod my poor memory with a search of the &#8220;old&#8221; database anymore. I just wanted some kind of tribute to all of you who in your worst hurt and pain can reach out and give others a lift &#8211; or even just an ear, and in some cases the exact right advice for the moment. I will never be bitter or lose faith in the future, because I have experienced the courage, decency and brilliant humanity of all of you.<p>Thank you. I wish you all peace.<p>Starpony

Oh starpony!! Hi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I saw your name and I got goosebumps, for REAL!! I am so happy to read this update. <p>And, you know what? You sound GOOD, and STRONG, and ... and... just WONDERFUL.<p>I am so sorry that your marriage ended... and yet, I know that you are going to be better than okay, because you did this the RIGHT WAY! You are an insipiration, truly.<p>Continue to take GOOD CARE, starpony. And, whenever you come to visit, you have to keep that name for always... as I told you before, it is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES!!<p>Hugs,
Sheryl

Starpony - Wow! It's so good to hear from you again.<p>It sounds like you are healing well. While I wish things had turned out differently on the legal aspects, I am glad that you are doing so well. <p>Thank you for remembering us. There are many here who still remember you and others who would be blessed by the wisdom you could offer. Come back and see us again soon.

Starpony,<p>Thank you for the update. I'm very sorry that your marriage ended. You can be proud of yourself. No one can say that you didn't give it your best. You learned a lot, went through a lot of discomfort throughout this painful process, but you still came out a winner. You will have a great future. I just know it. You are a survivor!

They don't have emoticons with tears.<p>I am just sooooo sad for you, Starpony. Really I am. Yes, you will be okay, but still - it is still a very very very sad day. <p>Thank you so very much for writing to us, to let us share this awful time with you. I just don't understand how your husband could have not seen what a wonderful wife he had in you. What a big shame and big loss. No one will ever be to him what you were. No one. <p>I will now stop praying for your marriage - but I will continue to pray for you. I am just so incredibly sad for you, I wish we could sit down and have a bottle of wine together and just drown in tears over the stupidity of your husband to let you go. <p>But, you are right - you are going to come out of this and you are going to have a wonderful life. When you are ready, I pray the Lord gives you a husband that is HIS gift to you. You certainly deserve to have 100% devotion the next time around.<p>God Bless You
TnT

Starpony,
Thank you for the update. You and I, and so many of the others you named, were tired old Plan A fighters. You can look back at those efforts with no regrets, you did everything you could to stay at the point where reconciliation was possible.<p>I'm proud of you.<p>I pray for you wisdom & strength as your journey continues.<p>Big hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Starpony}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Starpony,<p>You may be sad, but you sound terrific. I wrote to Jo (Resiliant) today, and I'll tell you the same thing: you should be very proud that you did all you could for your marriage, and held your vows with such respect. You're already reaping the benefit of doing this---you will recover much quicker, and with less angst, then people who immediately reach for divorce.<p>I'm sorry for the end result---I would have loved to see your marriage restored. But I'm really happy to see you drop by, and you do sound terrific!

Starpony, I used the blue arrow for this post, blue for sad that things turned out this way for things turned, but the arrow to say you keep going girl ! I know you tried as hard as you could, but affairs do change things in a marriage. Some make it after and some don't no matter how hard you try. As others have said you do sound good, and I know you will be ok. Just don't disappear from here for so long again !<p>So you seen the MB party bus or barge lately ? My Garth CD's are getting dusty. HEY ! Stop throwing things you guys ! {{{{{{Starpony}}}}}}

Starpony,<p>I remember you too....and it sounds like you're doing okay.<p>I can realte 100% to what you wrote. I'm in almost the exact same shoes, although we are just now starting the divorce process. It is sad, but like you said...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But mostly I learned that no relationship can be renewed without the desire and commitment of both people in it. <hr></blockquote><p>That's my H too. He too is living with the OW still and yet, he's not really happy. I know he loved me (still does); he just didn't have what it takes to work at the marriage.<p>Anyway, I'm doing pretty good too most days and I have hope for the future. <p>It's YOU who are tribute to all of us! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep the faith!
Aloha,
Ms.O

Starpony<p>It was so good to see your name on a thread. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I saw it over on GQII. I clicked on your link and ended up here. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I believe you were one of the very first people to post to be back in May of 1999. I remember you so well, your kind and wise words. Your encouragement even though you were facing the fight of your own dragon from hell. You helped me more than you can ever know! I remember your fight for your marriage and the diligence in which you carried out all the plans. <p>I chose the blue arrow because I copied Deb. I couldn't find the appropriate icon to show the correct emotion. There isn't one with a tear and we can't use two at a time, which certainly would have served my purpose on this thread.

I am so very sorry that you had to have this day. I have to agree with what TNT said about your husband. He has missed out on a wonderful life with a fantastic wife. I too will continue to pray for you & yours. I can feel deep inside that you are going to be okay, even better than okay. I will pray for the Lord to bless you in all ways and to bring the perfect person for you into your life to be your companion and mate. You deserve only the best. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your marriage may be legally ended now, and that's a death of something promised and hoped for. This day is also a new lease on life and a promise of new adventures and excitement. It seems like you and the children are very settled into a calm routine. You've learned so much and grown so very much. You have achieved so much that I sure hope you are able to share some of that valuable knowledge & insight here on this site? Not just this section of the forum but on all the sections. You have just so much to offer here. You haven't failed, you have Survived and that is exactly what this whole forum is about. You can be proud and look in the mirror knowing you did all you could do to repair your marriage. <p>You are so right when you say that it takes two. Yes, often some WS are extremely reluctant in the beginning, (sometimes for an incredibly long time [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) but they have to come around for it to work. You did all the right things and tried with all your might. I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished.<p>Please do keep in touch. We have missed you around here and have thought of you often. Nyvene/New Beginning/Sheryl and I were just speaking of you a week or so ago. Wondering what had happened to you? Now we know and it's SO good to hear from you. Don't be a stranger okay? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Major {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Starpony}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and much love to you,<p>[ November 01, 2001: Message edited by: A blessed Samantha ]</p>

Starpony, Although I am sad you are divorced now I am glad you are still strong, just like I knew you would be. Like everyone says you gave it your best. I wish you the very best on your new journey in life now. Because of the fantastic person you are I know it is going to be a wonderfull one and if you choose to share it with someone else ever they will be a very lucky person.<p>Lilly

Good to see you Starpony. Sad of the news. But you sound great. I have nothing original to add here but I wanted to say hi.

{{{{{Starpony}}}}}}}}
I don't get on the computer much anymore so I am a little late.
You know I wish things had turned out differently for you. I have a feeling though that you are going to make this outcome into something better than you ever could have imagined.<p>You are such a special person. In all of this time at MB I can't remember a single time that you expressed anger or bitterness. You have such a kind heart.<p>The things you have learned are very important lessons. We must all try to remember what we have learned from this.<p>How are the children?
Take care of yourself my friend. And don't disappear!

Dearest friend,<p>My thoughts go out to you and your children. I understand so much of what you wrote, Starpony. My sympathy for the death of your family as you knew and loved it. My strongest wishes for a new and renewed sense of family - a strong and loving one for you and your children. <p>You are definitely right - at some point you have to have 2 people wanting it to make the marriage work. You have a loving heart and an indominable spirit, Starpony. You are a SURVIVOR. You have endured much and learned much, yet the light within you shines ever brightly for ALL to see. You have done so much to support so many here, me included. For that, I take this opportunity to thank YOU!<p>God bless you and continue to give you the strength and fortitude to forge ahead and find the happiness and peace you so richly deserve!!!!<p>Desiree

Hello Starpony,
I am sorry to read of your divorce. But have to echo those before me that you were truly one of the best at plan a!!! Thanks for your help when I needed you to listen.
You have learned and grown so very much through all this.
Best wishes to you. Aloha, cl

Hey StarPony,<p>Remember me? The Village Idiot? Sorry to hear of the impending D. You gave it your best shot like most of us here have. Same as what everyone else has said.<p>Wishing us all the Best. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Wonderful to see all of you turn out here! I remain grateful for all of your support. Things continue to get better and better here. I even had a date last weekend! And determined that taking things VERY slow is just about right for me for now. all my best to all of you...<p>Nyneve - thanks for your kind words - I will try to visit occasionally.<p>Cinderella - I don't know about wisdom but I can offer hard won experience. Thanks for saying hello.<p>Survivor - from one survivor to another. Thanks. Hope you are well.<p>TNT - please don't cry, and thank you for your prayers. I truly feel this will be for the best - though I don't know what the future has for me yet. Take care of yourself too.<p>Lor - Thanks for the hugs. There is a huge amount of relief that I have that comes with having fought hard - even if the outcome wasn't what I had hoped for - I continue to wish you and Guard all the best (go Rams!)<p>K - thanks for your words of encouragement. And even the sadness is already fading some. I will try to stop by once in a while. Continued success to you and your wife.<p>Hey Deb! How could I have forgotten the party bus? Thanks for your kind words.<p>Ms. O - I wish you all the best as you continue your journey. Like your H, I don't know if mine is really any happier either. But I will be....and that's all any of us can control.<p>Sam - sniff - thanks for your touching words. I'll try not to be a stranger.<p>Lilly - even YOU came out to say hi! I hope all continues to go well for you.<p>Paul - and how are you? Well I hope?<p>Wassi - thanks for the hugs. The kids are doing well. The more I see of some other divorce situations, the more I understand that ex-H and I are really managing this well - with the kids interests first. And I am very grateful for that. I hope you are well and happy.<p>Desiree - Thank you. I'm all choked up. Your example has guided me too. take care.<p>cl - Hi old friend. I could never have done all I did without support from you and everyone. be well.<p>Medic - How appropriate to end with your inevitable jokes and cheeriness. I wish you continued happiness.