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Joined: Jun 2000
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Hi everyone,<p>I have been D for 5 months now. Big bad 'ol infidelity story, like many here.<p>If it was up to my XH, we would be talking from "time to time" as he has said or actually requested. I will not participate. I told him when he announced he was filing for D, that Divorce means the end of our relationship. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H is with his OW, they don't live together but they might as well.<p>I can not have contact with my XH while he is involved with OW. It hurts too much.<p>Is there anyone else out there that has completely cut off contact with their ex? If so, hows it going for you?<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

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That's pretty much the tack that I've taken. My former spouse moved all the way across the country, so there is no face to face contact. I don't answer phone calls from her area code. I'll answer email, but I only respond to pragmatic requests (I looked for, found and mailed her passport last week).<p>After our divorce she tried to be chatty and conversational. She said she wanted to "divorce as friends." I'm not sure I ever successfully communicated that friends don't lie and cheat and betray like she did.<p>Personally, my life improved dramatically when I stopped taking her calls.<p>brian

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I have had virtualy no contact and it has hurt like heck to say the least, but I am not hurting myself by listening to her blame me for everything that she has decided to do. Over all I must say I feel better off, even though it seems hard at times, I quess I don't feel that I have been able to bring closure to the ending of it since I didnt get a chance or a choice to participate in the final desicion.

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I talk only about the kids, and basically have to keep correcting her on her perceptions of our agreements and conversations. In other words, I only talk to her if i have to and most of the time, she speaks manipulative crap, and I have to argue with her so that she understands I don't agree with her manipulative statements.<p>Now, when I drop off the kids, I ask her schedule questions if I have to, and that's it. no conversations, although she doesn't understand why the soccer coaches call me instead her. i am on the soccer board, i have been involved as a coach for several years. She thinks that everyone should know that she is the primary for whatever reason. . . and constantly asks me why they call me first. . . . (since I go to all the games, know all the coaches, and coach and play with them.)<p>oh well, her loss.<p>As i mentioned in another post, i helped the oldest son use her color printer, and I asked her a simple question, and got blamed for her ignorance, which is more of the NPD, and i just verbally defeat her blaming me at every turn. She is slowly finding out that she does not control me and the kids still love me, even though she doesn't, and that i support the kids and teach the kids very well, and the kids are caught between disappointing her with her guilt trips, and my very tough, you are responsible for yourself, and do not control my house. . . that she doesn't want to talk to me. . . . yeeee - haaaa!!!!<p>so i talk to her more than you do, but only to keep her straight and resistant to thinking she can manipulate me, and controls the entire situation. . . . the more i read about NPD, the more i realize she has OCD from her mother and NPD from her father and grandmother. . . .<p>tom

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>NPD</strong><hr></blockquote><p>NPD? I know OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive). I got the Myers-Briggs (MBTI) acronyms (I'm ISTJ, my spouse was ENFP).<p>What's NPD?<p>brian

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hey there my friend<p>i'm still here, reading every one of your posts (and Lora's) not posting much b/c...well for a lot of reasons really, but caring lots about how you guys are doing.<p>it takes a long time, huh? to feel good again.<p>a good atty helps the pain a little bit (smile)<p>sounds like Steve is still wanting contact...good for you for protecting yourself. the concept of remaining "friends" after all this escapes me too, I guess it could be best for the kids, but it's not for me...I'm not in Plan B or anything, I'm done, but I guess I still wonder if my Steve and I were really ever friends. Just kinda sad isn't it. I'd love to have a real talk soon...maybe we can make it a little birthday present to ourselves. <p>I care, and read and watch and pray for you guys and all of us here. <p>allison (jo)

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I also made a promise to myself not to continue communication with my soon to be ex. She initially stated that she wanted to be 'great friends' and I never answered. Stopped calling her as soon as I found out she filed. She called a few times, and emailed a few times, and I guess she got the hint and gave up. She filed for D about 2 months ago, and we have not spoken since. The D should be final in about 1 month. I really think that the no contact thing is helping me get on with my life. I could care less about what happens to her now. There are times I think the friendship would have value because we have known each other for 10 yrs, but what keeps me from initiating contact is the memory of betrayal. Just seeing the image of her face as she lied to me disgusts me and I remember that I did not marry what she is now. The person I wanted to reconcile with is not there anymore, and something else has inhabited her body. When I think about it that way, it is VERY easy to let go. If any of you out there have trouble letting go but you know it is better for you, just think about how they betrayed you and remember the image of their face as they lied to you and said hurtful things. Take care all.

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I agree with everyone who has cut their X out of their life. Just after our divorce I told my X I could not just be his friend - its all or nothing. He said well then if I don't want to be friends he understands. So I went through another mourning period believing it is now the end, and I will not hold any hope of getting together again. And those 2 weeks I have gotten stronger and felt better about things. But yesterday he contacted me via sms, but I haven't responded. It is difficult and hurts but if I open myself up again, I am going to be hurt again. And like a lot of you have said, you remember the hurtful things and lies - and that helps to cut contact.<p>Pantha

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NPD, unofficially i guess its
narcissistic personality disorder.

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I haven't cut my stbx out of my life, but I really want to. She left me. She decided it would be better to live by herself than with me. She should live with that. I never abused her, not even verbally, never became violent. I supported her 100%. She'll say so, too. She says she just "doesn't have the spark we had when we were married".<p>I totally agree with CincyBrian - be practical. Respond to legitimate requests that only you can fulfill. It's just the decent thing to do.My wife asked me for copies of paperwork for her citizenship application, and I was responsive and helpful. I'm also keeping on the lookout for papers and photographs I think she'd need or want. I just wish I could limit it to that.<p>For the first couple weeks after she told me she wanted to divorce, it was just business things. Lately she calls "just to talk". She's lonely now. And she actually says she wants to "be able to depend on our friendship". I think that's a load of crap. She can't leave me and expect to remain true friends, can she? It seems that I'm the one doing all the emotional support work. What the hell about me?<p>Until our divorce is final - and that's going to be a good 8 months from now at least - I am going to be diplomatic, just so things don't get ugly. But once it is final, I really think she should be on her own - for her own good and mine. That's what divorce is, after all, isn't it?

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I do not have any contact with my ex unless I have to and if I have to communicate over a business transaction I write him a letter. There have been time when him and his New LOVELY wife want to meet me somewhere to discuss things (mainly to just make a show) but I have avoiding these inmature encounters. ou are not alone-the only thing that gets to me is my pride I would love to just knock the OW one but just knowing what she is living with helps me!!!

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No, you're not the only one.<p>I tried very hard to be friendly, but it was just too painful. She blasted me for the last time in June 2001 (divorce was final in May) and after that it was no more Mr. Nice Guy. Voice mail or email communication only unless it's a genuine emergency.<p>I deal with her on issues relating to the kids and ignore everything else. She got the house, the kids, most of the income, and her lovers. All I want out of the deal is distance and silence.<p>--
o2bsane@hotmail.com

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STBX moved out and has been the one innitiating contact. Up until now - because I was hoping he would at some point wake up - I was allowing contact... But, no more. I'm done listening to his whines about being lonely, and life not being worth living, and all the problems he has with being a father (he doesn't support or visit the kids). I think the novelty of a 'friendly divorce' is an oxymoron at best! I don't think it's possible.<p>And to be honest - hope(and love) does eventually die - if you shoot it in the b*tt enough times!<p>Jan

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My SBXW is still in the house. I look at her and only see the betrayal, lies and just a lot of mean things said. We have three children so until the D is final I only deal with issues that pertain to the children. I keep my distance, I don't love her any longer and just feel sorry for the children. I'm going for custody and expect to get it. Multiple A have worn me out. I just want my children and my life back. In short no communication at all.

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I have been divorced for 4 yrs. Ex left me for OW. He is still with her, but they are not married, although have lived together since divorce. At first there was too much anger on both our parts for us to even think about being any kind of friends. We have four children together, so we do have to have some communication on occasion. Time has healed a lot of the pain on both our parts, and this last yr we have actually begun a very nice friendship. We have gone out to lunch several times and are able to discuss other subjects besides the children. I think the newness of the affair relationship has worn off big time, and he sees me in a new light-I am no longer the whiny, pleading woman he left. We have both done a lot of growing. I am surprized he has not married the OW by now, but I am at the point that I could care less. It seems to me if they have lived together this long, why bother with a ceremony?? I wouldn't think it would be anything special or mean very much after this amt of time. Oh, well, not my concern.
Time has taken away a lot of the pain and heartache, but I, too, will never forget the lies, and betrayal,while he looked directly at me. What I find most interesting, is that he is still doing it, but this time to the OW, not me! I used to be so jealous of her, but knowing what I do now, I feel sorry for her.

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Because we have kids I occasionally have to see him - like tomorrow at their swim meet.<p>Mainly we restrict our contact to email. I can't handle seeing the face I loved for half my life looking back at me with such cold empty eyes. Or to hear that voice with no love in it. Its just too too painful.<p>Neither of my kids wants to see him right now - and he's trying to put the guilt on the 15 year old that he's supposed to spend every other weekend with him... But he's not pushing very hard because he knows the judge isn't going to force a 15 year old to do something he doesn't want to.<p>I wrote an email full of emotion to someone I thought was a friend. In it I said I hated him so much that I'd kill him if I get the chance. Well, he got his hands on this and took it to his lawyer and they documented it at the courthouse and said they'd call the cops on me if I make any more threats. Can you believe it? How many of you haven't uttered those words in the middle of the emotional distress they brought on??!!

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jabber:
<strong>...I quess I don't feel that I have been able to bring closure to the ending of it since I didnt get a chance or a choice to participate in the final desicion.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Me, too. No marital counseling, no nothing. He just ran out the door. I HATE that I wasn't given a chance to do anything or even have any say about whether or not we divorced. It feels so wrong that it was all HIS decision and it just didn't matter what I wanted. I feel like he STOLE my marriage from me.<p>We have two kids and once in a while we have to talk, but I try hard to keep it to email. After 22 years seeing that face and hearing that voice without the love I associate with them is too painful. He turned into a stranger overnight and I still can't deal with that.

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Separated March 1999, I filed July 1999.
I never refused to talk to him....he refused to talk to me!!!!!!
I stated all along that I would have a business relationship with him regarding the children only.He wanted to be best friends...while with OW and emotionally controlling and manipulating me at the same time!<p> STBX has refused to iniate any communication with me at all (guilt and owplay a HUGE role here).
He calls the kids on a separate phone line, so never has to speak to me
4 Kids...many crises...he will not meet with me regarding any kids issues, occassionally will answer my very infrequent phone call re a kid...
OW very involved in trying to turn the kids against me for the past 2 and a half years...oh well, if they want to believe the lies and manipulation, I can do no more for them....!<p>IT has been difficult for the kids and myself....because while he will not communicate with me at all, he uses the kids as spies/messengers etc to find out about my life, which is none of his business now anyway. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</p>

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H hasnt called home since July, he could at least call son or email, we have no phone # for H, told son he was too busy to call, H only gets to see him on ea sun 10am to 7pm,he still calls OW daily because her H told me number is on her caller Id, OW is trying to be friends with her H. Told H he could not come in our home anymore. Im mad at H because he tells friends that it wasnt A, we just couldnt get along, H wanted both of us, Told H we could try to get along if he would tell the truth.
M-17yrs
D-D 4-28-2001
Filed 8-2001
OW Filed D 9-2001
C-s-12, s-28, GD-6


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