Hey guys,
Quick update,<p>In the past week I have said less than 10 words to my H.<p>They included on Sunday, "Thanks, I've got it from here" This was when he brought them home at 9:20 knowing son was singing in choir special and needed to be at church at 9:30. I gathered them up and was in the house in less than 30 seconds and shut door behind me. <p>Only other contact was this morning when I passed him in the driveway leaving. I said " All you have left is shoes & socks. I have to go" (I had company coming to work and had to be there early)<p>All other days I've had kids ready and out the door as soon as he pulls up and I've gone straight to the shower (door locked)just in case he thinks about coming in the house to speak to me.<p>I beleive that he thinks I'm playing a game and that I'll break first. Don't get me wrong, this is very hard. I still love him and hate that he is living with OW, who doesn't even know there was any hope for our marriage. I miss talking to him. I miss hugging him. I miss hearing about his night at work, etc. BUT I've been firm so far in avoiding him and everyday gets a bit easier. I still cry at night over my lost dreams and my lonliness, but I am getting stronger and not getting sucked back in to his "be my best friend" game is helping me.<p>I was thinking of breaking one rule and sending him a small flower or ballon arrangement on Tuesday. It is our son's 6th birthday and I just wanted the card to read something like:<p>Thanks for the gift of our son, 6 years ago today,<p>We love you,<p>Goofy Idea.. I know but it accomplishes 1 thing. One it lets other woman know I still love him and may place some doubt in her mind if he has told her otherwise. I wrote her a letter once but did not send it based on advice from my MB crewmates. It wasn't a bad letter but at the time it served no purpose either. It was directed more towards H than her anyway, I later found out by re-reading it a month or so later.. H did read it.<p>I don't plan on talking to him and I really don't care if sending arrangement is seen as LB by him. I'm in Plan B not Plan A anymore.<p>Does anyone have any suggestions? Is this strictly against MB rules to thank him for my son, even if there is an alternative motive. I'm sure he will see right through it but at this point I have nothing to lose. I've lost him anyway. <p>He hired a lawyer and our first motion hearing is in 3 weeks.<p>Any ideas?<p>PP

Well, I'll bite. My first reaction was, "Oh No! Don't do it!!" But, now I am not so sure.
My H (who has also filed) sent me an anniversary card that said, among other things,"...that Sept. 6 would always be special to him because it was the beginning of what led to the birth of the three most beautiful children on earth." <p>It was really very kind and loving. And, we do need to be kind and loving to each other if we can, even as a divorced couple - because we will always parent together. <p>Now, in my situation there are no affairs (we have a whole host of problems to deal with), so adding the element of the OW is foreign to me. But, in this example the focus is on your son, not your Husband or even your marriage.<p>The only thing I may change is instead of "thanking" him, I may say something like, "in honor of the gift we share" ...<p>I'm sure you'll get other thoughts. BTW, GREAT JOB ON THE PLAN B!!!!!<p>Best,
M

Hi Peoplepleaser,<p>I'm glad you're doing such a great job with Plan B. I know it must be so hard. I'm headed there myself. I don't think you'd be harming anything with sending the balloon or flower. I like the idea of recognizing the wonderful gift your son is, but I agree with Wiffle about not saying thank you. This whole thing could gently remind your WH of what he has given up and in addition it will probably drive the OW nuts and maybe even get her to do some LB. Good luck and hang in there!<p>K

Thanks so much, <p>I like the suggested new wording better too. <p>I suppose it is wrong because the jab is really at the OW but I think my H will appreciate it too on some level. I know he still wants to be friends and this plan B thing is something he was very afraid of. At this point, I don't see much hope for our marriage because of his living arrangements but I want her to know that our marriage did not fail because I didn't love him anymore. <p>I will help me be more at peace with moving on. I have accepted that I will never have answers to all my "what happened" questions but at least I won't have to wonder forever if OW knew she played a part in our divorce. H says that she doesn't know there was a possibility that we could work out our marriage problems. I don't know what she has been told or what she thinks.<p>Some days I don't care. I just want to do this. <p>Call me petty but I think it will make me feel better. If it makes my H feel guilty who cares? He is guilty.<p>
Son is having problems in school with listening and acting up. I'm sure it has alot to do with his Dad buying him anything he wants and catering to his every need when he has them. No discipline is ever involved. Last week son got comments 4 of 5 days about not listening to his teachers. What does he get for his bad weekly report from Dad? His own copy of Shreck, a trip to movies to see Monsters, Inc., at least $20 worth of junk at the flea market and Wal-Mart, out to eat twice and a new pellet gun to shoot targets. They did all this with OW and her kid from Friday at 4 pm to Sunday at 9 am. <p>Of course I'm the bad mommy who tries to talk to son about his behavior. It makes me sick. I know he feels guilty but buying their love with no true parenting is so counterproductive in the long run. I saw it with my younger brother when my parents divorced.( I was 17, he was 11)<p>Just rambling now. Thanks for the replies... More requested please!<p>PP

Good idea... <p>1) LOVE wiffle's wording - much better.<p>2) it could meet some of his emotional needs (Plan A when possible - avoid LB if possible)<p>3) it demonstrates that YES you two do have something BEYOND just yourselves to share... your beautiful kids (still remember the candle vigil they held - wasn't that your kids)?<p>4) might set OW off as stillreeling stated... oh now why does that bring a sense of GLEE to me!? Anyway, you can't deny that you're both parents so you might as well be NICE to him on that front even if he SUCKS as a husband!<p>Take care and let us know what happens... Oh, and how did he ever read that other letter that you wrote to the OW? <p>AND, lastly, CONGRATULATIONS on your turning point on implementing a successful Plan B. It's NOT a game... it's about putting boundaries on YOUR heart... so that you can preserve whatever love you have left for him without draining it dry by capitulating to his needs to have you as a "best friend" and the OW as something else.<p>Warmly,
Nicole

I was thinking of breaking one rule and sending him a small flower or ballon arrangement on Tuesday. It is our son's 6th birthday and I just wanted the card to read something like:<p>Thanks for the gift of our son, 6 years ago today,<p>We love you,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!<p>DON’T DO IT!!!<p>Goofy Idea
Not a goofy idea, but a very good idea from the heart and an excellent idea IF you were in Plan A.<p>One it lets other woman know I still love him and may place some doubt in her mind if he has told her otherwise. I wrote her a letter once but did not send it based on advice from my MB crewmates.
Pardon my ignorance, but...
You did send your h a Plan B letter, yes?<p>Did you send the ow a copy of this Plan B letter also? At the end you should write something to her such as;
“To OW,
I still love h with all my heart and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.”<p>This is to let the ow know what is going on in your head.<p>I will help me be more at peace with moving on. I have accepted that I will never have answers to all my "what happened" questions but at least I won't have to wonder forever if OW knew she played a part in our divorce. H says that she doesn't know there was a possibility that we could work out our marriage problems. I don't know what she has been told or what she thinks.
I guess you didn’t send it to her.
I suggest you DO IT NOW! He may be telling her you kicked him out, you filed for divorce, you don’t want to be married, etc. This will set it straight to her.<p>I don't plan on talking to him and I really don't care if sending arrangement is seen as LB by him. I'm in Plan B not Plan A anymore.
It isn’t seen as a LB (by MB anyway) but as fulfilling some of his needs. Plan B you do NOT do this in any way if at all possible.<p>Does anyone have any suggestions? Is this strictly against MB rules to thank him for my son, even if there is an alternative motive. I'm sure he will see right through it but at this point I have nothing to lose. I've lost him anyway.
Which is the reason Plan B MUST be so strict. To help wean you off your h and show h what it is like without you.<p>I know he still wants to be friends and this plan B thing is something he was very afraid of.
What do you think he was “afraid of” in Plan B? Do Plan B & let it work it’s mojo. If you end up divorced and wish to “remain friends” then that is a choice you can make. However until then, you need to stick to Plan B to give you marriage the best chance.<p>Look at it this way. By maintaining contact/friendship with your h while he is living with ow, what does he have to lose? Not you, because you keep maintaining SOME sort of contact. So nothing will change for him except it will be seen as “okay” that he is living with someone else since he will no longer be married. Less pressure on them.<p>Be strong.<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

PP,<p>You are doing a GREAT plan B! Way to go, girl!<p>As for any contact during Plan B, here is what Steve H told me when I was counseling withhim. If you run into your H, keep it short, but use Plan A techniques (be nice and upbeat, etc.) Sounds like you did that perfectly when he dropped off the kids with only 10 minutes to get son to church.<p>I asked Steve about sending my thenH a card when I was in PlanB. He said it was OK, if I felt I needed to let him know the door was still open. I made some homemade goodies (his favorite) and left them for him to get with a nice card. Guess what - he brought MY homemade goodies to OW's house and shared them with her! In hindsight, I should have just done Plan B as it is intended - NO CONTACT. But, that was my case.<p>My thoughts are this: if you think there is any chance your H does not understand that the door is still open, you might want to send a card to let him know. If you feel satisfied that you did make that perfectly clear, then let Plan B do what it needs to do. As long as both you and the OW have contact with your H, then both of you are still meeting some of his needs. One aspect of Plan B is to allow the OW her chance to meet ALL of your H's needs, and you none of them. If she can, their relationship will likely grow stronger. However, if she can't, this is the impetus your H needs to see that, and that will likely signal the beginning of the end of the affair.<p>Keep focusing on YOURSELF! At this point, you have done all that you can. Your H is the only one who can decide to come back to the marriage, and he needs an incentive to do so - Plan B and a new, improved people pleaser!<p>You are doing a GREAT job! Desiree

Yes Nicole, those were my little angels with the candles.<p>My son also was carrying around a magic 8 ball asking it when his Daddy was coming home.... It makes me sad but when he is with Daddy, he is too busy being spoiled to death to even think about us not being a family anymore.<p>I think the card will read:<p>In honor of the gift
God gave us 6 yrs ago today,<p>I still love you,<p>
I know there are those who say don't do it but I this has been on my mind alot. I don't think it would be smart at this point to send plan B letter to OW because I know H would see that as a major problem. He doesn't want me to talk to her. I've never even seen her. He knows how I feel. <p>I don't expect a reaction or anything to come of this. It is just something that has been laying on my heart and mind and I want to do it. <p>I appreciate all the advise, yea and nay. I hope the nay-sayers don't take offense at my non-acceptance of their advice. It really is appreciated.<p>PP

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:
I appreciate all the advise, yea and nay. I hope the nay-sayers don't take offense at my non-acceptance of their advice. It really is appreciated.<hr></blockquote><p>PP, the thing to remember about advice is that no matter what someone advises you, you have to make the choice and live with it. I've turned down some advice from people, here and elsewhere. Not because their advice was bad, but because I have to do what I think is best. That way, if things don't work out the way I want them to, I'll know who's responsible. It will be much better for my mental health. <p>I can't advise you on Plan B, since I ain't there. But I will say your question reminded me of my dilemma of our annivesary one month after she moved out. I got advice ranging from "invite her out for a date" to "send flowers to her office" to "play it cool, send her a nice but not mushy card" to "ignore it completely." I opted for the card, she thanked me for it, and I was glad I'd done it- it felt right, while dinner together at a candlelit restaurant would have been uncomfortable.<p>Do what you think is best. It may not "work," but it will be the best you can do, and no one (especially you) can fault you for that.

Isn't this the child he favors at the expense of the other kids? <p>Please DON'T do it for the sake of the kids, in case they get wind of it. They may interpret it to mean that favored son is favored with you as well as with him.<p>This will also give you emotional gratification...like giving a smoker just "one puff" and is delaying the length of recovery time you need in Plan B. That is just my take on it though.<p>Stop trying to please him!!!!!! Said with love and {{{{{{{{{{peoplepleaser}}}}}}}}}} hugs to you.

PP,
I, too, am glad you have come to your own conclusion about what you must do. Dabigtrain is absolutely right about advice. It is wonderful and much appreciated to get others' input, but at the end of the day you only have to please yourself.<p>If this is something, that as you said, has been weighing on your heart and mind I think there is a reason for that. You know your situation best. You know your heart best. <p>When we get strong enough to really trust ourselves and our instincts it is a powerful thing.<p>You go girl!

M2A<p>No, my H doesn't favor son over our daughter. He spoils them both equally, driving me nuts of course. <p>Thanks for your advice. I'm not doing this to play a game or to get a reaction from my children. They won't know about it unless he tells them. I'm sure the "little woman" will destroy the card even if the arrangement is still around 4 days later on his weekend....<p>PP