I'm having a terrible night. I don't know if anyone is still up but I can't stop crying. My son is acting up at school and the reality of being a single parent and primary disciplinarian is hitting home. <p>What I want to know is a very popular question I'm sure. How do I stop caring? I see the reality of my H living with OW. I see the fact that he is not meeting any of my needs. I see the fact that he doesn't care to spend time with me or try to work on our marriage. All these things say I should hate the SOB, but I don't. I feel robbed. I feel like I wasn't given a chance to meet his needs because I didn't know what they were. I feel cheated out of the future that I expected. I feel like I've lost my best friend because I have. My heart is betraying me. It's bad enough that my H betrayed me, now I can't even trust my own heart and mind to make good decisions.<p>Looking at the facts I should hate him. I should never want to see him again. I should make sure I'm financially protected in the settlement. BUT I'm not feeling any of those things. I'm stupid enough to still care more about him than I do myself. I can't separate "US" as a couple even though we have lived apart for almost 8 months now. <p>I need help. I don't want to hear what a jerk my H is. I know that already but for some reason it just will not sink in. I guess it is denial. I want to hear the words "I don't love you and I am never coming back" from his mouth so I can move on.<p>Why are the words necessary? All his actions say it loud and clear. I am so sad and frustrated and lonely. I know Plan B is where I need to be for my own sanity but how long does it take for reality to sink in. How long will I love him and be willing to forgive him for anything if he will come home. Am I going to feel this way forever?<p>Lots of questions, Sorry. I'm rambling, crying and I have a screaming headache. I'm also alone as in-laws took the kids christmas shopping. I haven't bought the first thing myself. Another reality I'm refusing to face.......<p>Please pray for me. I know my situation is not as bad as some others here because there was no physical or verbal abuse. No multiple affairs or I never loved you comments. I guess I'm lucky that my H and I have agreed on most of the division of property and neither of us is protesting anything. It could be worse but I can't get past the fact that it could be so much better. <p>having a pity party...... PP

everything you are feeling and thinking is normal, it gets better with time, I don't know if there is a way to just stop. I quess all we can do is just keep moving forward. No matter what you think or feel or how bad you want him back please make sure you protext yourself finacialy, don't give anything up thinking it will bring him back.

((((((((((((peoplepleaser)))))))))))))<p> I don't have much advice;I wrestle with similar issues. I just wanted to offer some support. To let you know that you are lovely and deserve to treat yourself well. Regardless of whatever relationship "strategy" you pursue.<p> I think that focusing on what he is or isn't will keep you from your real job. Loving yourself,which will show with how you deal with your kids, etc.<p> You deserve SO much better, but if you focus from the "victim" perspective, you won't get the "better" you deserve.<p> I pray for peace andlove for you and your kids. For your strength and that your husband finds wisdom.<p> Uh - I guess I did have advice<p> Dan

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:36 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:36 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

I really don't know what I would do without you guys. Thanks from the bottom of my broken heart. <p>Jabber, Family Man, Laura-Lee, I can't tell you how much the words you wrote mean to me. I lose sight of the big picture sometimes when I find myself lonely and frustrated. I do deserve better and I have to find a way to focus on God first, my children 2nd and myself 3rd. Focusing on what "might have been" is definately not getting me anywhere.<p>Thanks again for being there for me in my time of weakness and need. I never doubt why God led me to this forum. I am reminded constantly when I feel the love and support. <p>God Bless and Happy Veteran's Day. I'm at work and the parade will come right by my building in about 30 minutes. It looks to be a great crowd. God bless America!<p>PP

I got the book "How to fall out of love and LAnd on your feet" by Richard Silvestri & Bryna Taubman<p>I read it and it works, bigtime.<p>Non aggressive. sometimes funny. <p>I read it in 2 days as I didn't want to overdose on it. You basiclly re-establish behavior to a good thoughts when ever you think of the person.<p>Worked VERY well for me. Worked good the first week, very good the second week, excellent the 3rd.. and I was out of marital love by the end of the month.<p>I still love my X (I can say that now,, Yeppiee)
but now its like she just a moved away friend that I have to see to pick up my daughter, but don't feel I have to call.<p>amazon.com<p>Tex

Peoplepleaser,<p>I had some more thoughts for you.<p>Why did you fall in love with your H? Was he truly the "one"? Do you think you fell in love for other reasons related to your past instead of falling in love for the "right" reasons?<p>I sense in you an emptiness, a void that no man can ever fill...that you may be clinging to the idea that this was the man that could fill you up, and afraid to face the fact that no one can fill you up.<p>I don't know if any of that applies, it is how I've been thinking about my own marriage. I am by no means a "people pleaser" myself, but I was raised without my father's love and affection, and I think it left a hole that no one but God can fill.<p>I think it's a great sign that you are even asking these questions, that you are seeking to break out of your own fog.

M2A<p>I have examined my motives for marrying my H in threads earlier this year. I do love him but I sort of settled for someone safe at the time.<p>My parents divorced when I was 17. My Dad is a successful business man who was never satisfied with the basics. Always had to have the best. My Mom was a teacher. Mom spent life trying to make Dad happy. Long story short, Dad had an affair and Mom was devastated. <p>I know I intentionally stayed away from "business" types because I didn't want to live with someone who was so busy climbing the ladders of success that he forgot about me. <p>My H is a simple man, very mechanically inclined and from a strong-knit family. This was something I never had. My grandparents loved me dearly but my immediate family was never the "Sunday get togther for lunch" type. I wanted the security of a family. I wanted someone who would love me for me. <p>I graduated college and my H never went to college. I have ambitions and want to provide a good lifestyle for myself and my family. My H was content to "take the easy way". He always worked. In fact, he's missed less than 10 days of work in 17 years. This includes the birth of our children, various family member major surgeries, etc. He is a hard worker but never wanted to make much of himself. He passed up opportunities to become a supervisor because he didn't want the hassle. He worked 3rd shift because he didn't like the bull that first shift involved. Typical, take the easy way mentality. <p>Don't get me wrong because I love my H and I think that God brought him into my life. We are just very different in our goals and ambitions.<p>I enjoyed making him happy and introducing him to new things/places. A trip to Sears and McDonalds was big time for him when he was growing up. In turn, I had the confidence that he loved me and he appreciated the things I did for him. I thought he supported me completely and would never hurt me. He is a good father and although he was never the best financial provider, he was a great friend and companion. I enjoyed spending him with him. I loved him. <p>Whether he was the "one" or not? I doubt it. I think I forced myself to think he was because I wanted it so bad. But 17 years (16 1/2 of them very happy and content) means too much to me to throw away. I have a lot to offer a man. I am a giving, loving, good person who is not selfish. I work hard and try my best to stay active in church, the children's sports, etc. I love Major and Little League baseball and never miss a practice or game. I enjoy outdoor activites, NASCAR, country music, animals and watching movies. It's not that I can't give all these things to any man, it is that I want that man to be my H. Good or bad, we are married and I want to honor my vows. He is just denying me the opportunity to do that. <p>Even if my Husband is not "the one". He is the one I married and for my sake and my children's sake I would love to have my marriage restored.<p>Thanks for letting me express all of this. I'm sure it is way more than you asked for.<p>PP

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I enjoy outdoor activites, NASCAR, country music, animals and watching movies. <hr></blockquote><p>Don't forget to add the Atlanta Braves to your list... <p>Just threw this in to add a light moment. Friend, sorry for your pain... I wonder what the book has to say that AGMIT talked about... might check it out myself.<p>Anyway, your heart is broken and healing it requires the law of the harvest... time, patience, nurturing, tending to it and pulling the weeds... it'll be a while before you see a plentiful harvest my dear... In the meantime, sink your roots into *something* (I think you know what) deep, *water* yourself and give yourself plenty of opportunities to get into the *sunshine* of life.<p>God bless you this weekend!<p>Warmly,
Nicole

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:
<strong>Don't get me wrong because I love my H and I think that God brought him into my life. We are just very different in our goals and ambitions.</strong><p>I think it's okay to acknowledge that God brought him into your life but perhaps to ask WHY and perhaps you and he are learning something. The message may not be what we think it is while we are going thru a crisis.<p>He is a good father and although he was never the best financial provider, he was a great friend and companion. <p>I would challenge the assumption about being a good father. Did you consider your father to be a good father when he cheated and dumped your mom?<p>Whether he was the "one" or not? I doubt it. I think I forced myself to think he was because I wanted it so bad.<p>I felt mine was the one...but I wonder why I thought that? It's like I set myself up for unhappiness.<p> But 17 years (16 1/2 of them very happy and content) means too much to me to throw away. I have a lot to offer a man. I am a giving, loving, good person who is not selfish.<p>Is it time for you to work on pleasing yourself? Do you give yourself permission to work for self-happiness the way you work at providing it for others? You deserve it! Imagine being married to someone as pleasing as yourself? You deserve permission to channel your pleasing into yourself as well.<p>[bIt's not that I can't give all these things to any man, it is that I want that man to be my H. Good or bad, we are married and I want to honor my vows. He is just denying me the opportunity to do that. <p>Even if my Husband is not "the one". He is the one I married and for my sake and my children's sake I would love to have my marriage restored<p>Thanks for letting me express all of this. I'm sure it is way more than you asked for.
PP[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Well I'm glad you shared. I think this is how we learn! And just asking you questions and reading your answers helps to clear my own thinking as well.

peoplepleaser,<p>I am sorry you are still struggling and hurting so much. My heart goes out to you. I have two thoughts for you. First, you still love your H because in your heart, you are not 100% convinced that it is over and you are not ready yet to let go. That's OK - these things have their own timeframes, I have learned. <p>My second thought is this: You are in Plan B, but just begun to "do it right". With the continued contact with your H that was happening before (him coming and going at his leisure and still making himself at home), it was still allowing him to deposit a few love units in your lovebank. Thus, the love you have for your H has not yet had a chance to truly begin to wane. If you stay in Plan B, and do a good one, in time, if your H continues things as present, you will probably, over time, begin to lose the love you have for your H. It is a gradual thing.<p>Your most important job right now is to take care of yourself. Work on your own self-reliance and bolster your sense of self. No matter how things end up in your marriage (reconciliation or divorce), you are going to need renewed strength to face the challenges ahead.<p>You are doing a GREAT job, and must give yourself a lot of credit, peoplepleaser. These are some horrible times, and you have done all that you can for your marriage. Give yourself time and keep focusing on healing and rebuilding your spirit.<p>Pulling for ya, Desiree

Oooh, LauraLee... good point! BUT... you say <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Know what? The will of God (sorry... this probably sounds terrible) is His problem... not mine.<p>Well... it isn't my problem.<p>It isn't my job to make the "will of God" happen. That's God's job.<p>It's a deception.<hr></blockquote><p>I'm thinking deception is a bit strong here... Maybe I'm missing something but don't you think we have some compulsion or obligation to love God for the way He loved us first? That's HIS will, no?<p>To Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength, and,
To Love your neighbor as yourself...<p>This is how I see the Will of God manifesting itself in our lives... we can't sit and wait for God to just do... He has given us free will... therefore, if Lynn (peoplepleaser) and the rest of us would ONLY turn our eyes upon HIM, and love HIM, we would be doing HIS will... He then enable us to Love others.<p>Anyway, back to the practicality of her situation, she's put a LOT of *faith* into her family/marriage... God wants all of her faith to be in HIM (as He wants that from all of us)... the prayer that goes along with this may NOT change her circumstances, but prayer does change people and people change circumstances...<p>Lynn, where are you? God's BEST for you and your family today as you navigate your way thru your hope to HIS HOPE!<p>Warmly,
Nicole<p>[ November 10, 2001: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>

PP-<p>Your situation and mine are so similar. I still have horrible, weak moments where I think I would take him back - because it's the familiar, the known, the secure... But I won't.<p>What we are grieving is the loss of our dream of the future. Watching our children grow and have children of their own - together. Retiring - together. Traveling - together.<p>I try very hard to only correspond with my stbx via email because that voice and that face that were so special and loving to me for 22 years, are now cold and distant - and that is horribly painful. And so I avoid it when possible.<p>At least 95% of the time I do pretty well. Almost all of my crying is now done in my therapist's office. She's helping me work on ME -helping me realize how much of myself I gave up in my marriage and how very capable I am. <p>I have accepted that he doesn't want me in his life. He has decided that I am the source of his unhappiness, when in truth, that unhappiness is within himself and he'll never get away from it, he'll carry it with him, until he gets help and understands how he got where he is - and deals with it. There is nothing you or I did to cause them to do what they've done. They made their own decisions and they'll have to live with them and answer for them.<p>I actually have lucid moments where I feel sad for him - and wish him well. He is no longer the man I fell in love with and married. Somewhere along the way he changed - and I don't know or love this person.<p>Jabber - AMEN!!
AGMIT - Thanks for the book recommendation - I'm going to try it.<p>PP- Try to stop obsessing and keep yourself busy with taking better care of yourself. Find a good counselor. Read a self-help book. Accept that grief is a natural part of the death of your marriage. Above all else, treat yourself gently.

I am in the same boat. I am amazed at how similar our situations are. It is so sad. I know I can't change his perception of what our relationship was however. <p>I am mourning the lost of my partner, my lover, my companion. I am also mourning the loss of our future. Financially and emotionally it is so hard.<p>I think they will carry their problems with them. It is so much easier for them to blame their feelings on us.<p>I wish I could afford a counselor. I do go to a divorce recovery group--which helps. Take care of yourselves--this is terribly hard.

I'm sitting here on a rainy Sunday afternoon watching my Cowboys Suck and wanted to take a second to talk about the book "How to fallout of love and land on your feet" and how it works.<p>In a nutshell there are a couple of things you do.<p>1st. You take a piece of paper and right down 10 things you like or would like to do. More things on the list is cool. then everytime you think of the other person you begin to replace those thoughts w/ ones from the list. <p>Things on my list:
Ice cold Tuna fish w/ lots of dill pickles.
Having sex w/ Meg Ryan on a rainy SUNDAY afternoon. (Hence my post. HeHeHe)
Deer hunting w/ a blue sky dawn.
Just a few.<p>the next thing you do is exagerate a feature of the other person and place them in a funny situation. It has to be something funny..<p>I had my X in a nurses uniform with big buck teeth and a hyperdermic in her hand running around saying "I didn't do it!!" This was a good one for me. <p>Then when they are on the phone and start getting on your nerves you start thinking about the funny looking person. After a couple of times of replacemenet it gets EZ. <p>When I got the book I found somebody elses list in the book as it had been returned.<p>If somebody wants my book just e-mail me w/ your address and I'll get it to you. <p>Tex. <p>FYI: I'm in day my 3rd full day of being divorced and still love the feeling of freedom.

I'm still here. Just really busy at work today. Spent last week fighting the Nimda virus ( A & E) and a bit or SirCam.... No I wasn't sick, my LAN was and I got way behind.<p>
I wholeheartedly agree with Nicole. It is so simple. I should put my faith(all my faith) in God and let Him deal with it. I have been trying to change the unchangable. My H has to change his own way of thinking. No matter how great my argument is for us to be together, he doesn't have to listen or absorb any of it.<p>I am doing my best to stay in plan B. It is really helping although I have weak periods where I "need" to talk to him. Well I guess I wouldn't die if I didn't but it sure feels hopeless when I'm in the midst of an attack. I spoke to him Sat night about son's behavior and the fact that I expected him to support me if I punished son and not turn around and try to make up for punishment by rewarding him on his visitation weekends.<p>I tried to keep conversation only to subjects involving the children, but I got upset and started to cry and confessed to H that I was having a hard time dealing with being a single parent. I told him how lonely I was and how I was trying very hard not to depend on him anymore. I asked him how he stopped caring for me because I needed to find a way to stop loving him. I finally realized that I was breaking all the plan B rules and said that I was sorry I had broken down and that it wasn't doing any good to continue the conversation and I had to go. <p>I can see now how any contact with him is a negative thing for me. I do so much better when I don't see him or hear his voice. At least my Plan B should be stronger now that I know how bad I will feel if I break it.<p>He knows I love him. He knows he can come home and that I will try to make it a safe place for him without a constant guilt trip for what he has done. He knows I am capable of forgiving him. He knows his children need him.<p>What more can I do but wait to see what God has in store for me? <p>Thanks to everyone for your support. I received great advise and much needed love from your responses.<p>PP

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>