before we were married we made love. It was never hot but nice. I performed oral on him and he would feel my breats, kiss me. He never performed oral on me ( I guess some men dont like it) and only once did he rub my vagina. Its like once he is hard its wham bam thank you mam. How stupid I was. I thought this would change once we were married but compounded by my other posts everything is coming to a head (no pun intended) I keep my self clean, fresh, smelling good. When I asked him last week why he wont touch me it ended up into a knock down drag out fight (verbalY) and I still had no answers. Im almost beginning to suspect he has some sexual problems. Wont touch his wife's vagina except for his penis?<BR>What is this all about?????????????

Dear Beezer:<BR>Could it be that his upbringing come have something to do with it? Such as him being a Catholic and the teachings of it such as it being a dirty thing? (Even though you shower and clean yourself well down there?), or could be something from his past with an ex or could be psychological. Did you talk to him heart to heart and tell him what you feel? If not, or did and nothing, try writing him a letter. Sometimes letter do alot of good,because the other person has no choice but to sit there and read (listen). He can't get defensive because you are not there, just your words. Talk to him about counseling and my suggestion would be for him to go to counsleing along with you.

no one except a professional psycologist could possible unravel the reason for your hs' adversion to touching you. i would think it (his problem) a tough nut to crack.<BR>i've always loved doing it. everything right there, the instant feedback. i like doing it most when she's on her knees facing the head board, stradling my face. hang on baby!!

I suggest that you and your husband go to counseling, and if he does not want to go, go by yourself. It is unusual for a man to be so unwilling to touch you intimately. I suggest that maybe you evaluate how you make this request of your husband. Try not to make a demand, but only let him know that this would give you pleasure and you would really like it. <P>Try to be as nonconfrontational as you can and you may be able to uncover the reasons for this. Remember, as frustrating as this is, your husband does have a good reason for this. If you approach this as if you are on his side, I believe that he will respond more positively.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.

well, once again, I bought up the topic of pleasuring me and what I like. He said thats all he can give me like it or leave it.<BR>I called him selfish and not concerned about my needs and wants. BIG FIGHT. Hurting words on both our part. I ended up calling him a closet homosexual and he was to afraid to come out of the closet because of his catholic faith. Well that wasnt too nice. I agree. He started yelling and screaming. Im so hurt and over this. I just want a lover who will love me as the same way I love them. We later made up but its like walking on egg shells. I suggested counseling and he told me to take my idea and put it where the sun dont shine. Im to the point I dont want him to touch me, and least of all me touch him. I even said what about your responsibilites as a husband...conjungal rights to your spouse. He said god wasnt talking about oral sex or touching....just procreation....and since neither of us wants more children (he has one and so do I) thats that.

Dear Beezer:<BR>You know, that is such a ashame, because this is how we ended up not having any sex for 2 years!! I started to feel exactly the way you did (my post: no sex, no affection..). It got to the point where, just like you, I did not want him to touch me or kiss me, etc. I was just so disguisted withthe whole thing. Even when he wanted me to do something to him, I didn't because I thought, why should I?? I thought, what nerve of him to want me to do somehting when he won't even touch me! Like hell I did anything to him. Then months would go by and the same thing would happen again. Stupidly I would think, well, maybe I should try and see what happens. It becomes one sided again. I may give him a BJ and then i get nothing...no touching, affection, sex,,,nothing. So, again, I said hell with it. And it's been 2 years. I am a shriveled up peach, unfortunately, or actually feel like one since it's been so long. Right now we are in counseling and it's a long road. So, just to let you know, this is what happended to me and I know how you are feeling.

Beezer,<P>I think that you & your H have a few problems: 1) Sexual fulfillment problems (your H not understanding what sexual fulfillment is), 2) verbal, emotional, and possibly physical abuse problems (When you get into fights it sounds like you are both verbally and emotionally abusing each other, does it get physically abusive?), 3) sexual intimacy problems (his avoidance of non-sexual intercourse intimacy), and most probably 4) general intimacy problems (emotional, sexual, and spiritual).<P>For help with these:<P>1) Dr. Harley has recommended books to help explain sexual fulfillment such as Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat and his wife Gaye (from a Christian perspective and a very good book for anyone of faith or not), The Gift of Sex by Clifford & Joyce Penner.<P>2) Therapy for any of these abuse issues would help both of you to learn why you react in this way and how to stop the abusive cycle. Even if he is not willing to go for counseling, do this for yourself.<P>If your H is being physically abusive towards you (you also need to consider if you are physically abusive towards him), you need to think about your physical safety (and that of your children if you have any).<P>3) Sexual intimacy problems can be caused by underlying issues which can be worked through with the right therapist. I am not sure if either of you have had an affair, but if so, you should consider that the affair could be an addiction, check out <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A> for more information (Doug Weiss is a really good sex addiction therapist in TX).<P>4) Fear of intimacy and not understanding what intimacy is can be a major problem in marriage/relationships. One must find out where the fear comes from, confront it, and work through it and then learn positive intimacy habits to change their life.<P>Hope this helps. If you need more information or whatever, feel free to email me at thoughtfulangel@cheerful.com <P>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful (Deb)<BR><p>[This message has been edited by thoughtful (edited October 11, 1999).]

Thanks everyone for your insight. I went the book way and even highlighted areas that I thought would make sense. He just threw the books down. Well last night he was very amourous wanted a BJ and his idea of sexual intimacy. I said why should I gratify your needs when you dont mind. He said, fine, it will be a cold day in hell before I ever ever want to have sex with you again.<BR>And that is that.

beezer--<P>Here's another take on your situation, for what it's worth (or not).<P>Have you ever considered the thought that your H is just plain selfish concerning sexual gratification? He may have either had a bad experience in his past with oral sex, or has never done it, period. Whatever the reason, he obviously doesn't like or want to do it.<P>Sounds like you'll have a LOT of resistance of any kind of therapy that includes him.<P>Can you remain in this kind of relationship? If so, do you remain without a fulfilling sex life, or do YOU learn how to make it happen for both of you (i.e., counseling, reading on your own, a different approach and attitude, etc.).<P>Wishing you the best.

Beezer...<P>Before I met my H, I had a boyfriend who sounds the same as your H, when it comes to sex.<P>My boyfriend, wouldn't touch me there, yet he liked me to touch him and give him oral sex. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I asked him, "why wouldn't he touch me there?" He replied, "I'm not into that. I don't like doing that."<P>So, he never did. I never found out why because I broke up with him a couple of months later. I didn't break up with him because of this, but because of other issues, although I wasn't satisfied sexually with him.<P>I didn't want this to come off as hopeless. I just wanted you to know that I guess there are guys out there who are like this.<P>Maybe a therapist will be able to help both of you understand this.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 16, 1999).]

Dear Beezer:<BR>If he's not willing to go to counseling, are you willing to live like this?????

Hi Katya,<BR>No I can not live in this kind of relationship. I think you know how I feel most of all with your own situation. I love him with all my heart and soul but so much has been wrong sexually and other things. He wont go to counseling, wont listen to reason, so this just might be the quickest marriage in history.

Beezer, <BR>excuse me for asking if you indeed posted this before but, how long have you 2 been married? I have to think there's got to be something else bothering your H. I just can't understand the situation. As weird as it might sound, I can't live for to long if I just can't even get a hint of the muskiness of a woman (when clean of course... ). That in itself is a huge turn on for me. To go without touching....that's just impossible for me to gather. Being just the typical guy I think I am, I'm happiest sexually when I'm down there doing all I can to come up looking like a glazed doughnut... <P>Ok, that might have gotten a bit much....sorry...

Dear Blues:<BR>Wow, I wonder if you like oral sex??? Just kidding, I'm just trying to be funny. I just want to say, not all men like oral sex. I have heard other men in the past say that they do not like oral sex. With some of the men, this has alot to do with their culture. So, yes, it's ashame because they don't know what they are missing, but there are those out there who do not do it.<BR>Dear Beezer:<BR>Yes, you are so right in that I can relate in a way. I just feel so bad for you because your husband is not even willing to try and work at this or even go to counseling or do anything to save your marriage. Did you sit down with him seriously and tell him that you are ready to divorce him or this??? I am just wondering what his response was or is. If he really wants to save your marriage you need to tell him this and tell him that he needs to go to counseling with you or the marriage will not survive. He just has to know how serious this is to you. What better way but to tell him the truth and that you will file for divorce if he does not want to work on the marriage with you....<P>P.S. How do you put those smiley faces on your responses?

Dear Katya<BR>I cant figure out how to do the smiley thing. we have to ask blues man. We have been married 14 months. This weekend I plan on having my heart felt talk with him to let him know that if he does not go to counseling with me the marriage is over. He will try to sweet talk me, but Im holding firm for counseling. At least I will get some answers maybe from him. Divorce is the last thing I want but I cant live in this situation. I dont mind that he cant or wont do oral. That I understand. But not to finger me or rub me just for lack of a better word put it in me and pump till he comes, well forget it. I can pleasure myself better then that. Thanks for you insight.

Dear Beezer:<BR>Just wanted to wish you lots of luck in your discussion with your husband. It is such ashame that you have been married for such a short time. Marriages take time and work and nothing comes easy. But, it takes two. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

OK, I'll tell ya how to do the: and the ....<BR>But it'll cost ya oral or hand sex.... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P>Actually, click on "faq" link and it'll show ya how to do everything.<P>I see a bunch of "smilies" in the future... [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif[/img]