Hi all,<p>I have some questions after posting on a thread. <p>I want to go out with men right now but for the next few months, maybe longer, I would only like to go out with them as friends. Before my husband, I had more guy friends I could relate to than women friends. Because of being married and not feeling opposite sex relationships were appropriate, I now have no guy friends.<p>Here's a question for you. <p>Are there men out thetr who would be willing to go out with a woman as a friend and only establish a friendship?<p>Do you think I am being logical that men and women can see each other as friends only?<p>How would I approach this only friendship dating? If I were asked out would you just say, "I would love to, but only as friends and if we can split the bill." Would they laugh at this?<p>I just want to slip slowly into the dating world. Reestablish some trust and not jump head first into the water. I just don't know if I am being realistic though.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA<p>[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Sure there are probably more of us out there than you think who just enjoy the company of a woman without all of the added stresses of "dating".<p>I go out with my female friends to just enjoy each others company with the understanding that it's not a date. We talk very openly and comfortably about our arrangement so that there is no misunderstandings.<p>A couple of weeks ago a friend asked me out to a dance club. That is something that I've never really been keen on but we decided to go. Before we left her house we pretty much planned out the evening and expenses. We also talked about the atmosphere that we were going to be in. I was very forward in telling her that we are going to just have fun and that while at the club she should feel no obligation to be with me. She was very grateful because she was worried I'd be jealous if she was dancing with others or something.<p>I guess what I'm saying is that talk totally openly and honestly before hand to save some of the heartache afterwords.<p>All that being said WARNING! WARNING! No matter how much you talk and think everything is fine, one of your friends will want to cross the line I guarantee it. You have to really watch for warning signs that someone is wanting something more and immediately talk it out.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong>
All that being said WARNING! WARNING! No matter how much you talk and think everything is fine, one of your friends will want to cross the line I guarantee it. You have to really watch for warning signs that someone is wanting something more and immediately talk it out.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>LH,<p>You are right. This is a concern, I don't want anyone getting hurt. Before my marriage a couple of male friends did get hurt. Sometimes one person in the friendship becomes or always was attracted and hoped it would lead to more. However, I do know also with the two friends hurt I was always up front with wanting only friendship, but I do also know sometimes I have a very flirtatious personality. I stopped that flirtatious personality with men after my marriage, but I can see it coming back out now and I do get results. My only problem is so far it's been results with men who were too young to even consider going out as friends with. I like men friends who are older or my equal on age. Perhaps I am only flirting with men I know I won't do anything about right now. Oh dang, I hate it when I try to analyze my actions. SHEESH!<p>Thanks LH,<p>ANNA

Anna<p>Yes a male and female can be just friends without the emotional baggage of romance and/or physical relationship. Like yourself, I've had many male friends in my life who were not romantic interests. Most people know when someone is coming on to them romantically and most people will also know when someone is coming on to them in a friendly way but without romantic and/or sexual overtones.<p>What you are talking about is not dating. Dating is a prelude to a romantic and/or physical relationship. You are talking about companionship, friendship, cups of coffee and spilling one's guts type of relationship. You will have to treat an outing with a male the same way you would with a girlfriend. It is dutch treat. Go to a movie and you buy your own ticket and popcorn. Or one pays for the tickets and one buys the snacks. (Hmmm think the one buying the tickets gets off easy.) This is exactly how you have to deal with a new "male" friend from the very start. Be upfront with a new acquaintance and tell him that you are not interested in anything romantic or sexual at this point in your life. And please be very weary of new male acquaintances. Not all men, but too many too count, will see your life situation and believe you to be an easy mark. You know the type and situation. "Oh look, she is alone and lonely. All I have to do is compliment her, stroke her ego and I have the key to her bedroom."<p>As for the area of trust, it is not just trusting another person. You will have to learn to trust yourself. I'm sure you have started to question your ability to read another person; have started to second guess what you preceive a situation to be; are starting to look at people and question whether they really mean what they say or what they do. It is not just trusting another to be who and what they display themselves to be. But trusting your instincts to weed the good from the bad, the sincere from the insincere and the surface intentions from the hidden motives.<p>Find or rediscover you first before you start dating. Learn to love and respect yourself. Set up the definition of what you are looking for and comfortable with in a relationship. And when you are ready to date, put yourself as your first priority. If you are uncomfortable or leery of a person and/or situation, don't make excuses for them or it, just detach yourself from it as quickly as possible. That little voice that told you as a young adult that things your husband did were not right is still with you. You have to just learn to listen to it and give it credence for being smarter than the average bear.<p>LMOLM [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: LoveMeOrLeaveMe ]</p>

I absolutly agree w/ what LostH said. <p>The Warning, Warning part is very much true.<p>I would like to add something. I don't want to scare you off so please take what I'm saying here w/ a grain of salt.<p>You are exploring yourself, what makes you tick. You will find that you will hurt somebody. Face it, its going to happen. This in itself isn't a bad thing. You will learn from it. I've had a couple of dates during my seperation/divorce and I broke it off for various reasons. YadaYadaYada.<p>The point I'm trying to make is that you learn by making mistakes. What I've experienced is that I make little mistakes. How do I say this? The little kind of mistalkes that make me move away from the situation/issue. <p>Like I catch myself wanting to talk to the buddy/friend/date about what a dink my X is. I'm getting pretty good at not talking about it or cutting to the chase to get it over with. <p>Physical living distance plays a part too. I don't want a date (term used losely) to live close to me. I like the 45Min drive to be able to think about what's going on..<p>Tex.<p>I would like to take any more of my replies off line.<p>greg.g.hardesty@mail.sprint.com

I'm thinking along the same lines as Tex. You can't be afraid to take the first step fearing some complications might arise. They will it&#8217;s a given of dating or male/female platonic relationships. Guy friends work just like your girl friends. As you meet new people, some will make the friend category and some will not. Some will push you in ways you do not care for and others will see your way and want to come along. <p>Your ground rules discussions up front are a great idea, but I wouldn&#8217;t make them sound like never..ever..ever type of thing. Nor would I expect all guys to remember what you've said after a couple of "dates". If you have any single girl friends to bring along/meet all the better, this type of thing is meant to be socializing so the more the merrier. If fact you might find your guy friends have some buddies as well.<p>The only other thing I've ever heard about this precarious challenge of re-entering the "dating" scene is to mix your dating up with several different people. Not to treat this kind of social dating like you would romantic dating where most folks would only be going out with one person.<p>
Good Luck & enjoy,
HI

Anna-
Danger Danger is right!
Resist the temptation to go out with men one to one as &#8220;friends&#8221;. It is way too dangerous for you right now, especially if you have a flirtatious nature. Someone will get hurt. And, you&#8217;re still married, right? Once you are divorced, after being married for 17 years, you probably shouldn&#8217;t even think about dating for at least a year. I would strongly suggest that you join a divorce recovery group- www.divorcecare.com is one place to look. Let yourself heal. Get used to being your own person. Get yourself happy and healthy without getting entangled!

While I'm not quite ready to start the dating thing....I can see where you are coming from and think it's a great idea. I think being honest and open in the beginning about it, is the best way to go. Just come up with a cute line...."I'll go out with you as long as it's not a date"....or something which could lead to a fuller discussion of where you're coming from.<p>Another word of warning....not only are there gonna be guys out there who after a few get-togethers, want it to go farther....YOU might actually reach that point with one of your new friends. Be prepared if you do. <p>Another warning....if you really want to keep it at a platonic stage, you (by you own admittance) really need to watch your flirting nature. It's not fair to anyone to say "no romance" and then have the other person flirting with them. <p>This is just my opinion. I'll be interested in how it goes for you. <p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Thanks all for the great advice so far.<p>I am reading your comments and taking everything in to thought.<p>I have to go run an errand but quickly I wanted to clear something up.<p>When I said "flirtatious personality". I really shouldn't have put it as flirting. Oh gosh! It's hard to say exactly what I mean. I never hang all over guys or come on to a guy strongly. It's more like being comfortable once again to make eye contact, smiling, joking and being friendly with men. During my marriage I toned my personality down alot when I talked with men. I was still friendly but I toned it down tremendously. Now that I am single my personality in the way I deal with men is coming back. <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Hi all,<p>Thanks again for all the advice.<p>Everyone made some good points. I will be sure to be upfront and honest. Always pay my half of the bill! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Don't lean on just one guys friendship (very good point btw.) Also, be prepared I may get my heart broken in the process or break someone elses. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (try hard not to of course.) Try not to be too flirty. Last, watch out for wolves in sheep's clothing. <p>Did I miss anything?<p>Also, JW3, I appreciate the concern but I am ready to move on. I think in one way dating can get more of the independence and confidence back. Even if it is just dating with friends. Also, I do realize I am still married by paper but that should be resolved very quickly and it's just going out with men, it's not like I'm gonna sleep with them. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Also I do have pretty good will power. I know if any friends I meet have a mutual attraction, I would wait until the divorce is final before pursuing romance.<p>Take care all,<p>ANNA

Just a note...<p>My sister has really been wanting me to go out with a guy she knows when I go back home for the holidays. So yesterday, I gave my sister the go ahead for double dating with her and her husband one night. I told her as long as the guy knows it will only be friends, I'm cool with it.<p>Tonight my mom calls and says my sister already has me lined up to go out with two different guys as friends. GEEEZ!!! Well, I think it's funny and should have known my sister would do this but I had better call her to tell her going out with two guys in one week is ENOUGH! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is a good thing I'll only be there for a week. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll let y'all in on the updates (or should I say dates) when I come back. Oh yea, every time I come back from Arkansas I get that hillbilly twang again that will last at least a couple of weeks. So if you read my post, hear a couple of "ain'ts and a few incorrect errors in grammar with a touch of Arkansas accent....there's a reason! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

O Anna....good luck! Sounds like a wild and crazy time!!<p>I'm excited for you because now you'll get to "try out" the new you! And on a coupla guys who, number one, not only know that you aren't interested in romance, but number two, who you'll probably never see again! What a great break!<p>Remember...along with all the other stuff....BE YOURSELF! Don't be afaid to be yourself....<p>Have fun!
Aloha,
Ms.O

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ms.O:
<strong>O Anna....good luck! Sounds like a wild and crazy time!!<p>I'm excited for you because now you'll get to "try out" the new you! And on a coupla guys who, number one, not only know that you aren't interested in romance, but number two, who you'll probably never see again! What a great break!<p>Remember...along with all the other stuff....BE YOURSELF! Don't be afaid to be yourself....<p>Have fun!
Aloha,
Ms.O</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ms. O,<p>WOW! Thanks for making me smile!<p>ANNA [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]