Well I caught my wife having an affair with a co-worker she works with. Well her reaction at first was of pure guilt and she wanted to divorce me. Now she is going to counseling on her own as well as I am. The counselor and my wife says that we need some time of seperation. Some time for my wife to figure some things out. My wife is just not happy right now in her life and she has chosen me at the person to blame for all of it. The counselor did tell me it isn't all me of why my wife isn't happy. The part I am scared of is that I have heard once you seperate it will more then likely lead to a divorce. So what do I do because this time a part and me not knowing the future between us is killing me. Plus I am the one staying with my brother and sister-in-law. My wife wants three months of seperation but I can barely handle a week or so. What do I do? Plus she is staying out late with friends and that makes things even worse on me. I am thinking give her 3 to 4 weeks and if I don't see any signs of her wanting to be with me then she isn't changing her mind then. Why wait the whole three months then and that will just torture myself. Is this a fair assumption to make? Any advice???

awhile in most cases is forever. once she is gone good luck. you need to try somethind else very soon.

CG,<p>You might also try posting this in the GQII or "Just Found Out" forums. I think it's probably WAY too early to give up on your M....know that it'll probably get MUCH worse before it gets better. Read EVERYTHING you can on this site. Check into buying some of the books found here (particularly "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs, Her Needs").<p>You might see if your W would be willing to do some phone counselling with the Harleys here. In my VERY limited experience, both of the counselors that my WS and I have seen have done TREMENDOUS disservices to our marriage. I often wish we'd NEVER have seen them at all. It sounds like this isn't uncommon, there don't seem to be very many therapists out there actually HELPING marriages in trouble....The Harleys seem to be one of the few.<p>This next part is going to be hard for you to consider, but I think you'd rather be prepared than find out on your own....Often, when the WS requests a separation (even at the direction of a crappy therapist), it often means that WS and OP are now going to be able to spend MORE time together. It makes it more convenient and easier- the WS no longer has to account for their time to the BS.....BUT, and this is often the good part, this also means that they can become sick of each other more quickly. You've injected some real life into the fantasy of the A. You know, and SHE KNOWS you know. Maybe others know as well, and she'll have to work through all the possibilities (of being rejected by friends, coworkers, etc...). Plust there's an increased demand on the two having the A, the OP now has to try to measure up, has to watch their step....it's often the first step in the dissolution of the "perfect fantasy" world of the A. Not many A can last under the light of day.<p>What you have to do is read about plans A and B, and implement plan A. You need to try to determine what needs YOU weren't meeting for the WS, and try (if allowed) to meet them. This can even be done during a separation. But more importantly, you need to take a look at YOU. Decide what attitudes/habits/actions of yours were a contributer to the environment that made the A so attractive, despite the risks. Then you need to decide if you want the M and are willing to adjust those attitudes, et.al.<p>You've begun on a LONG (often months or years) and painful journey. Come here often and vent or seek advice. I probably wouldn't let your WS know about this site just now, keep it as a safe have for your thoughts. come here to get support, prayers, and hugs.<p>If you haven't, consider an anti-depressant, because your emotions are about to take a beating. Go talk to your doctor, tell them what's going on, and ask their opinion on that last bit of advice.<p>Good luck, and God bless.
Kev

Often, when the WS requests a separation (even at the direction of a crappy therapist), it often means that WS and OP are now going to be able to spend MORE time together. It makes it more convenient and easier- the WS no longer has to account for their time to the BS
I bet big money this will happen, so be prepared.<p>Read everything on this site and post questions. It takes time to understand what is going on with her/you and your relationship and feelings.

CG - I agree with Kev, that counseling with the Harleys is by far the best counseling you will find. My husband and I have been to at least 5 different counselors and none of them even came close to the Harleys in trying to salvage a marriage. It's a foolproof approach to making a marriage work IF both partners are willing to put forth the effort. In the beginning you might be the only one working on it, but the plan has the potential to get her back and then you can work on your marriage together. Even if your wife won't counsel right now you should talk to them alone. I promise you it will get you started on the right track. Good luck!

Hi, My heart goes out to you. I just went through a very difficult 2 months, and now I am beginning to pull myself together. It is sad that it has to be so devastating, and that a betraying spouse feels they must leave... and that they blame things on you. My husband moved out Sept. 15, and it has now been 2 months.. about a week before I really started tracking cell phone calls... etc. and had very high suspicions of what might be going on... for a least even a few weeks... my H had really started treating me differently about 1 month before. According to cell phone bills, etc. it must of been only about a month of more hot and heavy (I suspect) development... <p>My H and his female companion he met at work... at an afterwork alchoholic mixer...are not seeing each other anymore. I went balistic and that seemed to encourage her to end it. I do not reccomend that.<p>After I found out about my H and her, and he moved out, and then... I let my kids, 3 and 9 yr old boys spend the night with my H... he took them to her home to spend the night... Mind you, she is married and separated.. was at the time... I think she is now back with her H, but I do not really know???<p>Anyway.. the two of them, took my kids to a bar and played darts. etc... and kept the kids at her house while the 2 of them slept in another room, which H denies, he says he slept in the guest room.<p>Well, anyway, I by some chance got a babysitter one sat.- the wk after this bad night for my kids... and went to see what kind of a bar it was. Well, they walked in. I was drunk way past my toleration by that time. I flipped and attacked her... I did not do much damage... and I blacked out during part of it... I am sure you can imagine my rage. My H somehow got in the struggle which I do not even remember and got hurt. Well, he and she pressed assault charges against me. I now have to deal with that on top of finding work, supporting my kids alone... I was not working much at the time... just a part time small bus. I run from home... I have a back injury that incurred during the last 2 yrs... anyway... DO NOT LOSE IT LIKE ME - getting drunk only made things worse for me. <p>It is a horrible betrayal. My H has gone back and forth all over the place since then. She broke it off, and he blamed me.. then we have seen each other a few to,es. evem s[emt a mogjt together... but it was just crzy... like I stayed at his house... and he wanted to see me, but only if I pretended nothing was wrong.<p>Now, he says I am violent and have driven him away.. that - he left me because I am violent... HA. Well, he is an alcoholic which makes my situation even more crzy, and makes me think I may not take him back--- there is an alanon site for support in this arena.. online...<p>It is just soo sad. to be blamed for everything. We are going to try counseling... and he has been alone and so have I, he told me the counselor already told him they do not need to gang up on me together... which is what he tried to do... He says he wants the marriage counselor to validate how awful I have been to him. He doesn't really have in mind working to save our marriage, but validating that he is right and I am wrong. Well that is not a good quality in a partner anyway... despite my love for him, and my ability to see what he is doing and where he is coming from and that he needs help... it doesn't help that he is treating me wrong. JUST as YOUR WIFE is treating you wrong. It is awful they just FEEL SO GUILTY, they have to blame it on us. If they see that they are to blame , it would mean they would have to change and they do not want to change.<p>SO Sad. You can email me for support if you like lisaannsmail@yahoo.com real name is lisa. I am pulling together now. My advice to you is to pull yourself together quickly and take care of you. Do not let your emotions pull down your life... you can take care of you. You are going to feel the pain, but keep in mind you are worthy and important and you deserve to have a good stable life. The less you let her take from you the better. It is awful to be betrayed by a marriage partner. I have never been so hurt in my life. <p>You will get through it, you will grow stronger and you will learn not to let someone treat you this way. It can b e resolved, and I am still hoping for this...<p>But, I am even looking at filing the big D.. to get the temporary maitanence me and my children need to survive. I do not want the divorce, but legally I have been advised to file to receive my end of the money. My H just lost his job, and will receive a severance package to which I want my half in this state... as entitled... for me and the kids... I have not been able to secure a good enough job yet.. it is sad to take financial hits on top of emotional, it is just so hard.<p>
Be strong, and pray. Read Harleys books , get into and stay with therapy, it helps. Get as much support for you as you can... It gets better.

Thanks for listening, good luck!