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Joined: Sep 2001
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i just wanted to know do all affairs finally end?
i have been reading a lot. and it is said that most likely all affairs do end. it is only a matter of time.<p>i was just curious if this is true and how could someone make that statement.doesn't it depend on the people? if someone got married and believes they never wanted to be married than why end an affair. <p>isn't it also harder to end once the two are living together and sharing every moment of there life together??? day and night and life is soooo
wonderful than why would it come to an end.<p>also if ws is getting divorced isn't it bc they want to continue on in their live in affair and not have to deal with the guilt.<p>do ws feel guilty for leaving there family?do they ever come out of la la land and admit they were wrong?do they ever apologize? i am just curious.<p>i don't feel i want my h back but i would like to see him come out of the fog and realize i was a good person and his infidelities are what made us get divorced.<p>i really love him but he has been awful as far as commitment to the marriage goes. we aren't even speaking at the moment b/c of all the games he played. <p>the not speaking might not last since we have a 7 yr old (had a bday yesterday) whom he will have visitation with. <p>i just feel so angry and hurt by him that i choose not to speak to him and he is just so content in his relationship w ow that he doesn't even care that i don't speak to him. <p>does someone ever come out of the fog.
not even to reconcile just to see they made a huge mistake.

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Dear Leftalone,<p>You ask a question that I have wondered about many times also.<p>I kept thinking that my STBXH would someday realize that we loved him very much and that he had probably made a mistake. After 2 years, I am about to conclude that he would never admit to this - even to himself. If he admitted his mistake,how could he rationalize all the pain he has caused ending a 22 year marriage and abandoning his children?<p>From the messages on this board, I think many affairs do end, but it seems that many also end in marriage for the wandering spouses. It appears that often if the wandering spouse is a male, he will marry again, but most often, the wife remains unmarried.<p>Of course this is coming from a cynic - I tried all the things they tell you to do to save your marriage, but it fell on deaf ears. <p>I think many times why the WS entered into an affair helps to determine how or if it will end. I think the advice given here helps the probability that the affair will end and that you can restore your marriage if that is your wish. But someone also wrote that while it takes 2 to make a marriage, it only takes 1 to destroy it. It took me a long time to come to terms with that truth.<p>Good luck and God bless you,
Lisa<p>[ November 24, 2001: Message edited by: SoSad.59 ]</p>

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I was divorced 4 yrs ago, after a 29 year marriage, due to my ex having an affair. He is still with OW and they have lived together since divorce. They have supposedly been engaged for over one year., but I don't think there is immediate wedding bells planned. I agree with the first response you received. I think he is now stuck in a situation but can't figure a way out. He is a major conflict avoider, but we have had several conversations that have led me to believe all is not perfect in paradise.

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I dont believe affairs stop completely, H lasted 2 months until caught again with MOW this time before he went to work, before it was while H was working. While I thought H was trying he never gave up OW, they just planned another way to see each other. From what Im told they are to be married as soon as both are D. Im not sure how you can start a marriage out with lies & both were cheating on ea others spouse.
M-17yrs
W-47yrs old H-42
DD-4/28/2001
D-should be final in few months
C-12yr son, 28yr son, GD-7
OW-filed D, OW-29 yrs old, M-10yrs, 3-children

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<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

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<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

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laura_lee,
You go girl.... I agree with both scenarios hee hee

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Hey people just want to add my $.02<p>My D with WS will be final in a matter of weeks. Did the plan A and plan B, no success. At some point, not only do you have to let go, but you need to REALLY let go. Do not worry if your WS will come out of the fog or not. You are only hurting yourself more by not gaining closure. Move on with your lives people. I know it is hard, you can check my old posts to see how low I've been. But you need to live and enjoy life, no matter how badly the future may appear, it is not that bad. Life is what you make of it, so start now to enjoy life, and you will look back and be glad you stopped moping and caring about what you cannot control, and moved on and found your happiness as if your spouse disappeared. I know many advocate the 'success is the best revenge' motivating tool, but part of that assumes you will meet your spouse again in the future to 'show' them your success. I don't think you should worry about being successful to 'prove' something. Take care of yourself and improve yourself for YOU. Someday you will look back and be glad you did.

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Hello friends,
you are right!
But how to find the way out of the circle of questions without answers, crying, feeling lonely and lost, not seeing future, wanting WS back....
Two yrs passed and I am still asking your questions and thinking some WS never come out of the fog. In fact I think it is no more fog it's their new reality, new life in what they feel good and have no reasons to come out.<p>SoSad.59
I agree with you and I wonder if anyone can answer to your/my question, or maybe there are some statistics about, <p>"if the wandering spouse is a male, he will marry again, but most often, the wife remains unmarried"<p>I think it IS truth. WHY?<p>Best wishes to all!<p>Any advice??

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Geez, I am often hesitant to answer questions around here, but here's my 2 cents.<p>Do all affairs end? No. Just like all marriages don't end.<p>Relationships begun as affairs end in marriage, seperation, and death. It really depends on the reason for the affair and the people involved.

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I was waiting for someone to come on here and give the stats from Dr. Harley, and I didn't see it, so I guess I'll have to be the one to answer in the affirmative.<p>According to Dr. Harley - MOST Affairs do end. Most end because of lies, deceit, etc, as Laura_Lee mentioned.<p>I am holding out hope that my H's A WILL end, becuase he really IS a "good guy" and just got himself caught up in a bad situation, forced there, to some extent by NEGLECT he felt from his W! (me)<p>Having said that, I think YOUR attitude has a lot to do with whether or not your M can be saved. I wonder how many of you have read totally and implimented the Harley concepts? It doesn't appear that many of you have, just from your responses to each other. IF what you want is a happy, successful recovery and M, then there are things YOU have to change. You have NO CONTROL over your WS.<p>BTW - I really don't "hang out" here in D/D board much cause I find it too depressing. The title of this post caught my eye, and I had to come look. Sorry, y'all, but I'd rather focus on the POSITIVE than "believe" my M is OVER, or doomed to be over, simply b/c of so many others saying so.<p>Thanks for listening.
L.

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Stats:
Here are the stats as I understand them.<p>only 3% of all affairs end with a married person leaving their marriage<p>Of WS that leave, 50% marry the OP.

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My H was one of the 3% that walked out on the marriage. We were married 17 years when he had the affair and walked out. He married the OW four months after our D was final. They have been married for 2 years now. He tells everyone how happy he is now. Don't know it that is true or if he has any regrets. If he did, of course he would never admit to them. He made much to big a deal about how wonderful it all was with her and how unhappy he was with me, and how the OW was the answer to all his unhappiness. We'll see!! I agree - living a good, honest, happy life, with integrity is the best revenge!!


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